My Redemption

My Redemption~

For each day brings a new beginning. A morning of peace, a place of quietness that allows one self to deal with the particular forces that confront them. For today, I find my peace. I find my place in the world where I can be myself, who I have become, who I am, who I will be. A peace in myself of understanding who I am. A peace of the puzzle that has been misfitted for so long, yet knew it belonged. I have found my beginning, I have found my redemption, a place where I can finally see the outside the realm of all the black and white’s. I can finally see the morning light, the sun has started to spread upon my cheeks as I sit still in front of the rays, feeling it warm my face as I openly embrace it.

I slept for a very long time, forgetting the noise outside in the world and lay still without noticing the world as it moved forward without me. I gave up everything important to me, walked away, ran quickly away, and slept it off, sadly, to help myself find a much needed redemption lost in my universe. I walked away from many things that I still hold deep within my heart. I bruised and abused many, on my journey of selfishness, tucking emotions away so I would not feel them. Not allowing myself to feel, shutting down my functions of being human, not caring who I abused on the way, no caring who was left in the path. A tornado in several regards, tossing and turning round and round on a dangerous path that optimally ended in destruction and a careless regard for anything left. Shut down by emotions that were not able to be controlled, taunted by steel that was so easily available at any care or whim. Careful not to express too much, careful to express too much, careful to shut down when it was not good enough, careful to explode when the pressure was overwhelming.

Purging was the willful thing for me. Purging my thoughts on paper, purging my soul on anything that allowed ink or print, purging my body with any form of steel to explore the depths of the anguish I felt, purging my blood to water as I lay still in the depths of my blue serene state of composition. Questioning each move, questioning each action, questioning each motion that was felt, questioning each word spoken, running for the steel that was so grateful to grace my existence when ever need be. Here I lay sleeping, dormant in a shallow lost state, listening to the world rotate round me, leaving me in a wonderless state of mind, waiting, watching, drowning as the water turned swirls of crimson.

For today is my redemption, I’ve awaken. I’ve taken the first breath in life again, reborn to a world who let me sleep, protecting me from what it knew was a tormented state of mind, not able to escape from. Woken from a somber state of reality, placed back in the world with a beating heart, knowing that as I open my eyes, the world will gently edge me back into what I have known, what I have felt for so long, yet been dormant to. Today I find the cycle of the tornado stirring to its end, dying out, peacefully calming down to a restful end. I find the wolf that barks and howls like no other animal deep within me, had calm down to a restful place. I find the world back in balance; I find my mind waking from the dark edges it became so prone to. I find the light refreshing and absorbing to my pale skin. I found my redemption.

Following what my heart said, following what my mind said, following what my body said, following what the motion of the world said, I followed…I followed wrongfully to a place that I regret, but I followed for the sake of keeping my sanity alive. I followed to allow redemption into my life; I followed to allow the abuse and regret to subside. I followed not to forget, but to remember; remember what it was like before, to remember how it will be afterwards and to remember how to not let the crimson purge creep back in to my mind.

Do not falter as I have done. Bestow your fears, wash away your tears. Take not what has been happened to me, as a form of excuse or non compassion for the actions that have taken place. I ran, I fell, I broke down, I hid, I slept, I tossed, I turned, I woke, I regret, I purged, I found relief in steel, I let the crimson take over…I am of all things, human; Human enough to acknowledge that some things in life happen for reasons, unbeknown to us today, yet when the journey approaches, a brilliance will bestowed to show you a path. The path of which you must decide to either take, or walk away from. I am at the fork of the road, awakened to decide, awakened to accept my fate. Today is my redemption, today I decide…

PkS © 2005