"If you're not the One"

If you're not the one~

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings, but I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through…And I hope you are the one I share my life with

Don't want to run away but I can't take it…
I don't understand; If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through; and I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don’t want to run away but I can't take it
I don't understand… If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Cause, I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause, I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it
I don't understand… If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms…

2003(c) Daniel Bedingfield

December 17, 2005 - Little bit of something to remember

Editors Note:
Something special that hits the heart, words written, possibly in the dark. Sometimes words have a way to lend a sight that is blinded by shadows deep within side. A little bit of something to remember was sent to remind me, what is true to ones self and cherish the memories.

Sometimes remembering what is lost, sometimes remembering what holds people in the dark, sometimes remembering how people act, sometimes remembering why things have gone bad. Know that no matter how dark things may seem, there is always a light that is to be found, with the right search beam. Look deep within ones self and know who you are, grant yourself the power to over come the obstacles. And if you want something bad enough, something so pure and true, then fight for what is right and have your wish granted tonight.

This piece is not something I wrote but was sent to me by someone very special. It is something that is deeply special to me on several levels, but for now, it shall be marked, as one of my “treasured” and placed in that jar, I keep close to my heart. No matter what lye’s ahead, no matter how dark each road is, no matter how distance or shallow, no matter the outcome, the treasured jar will never be touched, it’s what holds me bound to those things I love.

Saying Goodbye...

Saying Goodbye…

As a flower blooms, we are blessed enough to enjoy the beauty and solitude of each peddle it shares with us. As all living beings, here on Mother Earth, each must take its first breath and also take its last. The endless cycle continues bring joy and sorrow, mixed within ourselves. Deeper within that mixture, the acceptance of knowing your fate, your own demise, your time to relinquish your own shell, is forthcoming in such a spiritually way, that only few will ever understand.

To my beloved friends, who I have known over the years, I say these simple thoughts to guide you when you are no longer able to see the light… Remember who you are, no matter what tragedy faces you, pull your strength from within and stand strong on your beliefs. Don’t allow yourself to build walls, for in the long run, all these walls can do is damage who you are. Do not allow yourself to take personal attacks from others who can not see themselves for who they truly are. Find comfort in each others compassions, believes and memories for this is what keeps a person alive.

To my closest friends, I say thank you for sharing your thoughts, your beliefs and your strengths with me. Collectively they brought me great joy and the ability to see that no matter if people agree or disagree, we ultimately have one goal in life, and that is to make a change for the better, for future generations. You all truly have been like brothers and sisters to me and my heart is with you all, always.

For today, I am that flower whose time has come, grown and now must pass. In great sorrow comes a beauty of remembrance and solitude knowing that a persons memories will live on with others. I do not sit here today, saying good bye to you all, but saying a greetings of hello, for our paths will meet again one day.

PkS 2005 ©

Writers note: This was originally posted a few weeks ago on this blogger without a writers note attached. I pulled it off the site due to personal conflicts from the readers. Since I have always been an advocate about the ability to express both the beautiful and dark sides of life, I feel the need to repost this with a writers note attached.

Please read this carefully for what you read from word to word is not the over all appearance of this piece. And for those who have read my material over the years, know I write things with hidden meanings attached. This is in no way my eulogy, however, now that a few of you brought that to my attention, I could see these words being said once I kick the bucket. I will not explain this piece to you, I will let you read it for what it is, and let you come to your on conclusion, but let me just say, some times in life, you have to say good bye to people, things and feelings in your life before moving forward or accepting a direction that life takes you.

Abyss

~Abyss

Here alone in my abyss, looking aimlessly for some sort of guide to exist; an exit to survive, a place to hide. Emotions running high, being pulled and pushed from deep within; shame takes over me, how things turned out with no redemption in site for these tired blue eyes. I could have shared so much more, I could have opened the door, rather than just a few small hints; hints are all I was able to say, through the tears and pain that I put away.

In search for that second, third or fourth chance to making things right, make things right in both sets of eyes, but never finding the path that redeems me from the selfishness inside. Quiet moments throughout the day, thoughts of memories that appear from the depths of the mind, shadowing, imitating reality, and when the moments pasts, I place them back in a jar marked “treasured”, knowing they will be safely put back on the shelf of my worried mind.

Solitude is where my mind finds its safe haven. It protects itself from all that is around, closed off to a world that revolves. Emotions are all that I have left to hold on to; it’s all that is left in this dying body. It’s all that is allowed in my fragile mind, it’s all I can share with myself. So many times, I regret closing them off, but knowing that if I allowed anyone else in, it would only lead them into the abyss I find myself lost in. How easy it would be for me to just open up, run free of the ability to express my inter self, to finally let go of all the anger, the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the shame I place on myself. But in allowing that side of me to open up, it would take more courage than I have in myself. It would take an army to pry it out, but time is not on my side. Time would not be so kind.

To protect the ones I love, I had to learn a hard lesson years ago, that even today has taunted and remained, learning to just let go and say the harsh word of no. To some it might seem that I don’t care or have feelings. Maybe not expressed as they wish or maybe have given them that extra kiss, but my feelings are deep; deeper than most anyone can believe and in an unconditional way, I try to protect them by just walking away. The abyss carries me off, to a shelter, to a place of somber; I need for myself to learn to live again.

The abyss is nothing to be afraid of; it’s merely a place that saves me from the thoughts that could and have on several times taken over me. It’s dark, hidden and deep within; it never lets reality seep in. It saves me day after day, though I have started to wish it would go away. If I sit and let the feelings intrude, I just run back to my dark, hiding room. ‘Why’ is what you ask yourself repeatedly; why continue finding shelter in an abyss of selfishness? Why allow all the feelings to be repressed, why allow all the emotions to be placed to rest, why hold back everything you consider dear to your heart, why faultier others for those demons who talk to you at night, why banish those closes, out of your life? Why give up on the hope of life. These questions are reasonable, fair and true, yet questions can be asked repeatedly when you’re not allowed in. To some it’s easier to accept, others question the actions of the one who is not willing to express, however as hard the journey seems to be, time does not allow me to set myself free.

The abyss is almost like my child, taken care of with great pride. Maintained like a growing garden that never needs light, a place where I find comfort, acceptance, non-judgmental cares of what matters most to me. Selfish in nature, I run and hide, deep within a place that takes over me, swallows me, contains me, frozen in time. Repeated memories flash continually in my face, like a puzzle of understanding of why I shatter all in my way. Once able to express all my feelings at hand, now I wrap them up tightly in a jar marked “treasured”. Though I fight for a release, I find an inter-peace sitting in my abyss, glossy eyed, blank waiting the ability one day to be able to finally set myself free. Though it keeps me calm, wayward in thought and helps me identify tranquility; my emotions run back and forth as these thoughts go, acceptance or dismissal of my abyss, but it is my sanctuary, mine alone.

Though it seems dark and bleak, there is a key to release me. It is out in the world that revolves, held by a man who knows me well. Though he may not understand, he knows he holds the key in his hand. This key he holds is much more than just steel, he holds the release of my abyss, though it might not come so easily, with the right guidance and care, nurturing and no blank stares; I might find myself released in short intervals. The abyss took years to over take me, darken my spirit and shadow me. It is my abyss, no others allowed. No welcome sign at the door. Though this man has the grace and intelligence, he could, in time, be my redemption I cry out for. For he is the one, these tired blue eyes have shun away, closed off from yesterday, hints to him were all I could say, tears and fears are what made me run away.

For here I sit in my abyss, darkness and solitude comfort me, pulling out my jar marked “treasured”, painting a smile on this bleak face thinking of memories of what was, what could have been and what future is possible if any with a growing abyss.

PkS 2005 ©

I Followed an Angel

~ I followed an Angel

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to heaven
To the pearly white gates

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to a riverbed gone dry
To watch it bring back missing life

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to the depths of the deepest ocean
To shelter it self from falling grace

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to a playground
To see it’s wings expand and shower it with a brilliant elegance

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to a grave
To see it shed a tear in remorse in utter disgraced

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to heaven
To the pearly white gates

Heaven can not wait forever
Heaven won’t wait forever for me
I can only imagine the angel wings devoured
By empathy, solitude and shame

By following the angel
By following it to a place
By following it to the ends of the earth and back to the pearly white gates
I learned that life is full of remorse, shame and heartache

By following the angel
By following it to a place
By following it across the heavens
I learned each angels forgiveness is a personal redemption in faith

PkS © 2005

Ok just a quick update...

Ok just a quick update.....

Yes, yes I know I promised Stop Waking Me Up earlier this summer and that I haven't forgotten it but I do have several other things over the next few weeks that will be up and on this tired old blogger!

Heres a short list of just a few things that will be out soon (something for you wacko's to read)

~Mountain Ghost - Included a very personal picture close to my heart
~To Miz Jealousy
~Universe
~ I followed an Angel
~ Find Myself
~Abyss
~Yesterdays Tomorrow
~To Say I - Title change will most likey happen

As this particular time, I am currently working on over 125 poems, short stories, thoughts or my lovely novel that seems to be getting a wee bit too long (I HATE EDITS)... And have been really thinking of taking some mental time off from writing so much. As many of you know, I do keep a personal blog journal, and do spend a great time in that writing my daily mental breakdowns!! (aren't you all so lucky you AREN'T READING THAT!!) So my little fingers may take another break unless some power comes over me to continue.

I do want to give a huge thank you to a very close personal friend ~ Mark~ who has been my somewhat editor with a few things... Thanks again Mark for everything and thanks for calming me down when I get on my "bashing kicks"!!

Oh.. one last thing... Just a reminder... I do write from the heart, some things taken from the past, some from the future and some mixed in between. I prefer to write what most people are afraid to say, to express or to feel. I am not afraid of the dark, but more afraid of what happens when the lights are on. I hold nothing against anyone, except myself, and for anyone who truely knows me, they will know what the meaning is of each peice I write. And yes, as several of you have asked or may already know, there is always a meaning, something hidden between each line, some deep dark secret that is shadowed by words that are easlier to place on a peice of paper rather than be locked away never to be said. Take what you want from what I write, it is my legacy that I leave with these words; words with meaning, words with passion and words that define who I am behind the painted smiles.

Till a later time .... Zotty out.....

Woman Scorned

Woman Scorned ~

You said that you loved me
You said you would never leave
You said you never would hurt me
But you got your thrill in deceiving me

You never asked very much of me
You never temped me to go
Instead you let me find the door
To shut and never say more

You walked the walk
You talked your talk
You thrashed your means
To undermine me

You think you have won
You think you have gain
A persona of interests
A fracture of pain

You took your time
You continued on with your life
You were able to write the final chapters in your mind
Not carrying about anyone, or anyone else’s life

But one thing is certain, certain for sure
You misplaced your dignity and respect for anything except yourself
You carefully forgot that it takes two to make this type of mess
You forgot about the trust and all of the respect

You carefully deleted parts of your life
Placing the blame on the absences of selfish gains that came to mind
You bruised and shattered this woman scorn
Who finally got tired, fragile and walked out the door

Place the blame on who you will
Time is the only factor left to remain here
Was it you or was it me
Or was it that we just were to blind to see

PkS 2005 ©

Rita Update 3

Update from Hurricane Rita NON-Central…

Well, 24 hours has passed and Rita blew threw with just a few strong winds and some rain but nothing to even get my panties in a wad for. As most of you know, I’m a huge fan of hurricanes and love these beautiful circular wonders. Reminds me of how no matter how far we advance in technology or engineering, we are still helpless and have to give in to Mother Nature’s glory.

Today has mainly been clean up day, most people outside taking down wood off windows, cleaning the yards up and putting their lives back together. For me, I had to wake up too drunk friends who passed out around 9 p.m. after drinking a bottle and ½ of tequila. I guess since we didn’t get the full wrath of RITA they made their own.

As of right now, the city seems pretty dead; hardly any traffic on the roads and it’s been over all quiet. My cell phone still can’t get a signal and most people in Houston and the surrounding areas are out of power. The news is saying that it could be up to two weeks for these people to get their power back.

But as far as me, I’m still just hunkered down; no place to go… that could be cause NOTHING IS OPEN!! And have been playing clean up all day, putting away stuff, and trying to decide what the hell I’m going to do with all this food.

Honestly, not to sound crazy (ok, yea I know I am), but I really was looking forward to at least some more action. Not in any means or way do I wish any harm to anyone or structure, but I was (in a sick demented way) hoping for something more than what I needed up getting. There were only two times when the winds were heavy and the rain came and went, but really was more like someone’s sprinklers on rather than a hurricane.

So as hurricane season comes to its end, we might see one or two more named however, I think this was the last one to hit any coastal lines for the year. And I yet haven’t heard one person mention on the news or any other media about the 22 year factor that seems to happen to the greater Houston region. If I haven’t told you this, here it goes…. Carla 1961, 22 years later, Alicia 1983, then 22 years later Rita 2005. All these were strong cat. 4 or stronger right before hitting land fall.

I find it interesting how in the 1950’s they started naming the storms. Anything before that, they just called them storms and the state it landed.

Who knows, but this is two years of serious action for hurricanes in the gulf region. I wonder what next season will be like. Maybe next season they will actually name A-W & on to the Greek (or is it Geekness). It’s possible!!

Anywhoooo…. So this concludes my hurricane update for the Houston area, I will now go back to my normal broadcasting schedule. For any other updates or questions, please forward them to http://www.idontgivearatsass.com/

Thanks for watching and Zotty out……

Rita Update 2

6:00 p.m. central and Rita is being felt.... right now I am getting 65 mile an hour winds and the rain is in light but OMG you should see my plants, they are completely bending over to the side. Kinda freaky looking!! I have some flowers that look almost demonic now, like they are bending over to get something out of the ground.... Freaky!!

Will update as more happens.. oh and more lawn chairs and trashcans going down the street. People are trying to catch them. WHAT IDIOTS DIDNT THINK TO PUT UP THIER CRAP?

K... Zotty out....

Rita Update

Howdy all from hurricane Rita central…

Just a quick note for all of you who have been sending emails, off liners and phone messages; all is good here as of 4:30 p.m. central. We haven’t seen anything as of yet except for an increase of winds and a few lawn chairs& trash cans drifting in the middle of the street. We have lost cell service and from what the news is saying it might be a few days or so. Who knows!!

I am highly impressed with my mayor Bill White, who has been on top of things and pretty much has just braced Houston and the surrounding areas for the worst case scenario. So, I’m hunkered down, supplied like a MOFO and have the company of my two closest friends, who have already as of noon today started drinking margaritas, with a little extra Rita added.

As of right now, all hell could break loose, the news just announced that now is when we will all be seeing the start of the tornados which could continue for the next 26-35 hours (even when the hurricane passes). So, I have gotten in the sport of it all, we all decided to dress up in our camouflage gear, including those lovely camouflage boots and take our signs we made (saying BRING ON RITA’S AND DON’T FORGET THE SALT) and go stand outside with all my other dumb ass neighbors and just wait for all hell to break loose.

I will have to make a few jokes here (inserts here)… first, I have to laugh at my sexy neighbor guy who lives across from me. He’s been outside all day in nothing more than a pair of shorts and work boots cutting boards out for his windows. Both my girlfriends staying here are all goo-goo eyed over him and have been in and out of the house running over to his house standing in the yard offering anything, services included I’m assuming, to help him out. I did go over there for a few minutes to just tell him to give both of my girlfriends a hard time (which he laughed at).

Second, there is an elderly couple who live next to me; Mr.& Mrs. gun freaks, who, I think have something really up their sleeves, have been also outside yelling at each other and the wife keeps telling him she’s going to bury his ass in the backyard. I’ve always thought these two were like old mafia or something, cause they BE WACKED! And if he turns up missing, I know the old lady did something!! But on a lighter note, he’s a complete jack ass, so hell, maybe I’ll help her out! JUST JOKING!

Third, both girls will be drunk by 8 no doubt about it, they are already sloshed and it’s been funny to watch both of them ON THE MAN PROWL! I mean we have a hurricane in our face, and both of them just want to get laid. I think I’ll be playing clean up more in house than outside if they both start getting sick as a dog, which I know one of them loves to toss her cookies with Tequila.

Fourth, I actually am pretty happy I decided to stay instead of leave. I am sooooo frigggen happy that I did not even get in that huge traffic mess of 3 million people with a average speed of 1-2 miles per hour. There are still several people stranded on the freeways here and I could not even possibly constipate sitting in a car during an event like this.

This will be my 6th hurricane that I’ve been threw. I think that is why everyone wanted to come stay here cause they all know MY ASS, no matter what, WILL BE PREPARED!!

Anywhoooooo, I got to leave for a bit and go check out the neighbors who are making a ton of noise outside, I can hear a radio blaring some KID ROCK!!

Zotty out……

Forbidden Love

~Forbidden love

Discrete arrangement we both may lye
Shadowed by the emotions of an attraction that will not die
Placed is an array of feelings of endless guilt
We hold each other in a sexual bliss

Taunted with whispers lingering through out the day
Hearing sweet words that were expressed in somber play
Tainted with feelings of a love that grows deep
Swept in an organic breath, as it is blown softly

Forbidden love is what we both desire
Here is our playground, hidden with a passionate admire
For we are two lovers trying to feel our way
Not knowing what may become of our yesterday

Stretching endless hours holding on to each others breathe
We share one moment in forever’s bliss
Forbidden taunts as our emotions run high
Touching each of us in a passionate desire

Distance is what holds both of us apart
Lingering feelings of frustration for the day we actually touch
Holding our selves back for that day we have longed for so long
A beautiful release to compliment our forbidden love


PkS © 2005

Whore

~Whore

You fuck, you scream, you cum, you bleed
You pinch, you bruise, you hump, you tease
You slap, you bite, you moan, you grind
You bump, you taunt, you suck, you fight

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Did you think of me when you fuck her hard?
Did you think of me when she was down on all fours?
Did you scream in ecstasy, begging for more?

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Did you get the chance to scream out her name?
Or did you bite your tongue holding back MY name?
Did you close your eyes thinking of me instead?
Did you pumped her hard, full of lead?

You fuck, you scream, you cum, you bleed
You pinch, you bruise, you hump, you tease
You slap, you bite, you moan, you grind
You bump, you taunt, you suck, you fight

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Did you start fucking, as soon as I was out the door?
Did you look at her the same or didn’t that matter anymore?
Did you think of me when feeling up her thighs?
Or did you just keep on going, time after time?

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
You couldn’t even keep your dick in the drawer
You had to run out, you had to get more
You had to find a replacement to ease your pain
You had to find a fuck who wouldn’t even feel the same

You fuck, you scream, you cum, you bleed
You pinch, you bruise, you hump, you tease
You slap, you bite, you moan, you grind
You bump, you taunt, you suck, you fight

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Do you think I’d come back, after you fucked that whore?
Do you think I’d let it stay in the past and not say a word?
Did you think twice before tasting that prize?
Did you ever once think about taking some time?

PkS © 2005

Numa Numa

I would like to introduce you all to one of my addictions... and let me just say, you might all know him well, but both him and I have enjoyed several long nights together sharing corky dance routines and some very funny laughs!! This poor fellow really doesn't get enough justice, so I would like to just say THANK YOU NOW Mr. Numa Man for all you have done for me and the internet world!!!

To you mr. Numa Man.... You are greatly loved and I bet with that eye brow of yours, you get lots of the ladies knocking on your door!!

Through it All

~Through it all~

Through it all, you were there
Wonderment beyond all repairs
Fragile in your arms I lay deep in serene
Knowing my heart will always be protected in your care

Fighting for the right words to say
No matter how hard I might try with unsuccessful gain
I seem never to be able to pose them with elegance or reframe
To define what is in my heart, to define who I am

To find me here, knowing you were there through it all
Through the fights and misery we both endured
To feel the pain then finally understand what was lost
I have accepted my fate with a heart that is sunk

Back and forth we went round and round
Hurting each other for no explainable reasons found
You were and are still my rock of foundation
You will and have always held the key to my heart no matter the circumstance

Through it all, you were there
Wonderment beyond all repairs
It’s hard to imagine now with all the tears shed over the years
But you captivated me in ways I could never express or explain, my heart grew fonder each and everyday

Looking back I think we both can accept our fate in the attraction and the hate
We both know now the difference between love and love lost
Taking careless jabs of tormented pain, we both sunk into each others hearts for no gain
But we both strongly know we were destined to be
An extremely strong attraction that will always be between us

Soul mates that are intertwined
Threw a universe that is multi dimensioned with space and time
Interlocked with our fated feelings to strong to ever let pass
We are here, then and always… Through it all, long before and after…always soul mates

I will always love you
I will always care for you
I will always hold you close to my heart
I will always shed a tear knowing we are apart
I will always let you be the keeper of my heart, no matter what friction or time is between us now

I will always be half the person I can be, now lost in a world, incomplete
My soul trapped in a time waiting for its next journey to take hold
Now love lost, it seems to be shattered, gone, lost waiting to be reborn
Two souls torn apart, lost in a world of chaos, but not forgotten

But through it all, you were there
Wonderment beyond all repairs
Fragile in your arms I lay deep in serene
Knowing my heart will always be protected in your care

PkS © 2005

Crimson

Crimson ~

Shallow breaths as I fall to the ground…
Lingering hands on my chest…
Feels the crimson pouring out of my body…
Light headed as I fall hard…

Blinded by the tears…
Moronic screams drowning out the sounds…
Coughs for purified air…
No breath able to hold in…

Franticly trying to understand what happened moments before
Here in a lost state of mind, wondering how I ended up on the floor
Bleeding dark crimson blood, shattered, broken in disbelief
Am I broken? Or am I the light passed on from a distant time

Raises my arm to shield my soon embrace …
Not able to feel the motion…
Drops of crimson fall gently on my face…
Covers my eyes with soaking palms…

Flashing bulbs of brilliant white light bouncing around under my lids...
I know I am not sleeping but I’m not awake…
Tries for another breath, unsuccessful of this task…
Hears a voice close to me, whispering…

I’m too lost to be saved; I’d rather just allow myself to die
My mind talks to me as if it’s my friend
Telling me all the secrets I found bound
It speaks to me as if I’m already gone

Why did this happen… happen to me
What happened moments before, before I fell to the floor
Frantic, frantic to understand, trying to remember where I belong
Am I sleeping, dreaming, of something that I fear

Tries to kill the pain from my mind…
Only receives more in return…
I am dying with crimson pouring out of me…
So much regret and betrayal, so much fear…

Will I be remembered once I leave?
Lost for so long, would it really matter now with how things turned out?
Will you be on the other side once I find my light?
Or will you forget me like all the rest?

Thoughts of what just happened keep trying to seep in
Franticly putting together a puzzle of snapshots of what was my life
Was it me who wanted to die or a reality that came to flight
Was it my torment that will not allow me to pass over to the other side
Salvation is now what I seek, my soul cries for deliverance to my rest and peace

Trying to hold on…
Still bleeding, frantic with enslavement bound to the floor…
Screams fill my mind as thoughts pass by…
My mind talking to me so I will not be alone…
Lost here in a crimson tide as the world stops to say good bye…

I take my last breath…
Knowing I will now be at rest…
I exhale in relief, passes the breath to it’s next place…
Closes my lids to a brilliant light…
Darkness takes over me…

Franticly trying to understand why I choice to lie down and die?
Was it me; was it my mind, was it my time?
Could I be trapped in a dream that I can not awake from?
Was it he, who finally damaged me so?
Or was I who took my own life? Was it my suicide?


PkS © 2005

My Redemption

My Redemption~

For each day brings a new beginning. A morning of peace, a place of quietness that allows one self to deal with the particular forces that confront them. For today, I find my peace. I find my place in the world where I can be myself, who I have become, who I am, who I will be. A peace in myself of understanding who I am. A peace of the puzzle that has been misfitted for so long, yet knew it belonged. I have found my beginning, I have found my redemption, a place where I can finally see the outside the realm of all the black and white’s. I can finally see the morning light, the sun has started to spread upon my cheeks as I sit still in front of the rays, feeling it warm my face as I openly embrace it.

I slept for a very long time, forgetting the noise outside in the world and lay still without noticing the world as it moved forward without me. I gave up everything important to me, walked away, ran quickly away, and slept it off, sadly, to help myself find a much needed redemption lost in my universe. I walked away from many things that I still hold deep within my heart. I bruised and abused many, on my journey of selfishness, tucking emotions away so I would not feel them. Not allowing myself to feel, shutting down my functions of being human, not caring who I abused on the way, no caring who was left in the path. A tornado in several regards, tossing and turning round and round on a dangerous path that optimally ended in destruction and a careless regard for anything left. Shut down by emotions that were not able to be controlled, taunted by steel that was so easily available at any care or whim. Careful not to express too much, careful to express too much, careful to shut down when it was not good enough, careful to explode when the pressure was overwhelming.

Purging was the willful thing for me. Purging my thoughts on paper, purging my soul on anything that allowed ink or print, purging my body with any form of steel to explore the depths of the anguish I felt, purging my blood to water as I lay still in the depths of my blue serene state of composition. Questioning each move, questioning each action, questioning each motion that was felt, questioning each word spoken, running for the steel that was so grateful to grace my existence when ever need be. Here I lay sleeping, dormant in a shallow lost state, listening to the world rotate round me, leaving me in a wonderless state of mind, waiting, watching, drowning as the water turned swirls of crimson.

For today is my redemption, I’ve awaken. I’ve taken the first breath in life again, reborn to a world who let me sleep, protecting me from what it knew was a tormented state of mind, not able to escape from. Woken from a somber state of reality, placed back in the world with a beating heart, knowing that as I open my eyes, the world will gently edge me back into what I have known, what I have felt for so long, yet been dormant to. Today I find the cycle of the tornado stirring to its end, dying out, peacefully calming down to a restful end. I find the wolf that barks and howls like no other animal deep within me, had calm down to a restful place. I find the world back in balance; I find my mind waking from the dark edges it became so prone to. I find the light refreshing and absorbing to my pale skin. I found my redemption.

Following what my heart said, following what my mind said, following what my body said, following what the motion of the world said, I followed…I followed wrongfully to a place that I regret, but I followed for the sake of keeping my sanity alive. I followed to allow redemption into my life; I followed to allow the abuse and regret to subside. I followed not to forget, but to remember; remember what it was like before, to remember how it will be afterwards and to remember how to not let the crimson purge creep back in to my mind.

Do not falter as I have done. Bestow your fears, wash away your tears. Take not what has been happened to me, as a form of excuse or non compassion for the actions that have taken place. I ran, I fell, I broke down, I hid, I slept, I tossed, I turned, I woke, I regret, I purged, I found relief in steel, I let the crimson take over…I am of all things, human; Human enough to acknowledge that some things in life happen for reasons, unbeknown to us today, yet when the journey approaches, a brilliance will bestowed to show you a path. The path of which you must decide to either take, or walk away from. I am at the fork of the road, awakened to decide, awakened to accept my fate. Today is my redemption, today I decide…

PkS © 2005

Miss Me

Miss Me ~

Miss me, miss me not, you had your chance, you fucked it up. You tried to pull to much bull shit in my life, so fuck you, fuck off and fucking die. Leave me alone and rot in hell, you son of a bitch, you knew it all to well. You had your chance, you fucked it up; you kept on pushing, way too much. You never let it rest; you always felt you knew best. You always had to have the last word in, but this time around, you haven’t got a thing, except a sorry little ego that’s not getting shit from me. You always wanted more and more, nothing was good enough, not even the simplest notions were comprehendible in your feeble little pathetic mind frame. Always in a search to find out more, you never let it come all nat-ur-al. Push, push, push for more, more, more, never allowing time to heal what damage had been done. Why don’t you go back to the center of your universe, where you can stoke your narcissistic ego any time you feel the need and allow it to lick your own ass! Go dance your dance with someone else, go play you’re egotistic mind games with someone else who’s up for a transparent jack ass who can’t decipher the difference between reality and the vindictive nature of his own pathetic little world he’s created for himself.


PkS 2005 ©

Writers note – Harsh you may say? Feelings come and go, in all aspects of life however moments in life are what makes a person, some good, and some bad but no matter how harsh it may come out, it’s how I personally felt at the particular moment in time I wrote this. We all know a person like this, male or female, who is egotistic beyond belief at times; who thinks the universe was and is created only for their soul purpose. After writing this, it reminded me of another piece I wrote back in 2002 (Blogger archive 11/9/02) named “The Perfect Narcissus”. Take a good read, take a good laugh, but most of all, and be glad that some people aren’t afraid of saying GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

Sunday, August 7, 2005 -

Writes note update - First let me clear the air for my avid readers who all left me messages threw out the day about this posting. Thank you all for continually reading my blogger first and for most. Secondly, this was not written for any particular person in mind, nor was it written out of anger towards any one person. In fact, it was produced after several months of hashing around words of anger I had written down, out of several different pieces I was and still am working on. To answer your messages, NO, I am not angry or disgruntle at a particular person however, in the grand tradition of me, I write how I feel, write it when I feel it and write it straight from the heart.

For my Best Friend Who I love dearly – For years we have known each other, threw thick and thin, I know you took “Miss Me” to heart more than anyone else. Though your journey has been long, longer than mine, we have always shared a beautiful friendship that has enlightened both of us, threw the good and bad times. You have been one of my best friends for years, too many to count and though the words written down seemed harsh and disturbing, close echo’s to your own personal life, fear not what they directly say, but the empowerment they may lead you towards. Learn to stand up, learn to speak your mind, and learn to say NO when you have had enough. You are a strong, incredible woman who does have a voice, a voice which should have been loud and clear long ago, but though time has pasted, it is never too late to use your voice and scream if you must. Don’t allow yourself to continue down that dark path I took so many times, but find your redemption and faith in which you are. Any decision you make, I will be here for you, as you have always been here for me. I love you girl!!!

Reason

Reason

I followed my heart
I let it run free
I found it in love
With the man standing in front of me

I allowed all the walls down
I opened my soul to this man
I found a reason to carry on
I found the reason to begin

Though at times the journey is long
I find myself in no harm
The path we take with its whines and turns
Is solid with love, sharing and blissful, a place where we both belong

I willfully give my heart to you
I take no doubt in sharing what is true
I take the pleasure of knowing, knowing the reasons that be
Our love is true, lasting, and warm as we both will be

For this I know is my reason
My reason for being here today
I give you the gift of my heart
I give you the gift of me


PkS 2005 ©

Leave Me Now

Leave me now ~

Leave me now for it would be wise
Don’t follow my lead for I am blind
Walk away from me now for I will cause you great pain
Let me walk alone in my shallow domain

Stop whispering words in forgiveness and regret
Let me go with no questions asked
Don’t hunt me down, you can not survive
All unpurified thoughts that run threw my mind

Don’t follow me to where I have to go
Don’t send a response for it will not be shown
Don’t temp me into saving myself
Let me falter to where I must bestowed my sins

Leave me now for it would be wise
I walk with the damned, pestilence disguise
I’ve failed in hidden that I truly am
Let me find redemption in Satan’s waste land


PkS 2005 ©

Doesn't Understand

Doesn’t Understand …

I was young when you decided to leave
I was not understanding the reasons that be
I was not able to grasp the world as you saw fit
I was not able to understand what made you quit

You never wanted me to know
You always thought I was too young, not able to grow
You planned your action out with careful precautions
You left in a day, a minute, not thinking of the repercussions


As time passed and the stories were told
I learned about a different person than I had once known
I learned about the hatred you desired within
I was reminded daily of your lies and all your overabundance sins

I learned a great deal from those who kept the story alive
I use to think that I was the reason you took that flight
I never understood why you could not stand up and be a man
I can only imagine that you were your biggest fan

I can only look back and now say what a pitiful disgrace
Of how you destroyed so many people’s faith
You were nothing more than a selfish desecrated old man
Lost, forgotten to a time in the world which has no end


PkS 2005 ©

For He Walks With Us

For he walks with us~

For he is walking among us, following us, wandering around each move we make, each path we take. For he is unknown to us, silent to us, forsaken to us. He hides in the darks of our minds in each of us, hides deep inside, lurking around deeper to find something within each of us. For he is who we do not speak of, for he is who we run from. He perceives his wishes upon us; we follow them without knowledge to us. For he is who puts thought into our minds, he is who divides us, who lures us, tempts us, demands us. The valley of self demise is flowing with him, torched flames from him, burning into each of us. He burns a whole deep within us taunting death or sacrifice. He walks in the shadow of each of us, knowing and waiting for the precise time when to take his action in each of us. For he, the divine of the valley of self demise, he will take what he needs, destroy what is left and once that has occurred he will move to the next. He takes all as prisoners, not releasing any souls, but when he has completed his tasks, he will sent each to the valley with all others, who came before you, all that come after you and all who will be in purgatory waiting for you. For he, the divine of the valley of self demise, takes all he wants and leaves nothing behind.


PkS 2005 ©

The Dream

The Dream~~

Standing…staring at the door, terrified, scared and froze. Trembling within, feeling lost and confused. A brown standard door, no unusual markings except a few dents, one peek hole, one door knob and safety lock stopping me from entering. The door is facing North toward a set of stairs that’s railing is painted black. Strangely, a neon black that glows with the moons light that shines down on it.

I can hear someone behind the door, asking a question but still out of my hearing range to understand if they are talking to me. I stand there in a large overcoat, freezing as the rain falls down on me. I feel the urge to knock, raising my hand, pulling my fist together, closing in on the door, then suddenly stop, feeling unsure if I’m doing the right thing. I pull my hand down; then raise it again to wipe a tear away from my face. I’m feeling butterflies in my stomach, twisting and turning, round and round, making me almost want to run down the stair and not look back. I swallow hard; then decide to wipe another tear away from my eyes.

Frighten, of what may become, what may happen, what will never come of. Afraid of all the possible outcomes if I let myself knock on this door. Thinking a million thoughts in one second, letting my mind run with possible answers, no answers, all the answers, all the thoughts rushing my head, feeding off the fear that has over taken me.

I look up towards the sky, noting to myself of how perfect this night could turn out. Noting to myself of what a romantic moon has been allowed to shine down on me and how wonderful the rain feels even though it’s a freezing rain.

I find myself explaining to my inter-being of what it takes to love. To be loved, to love, to finally just let go of all the ambitions that hold me back. To allow the feelings to finally pour out, to let them stand face to face with the man I have loved for so long, yet have ran from. To face my demons and show myself that love is something that I am allowed, not something to pass by.

Taking all the energy I have, I walk close to the door. I lean in towards it, feeling as though the person on the other side can feel me, urn for me, pulling me towards him. I feel the presence of him, pulling me closer, putting aside my fears, anxious in wanting him, needing him, knowing my savor is of my fears is just a few feet away. I shed another tear, whipping it away with the back of my hand, torn in so many directions, yet knowing what my heart feels.

What is it that makes me run so fast from him? Run with the breeze that passes my face, that passes with each breath that I take deep within of me. I taunt myself so, going over each detail of emotion, trying to rationalize it out for someone to understand, but how can I explain the most intimate feelings and ever try to express them when I can not understand the feelings myself.

I pull myself together. Pull back all the tears, pull back all the fears, and allow myself to just take one deep breath. As I relax, I know it’s time to put everything behind me, put the caution to the wind and allow myself to find the courage to knock on the door. I lean inwards on last time, listening for any signs that may arise right before I place my hand on the door.

I knock, once, twice, three times. I pull my hand back down fast then turn around, looking for any person who may have seen me standing there, but no one is present. I turn back around, facing the door and wait for what seems like an entirety. I wait and listen for any sign… waiting, praying, waiting, praying…

I feel all alone, standing at the door, feeling like the world has come to a complete stop. I start to raise my hand, slowly again to bring it back up to the door. Suddenly, a noise, footsteps approach. My heart is beating so hard, my emotions running wild. I feel the warmth of tears running down my face.

The door opens slowly just a crack at first then a shadow appears of a man. I stand frozen in my shoes, not able to move at all. I do not speak a word nothing at all could come out of my mouth at this moment in time. My eyes adjust to the light that has been shined on me. I finally see him, I see the man I so longed for, loved for, lived for, waited for, and urn for. He takes one small step towards me, not speaking a word, looks cautiously at me, then realizes I am there, in the flesh, in front of him.

He looks deep into my eyes, seeing my tears, seeing all the fears that shadowed my face. He moves forward to me, grabbing my hand slowly, then looks down for a very long time. When he raises his head again, he is crying with beautiful tears rolling down is face. He moves my hand around his waist and pulls me in close. He whispers to me in my ear how he’s longed for this day, longed for this moment in time, longed for finally seeing into my eyes. He hugs me tight, afraid I might pull away or fight, but I allow the embraces. I hold onto him tightly, not willing to let him go, thinking if I did, the door would close.

We both stand and stare at each other what seems to be eternity. Pulling back from each other; then grabbing each other again. The pounding of our hearts are heard, both racing in our chests as if we were running a marathon. Finally, after a very long pause in our stare into each others eyes, after realizing, knowing and accepting we are here together in one place, our eyes without words both knew that our love was strong, our feelings could be see in two eyes that are locked into each other, both knowing they will never be apart again.

Finally, without a word being said, we accepted and embarrassed our love that for so long was not able to be seen, only heard. I opened my mouth to speak but was suddenly stopped with a single finger bring brought up to my mouth by his hands. He said “Shhhh, let me speak. I have loved you for so long; I have dreamed of this moment countless times, I have dreamed of you, dreamed of our life, dreamed of us growing old together… I have love you since time has permitted me, since the world was created, and before you say a word, I what you to know that I will love you, love you more than I will ever be able to express to you in simple words”. I stood there shocked, lost in his eyes, wanting to say so much to him but could not find any words that would be right. I continued to look deep into his eyes, nodding my head so he knew I understood.

Holding my hands still at his door, he led me into his world. I stood shocked in disbelief and could only walk with baby steps. I stood right in the door frame between the outside of the old world I knew, and was being led into his world I longed for so many years.

As I walked over the threshold, I stopped, looked deeply into his eyes again and said “I have loved you since the dawn of time. I stood outside so long I thought I had lost my mind, but I stand before you, here face to face, wanting you to know that my world, my soul and each breath I take, has always been interlocked with yours. I love you more than life can explain; I love you more than my words would ever give justice to. I have loved you since I was born; you are my soul mate, my lover, the man I adore. I don’t stand her as a freezing woman reassuring herself if this is the right thing. I stand her in front of you now, allowing all the fears I held back for so long, all my worries, all my torments, all my inter being of what makes me tick, to be left outside of this door. I stand her now opened armed, open to you, wanting you, wanting us and know that when two soul mates collide, reconnect, they are reborn as one. You are my world now”.

As he listens, a small smile comes out on his face, a small twist of his lips turn upward. He understands, leans in and says the words I longed for so long. Without any pause, without any fear, he leans closer to me and says “My soul mate is home, the love I have searched for endlessly, and I am yours as you are mine. We together are bonded by some thing greater than we will ever understand, but we are one, and I love you more than life itself.”

I smile; then we both lean in, his lips approach mine in the softest way. When our lips touched, the bond was forever sealed. He took my hand and led me into his world. I followed, not afraid anymore. Our love was sealed that night for both our eternities. It was pure, raw and passionate but most of all, it was ours and ours alone.

Was it a dream that I write about tonight? Or is it a future event that will happen. Could a dream be so vivid in color and detail? Could a love be so passionate that it could carry over into other realms? Could a dream just be a dream? Could this all be…Or is it a place in time that one’s love calls out in the night.


PkS 2005 ©

Blue

Blue ~

I see a world that is full of a color, a color blue
I see a world desecrated in shades of underlined tones and moods
I see a world that is breached close to a realm
I see a world that optimally turns blue, blue pale

I see how each color blends into blue
I see how the world changes hues; softly, gently to blue
I see how far one will go to change what they see
I see how the world will end for you and me

Blue is the color of my soul and being
Blue is where I live with all my meanings
Blue is how far I will take myself with this flight
Blue is where I want to be on this journey called life

Blue is now, then and forever more
Blue is how deep my heart pours
Blue is a template in life’s path
Blue is where I hold my last breath

Blue is how deep my emotions run
Blue is where I hide everyone from
Blue is how I feel today
Blue is how I see life’s taunting ways

Blue is me, myself and I
Blue is where I cry at night
Blue is the depths of my heart
Blue is what I bleed when I tear it apart

I see you there, blue in transition…looking, staring, resolving, refining, disguising, wondering, moving, noticing, and believing. I see you, I see you blue, watching the world move slowly around me, watching my heart pound deep within. I find the elegance in your warmth, your embrace, your brilliance in perception, your drive for a desire in understanding me so, no matter what mistake the world has in place for me now. I see a world full of blue shades of somber, blue skies that fall each day upon me, yet blue is all that remains after the sky has fallen to another day. I see a world that can not hold me back, not a day, an hour, a minute. Blue is the world around me, blue is what holds me in place. Blue is what bounds me to anything and everything like glue. Blue is where my heart is.

I hold dearly the most intimate things you have shown me. I hold you in my palms like a fragile crystal. I hold you blue as if the world was on my shoulders, I hold you deep within. For you hold my secrets, my thoughts, my dreams and visions. For you hold me together, bounded in a time where only you and I can relate. I thank you for holding my thoughts in place; I thank you caring; I thank you for the warmth of your embrace. I see you now blue, blue in transition, blue of beauty and peace. For when I leave, I know what my eyes will bring to my last site in this world. I will see a blue world full of love, life and wonderment more powerful than anything bestowal.

Though my heart pounds for you, thought my heart bleeds for you, though my heart hears your cries, though my heart feels your fight, though my heart is broken inside, missing what once could have been, should have been, though my heart is battered within, I still see the world blue, blue deep within.

Fragile now I lay you still, I take my last breath knowing you will be there and well. Blue is my love for you, blue is the purest of offerings I can present to you.


PkS 2005 ©

STFU

Ever just want to tell someone to STFU? ehhhh screw it... why say it ... ROFL

Blah Blah

Ever wonder what is the funniest way to get someone back for sending you a crappy website to read, that completely bored and annoyed you to death? Hmmm... Leave it up to me to find the perfect website to send back out to all your friends, which will keep them busy for ahhhhh.... about 8 minutes (giggles) but in those 8 minutes, they will be bitching and screaming your name!! What to name it, hmm? I think I'll just name it idiotwholookedatthiswebsite!

But I warn you all now, don't be cussing my name, hey, I wasn't the creator, I'm just the messenger!!

Runs off laughing..... and pointing fingers!!!

Thongs

Has anyone seen my thongs?

Foamy

Zotty’s Random thought for the evening….

FOAMY! My lord and master…. FOAMY! Creamy Cheese!!!!

Thank you!

Oh PS –

If you don’t know who the hell FOAMY is…. Walk away from your computer now, shut it off, walk far away….. Ok, looks around, ok their gone. Good, now, I can scream what an IDIOT they are!!

Ah, much better.

This concludes Zotty’s random thought for the day.

Thank you!

Oh double PS - I did add a few of Foamy's famous advice tidbits to the world! Have a fun time watching all three of them... oh and your offended.... as Foamy would say, Shut the fuck up and fucking die! ROFL .... smiles!! TTFN!!

Love Song Unsung

Love Song Unsung ~

It won’t do any good singing anymore love songs to me
I’ve decided that I’m going away, far from our destiny
Won’t do no good knowing what I’m doing now
Won’t do no good knowing what I have planned

I’ve gone away, running and won’t look back
Won’t do any good singing anymore love romantic crap
Won’t do any good asking any more questions of what it all meant
I’ll just see you on the other side when all of this has come to an end
You won’t ever understand; I’m going away and won’t be back

Won’t do no good singing any more of your love songs
My standards have changed for loving you so
My thoughts and bounds have led me to this point
No sense in asking, because I’m not planning anymore

My actions will speak louder than what time can afford
The dark is bound now for my soul to take back
I’m going away, far far away, I’m gone, running away

Don’t send me any flowers; don’t send me any more love songs
Don’t send me any more love for my heart is dead, just as I am and where it belongs
Don’t worry any more, keep moving along with your life
Don’t send me anymore more memories, for my soul is finally taking a set flight

My fear for you boy, is that you can’t carry any of this out
My fear for you boy, is that you can’t carry on with out me
My fear for you boy, is that you never even listened to what was there
My fear for you boy, is that life moved on, just not with me in it

PkS 2005 ©

My Beating Heart

My Beating Heart ~

I gave you my heart, handed it to you without concern, without even questioning your intentions or finding reasonable doubt in your words. You had no resistance taking it, no questions ask, you gladly took it and said you would hold it for a lifetime of love and nutriment. You begged for attention, when it got distracted or selfish, you would just remind it when it was being too compulsive, knowing that was not its intention at all. I begged for you to hold it gently and kind, you said it would be yours until the end of time. You always looked for a safe place to keep it propped and secure, you seemed to give it great attention, more than anything else in your world.

You would caress it with gently thought. You would talk to it like it was your own, no matter what. You held it with pride and would shout to the world; this is the heart I love so dear. You held it up for everyone to see, you were addicted to it and could bare it no harm, just glee. You would say the things it needed most to hear; you kept it in a warm place, your sanctuary of endless love, where most people would fear.

But time started to shift, a rift you might say, your interests were not what you wished, anymore for the day. You became incredible addicted to changing how my heart felt. You wanted to defeat it and find some reason why it works in the strange ways it does. You always felt it was not good enough, you always wanted to have more, rather than what it could only bare. You decided to look for another heart to compare, you decided that if you did that, you would understand and be able to repair. You tempted several means, you choosed a path that wasn’t me and quickly you lost grip on what you had.

You kept pushing and pushing for answers of why, but sadly you broke it and the glue wouldn’t comply. You tired to repair it, with all sort of words and means, but in the end, there was no fixing it, it was shattered without repair.

You thought by giving charismatic words to it would make the glue stick, you thought telling it what you thought it wanted was the easy fix. You never took time to understand why, why now, why then; you kept on trying but in the end, it just would sit and be non compliant with your lies. Needless to say, you broke it each and every day when you decided to not pay attend it anymore. You walked away, thinking it would be there another day, when you had finished with your fun and games.

You had your chance, you had it all wrapped up in the palm of your hands, but you threw it out, thinking that in time it would come around, but sadly your mistaken, you no longer have control of what my pounding heart may hold. You lost your way to another day and now you’re alone in your search for answers.

Take this lesson wisely, you never know when temptation may arise, and when it does, you may want to run because you might loose more than you could imagine.

So when you decide to crawl back and want another chance, remember how you had the world in your hands. Hearts are not be tampered with, no action or word can stand alone when a heart feels betrayed and alone.


PkS 2005 ©

Who did it? Not me!!
Where's Waldo?

This is Kasi... the most spoiled pup in the world. And let's just say SPOIL is an understatement!!

How the World Revolves in an Endless Night

How the world revolves in an endless night ~

Funny how the world revolves, round and round it goes. To some it might look as though it’s not moved, not in motion or in a complacent tiresome state. How the world keeps going, as some people stay still, no motion, no advancement, no acceptance to the concept of motion. Round and Round it goes, which exit, no body knows. When is it your turn to step off this ride? When is it time for the motion to stop?

Ever see yourself on a carousal ride? Riding the horses, lions and tigers OH MY? Which way to the big top, which way is down? When is this ride ever going to end! This merry-go-around keeps circling around and around, faster and faster with no end in site. Where is the trash can, I think I need to puke!

Funnier even is how we use to love to be spun around as a kid. Never getting enough of it, even if we puked our guts up to no end. Parents would hold our hair back from our head, patting our backs reminding us of what we ate.

I rode that carousal for way to long. Time is of the essence now. Time for the world to pick up speed and move forward for me. It’s been a long day coming, who knows where it will take me.

Round and round we go. Time is at a complete stand, no where to go. Not knowing which way to get off this ride. Round and round I go…. Which way is the exit is completely unknown. Wandering aimlessly in a fogged state of mind, trying to correlate my thoughts before they fall out of me. Round and round, spinning out of control, trying to find any ejection button to release me. I want to run wild, run until the ride stops, but can’t find any end in site.

Looks around for any sign, a sign above all else. Can’t see anything in site, nothing looks right, nothing is correct, nothing is wrong, just something is biting me. Slaps my senses into place, tries to catch even the smallest little thing. Spacing out in time, refracting my mind, to gain control of a inter being that trapped in conjure, trapped in a state of mind that is bound. Not sure of anything now, not sure of whom I really have become… Round and Round, the carousal spins more, but still hasn’t freed me. To many thoughts running wild in my head, too many unknowns gathered, to many regrets.

I can’t breath; too much has taken over my mind, too much thought, too much time, too much spinning, uncontrollable, pain pouring out of me. I can’t run, I can’t hide, I can’t find a place to rest my mind. I can’t rest, I can’t sleep, I can’t find anything, anything at all. Motion is all I see, too fast of a pace, not understanding why it’s so confusing for me.

Finally the world seems to be slowing down in pace, not turning around in a crazy disgrace. Slowing down enough for me, slowing down for me to finally see. Slowing down enough for me to jump, slowing, slowing, slowing and finally off. Completely at a stand still, the ride seems to have let all it’s passengers off. Easing myself off the ride, sliding myself gently off to the side, heads still in a spin, not able to keep my feet on track with the ground. I look back, look to see what I just exited, puzzled in dizziness, influenced by the natural high, feeling like I need to take two baby step backwards, knowing that nothing will make sense and think, how simple it would be if I had just not allowed the ride, round and round it went and goes, to take me off the beaten path, now I have to recluse myself. Don’t even know what direction to take, don’t even know if my feet will be able to walk oh where I need to be, but as I walk away, I keep reminding myself what to and what not to say. Clear the mind of all the thoughts, allow the world to continue on its axel spin around and around. Let my thoughts stay in there, caught up in carousal.

Oh one more thing, ranting or raving is one of my best things. In this rant, deeply lies a very strong feeling, being lost and confused, feeling a sudden spin thrown into my world. Not knowing where or when, I’ll be able to finally admit, that paranoid thoughts have been ramped inside, walls are building for no reason in mind, just feelings of confusing, lost and complacent, trying to understand, why I just didn’t listen to that little voice inside.


~~ Writers note - This was a complete free style write. No edits, corrections, no spellchecks, grammar, or any of that done. Like it or leave it, it's how it came out. Oh and remember, don't take the ride if your not 42 inches tall or have just eatten within 30 minutes. OH and what ever you do... don't breath... your lungs will kill you afterwards!


~ PkS 2005 ©

Addicted Eh?

Addicting eh? Emmmm Hmmmm.... then addicted you shall be... addicted, to little old me!

Trickled Effect

Trickled Effect~

Trickling down my face I feel a warmth embrace
Of something pure and innocent that braces me

Trickling down my face I feel the moisture starting to escape
Of the laughter that has subsided, once the wind has sat still beside me

Trickling down my face, I start to feel the straight lines with no grace
Of purity and security twirling deep within myself

Trickling down my face, I find a gentle tear that pours itself downward
Of love and serenity held by a single passing of joy deep from within me

Trickling down my face, I find a passive place where I can find myself
Of feelings and memories that are mine, mine alone

Trickling down my face, I sense a wonderment of arrays that lead me down this path
Of absence grown deep within my heart, founded by a moisture that grows from within mine own

PkS 2005 ©

Hmmmm... pic's on bloggers now... Now all of you are in for it!

Swimming

Swimming in a faded washed world of reality... breathless in life, with a beauty that can not be touched, just felt by my warm embrace. Touched by life, touched by grace, touched with an innocence that holds me in place.

PkS 2005 ©

Fallen

Fallen ~

I’ve fallen….
Fallen for you, fallen for every little move, fallen for every breath you take, fallen in love with where we are today.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen deep within your eyes, fallen giddy for your laughter and smile, fallen even more for who you are, I’ve fallen and fallen hard.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for each word that is said, fallen for each thought that is in your head, fallen for your values in life, fallen in a place that just feels so right.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for your talents and cares, fallen for every corky little detail, fallen for understanding you so, fallen deeper into your soul.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for you, fallen for every little move, fallen for who you opened up to be, fallen in love with what we maybe.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for a man who brings a smile to my face, fallen for a man who understands my shy quite state, fallen for a man who searches the world aimlessly, fallen for a man who I could love endlessly.


PkS 2005 ©

Sleep well Young Prince

Sleep well Young Prince ~

Sleep well my young prince...Shall dusty white fairies pass above your bed and give you smooches from my sweet lips! While your dancing dreams are still in flight, just remember, I’m always by your side. If you should sleep you life away, remember how much my love for you is tucked away. For one simple kiss will awake you from your dreams. And if you can’t find me there by your side, you can always find me lying under the sycamore tree; off in my own fairy filled dreams. If you should try to wake me with a kiss, know this one simple thing, all my wishes become your dreams.

PkS 2005 ©

Dark Thoughts

Dark Thoughts ~

Dark thoughts run through my mind. Shadows sneaking endlessly in each corner trying to find a place to hide. Frighten of the light, betrayed by the dark; running countless hours avoiding what will unavoidably be my depart. Tired of the fight I make myself go through. Bored of the feeling of never being rescued. It’s easier to close and lock all the doors, but the darkness is calling and will be received with open arms.

This scared little girl had come to her end, of not understanding the grand torment plan. Darkness runs wild with lucid thoughts of suicide; dancing around like brushed wildfires. Not willing to accept a belligerent disgrace of man vs. mind on any mental state.

Dark thoughts continue, hidden to the world to see, not caring at damn what people may think. Nothing new to interject, nothing old to hold me back, nothing at all for me to see, just a darkness that has over taken me. When I lie in bed at night and pray that it is my last breath to take, nothing more seems so relaxing; nothing more is there to make me accept it. I have fought an excellent battle, but the more I fight, the more I know, I won’t be coming home with a trophy to flash and show. The battle was fought with dignity and respect, but sadly I did not win.

Dark thoughts run though my mind, finding all the crevices to take up my time. We have sat for several hour with conversation that temp me, yet, I’m still just that scared little girl who hasn’t fled. Once the time has been secured, I will take matters in my own accord. Not allowing the final battle to be lost, but rather just allowing the white flag to be raised high, no more tortured long dragged out nights.


PkS 2005 ©

Just a quick update

Just a quick update…..

I know I have not been around much lately, but as time has passed, my thoughts and writings are still deep within me. I have several pieces of my soul that I will be posting over the next few weeks that I have put much thought and energy in. Though my absence has been noticed from so many of you, I say from the depths of my soul that I do appreciate all the support, energy and love that you have sent to me, in either yahoo, emails, phone calls with the occasional unspoken words not left.

Time is a tricky thing. The body and mind need time to rest, relax and comprehend both current and past situations. Though it may seem as if the door has been shut, locked down or bolted, it has been my intention to re-coop from the world and try to find my perfect path in life. I can not say I have found that perfect path, but I feel I am at least finding my way slowly.

And yes, for those of you who know I have been writing Stop Waking Me Up and have previewed some of it, yes, yes, yes…. I will have the 1st chapter on this blogger soon. I am still making edits to the story!

Thank you again for all the support and love. The past few years have been dark, but yet a place some people need to attend to understand their meaning in life.

Zotty

In my Darkest Hour

In my darkest hour I see him walking away
In my darkest hour I see what could have been tomorrow, even yesterday
I see a woman who is obsessed with thoughts of being hurt
I see a woman whom has locked herself down for no good, too much regret

In my darkest hour, I hear no angels surround
In my darkest hour, I hear no heart beats except my own, beating alone
I see a woman who is driven by fear and tears
I see a woman whom has allowed the man she loves to disappear

PkS © 2005

To the Man I Love

To the man I love~

I leave you with these simple words to express my deepest feelings, my faintest thoughts and the endless love that I feel for you.

You brighten my day each morning I rise. You place a smile on my face each and every moment of that day, even when I sit and think of all that we had to overcome.

You nurture me into taking my first breath each morning I rise, with an endlessness beauty I can see only with my eyes; that holds my heart in the warmth of your loving arms, even though they are thousands of miles apart.

From the depths of my existence, I take each breath to love you, to hold you, to cherish and honor you, no thoughts of envy, no thoughts of worry, just unconditional love.

I stand with both legs, knowing that you will be there to catch me if I should fall. I hold both arms out, knowing that your love will be what returns to me. I feel the warmth of your body when I stand in fear, knowing you will protect me from what may arise, dark or bright, your love settles me.

To the depths of the ocean, to the scorched rays of the sun, I know your love is sheltering me, from endless fears I try to protect myself from. From the darkness of space, the vast unknown galaxy we both share, I know both our souls and love are there to bond us until it should explode, holding each other until the end.

You always have kind words, even in your darkest hour. You can loose your temper, as we all can do from time to time, but yet time heals both you and me, and yet I’m drawn even more to you, each day, each minute, each second that passes. You have blocked the world that I do not want to see, to shelter me in an ancient love that has been between us for an endless amount of time and will continue to follow past this short life.

To the man I love, I leave you these words that can only show you the tinniest bit of what my heart feels for you.

PkS © 2004

“I won’t go, I won’t sleep, I can’t breath, until you are here resting her with me… I won’t leave, I can’t hide, I can not be, until you are resting here with me…”
Dido © 1999

The Little Girl Inside of...

The little girl inside of ....

I’m dossal in decision; lost in transition from something I’ve put away…feelings for what I want to feel another day. Pushed by society, frantic in abandonment, eager to lead myself out of fear, passionate about not allowing anyone else to touch or feel me. Not able to allow anyone near or close, I hide away any thing of value. Behind that closed door lies a scared frighten girl, who has decided to remain in solitude. Far off in her mind, she’s wrapped herself up with divine, pleasant ventures of what could have been. She plans each day with a trip down memory lane, where she relives what she feels is needed to survive in her precarious state of mind, no matter what the horror it brings. She then decides to take a drive, where she likes to spend her quiet time. After awhile, she finds a path, where she swears up and down has never been touched, and walks towards her hidden river bed. As she sits and cries, over tea with a splash of wine, she never yet understands how she arrived to this place in time. For her, she wallows in fear, always remembering her fears, gently allowing them to take over her each day. She can’t step away, not in her fragile state, not even for a minute for a breath of fresh air. Later in the day, she writes out all her pain, praying that no one will ever read it. Reminders of a childhood of unwanted ness and deceit, secret talks in the halls, father behind bars, death loomed even at birth. Later in life, a repeat of the same, shamed by allowing it to reoccur. She finally found love, deep pure willing love, but banished it out of her heart, scared of getting more hurt, not understanding the depths it actually had bound her. As she wipes the tears, she knows writing it all will never end, never stop until she drowns herself of the fear. She writes for hours, sometimes never comprehending a single word written, just allowing her fingers to do what they must. She writes down her thoughts as if they were something she lost, in a transition of anger and hate. She marks certain pages of what reminds her of the pain, and is too afraid to ever look back at them. As she relives, her pain each day, she reminds herself of the different forks in the road she could have taken. She reminds herself of all the paths that lay beneath her. She reminds herself of all the times, she thought she had found a joy or pleasant memory. Yet for everyone she found, she found destruction and pounced on an opportunity to let it pass and be banished or gone, not allowing any joy to continue. She runs like a child back to the corner of her mind and sits and waits for tomorrow. Her fears never controlled, her anger never allowed to unleash, her hate for herself never able to be beaten. One day will come, and sooner I’m afraid than none, that this little girl will walk deep into her favorite river bed, down past the path, the lost path she seeks daily and allow the sorrow to be drowned instead of living a life of horror that reminds. Some things are easier in life, others have to put up a great fight, and some just can’t see a direction. For this little girl, will banish herself to the underworld, rather than allowing anyone to see her fight from inside. So, back to the transition, back to being dossal, back to life as I know it. Back from my mind, rather, in time, I’ll make sure I close it down. For me, as you can see, I will put my feelings away from what I want to feel another day, not because I don’t care, but because I can’t bare, not having you, not loving you, not being accepted by nor carried for by you not feeling your warmth to melt my cold heart, and not ever every allowing her to leave my mind. So, I’ll remain here, static, still, closed down, left in a stand, placing a painted smile on my face, for all the embrace and feel like nothing has changed.

~ PkS 2005 ©