~Walks on the Edge ~
It’s not everyday that someone can look up and say “what in the hell am I doing”. It’s not every person’s life goal to acknowledge that maybe their choices in life, actions or choice to not take action leads them to a point in their lives where they stop, look around and say “hey, I’m about to topple over this edge if I get any closer”.
Funny how life just seems to pass daily, we each see the sun rise and fall, thinking that tomorrow may be a better day, sometimes thinking that all those little infractions in life will either just not be there tomorrow or maybe will be resolved over night without having to deal with them.
People walk on the edge daily without even noticing, walking towards a goal as they see it but later realize that the goal they thought they were so intent in making was completely over shot and fumbled. No score!!
Is it better to acknowledge the mistakes or better to just let them stay put away and just walk away from them? Is it better to “show face” and say “what in the hell am I doing, what was I thinking” and apologize to those who you may have hurt? Or is it easier to just keep walking the line, drawn in the sand, drawn by some unknown force that drives you until you get to a point where you can’t find yourself any longer?
Its all relative even if you don’t understand, especially when you don’t understand, It’s easier to just believe, you miss the point, you miss the door, you miss the belief, then fingers get pointed, the all of a sudden you see the edge that you’ve been walking on, without fully understanding how you got that far. Was it something so deep to believe in? Was it right for the day but the wrong decision that will affect you though out life? Does it really even matter any longer and walking on the edge brings relief to some degree since you know at any time it doesn’t matter if you leap. If you do choice to leap, does that necessarily mean you leaped on the wrong side of that edge? Is there actually a right or wrong side?
Walks farther on the edge, questioning every possible move, step by step, no notion of right or wrong, just knowing that walking easies the mind in asking so many questions of right or wrong.
Sometimes walking on that edge leads you to a frame of mind, where you can’t think straight, act insane or even be able to communicate. Hence, the phrase “Has she completely lost her mind” comes into play when thinking this. Could be? Could be not? Maybe it’s just the thoughts that aren’t able to be released or maybe it’s just not where they are all coherently functional and before you know it, and before you can even say anything, you are on that edge, trying so hard to at least get one thing stated but
POOF there’s the edge again saying “nope, too close, don’t move or you’ll fall”.
Hell, I’m starting to think that if I bring my bed along, I can live on the edge of that line, since I’ve been hanging around it for so long. (Ponders… maybe a better night of sleep maybe??)
Funny thing too that I realized about walking on the edge, is how there are too many politics in just having a conversation about emotions or things you are feeling because everyone’s is ready to put you down rather than trying to understand how you feel. Everyone’s got a statement to make, but no one got time anymore to listen. Or better yet, the people you felt the safest with, the ones you thought you could talk to, seems to always be the ones who are first in line to stab you right in the back. But how true it is how things always come full circle in life. Things seem bleak, dark and “edgy” (no punt intended) but then something comes along, some times new, sometimes old but no matter what it is, it always seems to be there when you need it the most. Funny how that karma crap really happens!
So going back to what I was originally saying… Walks on the edge, do you sway one direction and face up to what you know you did wrong in the past and at least try to acknowledge it and say what you need to those you may have hurt? Or do you just sway to the other said, wobbling around, and think “eh tomorrow will come, bring something new so forget about the past”… And if that’s the case, when do empathy and acceptance, and admitting your mistakes and acknowledging them come into focus? Or does it ever?
Eh… For me, I have to much sappy crap fluttering around in my jarred head as I walk that edge thinking of right vs. wrong, yesterday, tomorrow, yes or no, left or right. Though I do see things from a much darker side than most, not willing at times, I do try to always lay faith in how people are redeemable in their actions or thoughts and how the past can be corrected to a certain degree even if it’s just from a simple talk.
Yea, I admit I walk that line, have for a while now, tottering back and forth, left to right wondering should I fall or should I just hold still and just wait. Frozen like a deer in headlights. I’m not an easy person (And yes you can insert “yes we know this” here). I think over matters to a point where they scare me off and guess what, I close that door and lock it before anyone ever knew I had one. SLAM right in the face. I know I’m far from perfect, and hell, I make mistakes ever day, but then it comes down to empathy and rectifying at least some of those mistakes that maybe you just regret more than anyone knows.
Yep, walks on that edge, thinks long and hard, not only for the visible but for those little hints that were there all the time that I’m so famous for not noticing. And thinking more and more about it, I don’t think I’m the only one who’s walking on that edge either. I think there are a lot of people thinking the same thing here because I know I’m not the only one with empathy towards situations and can accept that some things have been overblown or taken out of context or maybe just not communicated correctly. Hell, NONE of us are any better than the next person and everyone makes mistakes daily. OMG how maybe edges are we all walking on???
Yea so in closing, I get to walk on my edge a little more here. Things recently in my personal life have come up, dramatic changes have occurred and venting is needed. But as most of you know, I vent, yell, scream, blow smoke and then just take a breath; inhaul and just try to tell myself take it minute by minute and just relax. INHAUL… EXHAUL… yep, that works, then I'm totally over it, had my venting tantrum and then I just move on. All better, EXCEPT for that damn edge….
Ever feel like your walking round and round on that thing?
K, time for some sleep and with that I say something that I use to sign off…
PEACE, LOVE AND ZEN BABY ~~ Zotty OUT!
Ohhh…. Almost forgot so if you read this far down then you must also know I have been writing in a personal blog about my daily info and updates, deeper spur of the moment emotions, quick views and disapprovals of thinks. A few people have asked me if I would make public for them. So at the request I will have that public shortly. (HeHe I had to take out all the hate letters I’ve written to some of you) JUST JOKING!!
