Who did it? Not me!!
Where's Waldo?

This is Kasi... the most spoiled pup in the world. And let's just say SPOIL is an understatement!!

How the World Revolves in an Endless Night

How the world revolves in an endless night ~

Funny how the world revolves, round and round it goes. To some it might look as though it’s not moved, not in motion or in a complacent tiresome state. How the world keeps going, as some people stay still, no motion, no advancement, no acceptance to the concept of motion. Round and Round it goes, which exit, no body knows. When is it your turn to step off this ride? When is it time for the motion to stop?

Ever see yourself on a carousal ride? Riding the horses, lions and tigers OH MY? Which way to the big top, which way is down? When is this ride ever going to end! This merry-go-around keeps circling around and around, faster and faster with no end in site. Where is the trash can, I think I need to puke!

Funnier even is how we use to love to be spun around as a kid. Never getting enough of it, even if we puked our guts up to no end. Parents would hold our hair back from our head, patting our backs reminding us of what we ate.

I rode that carousal for way to long. Time is of the essence now. Time for the world to pick up speed and move forward for me. It’s been a long day coming, who knows where it will take me.

Round and round we go. Time is at a complete stand, no where to go. Not knowing which way to get off this ride. Round and round I go…. Which way is the exit is completely unknown. Wandering aimlessly in a fogged state of mind, trying to correlate my thoughts before they fall out of me. Round and round, spinning out of control, trying to find any ejection button to release me. I want to run wild, run until the ride stops, but can’t find any end in site.

Looks around for any sign, a sign above all else. Can’t see anything in site, nothing looks right, nothing is correct, nothing is wrong, just something is biting me. Slaps my senses into place, tries to catch even the smallest little thing. Spacing out in time, refracting my mind, to gain control of a inter being that trapped in conjure, trapped in a state of mind that is bound. Not sure of anything now, not sure of whom I really have become… Round and Round, the carousal spins more, but still hasn’t freed me. To many thoughts running wild in my head, too many unknowns gathered, to many regrets.

I can’t breath; too much has taken over my mind, too much thought, too much time, too much spinning, uncontrollable, pain pouring out of me. I can’t run, I can’t hide, I can’t find a place to rest my mind. I can’t rest, I can’t sleep, I can’t find anything, anything at all. Motion is all I see, too fast of a pace, not understanding why it’s so confusing for me.

Finally the world seems to be slowing down in pace, not turning around in a crazy disgrace. Slowing down enough for me, slowing down for me to finally see. Slowing down enough for me to jump, slowing, slowing, slowing and finally off. Completely at a stand still, the ride seems to have let all it’s passengers off. Easing myself off the ride, sliding myself gently off to the side, heads still in a spin, not able to keep my feet on track with the ground. I look back, look to see what I just exited, puzzled in dizziness, influenced by the natural high, feeling like I need to take two baby step backwards, knowing that nothing will make sense and think, how simple it would be if I had just not allowed the ride, round and round it went and goes, to take me off the beaten path, now I have to recluse myself. Don’t even know what direction to take, don’t even know if my feet will be able to walk oh where I need to be, but as I walk away, I keep reminding myself what to and what not to say. Clear the mind of all the thoughts, allow the world to continue on its axel spin around and around. Let my thoughts stay in there, caught up in carousal.

Oh one more thing, ranting or raving is one of my best things. In this rant, deeply lies a very strong feeling, being lost and confused, feeling a sudden spin thrown into my world. Not knowing where or when, I’ll be able to finally admit, that paranoid thoughts have been ramped inside, walls are building for no reason in mind, just feelings of confusing, lost and complacent, trying to understand, why I just didn’t listen to that little voice inside.


~~ Writers note - This was a complete free style write. No edits, corrections, no spellchecks, grammar, or any of that done. Like it or leave it, it's how it came out. Oh and remember, don't take the ride if your not 42 inches tall or have just eatten within 30 minutes. OH and what ever you do... don't breath... your lungs will kill you afterwards!


~ PkS 2005 ©

Addicted Eh?

Addicting eh? Emmmm Hmmmm.... then addicted you shall be... addicted, to little old me!

Trickled Effect

Trickled Effect~

Trickling down my face I feel a warmth embrace
Of something pure and innocent that braces me

Trickling down my face I feel the moisture starting to escape
Of the laughter that has subsided, once the wind has sat still beside me

Trickling down my face, I start to feel the straight lines with no grace
Of purity and security twirling deep within myself

Trickling down my face, I find a gentle tear that pours itself downward
Of love and serenity held by a single passing of joy deep from within me

Trickling down my face, I find a passive place where I can find myself
Of feelings and memories that are mine, mine alone

Trickling down my face, I sense a wonderment of arrays that lead me down this path
Of absence grown deep within my heart, founded by a moisture that grows from within mine own

PkS 2005 ©

Hmmmm... pic's on bloggers now... Now all of you are in for it!

Swimming

Swimming in a faded washed world of reality... breathless in life, with a beauty that can not be touched, just felt by my warm embrace. Touched by life, touched by grace, touched with an innocence that holds me in place.

PkS 2005 ©

Fallen

Fallen ~

I’ve fallen….
Fallen for you, fallen for every little move, fallen for every breath you take, fallen in love with where we are today.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen deep within your eyes, fallen giddy for your laughter and smile, fallen even more for who you are, I’ve fallen and fallen hard.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for each word that is said, fallen for each thought that is in your head, fallen for your values in life, fallen in a place that just feels so right.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for your talents and cares, fallen for every corky little detail, fallen for understanding you so, fallen deeper into your soul.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for you, fallen for every little move, fallen for who you opened up to be, fallen in love with what we maybe.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for a man who brings a smile to my face, fallen for a man who understands my shy quite state, fallen for a man who searches the world aimlessly, fallen for a man who I could love endlessly.


PkS 2005 ©

Sleep well Young Prince

Sleep well Young Prince ~

Sleep well my young prince...Shall dusty white fairies pass above your bed and give you smooches from my sweet lips! While your dancing dreams are still in flight, just remember, I’m always by your side. If you should sleep you life away, remember how much my love for you is tucked away. For one simple kiss will awake you from your dreams. And if you can’t find me there by your side, you can always find me lying under the sycamore tree; off in my own fairy filled dreams. If you should try to wake me with a kiss, know this one simple thing, all my wishes become your dreams.

PkS 2005 ©

Dark Thoughts

Dark Thoughts ~

Dark thoughts run through my mind. Shadows sneaking endlessly in each corner trying to find a place to hide. Frighten of the light, betrayed by the dark; running countless hours avoiding what will unavoidably be my depart. Tired of the fight I make myself go through. Bored of the feeling of never being rescued. It’s easier to close and lock all the doors, but the darkness is calling and will be received with open arms.

This scared little girl had come to her end, of not understanding the grand torment plan. Darkness runs wild with lucid thoughts of suicide; dancing around like brushed wildfires. Not willing to accept a belligerent disgrace of man vs. mind on any mental state.

Dark thoughts continue, hidden to the world to see, not caring at damn what people may think. Nothing new to interject, nothing old to hold me back, nothing at all for me to see, just a darkness that has over taken me. When I lie in bed at night and pray that it is my last breath to take, nothing more seems so relaxing; nothing more is there to make me accept it. I have fought an excellent battle, but the more I fight, the more I know, I won’t be coming home with a trophy to flash and show. The battle was fought with dignity and respect, but sadly I did not win.

Dark thoughts run though my mind, finding all the crevices to take up my time. We have sat for several hour with conversation that temp me, yet, I’m still just that scared little girl who hasn’t fled. Once the time has been secured, I will take matters in my own accord. Not allowing the final battle to be lost, but rather just allowing the white flag to be raised high, no more tortured long dragged out nights.


PkS 2005 ©

Just a quick update

Just a quick update…..

I know I have not been around much lately, but as time has passed, my thoughts and writings are still deep within me. I have several pieces of my soul that I will be posting over the next few weeks that I have put much thought and energy in. Though my absence has been noticed from so many of you, I say from the depths of my soul that I do appreciate all the support, energy and love that you have sent to me, in either yahoo, emails, phone calls with the occasional unspoken words not left.

Time is a tricky thing. The body and mind need time to rest, relax and comprehend both current and past situations. Though it may seem as if the door has been shut, locked down or bolted, it has been my intention to re-coop from the world and try to find my perfect path in life. I can not say I have found that perfect path, but I feel I am at least finding my way slowly.

And yes, for those of you who know I have been writing Stop Waking Me Up and have previewed some of it, yes, yes, yes…. I will have the 1st chapter on this blogger soon. I am still making edits to the story!

Thank you again for all the support and love. The past few years have been dark, but yet a place some people need to attend to understand their meaning in life.

Zotty

In my Darkest Hour

In my darkest hour I see him walking away
In my darkest hour I see what could have been tomorrow, even yesterday
I see a woman who is obsessed with thoughts of being hurt
I see a woman whom has locked herself down for no good, too much regret

In my darkest hour, I hear no angels surround
In my darkest hour, I hear no heart beats except my own, beating alone
I see a woman who is driven by fear and tears
I see a woman whom has allowed the man she loves to disappear

PkS © 2005

To the Man I Love

To the man I love~

I leave you with these simple words to express my deepest feelings, my faintest thoughts and the endless love that I feel for you.

You brighten my day each morning I rise. You place a smile on my face each and every moment of that day, even when I sit and think of all that we had to overcome.

You nurture me into taking my first breath each morning I rise, with an endlessness beauty I can see only with my eyes; that holds my heart in the warmth of your loving arms, even though they are thousands of miles apart.

From the depths of my existence, I take each breath to love you, to hold you, to cherish and honor you, no thoughts of envy, no thoughts of worry, just unconditional love.

I stand with both legs, knowing that you will be there to catch me if I should fall. I hold both arms out, knowing that your love will be what returns to me. I feel the warmth of your body when I stand in fear, knowing you will protect me from what may arise, dark or bright, your love settles me.

To the depths of the ocean, to the scorched rays of the sun, I know your love is sheltering me, from endless fears I try to protect myself from. From the darkness of space, the vast unknown galaxy we both share, I know both our souls and love are there to bond us until it should explode, holding each other until the end.

You always have kind words, even in your darkest hour. You can loose your temper, as we all can do from time to time, but yet time heals both you and me, and yet I’m drawn even more to you, each day, each minute, each second that passes. You have blocked the world that I do not want to see, to shelter me in an ancient love that has been between us for an endless amount of time and will continue to follow past this short life.

To the man I love, I leave you these words that can only show you the tinniest bit of what my heart feels for you.

PkS © 2004

“I won’t go, I won’t sleep, I can’t breath, until you are here resting her with me… I won’t leave, I can’t hide, I can not be, until you are resting here with me…”
Dido © 1999

The Little Girl Inside of...

The little girl inside of ....

I’m dossal in decision; lost in transition from something I’ve put away…feelings for what I want to feel another day. Pushed by society, frantic in abandonment, eager to lead myself out of fear, passionate about not allowing anyone else to touch or feel me. Not able to allow anyone near or close, I hide away any thing of value. Behind that closed door lies a scared frighten girl, who has decided to remain in solitude. Far off in her mind, she’s wrapped herself up with divine, pleasant ventures of what could have been. She plans each day with a trip down memory lane, where she relives what she feels is needed to survive in her precarious state of mind, no matter what the horror it brings. She then decides to take a drive, where she likes to spend her quiet time. After awhile, she finds a path, where she swears up and down has never been touched, and walks towards her hidden river bed. As she sits and cries, over tea with a splash of wine, she never yet understands how she arrived to this place in time. For her, she wallows in fear, always remembering her fears, gently allowing them to take over her each day. She can’t step away, not in her fragile state, not even for a minute for a breath of fresh air. Later in the day, she writes out all her pain, praying that no one will ever read it. Reminders of a childhood of unwanted ness and deceit, secret talks in the halls, father behind bars, death loomed even at birth. Later in life, a repeat of the same, shamed by allowing it to reoccur. She finally found love, deep pure willing love, but banished it out of her heart, scared of getting more hurt, not understanding the depths it actually had bound her. As she wipes the tears, she knows writing it all will never end, never stop until she drowns herself of the fear. She writes for hours, sometimes never comprehending a single word written, just allowing her fingers to do what they must. She writes down her thoughts as if they were something she lost, in a transition of anger and hate. She marks certain pages of what reminds her of the pain, and is too afraid to ever look back at them. As she relives, her pain each day, she reminds herself of the different forks in the road she could have taken. She reminds herself of all the paths that lay beneath her. She reminds herself of all the times, she thought she had found a joy or pleasant memory. Yet for everyone she found, she found destruction and pounced on an opportunity to let it pass and be banished or gone, not allowing any joy to continue. She runs like a child back to the corner of her mind and sits and waits for tomorrow. Her fears never controlled, her anger never allowed to unleash, her hate for herself never able to be beaten. One day will come, and sooner I’m afraid than none, that this little girl will walk deep into her favorite river bed, down past the path, the lost path she seeks daily and allow the sorrow to be drowned instead of living a life of horror that reminds. Some things are easier in life, others have to put up a great fight, and some just can’t see a direction. For this little girl, will banish herself to the underworld, rather than allowing anyone to see her fight from inside. So, back to the transition, back to being dossal, back to life as I know it. Back from my mind, rather, in time, I’ll make sure I close it down. For me, as you can see, I will put my feelings away from what I want to feel another day, not because I don’t care, but because I can’t bare, not having you, not loving you, not being accepted by nor carried for by you not feeling your warmth to melt my cold heart, and not ever every allowing her to leave my mind. So, I’ll remain here, static, still, closed down, left in a stand, placing a painted smile on my face, for all the embrace and feel like nothing has changed.

~ PkS 2005 ©

Understand

~Understand~

You’ve never seen the courage I’ve known
Its colors richness, brightness won’t appear within your narrow view
I’ll never glow, the way that you wanted me to glow
Your present’s dominations the judgments made on me, by you

As these single thoughts grow, you and I see in different eyes
I understand, but I am still too proud to mention it, to you
The shades and shadows of my perception, are tainted now with hurtful words and actions
I realize what I am now to scared to mention to you, for I choice now to fly towards the sky

You say you understand, But you don’t understand
You say you’ll never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie
Sadly, we’ll never meet… eye to eye

You’ve never touched, felt or understood these things that I hold
This skin of deepened emotions lies well beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul, the burning urging feelings that I hold, deep within
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown, to you

You’ll say feeling me in your dreams was ever enough
I’ll say it’s easier than it seems, though torture is all I see in my dreams now
You’ll say you’ll never love me again, no matter how far I fly
You’ll never wake up knowing how or why, I’ve tortured myself with so many desires

You say you understand, yet you’ll never understand
I’ll say you’ll never wake up knowing how or why
You’ll say you’ll need peace of mind, knowing and hearing my torn drenched cries
But I’ll never be able to stop the tears from crying, for you


PkS © 2004

Unsurpassable Light

Unsurpassable Light~

Unsurpassable light floods my pale shadowy face
A sense of surety, purity no less takes over my boundless disgrace
Childish thoughts run wildly, happily in my mind tucked away
Frantic visions of what may be tomorrow, the yesterday of today

Stuck in a world of misery and hate
Stuck in a mindless, obscure state
Drenched in agony, filtering each process as it lays still
Birched reality comes open handed with a simple touch or feel

Unsurpassable light floods my darkened hallow face
A sense of fear draws out my tears that causes havoc in this place
Bound by a rhythm of indescribable fear
I run frantic, staring at flooded lights for that one thing to appear

Stuck in a world of misery and hate
Stuck in a mindless, obscure state
Drenched in agony, holding my last breath
Birched reality comes open handed in the valley of death

Unsurpassable light floods my skull formed face
A sense of wonderment, wisdom forgotten with slowing pace
Clipped emotions with a refuge of energy splurged
Frantic feelings of a motion running down a spiraling curve

Stuck in a world of misery and hate
Stuck in a mindless, obscure state
Drenched in agony, pouring crimson regrets and betrayal
Birched reality comes opened handed in madding state of hell

PkS © 2004

Abandoned Hell Hole

Abandoned Hell Hole

Damn me back now to where I come from
Take my mortal sins and wash them clean from my hands
Refrain me from torturing my own unpleasant soul
Send me back to my abandoned hell hole

Tell me again the tales of weathered scorched skies
Fire breathing dragons that fly high and mighty in the sheered sky
Relentless fortunes that grace the birched landscape
A flowing abundance of forgotten souls trying to escape

Drag me back to my birth land
Drive me into my redemption of acceptance of who I am
Keep me awake to stand my trial
Keep me alive to remind those who may follow

Damn me back to where I come from
Take my mortal sins and wash them clean from my hands
Refrain me from torturing my own unpleasant soul
Send me back to my abandoned hell hole

Remind me again of the dismemberment and disease
Pessimistic wizards casting bounded spells of endless grieve
Forceful abandonment of this mind not at ease
Wakened demons to guide me back to my den of endless sleep

Drag me back to my birth place
Drive me back to who I am
Keep me company as I stand and face my trial
Keep me alive to remind all others of what may follow

Damn me back to where I come from
Take my mortal sins and wash them clean from my hands
Refrain me from torturing my own unpleasant soul
Send me back to my abandoned hell hole

PkS ~ 2004 ©

Empire

Welcome to Empire

Empire is website where the topics are as diverse as the people who place them.

We have several different forums such as Science, Odyssey, Politics, Stargate, How To's, Web Design, Computers, and Earth issues, along with a verity of others.

Membership is free.

Please join or visit us at:

Empire

You can check out more of my postings on Empire!

Hope to see you there!

Only Time

~Only time~

Only time is what bounded us
Only time is what called to us
Only time mended our love for each other
Only time understood our needs to become a couple
Only time was our saving grace
Only time was our foolish embrace
Only time will lead us to our first kiss
Only time will let our depths endure
Only time will free our every whims
Only time will let us start the endless cycle again
Only time will give us a day without rain
Only time will carry on after we weather away
Only time will bring us both together
Only time is what makes us forever

Only my love for you, I can say these words are true, for you still hold the key to my scorched darken heart, but our love will never be torn apart.


PkS © 2004


Writers note: This is written while listening to Enya’s: A Day without Rain. This song is especially special to me, both for the lyrics and the meaning behind it I share with the man I love. Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of how easy it is for us (as in people) to get caught up in life and forget to just say thank you for the simplest things. So, in writing this out, I just want to say thank you for knowing that even when the darkness takes flight, I always know where my wings will find their light.

Past Today Future

~Past Today Future~

Take me as I am, broken, barrowed, battered and bleeding. Take me from this desolated place, where I run from sorrow and fractured memories. Take me under your graceful arm; guide me back to where I need not run from. Shelter me from the sins I have condemned, protect me from the flatulent trace of a past that desecrated my existence. Weathering eyes look saddened with tears, from a playful mind of yesteryear. Take me as I am, broken, barrowed, battered and bleeding. Take me now, for I shall hold on, for the grace of your touch to render my heart.

PkS 2004 ©

What's Left

~What’s left~

Sadness wakes inside my bones
Glancing towards my endless moans
I sit and pray that the end will be swift
I sit and beg for what little remains are left
To be wash away without a fight, no more
I past each moment with anger and pain
For this black virus who eats me to just end it’s game
I wait for answers
I hear no remorse
I just sit and wait for darkness to unfold within me
I take pride in what I had
I take more envy in what I could have become
I am barrowing what time is left
Months, weeks, days or even a small click of a watch
Time is of the essence but not for me to judge
Time is barrow, sinned and now just ending
For no more love to be touched by my simple hands
I’ve washed away what was left of me
Let the rest of me blow with the summer breeze
Flying high with the clouds, gleaming over the world below


PkS © 2004

Bounded to a Time and Place

~Bounded to a time and place~

Bounded to a time and place, a never never endless face, a place in time that is surrounded by a wondering mind of a never ending confusion rhyme. To others they see a mouthy being, one who is sharp and sassy with no care or feelings. To those who know and know so well, there is a greater purpose to those spun words of fearless appears. To catch the attention of one so bold, to open their mind to another world, one that is outside of this box that keeps the rhythm of key strokes and word counts so one can continue to peek.
Bounded by a time and place, I sit here pondering who is next to face. To see the world as it once spun by, to watch the faces climb in and out of my eyes. To wonder how the world has moved on, in seconds and milliseconds to a beat that is gone. From my eyes I notice the leaves turned and fallen, a world that has stopped in motion yet is beating outward.
Traveling threw a wire to communicate, traveling to millions who don’t even know your existence or faith. Watching them slowing move past, wondering if they too can feel the motion stop. Fighting to push the time to continue, not broadening your boundaries but yet waiting for some sign that will show me when it is time.
Starry eyed and mind flickering at light speed, I wonder when I can finally release. Release my tension of not moving forward, release my momentum for it is stale and swollen. Release my mind from these thoughts of endlessness, release my position of close-mindedness. Sitting in this chair of release, moving forward in words that help me come to ease. Finding a way to express each of my moods.
Sitting here, watching out the window, I see the world at a stop, no movement, no gleam. It has stopped, no motion, no time, this is my endless blind eye. Bounded in this state of usuries and unknowns, watching the trees loose their leaves and drop slowly to the ground. Dead upon arrival, hitting the ground with easy, I sit and ponder if the leaves are me. Watching them blow with the wind, move slightly an inch but to them, no movement at all.
I watched them dance to their final grave, they looked so innocent, braking off with easy. Gracefully floating to the ground in the wind, they finally look like deaths beckoned end. Time seems to be the only thing that will heal these lost souls of the land, time will take them, bury and move forward with its master plan. The season will change, the tree with grow, branching out a new growth of life and the cycle is reborn.
So, once again I bound to a place and time, endless thoughts run threw my mind. Dancing dreams of when the clock will wine, patiently waiting for the motions to glide.

~ PkS © 2004

Decline

~Decline~

Here is where I show my decent, my decline into a deep psychotic state of mind. Allowing each and every thought to cross where I have been and allowing my transcend state to cross into many several stages of the uncertainty, the unknown, the fruitful playful need that each mind will allow itself to go. Here is decline into a deep enriched place, hidden from within, taught with hidden traces of anger, shallow memories of places taken in, endangering episodes of rarity that transcend into complexity.

Depth of ones soul is scattered with great fear, of uncertainty how it will all end. Ending of what is still unknown but just the unsure, faces not familiar, sounds that have not been experienced, motions with no result, fractions of reality lost in a world structured in my head.

Complexity of building blocks, neurons franticly searching for an understanding of what is to be the future, building confusion, building anxiety, building a web of disinformation that is never to be used. Building the mind into a darken complex state where only I can began to unravel.

I sit and listen to simple sounds of today, wondering if those sounds will lead me to peace of mind or if they will continue to haunt me, desperately trying to place them into a memory file. An understanding within myself if they will bring me some satisfaction to my soul by the simple relation of memory or just a fragment of reality.

Feeling as the world is motionless, feeling as if I’m in a warped state of surpassed reality, much like the Langoliers that roam the earth after life has moved on and passed. Taking the end and wishing it away, I see myself here, lost in this place of torment and rebirth in one swift movement.

Paradox is how I see life; tribulation is fitting for the deceased. Finding where one standing in between is the question most of us urn for. Finishing ones path in life, knowing that is asked and what is certain, what can be expected is all but fitting but yet almost never completed.

Your path is your thoughts, your dreams, your anxiety, your joy, your anger, your hate, your like, your dislikes, your love, your control, your favorite smells, your favorite foods, your favorite everything, including most importantly your ego state of mind is what leads you to decide how each path you take, your comprehension towards that path and the temptation that guides you in and out of your life’s needs.

Tightly stitched thoughts running sporadically, enlightening me; franticly teasing my every whim. Controlling the non motionless state of my decline, loosing the touch of what might be surreal.

Here is where I show my decent, my decline into a deep psychotic state of mind. Flowing cells, rapidly flustering thoughts that decent into the darkness. There to be locked in a vault, trapped until I find use for them again. Find a use for them to accept or reject how I view the world in my psychotic state of mind.


PkS © 2004

Once

Once

Once I was happy to say good bye,
Wash my hands to it all and never think twice
I would just shut my eyes and think of all the hateful pains
You caused my heart to feel inside, beaten, tore down, mentally ashamed

The grief, the sorrow, the shame, the pain
The anguish, the torment, a sinking pitiful game
The destructive words that came so easily
The masterful glee you took from inside of me

I would think about the words said in anger
I would think about the childish behavior
I would remind myself everyday of how much you broke my heart
I felt like I was left to suffer, never to allow myself to restart

I would say things about you to keep me upset
Trashing your name so easily without a care or whim
Cussing you even when I was asleep
Kicking myself in hate at the mention of your name

Once I was happy to feel that way
Never worried about letting my heart get swept away
Once was a long time ago for me
It took years for me to relinquish the pain

As time moved forward, and I still stood still
I could faintly hear those words disappear
As time still marched as a parade took flight
I can now say, Once was another life time

You said those words, you held so dear
You said your peace, as you left my world
But once I realized that time will not stay still
I learned to take flight and rejoin the world

For now I’m glad you have move out of my life
I’m finally at a place where I can sleep at night
I no longer take what you said out of spite
I know now that you did what was right

PkS © 2004

Freedom at a Price

Freedom at a price

Freedom - The ability to choose for ones-self, in both voice and in action; the ability to make rational decisions to voice an opinion without repercussions, without being afraid of a government, church, local civics club or any member of the stated, taking any action against the expressed person who has made such statement(s) or comment(s). The quality or state of being free, the absence of necessity, coercion or constraint in choice or action, the ability to be frank, open, or outspoken and with the ability of conception or execution. The ability to speak what is on your mind, be it justice, be it cruel, be it impartial or foul, but just the ability to say speak what is on your mind.

So with that said, I have a clear statement I am expressing now. If you appose, then you have every right, but as I explained, it is my choice and ability to make this statement.

How easy it is to just take the life of another, innocent or guilty and reinforce our own society and their thoughts by screaming Freedom. Is it freedom? Is it justice to say Freedom, when life(s) has been taken, to better our own beliefs? Is it not an injustice to us all when we demonstrate the ability to kill another human being in the price of freedom? Is that justice to the families, to the friends or to their own beliefs?

Taking the breath of another and saying it was for our own protection, for our own good, for our own right to serve as our fore fathers did before us to protect our land, to kill a man who is doing the same for his own country, is that justice? Is it justice for us to judge another by their choices in their lives such as religion, speech, their ability to act or take function with others, their decision to stand on their beliefs and them have their own thoughts on who or how they would like to be treated?

Do we always follow our own history and do as are fore fathers did before, and if so, is that not going to lead us into more bloody baths that will be endless, with endless life’s taken, with endless results with endless stories of tragedy and endless thoughts reminding us of how we did come about freedom in the first place? Or have we already forgotten that as we stand here in America, we stand united, under HUNDREDS of gods, not just one, but HUNDREDS; have we forgotten who we truly are, how we came about getting to where we are now and now many blood baths we alone had to over come to be where we are today?

Are own history has proven to us that murder, death and killing others for the sake of Freedom has not placed us in any better state of mind that our enemy that we so readily judge on the same principles. We hold each person the same respect but when the ability to grant freedom, we ask they pay a price for it. The price might come in a certificate, a donation, a statement or even the choice to relinquish their own beliefs, their own thoughts and their own decision of what is placed value of Freedom. For if you give your life, give your family ability to give you that life, then so freely a person should take it away, for a decision made my men who have no understanding of what the civilized world means nor has the will to choice to accept and understand each and every one of our differences.

Who are we to decide how others should live or die? Who are we to say prayers for the death or dying who have so laid their lives in front of ours to protect us from evil that fortified our well being? Is it not this evil that we grew ourselves? Is this not our own demise and ALSO our own redemption that we should soundly take notice of and solely without questioning, but accepting and learning from our differences? I ask not to be protected, yet I ask for all to accept and protect their own beliefs, their own visions, their own practices yet with a better understanding who we truly are not in the face of man but who we truly are in the face of brotherhood.

In the United States of America, we are raised to believe that each and every one of us are of protected by our peers, our allies, our parents, our family, our guardians, our friends and most importantly, our government. As a child, you are taught what freedom is by examples of history, events and patterns dating back to the cavemen. You are taught that freedom may come at a price, but that price never has a value. To give ones freedom up is giving up their life. It is a chain of events that we, as in titled the World, have done to ourselves endlessly for a vary of reasons, primarily over religion or land.

When will we stop the cycle of this endless battle within our own selves and insure to each and every person on this planet that Freedom is not a decision someone in made up for it’s spirit of sounding good, but yet truly take the meaning to heart and make the difference. Not just a difference for one, but a difference collectively for all, for all to feel, for all to choose, for all to see and feel.

The endless life’s taken for the word of Freedom. The endless lies we hear about who is threatening our freedom. The endless cries that are unheard because we yet have not listened to our own past, learned from our fore fathers. We stand proud, but we are proud of nothing, and can not be proud with nothing until we learn what freedom is truly about.


PkS ~ 2004 ©

Gilded

Gilded

Gilded once walked beside me. Wrapped in his ego, he lead me to believe in a world of solitude pleasantries. He bronzed my thoughts in fanatics of life, only to destroy them with a blink of light. He forecasted my world in ravens gone wild, he blessed my sins with heavenly clouds, marked his territory with ark shaped notions, draining out the gallons of emotions. For Gilded was a savor if you will, he will visit you in time, if you will, to take upon what he calms is his; give him what he wants and he will forever be pleased.

PkS © 2004

I want to be kidnapped for a week.... Everybody has a Value, Everybody has a price, those that love you or employ you will PAY.... How much are you worth?

If you want to Rant, cramp, framp, bitch, moan, whale, hate, mate or what ever you might be into, just know that your not the only one in life who's got problems! We don't want to hear about your problems anymore! Oh and go ahead and choke on your food too! Or just take the advice of the rat attached!

If it wasn't for life's little corks, we would still be living in the swamp! Register now so you can get a jump start for the upcoming draft we all know is coming!

Silicone

Silicone

So many times I tired to hide behind a painted smile
Portrait of me, sitting still in a framed world for all to see
Brushed images of my world, stroked onto a canvas
Flowing sensation of life painted behind a painted smile

Just a framed piece of art
Hung in a gallery for all to admire
People come and go
Thanking the administrator for the show

You never tired to see behind my painted smile
If you see the stokes, I’d let you into the secret in me
But you only see what you will from me
Letting me continually freeze my image of a painted smile

Smiling while lying to the world
Smiling to convince the world
Smiling to bring ease back into my world
Smiling while lying, hiding, frighten

Repeated the action of my silicone state
So many things the public will take
So many times I’ve tried to make you understand
The painted smile is not all that is of me

So many times I tired to hide behind a painted smile
Silicone state of a portrait
Brushed onto a canvas for the next exhibit
Frozen in a time for the world to admire

Just a framed piece of art
Hung in a gallery for all to admire
People come and go
Thanking the administrator for the show

PkS © 2004

The End is Near

The end is near… Darkness flows closer to my thoughts and memories. Destruction and dissolutions follow me… the end is drawing closer to my every thought. Beware of lucid dreams of time gone by, they are nothing but lies trying to pull you closer in to a dream that will never arise.

PkS 2004

Please be advised.... this site is now under the flight control of my mind. It's been high jacked for your entertainment. Sit back and enjoy the show.

Sincerely,

Management

Sleep? Whats sleep? Anyone got the answer? Me??? Sleep??? never sleep... Insomnia holds me tight, that and the bed bugs that continually bite!

IF you see one of the men in the Trench coats, that put up signs for lost animals... please tell them I'm waiting for my ride. They are late for their appointment, but who knows, Roland must be keeping them tired up. Anways, I will sit and wait, wait and sit, for the trench coated men to show up at my door.

Sleep well my young preys....

Femme Violence

Femme Violence

Find me once lying on the bathroom floor
Find me twice kicked like the trash out the door
Find me a third time wondering down the street
Find me dead as I lay upon your feet

Thinking of me when you had me in your hands
Thinking of me as you beat me to shallow breath none the less
Thinking of me as you tortured my mind
Thinking of me as you slit my throat with a sharpened edge knife

Slap me senseless with marks to show the world
Slap me endlessness to show your power and growth
Slap me violently to the ground soaking in blood
Slap me repeatedly for no certain care, reason or whim

Beat me to deaths beckoned end
Beat me till my blood run thin
Beat me repeatedly till my last breath is gone
Beat me restlessly, continue with your fun

PkS © 2003

Note – These comments are the particular views of the writer, either from personal experience of her own or a way to release aggression, using a format of writing. The comments suggested above are not in anyway stating that violence is acceptable, in any standards. It is the view of the writer that the violence stated above should be read as fiction and should not be portrayed as an actual event(s). The writer holds no responsibilities, nor knowledge of events, if the above statement should coincide with personal experience(s) of the reader.

Bored

~ Bored~

Bitch and moan all you want...... I'm so bored with what you got…

Bored with the rhythm of the afternoon
Bored with the oceans that are blue
Bored with the careless acts
Bored with the threats and attacks
Bored with the answers
More so bored with the questions that repeat the answers
Bored with the notation of things are fair
Bored with the thought that I just don’t care
Bored with the actions of careless ways
Bored with the freedom that people portray
Bored with the problems of the world
Bored with the standards we so adore
Bored with the careful ways we have to act
Bored with the faces that have turned black
Bored with the cries you only hear in the dark
Bored with the “coming of our savor” religion talk
Bored with how it once was
Bored with how it’s turning out
Bored again with the same old song and dance
Bored with roads that take you no where
Bored with the small mindedness that lurks everywhere
Bored with the intelligence that people show
Bored because they are so friggen slow
Bored with how proper you have to be
Bored with the stamp of being approval meat
Bored how we treat each other
Bored with the pathetic games we do onto others
Bored with how careless we have become
Bored even with the rhythm of the sun

Bitch and moan all you want…. I’m so fucking bored with what you’ve shown…

PkS © 2004

Purging Time........Have knife? Will travel!

Flinch

~Flinch~

What, it’s been over a decade since we meet.... It still feels like it was yesterday..... we only knew what was going on between each other.... we only bruised each other but the pain still is floating around in each of us.... you made me run and hide.... you made me retreat to a hidden place in my head.... you bite, you slapped, you fought with your fists, you kicked, you always made sure that the marks were not seen except by you.... proud of your art work, you took so much pride in it..... Bragging to your buddies on what a great man you were.... how long can a girl be tortured by you..... How long can a girl be haunted by you..... How long does it take before all the pain goes away.....you thought by just dropping in every once in a while that all would be forgiven..... You thought that going away as I asked would only make me want you again.... but you were sadly mistaken..... you didn't see it coming...... you didn't see that I learned to shut myself off to you.....even when you still held me down, you could not get close enough to make a difference.....you thought that if you stopped my heart may return, but you were sadly mistaken once again.... you threaten and stalked, you even decided to make good on a promise..... but after all that you did, broke as I am, you still can not get what you want out of me.....the acceptance that you desire, the love that you require, the trust and emotions that you think you need..... you took what should have been memories and turned them all into hate, devastation, boredom, and confusion......I always wanted for you want you wanted for yourself.... but we both knew from the start that neither one of us should be in the place we ended up..... Now the final chapter is closed, but yet the pain still lingers around..... Afraid of stepping out, without looking behind me, not trusting anyone because of what actions my lay ahead..... yes, thank you for breaking me down, for all your wonderful work you have done.... you have left me broken, but you still lost the battle, you still lost the war, you never gained what you always wanted, you never could get into my heart.... and yes thank you for your marks you left, I added a few of my own, but they are there just for me to remember what path not to follow again.....And even though we I sat for months and vacillated, I just took it all in, let you continue and still you are the one you has lost everything.....

~PkS

2002 ©

I wrote this to cleanse myself of the torture I had allowed into my life. The sorrow, the demise, the hate and most of all the insanity of allowing myself to get to a point of becoming hollow inside. The one thing I have learned since I have written the above paragraph is that you have several different paths you can take in life. You can choice your own path, you make your own decisions, but when you continually have your past as your path, you can not direct yourself in the right direction. Time has proven to me that memories may fade but they do not die, the pain will follow you, no matter what you do to forget it. Horror is the factor, pain is the product and destruction of ones self is the ultimate pleasure to gain. You are nothing more than chest piece that is moved from moment to moment until you realize that you are not the one in control. Life allows you to choice, yes, but it also allows you to destroy much more in half the time.

Torture, where I live now, is allowing yourself to continue in ways you can not control. Continuing is destruction if the cycle can not be broken. Destruction is my disease, the ultimate demise of ones soul.

PkS © 2004

Constellation

Constellation

The earth, the wind, the moon and the stars
For each and everyone…who ever you are
This is my wind that I speak so softly
This is my breath that I give to you gently

For each drop of sand I lay before you
I reach more towards the moon in its glory
Following my heart to the depths of your sea
I sprinkle my warmth on countless evenings

I share my thoughts with you even as we speak
I open my arms for you to reach me
I wait for a signal of your love to bounce back
I follow your movement in the waiting shadows of its past

Each star is a representation of my love I cast
Shining down onto you in a weather beating forecast
Each droplet of water that runs down my face
Is caught in your sweet loving embrace

The moon and the stars have aligned in our favor
The earth and wind speak so freely of our nature
You have grasped my tears that flow like the river
You have taken me out of the shallow water

The earth, the wind, the moon and the stars
The have aligned to show us both who we are
They formed together to draw their strengths
They send us both a sign of our love and inter faiths


PkS © 2004

Clipped Wings

Clipped Wings

Clip my wings so I can not fly
Clip my spirit so I can not try
Clip my sanity so I can not find
Clip my world so I can not die

Take me away from this god forsaken place
Take me away from theses evils that built up into pain
Take me away so I find who I truly am
Take me away so I find earths beauty in a shielded hand

Bound me from the evils I do upon myself
Bound me from the thoughts that take overwhelm me so well
Bound me from the screams that follow me into sleep
Bound me from the depths of my own mental well being

Let me fly with the wind with no care in the world
Let me fly with the air that is breezes in the clouds
Let me fly with the angles that watch over many of us
Let me fly with the breath that has bound both of us

Let me find my way back from where I am today
Let me find my own way to fight the evils that have risen from my pain
Let me find my own road, my own path as in life
Let me find the demons that haunt me every night

Clip my wings so I can learn to fly again
Clip my wings so I can teach my spirit to at least try again
Clip my wings so I can find the sanity I lost so long ago
Clip my wings so I can let my world begin again with a tolerance and no ego…

PkS © 2004

30 Seconds

For anyone who might have missed what really happened... The truth has finally been expressed in 30 seconds!

HAHA

When ever you see danger lurking around… Don’t run, just stop and ask it for directions.

When you feel like your going insane….Take a deep breath, close your eyes and think of Michael Jackson kissing you. (Now you will just be sick to your stomach, not going insane)

When a telemarketer calls you… Tell them that you are interested in listening to them, but you are presently busy taking a shit.

When you want to get someone back… Just call their local pizza place and order 25 large pizzas for delivery. (Make sure you *67 so they don’t have your phone number)

When ever you feel like you are going to puck… Look up, close your eyes and grab your tit and pinch. (Let me know how good it felt later)

In Memory of the Lost

In Memory of the Lost~

Lingered whispers from ancient lost city
Ruins still stand where the souls once lived
Footsteps long lost now substituted by a new creation
Standing over the memories of this forgotten time and place

Hearing the echoed chants of words mumbled in confusion
Feeling the breeze of their last wishes gracing past my face
A cool chill of remembering how once it was
Standing in this ancient, lost but not forgotten place

Looking down at this ancient path I stood upon
I find myself wondering how many others once stood on this hard but shallow ground
Finding myself deep in tranquility, purified of how I once had been here before
Finding a longing, an ease in breathing in the stale air

Looking all around, I find myself remembering how this ancient city use to blossom
People bustling, frantic, in a rush to place themselves in a tomb to be forgotten
Praying to the Gods of the day, taking in food that would later dissipate
Building with primitive tools, not knowing their future would soon be lost to the world

I stand, I watch and I listen to the whispers and echo’s that are so faint
I look around this desolated place
Once a vibrant, breathing city of such glory and fame
Now nothing but these desecrated ruins of a god forsaken place

For today is yesterday as tomorrow will also be forgotten
As we lay a path down before us, so we also will not be forgotten
But when we look back, we see only the ruins of our own defeat
Standing full circle, listening to the lingered whispers of our own ancient lost city

PkS ~ 2004 ©

Painted Black

Painted Black

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black

I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they are painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back

I see the people turn their head and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it happens every day

I look inside myself, and see my heart is black
I see my red door and its heading into black

Maybe I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea, go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you

I want to see it painted, painted black
Black as night
Black as coal
I want to see the sky blocked out
I want to see it painted, painted black

© 1979

Bounded to a Time and Place

Bounded to a time and place~

Bounded to a time and place, a never never endless face, a place in time that is surrounded by a wondering mind of a never ending confusion rhyme. To others they see a mouthy being, one who is sharp and sassy with no care or feelings. To those who know and know so well, there is a greater purpose to those spun words of fearless appears. To catch the attention of one so bold, to open their mind to another world, one that is outside of this box that keeps the rhythm of key strokes and word counts so one can continue to peek.
Bounded by a time and place, I sit here pondering who is next to face. To see the world as it once spun by, to watch the faces climb in and out of my eyes. To wonder how the world has moved on, in seconds and milliseconds to a beat that is gone. From my eyes I notice the leaves turned and fallen, a world that has stopped in motion yet is beating outward.
Traveling threw a wire to communicate, traveling to millions who don’t even know your existence or faith. Watching them slowing move past, wondering if they too can feel the motion stop. Fighting to push the time to continue, not broadening your boundaries but yet waiting for some sign that will show me when it is time.
Starry eyed and mind flickering at light speed, I wonder when I can finally release. Release my tension of not moving forward, release my momentum for it is stale and swollen. Release my mind from these thoughts of endlessness, release my position of close-mindedness. Sitting in this chair of release, moving forward in words that help me come to ease. Finding a way to express each of my moods.
Sitting here, watching out the window, I see the world at a stop, no movement, no gleam. It has stopped, no motion, no time, this is my endless blind eye. Bounded in this state of usuries and unknowns, watching the trees loose their leaves and drop slowly to the ground. Dead upon arrival, hitting the ground with easy, I sit and ponder if the leaves are me. Watching them blow with the wind, move slightly an inch but to them, no movement at all.
I watched them dance to their final grave, they looked so innocent, braking off with easy. Gracefully floating to the ground in the wind, they finally look like deaths beckoned end. Time seems to be the only thing that will heal these lost souls of the land, time will take them, bury and move forward with its master plan. The season will change, the tree with grow, branching out a new growth of life and the cycle is reborn.
So, once again I bound to a place and time, endless thoughts run threw my mind. Dancing dreams of when the clock will wine, patiently waiting for the motions to glide.

~ PkS © 2004

Today

Today, I sit and worry, waiting for a sign, if any, to show itself to me. Today, I sit and worry, if this is my last day I’ll have. Today I sit and worry, thinking over everything that has come full circle. I wonder a lot of what life has given me, I think a lot of what I have not given back.

I took a long walk today, by myself, just letting the wind blow on my face. No thought of where I was going, yet every few seconds I would look up and see the lit moon in broad daylight and think of how small a life, any life, really is. Today I fight all my fears that have been building up inside of me, fearing what the future holds, what life is about to unfold and to wonder if, such a small person as myself, can ever light up again in daylight. Today was to be my day, just to think, take in, learn, express and go though all the emotions I needed to, to get myself prepared for what tomorrow brings.

I have to say, that even though I’m not so easily scared with some things in life, I can’t say I’ve never been so scared before till now. It’s come full circle with me, all the emotions, all the blame, all the yelling and crying of not understanding why I’ve had to go through all of this. Facing tomorrow and facing my decisions are harder than I ever thought they would be. Guilt has played a huge part in it also, not reaching out, pushing away and not wanting the comfort of what I may have needed. But those are the choices I decided. That is how I wanted to deal with it all. Even removing my grandparents out of my daily life, out of love and compassion of not watching me decline.

Today, I kept looking at the moon, knowing that anyone could see it at anytime such as I. It put a little smile on my face, just knowing that even though I could not touch it, not pull it towards me, not take it home and wrap it up and keep it, knowing that it will continue to shine, day or night, no matter what the weathers like, it will always be there and it hold a piece of me now. I saw something today in that daylight lit moon, something that gave a warmth in my heart. It was something so small and so inexpressible, that it still just holds me, but I mostly believe that it’s just because it was that one little something I saw in it and knowing that anyone can look up and see it also.

I’m frantic emotionally, stressed physical, trying to place myself in a mental state of just going through the motions to protect myself. Is it working, no, of course not, if it was, I wouldn’t be sitting here having to get all of this out of my head.

Today, above all else, I’ve come to terms with everything and nothing all in the same breath. I over worry, I over react, I take things in the wrong tone and I reject to easily. I can turn myself off, shut down to easily for most, then search for something that doesn’t exist, some sort of guidelines within myself but never yet have found it. I can be the hardest person to deal with but can also melt at the tip of a hat. I can hold my ground for answers, yet give nothing in return. I have looked long and hard at myself and have realize that it’s not easy being me. Over this battle of acceptance, battle of surety, battle of past understanding and now a battle of a fucking disease. Tomorrow, I’m scared. Terrified, of what the outcome is to be. I hold my hands tight and start to wonder if all my years of searching for some higher power, some understanding of my place in the universe, some quest of knowledge of if there may be a person to pray to, isn’t teaching me a lesson. I was asked once from the man I love, if I wasn’t in search or maybe hopping of a God. I quickly said no, but I think he may have been right. I guess, when it comes down to it, I am searching now, for someone to give me an answer, a place I can pray, a person to hold onto and a faith to understand. But yet, my ego and mind both, sit here now and taunt me now, reminding me of my deeper reasoning, that I’m just looking for a place to point the blame.

It all comes down to this. I sit and I wait. Looking back right now, I wish I had done so many things different. So many things I wish I had just done instead of over think them. I wish I could have let go of all my fears, my memories that I blamed so many others for, then took my blame out on others I loved. I wish I had not been so fearful, so unable to accept, so ready to point a finger, so ready to hide and not allow myself to open up. I wish I had taken out the anger, the hate and the punishment, the blame and constant fighting over really nothing. I wish I could have just come to terms with things easier, been more open with my own fears, not hidden them from the ones I loved, who now can easily just blame. I guess my pride has fallen down, feeling vulnerable and alone.

It’s very quiet here. Nothing moving except me and the keys on the board. I can hear the wind outside, blowing and swaying the trees. My biggest fear is that I never get to say the things I think I needed to say. I guess its like a book that someone has written but never really explained a certain persons feelings. And I think that fear in me is that I will never be able to say what I’ve needed to say.

Over the past year, I have fought my toughest battle. One I never thought I would ever go through. I never would have thought in my life I would be faced with something like this. When I found out I had Cancer, I truly thought it was just one of those things. Something that would just go away with the right treatment and medication. As time passed on, and the news kept coming back negative, I started to retreat inwards, slowing moving away from everyone and everything. Treatments came and the went, medication was lowered and raised, a few good words once in awhile, but more negative than anything. Now, it has started to spread, and tomorrow I go in for another surgery. This one cuts deeper, more removal and searches for what else there may be hidden inside of me. When I was told of the results, I really was general with everyone. But when my doctors told me what the truth was, I just couldn’t understand. I blew it off, or I should say I made everyone think I did, when all it did was kill me inside, kill off any feelings I had. I call this my shut down, my lock down, my personal protection. I just kept saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, just one more surgery, nothing big, no worries, nothing to be frighten about, just a little surgery” but all I could do was close myself off and now I chose to face this all alone. This will be the whopper one, as my mom like to say. It’s easier for me, not to see the people I love, feel like they can’t do anything to help. It’s easier on me to have them mad and upset, pissed and anger than let their hearts hurt as mine does. It’s been easier on me to just write in my journal each day of my feels, shame and pain than to express them to anyone. But now, I feel that I may not ever get to say my feels again so I’m expressing them here, so if you or anyone you know has to go though all of this, you know the right thing and the wrong things to do.

I feel the guilt and shame now for running away. I know I’ve let the people I love down and have left them wondering why I’m completely shut off and non sensitive to what they say. Mostly I feel sad that I was never able to open myself up and just express how I truly felt. Why I choice to do what I did instead of just choosing to not care and walk way. I mostly think if I had opened up, would I feel the way I do or would it be the same feelings inside of me. Today, of all days, I have seen myself for who I truly am, for who I’ve become and who I could have been if I had just said I had something to say. But today is almost over, and all I my pride will allow is me to justify this in these short words.

I also can remember a conversation I had recently with a good friend of mine who asked me if I thought I had remorse of my actions or decision of my expressions. They also asked if had to courage to say how I felt to a certain person. I simply said “My courage was displaced over the past year, hidden deep were my feelings of not being able to forgive, pointing a finger of blame easier than myself taking the blame, like being locked in a shell that I could not break. My remorse is that I never broke that shell and opened up to how I truly felt.” I later said “If I was given the chance to change things, I would have and would have learned that love does conquer all.”

So night has fallen now and I’m going to go outside and just sit and watch the moon. Hopping that it will give me something that I can hold onto again. I am terrified, almost destroyed inside of what I am feeling. Mostly afraid that I’m going to just be a broke shell, that one person who is not able to let herself live again. I’m frighten and distraught, worried of what tomorrow brings, wondering if I’m going to be able to go outside and look at the moon again.

I’m a shattered person, more so than I’ve ever been. I’m sorry that I ran, I’m sorry that I just could not find the right words to express. My tears at this point are guiding my words, and I know it’s too late for the “I love’s yous and hugs and xoxo’s.”

Purgatory

Purgatory

I’m damned …. Damned to no end …. Damned to hell ….Damned to Purgatory
Damned to Earth …. Damned to no end….

Does this rock we call home, is it so bad? Is there a meaning deep in the core rocks that tells us our fate? Why do we search for our entire lives for a place that may or may not exist. But we as people are so easy to place blame. For if you don’t believe then off to hell and be shamed.

If we are so quick to sentence a person…“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS” …then why does the question remain of purgatory in my head? Would you damn your mother to a waiting room decorated by hell? Would you damn your father to a place of the dead? Would you sentence your grandparents to a place where all time can do is wait?

Are you truly damned if thinking outside of the box? Are you so caught up in your own life that you are going to be saved just because you’ve read a book? Do you think calling or singing out your holy names, that Christ Your Savior is continuing taking all your pain away? Do you think that life has only one meaning? Do you think that praying to a leather bound book is the only answer?

I’m damned either way I look at it. To hell, to purgatory or to just lay dead. Would it not make sense to think man created god? Would it not make sense to wonder if there was a god who created him?

To hell you first say for my comments that lay on this simple page of paper. You condemned me now for speaking out loud and documenting my behavior. Damned to hell, off I go, and no forgiveness is allowed. I sit on the stones of the murders and thief’s and take no water or rest for my weary bones.

What if I was shackled to purgatory? Rushed off in a hurry so faith doesn’t know I’ve questioned anything. To sit and wait, for a reply of my fate, to ponder and pray for forgiveness. Time has no meaning, just wait and wait, for redemption or damned to hell. While decisions are made, I still have to sit and wait and make out a list of examples of what a terrible person I’ve been for damning thy name.

Damned to Earth for the rest of its life. Roaming around to find the answers I question inside. Search the word in a sphere, round and round I may go, not knowing if any one question I ask may turn into a laughing show. Walk the ends of the earth to find that one true answer that we all are in search of. Damned to a question with no answer to be found. Buried or burned, mummified or scattered, the truth does no lye on this soil that we call earth.

For these three things I question all the time, for hell is nothing more than a purgatory in which lies on earth soil. Wrapped in a tainted view of one’s on perception. Faith is nothing more than a concept to protect our own salvation. We damned ourselves to this eternal flame of questioning who are creator is or was or could be one day. Take life for what it is, nothing more than a purgatory shackled in mixture of earth and hell.

PkS ~ 2003

Let Me

Let me…

Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me whispering softly spoken words
That reminds you of my affection

Let me grace the back of you neck
With a whisp of two finger tips
And show you a gentler side of my emotions

Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace

Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me caress your body slowly
Each ticklish curve and every bend

Let me grace your entire back
With a whisp of my finger tips
Let me show you my erotic side of affections

Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace

Let me tease and torture you in fetish delights
Let me shower you in a soft moon light
Let me infringe on your privacy
Let me spoil your last whim

Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace

PkS ~ 2003 ©

Oh Father

Oh Father

So many questions, never enough time
So many unanswered thoughts run threw my mind
Fainted traces of a pleasant childhood
Tortured memories of a non so pleasant parenthood

Were you intentions so much greater than mine
Were your beliefs so gracious and tantalize
Did you ever wonder about your actions that would remain
Did you ever just call out my name

When did you realize that fatherhood was not a blessing in disguise
When did choose to destroy you families entire lives
Who did you think you were in taunting the people you love
Who gave you the right to demolish your only chance at pure love

You birthed and fostered a hatred deep inside
You took away the passion of a little girls cries
You destroyed and ravaged the sanity of one little girl
You broke the bonds of parenthood by flipping off the world

Even though you are gone from here, you still taught me in my dreams
Memories of a burned out man who was nothing but a shame
Even though you have left this world, you left your mark on this little girl
I hold the anger and shame of you within my deepest thoughts that rage and swirl

When I get the chance, I will visit your grave
When I get the courage to be brave
When I get this chance, I will show you what I’ve become
A woman who has grown past your evil and has sir come

Beauty out of evil has branched out of me
Resurrected passions, letting the past overcome me
A chance to finally be free is my only saving grace
Of letting you stay buried, rotting and feasting off your own taste


PkS ~ 2003 ©

Each Day

Each day I sit and wait and watch… I see the hands on the clock… They move east as I move west, I catch myself wondering when they’ll miss…Fruitful thinking of a mind gone mad…. One white jacket ordered…..For me at Last!

PkS 2003 ©

Forbidden God

Forbidden God

Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness

You ask me to surrender my faith and walk with you in the shadows
You ask me to surrender my believes and tend for only your breathless notions

Follow my lead and take my last breath for it is sacred with purity
Swallow my last breath and taste my last wish upon this countless cycle of epiphany

Deemed me to walk with my brothers and sisters who shall take no name
Who talk no name and pray to no name for this is our savor, our damnation, our choice

Take my dreams away as punishment
Take my soul away for it will resurrect
Take my body bleeding for I fight for who I shall name as my God
Take me to temptation and tease me for I choice my God

Continue to walk endlessly threw the patch of darkness
For I shall stand here alone and let you die with no vain of my soul

You are nothing more than a coward who feeds off of ones frenzies
You search the earth for weakness, for this is your true calling
You haunt the will and taunt the name of anyone who walks along your path
You tease for acceptance, knowing one will sub come eventually

For I stand before you and calm now that you are not my God
For I am strong and can see your weakness
For I stand before you and show you how powerless you are
For if you were my God, would you have to thieve and steal purity from within
For if you were my God, would you stand before me and call for my forgiveness

For if you were a God, you would stand before me praying on behave of themselves
For if you were a God, you would stand before us all with sorrow and disbarment
You would not hind behind the lining of a book nor allow a feed of frenzied
You would not hind in words of dislike and torture, death to be taken so easily

Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
I wake to find you have shown yourself face to face to me
I find you have stolen nothing but an identity
I seize you back to where you come
I damned you back to your feral land

PkS © 2003

Subsequently Life

Subsequently Life

Always later it seemed to be
Time just walked away from me
Staring at the bedroom wall
I see my reflection begin to fall

Here is where I needed to be
There is where I lead my belief
Where is now the time has escaped me
Time is just a release of being free

Wide eyed and open to the world
This subsequently life is of a bore
Legacies pasted down from generations to generations
Forgotten secrets of ones own past and damnation

Walk with me for a while as I tell me tale
Of a life of persecution I know so well
Tempt me to tell my story of a child lost at sea
Tortured my inter being and let her go free

Always later it seemed to be
Time just walked away from me
Staring threw my eyes with shame
This subsequently life goes up in flames


PkS~ 2003 ©

Treasured Illusion

Treasured Illusion

Shattered memories of a forgotten pain
Lost in limbo trapped in an eternal flame
Darken dreams of endless flights
Perched legacies that seem so bright

Drifting off slowly into a deeper sleep
Trying to navigate where I want to be
Chasing the shadows that frighten me so
Finding my redemption to gain control

Running with the towering falls
Faithless fairies juggling whimsical balls
White clouds of angel dusted sands
Swept off to my never never land

Singing with the elegance of light
Hearing the humming birds wings take flight
Daisy grown pastures of motionless breeze
Smelling the apricots before the winters freeze

Watching the stars shooting across the orange lit sky
Catching weeping tears that fall softly to the ground as I lye
Seeing a glimpse of ancient cities that lay beneath
Running my hands across their ruins shacking in disbelief

Here is where I relinquish myself
Lost in a treasured illusion beyond all else
Dreaming of this peaceful majestic place
Countless times for me to run away


PkS ~ 2003

Shake me with Guilty Hands

Shake me with guilty hands
Chill from yester year with ponder look
Fast the sleepless night aproaches
Yet you are still with demons in thought.

Follow the sled to forgotten times,
This maybe your only demise.

~ PKS

Nothing

Nothing


Nothing will be like it was
Nothing could be like it is
Nothing can change the distance between us
Nothing can persist

Sorrowed by the anger
Saddened by the pain
Sympathy for unspoken words
Sickened by it all with the little bull shit games

Remembrance for the suffering
Remembrance for the gain
Shallow minded both we were
Both ignorant of the pain

You are both friend and foe
You wear both masks and scarves
We are both guilty
Hiding our true feelings of who we are

Is it appropriate to love each other?
Is it appropriate to justify the emotions?
Is it appropriate to do anything?
Or is it better to let sleeping dogs’ lye?

Nothing would be a hard thing to forget for nothing would be like it was
Nothing would run away from you for nothing could be like it is
Nothing would be frighten for nothing is between us except a small distance of land
Nothing could scare me away from the persistence of love that I have to give


PkS 2003

Thinking of You

Thinking of you…

I think of you every now or then. Remembering the times we shared and laughed without a care or whim. I remember the softness you so graciously instrumented; like a beautiful orchestra at midnight playing a song we both would remember.

I think of you still from time to time. I remember your solid words of encouragement; the feelings and thoughts that always made me crumb inside. I would lose my fear, lose my intentions of waiting; I would run wildly in thought for a passionate grasp of you’re reality.

I remember how you use to care for me, always asking the right questions; waiting for that once spoken word that brought you enjoyment with a mix of complexity. You seemed fearless of my answers, knowing some deepened understanding. You waited so gently for that last breath to be whispered, like a whisping willow gracing the shadows of a lost world sleeping.

You were my sounding board for life’s little corks. You kept me grounded and surrounded with feelings of love and positive thoughts. You were my best friend, my buddy, the one I could see. You were my soul, my thought, you were my everything.

I think of you every now or then, truthfully it’s more like each moment I’m awake from the deadness I live in. Even when I’m dreaming, I still think of you as it was real, not willing to wake from the dream that has become my surreal.

Sometimes you are in the corner of that dream, mouth shut and quiet. Other times you are with me, hand in hand, face to face, expressing how you truly feel, not holding onto our mistakes. I wake from the dream, not knowing if I’m able to grasp, wondering if it meant something or if it’s going to disappear into the past.

Though I think of you from time to time, I have moved into a clearer state of mind. I see the past as it once stood still, knowing now that your were never real. I think of what could have been, where the fork in the road made its bend. I wonder if I was ready and willing or could it be a path of conciseness that I’m finally quitting.

PkS 2002 ©

Love is a Gamble

Love is a Gamble

Love is a gamble
Kissing is the game
Boys do the screwing
Girls get the blame

One night of pleasure
Nice months of pain
Three days in the hospital
A little boy or girl to name

It all started when a boy
Gets a girl against the wall
Pulls down her reputation
Sticks in his education
Adds to a new population
Of a younger generation

The boys are the BASTARDS
The girls are the WHORES
The stupid little fucker wouldn’t be here
If the little rubber didn’t tore

PkS~1988 ©

Valley of Self Demise

Valley of self demise

A selfless act, a wondering path, a child runs to her mother for protection once more, a woman begs her spouse to end the violence, a man rolls his sleeves to get one more hit in before he realizes what act he as commenced, an employee throws herself into her work to stop countless acts of wrath hands, a gentle hand brushes along the bowed back to caress the pain that has generated, a trapped state of coherences, forgotten places, trouble signs, screams running threw my mind… these are all the views of my self demise.

Waking in a cold sweat, shaking hands and a feverish head, twitching at the smallest beats, washing out the hate before touching a living thing, reviewing the bruises and scars before each daybreak, checking for blood spats against the wall, hand prints in the sand to wash way the memories, applying make-up to hide the marks, paranoia at every turn, closing myself off to resist anymore… these are all the views of my self demise.

Kicking and screaming in anger to stop, hearing the countless sessions of mouthing off, lay on the cement praying it will end, waiting for rescue as the fists belt down again, watching the booze be grossly consumed, covering my eyes for shattered pieces of glass as they fly by, letting the blood drip slowly off my face, counting the drops as they hit the ground in a rhythm pace, watching the evil pounce yet for another blow… these are the views of my self demise.

Watching the time pass each day, wondering when I will be able to walk away, looking at the past, recognizing the anger I hold within for the carelessness I allowed myself to guide in, slowly taking control of my life again, still hiding behind the chill of silences when alone at night, praying for the answer of how to return, deciding which direction to lead myself, following my screams in the dark, dreaming of a peace within my heart, knowing it will come eventually as I continue to wonder down the valley of my self demise.

OMG

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG (thats all I had to say).... Once again for the hearing impaired.... OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Experience

Experience ~

Blog me this.... I know your dying to know.... what dirty little secrets I will show.... Find the hidden arrow.... that opens my mind... there you will find..... a sexual experience unlike any other kind…

Find the dancing rabbit behind the glass house…. There you will see a white sheet with clouds all around… Lay down on the bed and fall fast asleep…. Wait for me there…. To find a pleasure that can’t be beat….

Getting aroused from this game of words??? I bet you are… wondering where my thoughts are as I twist my long blonde hair??? Wonder if I slowly caressed my legs before I glided my hands towards my garden??? Wonder if I arched my back to bring myself more pleasure???

Find the dancing rabbit behind the glass house…. There you will see a peek of my pleasure any time, anywhere…. Touch me softly in a rhythm that we both can enjoy… Hold onto my thoughts as I take a deep dive….

Getting aroused yet??? I should hope you are…. I’m tempted to stop here to experience my own thrill… But when I return I will finish you off…. Sticky fingers are a pleasure…. Rock hardness is a must!!!!!!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow ~

Tomorrow you will ask me the same question as today, as the day before this and the day before that. You seem to state a belittling means to undermine my answer of tomorrow’s gain. Yet you are bound to find no clarity in my words so the question will remain asked again in a tomorrow tone.

~ PkS 2003 ©

Why

Why~

Who am I to question why…
The world may seem so bizarre
Who am I to question why…
The sky turns so poetic at night
Who am I to question why…
Life is nothing more than it seems
Who am I to question why…
The sun will rise to wake me one more time

Thousands of questions ponder my mind
Scattered remnants frantic to find
A single answer to my search of understanding
Why oh why does it take so much time

Five more times I am question my reasoning of why
Four more tells of trying to hide the answers that are bound to find a meaning inside
Two hinder your beliefs and runs full swing
Three mornings of drizzling ring out to sing

But who am I to wonder why…
The world is what it is, at least tonight
Spoke in tongue, Fiery in words
Why oh why not just explain the world in my eyes

Who am I to question why…
The sky is forbidden to touch at any site
Who am I to question why…
The ground is solid, hard yet so easy to glide
Who am I to question why…
The gentle breeze that swept me off my feet is just a beckon calm of inter peace

Why to question is why to speak
Forgotten questions, forgotten peaks
Twisted circles, frail cracks in the equations
Whispered answers to my pondering behavior

Why oh why does it take so much time
Why oh why do I have to ask why
Who am I to question why
Why oh why brotherly why


~ PkS 2003 ©

Hidden

Hidden ~

Hidden in the dark corners of my mind
Shadows lurk around trying to fine
That single place to land and develop
A feast frenzy of darkness not attracted to light

Take me to shallow ground
Place me in a the earth as I lay bound
Let the dirt be thrown over my casket of pine
Let the maggots feast and dine

Let me spoil and rot
Skin falls off
Hair elapse
Nothing more left than a pine box

Hidden in the dark corners of my mind
Shadows lurk around trying to fine
A single entrance to sanity
Jolted to life from a depth of tragedy

Tainted memories of a woman once know
Broken legacy of a time withdrawn
Lynched and burned for inter peace
Destruction surrounded tranquility

Spoiled remains
Piercing reframe
Pathetic freedom
Nothing more to remain


~ PkS 2003©

Bird

Woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head....

I'm not a morning person, get the picture

Today Beyond

Today beyond others you share one gift that others do not understand. You can take the breath that was given to you at birth, you can breath in and yet you have the choose to destroy yourself with one small action you do not treasure

~PkS
2002©

Matter of Time

Matter of time:

It’s been the longest time since you were around
You’re always still on my mind
You have not escaped me, no, not in deed
You are still the kind loving person that I will always need

You knew me from my shell
You watched me grow
You watched me share all my feelings and thoughts
Even my wonders and ponders of the universe
You sat back and listened
You listened so well
You were always there, maybe not in body, but defiantly in soul

I have not forgotten your sweet, lavish touch
I always remembered how kind it was
Your silky palm touching my golden blonde hair
Your fingers so soft, always gently brushing the rim of my face
With all the care in the world, you did it with such grace

You always knew the perfect thing to say
You never liked that old stupid word game
You said it with meaning
You let everyone know
You never lead me down the slippery non-understanding road
The simplest words, the fact that you meant them, was the most I loved
The freedom of your discussion is what I admired most
And the fact that you always thought of me first

I miss you as you can see
What happened to our strange wonderful thing
Where did the time pass
I wonder if you still see me as you walk down the street
I wonder if you can still smell the sweetness of my breath
I wonder if you still think of me as each day has flown
I ponder if you still want to feel me, caress me, or even so lightly just kiss me

I can only say that this is what I want
It’s just a wish, a dream, a little selfish fetish
But the only thing I know for certain
Is if it’s possible, even so slightly
It’s just a matter…
… A matter of time

~PkS
2002 ©

Flinch

~Flinch~

What, it’s been over a decade since we meet.... It still feels like it was yesterday..... we only knew what was going on between each other.... we only bruised each other but the pain still is floating around in each of us.... you made me run and hide.... you made me retreat to a hidden place in my head.... you bite, you slapped, you fought with your fists, you kicked, you always made sure that the marks were not seen except by you.... proud of your art work, you took so much pride in it..... Bragging to your buddies on what a great man you were.... how long can a girl be tortured by you..... How long can a girl be haunted by you..... How long does it take before all the pain goes away.....you thought by just dropping in every once in a while that all would be forgiven..... You thought that going away as I asked would only make me want you again.... but you were sadly mistaken..... you didn't see it coming...... you didn't see that I learned to shut myself off to you.....even when you still held me down, you could not get close enough to make a difference.....you thought that if you stopped my heart may return, but you were sadly mistaken once again.... you threaten and stalked, you even decided to make good on a promise..... but after all that you did, broke as I am, you still can not get what you want out of me.....the acceptance that you desire, the love that you require, the trust and emotions that you think you need..... you took what should have been memories and turned them all into hate, devastation, boredom, and confusion......I always wanted for you want you wanted for yourself.... but we both knew from the start that neither one of us should be in the place we ended up..... Now the final chapter is closed, but yet the pain still lingers around..... Afraid of stepping out, without looking behind me, not trusting anyone because of what actions my lay ahead..... yes, thank you for breaking me down, for all your wonderful work you have done.... you have left me broken, but you still lost the battle, you still lost the war, you never gained what you always wanted, you never could get into my heart.... and yes thank you for your marks you left, I added a few of my own, but they are there just for me to remember what path not to follow again.....And even though we I sat for months and vacillated, I just took it all in, let you continue and still you are the one you has lost everything.....

~PkS

2002 ©

Each Path

Each path I lay before myself, the decision is mine and mine alone. Determination and Will walk along with me as I make those decisions. If I should dismiss one or the other, then I have lost my way. But neither has dismissed me nor has forgotten to remind me that each decision I may make will later be a reflection, such as a mirror, into my soul.

~PkS

2002©

Your Life is Closed Off

Your life is closed off, your touch is unreal, you feel nothing, you accept the impossible as truth, you care for nothing living, and you feed off of destruction and pain. You are my nightmare. Wake before the whispers of ones lost soul take the advantage of seeing you not in your true form, but as a master of savors…

~PkS

2002 ©

Touch Me

Touch me as you once did. Take me now and show me pleasure mixed with the anger that you so gratified me with. Move the direction of your this rugged touch closer to me for a better look at the face of destruction in my mind. This will be your last touch, the last breath, and your last hour before I divide your simplest views and shut you out of my life…

~PkS

2002 ©

Follow me to the Underworld

Follow me to the underworld; for I see what deep forgotten hearts you have tramped on. You will be taken not for your bold persistence, but for your knowledge of spearing hearts of young lives within ones soul…

~PkS

2002 ©