Crimson

Crimson ~

Shallow breaths as I fall to the ground…
Lingering hands on my chest…
Feels the crimson pouring out of my body…
Light headed as I fall hard…

Blinded by the tears…
Moronic screams drowning out the sounds…
Coughs for purified air…
No breath able to hold in…

Franticly trying to understand what happened moments before
Here in a lost state of mind, wondering how I ended up on the floor
Bleeding dark crimson blood, shattered, broken in disbelief
Am I broken? Or am I the light passed on from a distant time

Raises my arm to shield my soon embrace …
Not able to feel the motion…
Drops of crimson fall gently on my face…
Covers my eyes with soaking palms…

Flashing bulbs of brilliant white light bouncing around under my lids...
I know I am not sleeping but I’m not awake…
Tries for another breath, unsuccessful of this task…
Hears a voice close to me, whispering…

I’m too lost to be saved; I’d rather just allow myself to die
My mind talks to me as if it’s my friend
Telling me all the secrets I found bound
It speaks to me as if I’m already gone

Why did this happen… happen to me
What happened moments before, before I fell to the floor
Frantic, frantic to understand, trying to remember where I belong
Am I sleeping, dreaming, of something that I fear

Tries to kill the pain from my mind…
Only receives more in return…
I am dying with crimson pouring out of me…
So much regret and betrayal, so much fear…

Will I be remembered once I leave?
Lost for so long, would it really matter now with how things turned out?
Will you be on the other side once I find my light?
Or will you forget me like all the rest?

Thoughts of what just happened keep trying to seep in
Franticly putting together a puzzle of snapshots of what was my life
Was it me who wanted to die or a reality that came to flight
Was it my torment that will not allow me to pass over to the other side
Salvation is now what I seek, my soul cries for deliverance to my rest and peace

Trying to hold on…
Still bleeding, frantic with enslavement bound to the floor…
Screams fill my mind as thoughts pass by…
My mind talking to me so I will not be alone…
Lost here in a crimson tide as the world stops to say good bye…

I take my last breath…
Knowing I will now be at rest…
I exhale in relief, passes the breath to it’s next place…
Closes my lids to a brilliant light…
Darkness takes over me…

Franticly trying to understand why I choice to lie down and die?
Was it me; was it my mind, was it my time?
Could I be trapped in a dream that I can not awake from?
Was it he, who finally damaged me so?
Or was I who took my own life? Was it my suicide?


PkS © 2005

My Redemption

My Redemption~

For each day brings a new beginning. A morning of peace, a place of quietness that allows one self to deal with the particular forces that confront them. For today, I find my peace. I find my place in the world where I can be myself, who I have become, who I am, who I will be. A peace in myself of understanding who I am. A peace of the puzzle that has been misfitted for so long, yet knew it belonged. I have found my beginning, I have found my redemption, a place where I can finally see the outside the realm of all the black and white’s. I can finally see the morning light, the sun has started to spread upon my cheeks as I sit still in front of the rays, feeling it warm my face as I openly embrace it.

I slept for a very long time, forgetting the noise outside in the world and lay still without noticing the world as it moved forward without me. I gave up everything important to me, walked away, ran quickly away, and slept it off, sadly, to help myself find a much needed redemption lost in my universe. I walked away from many things that I still hold deep within my heart. I bruised and abused many, on my journey of selfishness, tucking emotions away so I would not feel them. Not allowing myself to feel, shutting down my functions of being human, not caring who I abused on the way, no caring who was left in the path. A tornado in several regards, tossing and turning round and round on a dangerous path that optimally ended in destruction and a careless regard for anything left. Shut down by emotions that were not able to be controlled, taunted by steel that was so easily available at any care or whim. Careful not to express too much, careful to express too much, careful to shut down when it was not good enough, careful to explode when the pressure was overwhelming.

Purging was the willful thing for me. Purging my thoughts on paper, purging my soul on anything that allowed ink or print, purging my body with any form of steel to explore the depths of the anguish I felt, purging my blood to water as I lay still in the depths of my blue serene state of composition. Questioning each move, questioning each action, questioning each motion that was felt, questioning each word spoken, running for the steel that was so grateful to grace my existence when ever need be. Here I lay sleeping, dormant in a shallow lost state, listening to the world rotate round me, leaving me in a wonderless state of mind, waiting, watching, drowning as the water turned swirls of crimson.

For today is my redemption, I’ve awaken. I’ve taken the first breath in life again, reborn to a world who let me sleep, protecting me from what it knew was a tormented state of mind, not able to escape from. Woken from a somber state of reality, placed back in the world with a beating heart, knowing that as I open my eyes, the world will gently edge me back into what I have known, what I have felt for so long, yet been dormant to. Today I find the cycle of the tornado stirring to its end, dying out, peacefully calming down to a restful end. I find the wolf that barks and howls like no other animal deep within me, had calm down to a restful place. I find the world back in balance; I find my mind waking from the dark edges it became so prone to. I find the light refreshing and absorbing to my pale skin. I found my redemption.

Following what my heart said, following what my mind said, following what my body said, following what the motion of the world said, I followed…I followed wrongfully to a place that I regret, but I followed for the sake of keeping my sanity alive. I followed to allow redemption into my life; I followed to allow the abuse and regret to subside. I followed not to forget, but to remember; remember what it was like before, to remember how it will be afterwards and to remember how to not let the crimson purge creep back in to my mind.

Do not falter as I have done. Bestow your fears, wash away your tears. Take not what has been happened to me, as a form of excuse or non compassion for the actions that have taken place. I ran, I fell, I broke down, I hid, I slept, I tossed, I turned, I woke, I regret, I purged, I found relief in steel, I let the crimson take over…I am of all things, human; Human enough to acknowledge that some things in life happen for reasons, unbeknown to us today, yet when the journey approaches, a brilliance will bestowed to show you a path. The path of which you must decide to either take, or walk away from. I am at the fork of the road, awakened to decide, awakened to accept my fate. Today is my redemption, today I decide…

PkS © 2005

Miss Me

Miss Me ~

Miss me, miss me not, you had your chance, you fucked it up. You tried to pull to much bull shit in my life, so fuck you, fuck off and fucking die. Leave me alone and rot in hell, you son of a bitch, you knew it all to well. You had your chance, you fucked it up; you kept on pushing, way too much. You never let it rest; you always felt you knew best. You always had to have the last word in, but this time around, you haven’t got a thing, except a sorry little ego that’s not getting shit from me. You always wanted more and more, nothing was good enough, not even the simplest notions were comprehendible in your feeble little pathetic mind frame. Always in a search to find out more, you never let it come all nat-ur-al. Push, push, push for more, more, more, never allowing time to heal what damage had been done. Why don’t you go back to the center of your universe, where you can stoke your narcissistic ego any time you feel the need and allow it to lick your own ass! Go dance your dance with someone else, go play you’re egotistic mind games with someone else who’s up for a transparent jack ass who can’t decipher the difference between reality and the vindictive nature of his own pathetic little world he’s created for himself.


PkS 2005 ©

Writers note – Harsh you may say? Feelings come and go, in all aspects of life however moments in life are what makes a person, some good, and some bad but no matter how harsh it may come out, it’s how I personally felt at the particular moment in time I wrote this. We all know a person like this, male or female, who is egotistic beyond belief at times; who thinks the universe was and is created only for their soul purpose. After writing this, it reminded me of another piece I wrote back in 2002 (Blogger archive 11/9/02) named “The Perfect Narcissus”. Take a good read, take a good laugh, but most of all, and be glad that some people aren’t afraid of saying GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

Sunday, August 7, 2005 -

Writes note update - First let me clear the air for my avid readers who all left me messages threw out the day about this posting. Thank you all for continually reading my blogger first and for most. Secondly, this was not written for any particular person in mind, nor was it written out of anger towards any one person. In fact, it was produced after several months of hashing around words of anger I had written down, out of several different pieces I was and still am working on. To answer your messages, NO, I am not angry or disgruntle at a particular person however, in the grand tradition of me, I write how I feel, write it when I feel it and write it straight from the heart.

For my Best Friend Who I love dearly – For years we have known each other, threw thick and thin, I know you took “Miss Me” to heart more than anyone else. Though your journey has been long, longer than mine, we have always shared a beautiful friendship that has enlightened both of us, threw the good and bad times. You have been one of my best friends for years, too many to count and though the words written down seemed harsh and disturbing, close echo’s to your own personal life, fear not what they directly say, but the empowerment they may lead you towards. Learn to stand up, learn to speak your mind, and learn to say NO when you have had enough. You are a strong, incredible woman who does have a voice, a voice which should have been loud and clear long ago, but though time has pasted, it is never too late to use your voice and scream if you must. Don’t allow yourself to continue down that dark path I took so many times, but find your redemption and faith in which you are. Any decision you make, I will be here for you, as you have always been here for me. I love you girl!!!