The Convenient Woman

The Convenient Woman

It’s always convenient for you when she’s around
She always there to entertain you while the clock ticks down
Just a convenience, to pass your time way
She’s your convenient woman who waits around while you have your fun and play

It’s a convenience for you and you alone
No pressure, no questions allowed, just a request of her full attention when you have a few extra hours to bounce around
Allowing her to hold onto a dream, filling her head with thoughts of what might be
Knowing full well she’s not in your long term plans, your attentive attention is based only on what mood you’re in
She’s just a convenience while the world passes each day
She’s your convenient woman, who always waits around, waits for you and prays

Though you know nothing will ever come about
You have your intention preset and no limit is bound
Though your intentions do not include, this woman who scarifies to spend time with you
She’s your convenience, your way to pass the day
She’s your convenient woman, who grows old of your childish ways

You are a master at precisely knowing what words to use
Enticing, inviting, constantly trying to draw her closer to you
Lavishly depicting how you want to be caressed
In this world you’ve created, this world you so desperately want her to believe in
You want a convenient woman to keep you company while you play
You need this convenient woman to fill a void you're afraid to display

You want her to stay constantly wrapped up in your precious little mental games
Always attentive in every motion, every word, every whisper you say
For your games and this fabricated world are the only place you can get this girl
She’s your convenient woman, just there to ease your mind
She’s your convenient woman, wasting her time

PkS © 2006

Je Vous Adore Mon Amour

Je Vous Adore Mon Amour

You and I stand here all alone
Hand in hand watching the world revolve on its own
Looking deeply into each other eyes
All we can see is both our souls collided

Waits to say the words I know you long to hear
As I speak ever so softly in your ear
Wondering how long it will take
Before you devour my sacred place

Waits for your sweet lips to intrude
My world that welcomes you
Wondering how long it will take
Before you engage in my warm embrace

Finally I whisper what you’ve long to hear
Anticipated words caress your ear
I speak them with a gentle breeze
And remind you of how you’ve rapture me

For you are the one I adore, mon amour
For I can not ask for any thing more
For you are the one who makes my heart beat
For you are the one who completely completes me

PkS © 2006

A little side note ~~ Je Vous Adore Mon Amour’s translation is "I adore you, my love", which was written especially for someone special for thier birthday. Before any emotions were expressed, before any feelings were acknowledged, the words “I adore you” were always spoken ever so softly in each others ear.

Zotty's Potty Mouth Rendition of Life

Update~~

Ok all, as promised I have added my little “Zotty's Potty Mouth Rendition of Life” section. Take a look to the right and you will see the link. Now, like most of you know, I write a lot, more so that I would ever admit to and I have as of right now, 37 blogs. All for different things, but that’s just how I keep things separated. So, Insead of opening them all up or boring all of you to death, I have moved around some of the blogs, moved some of the names around and have decided to start a new one since it’s a new year!

Let me say now that anything read is unedited and just purly off the cuff so what ever I’m feeling at that particular moment is what I writen, so if you decide to read it, it’s your own fault. It’s not called “Zotty’s Potty Mouth Rendition of Life” for nothing.

If you see an “edit” marking, it simply means that I have transferred the items to another blogger and NOPE you can’t see it, so don’t even ask!

So…. With that said, have fun, no more asking or begging please, but since some of you are interested in little old me, have fun reading but I can’t say again, I TOLD YOU SO, when my mouth gets away from me!

Peace, Love and Zen ~~Zotty Out~~

Walks on the Edge

~Walks on the Edge ~

It’s not everyday that someone can look up and say “what in the hell am I doing”. It’s not every person’s life goal to acknowledge that maybe their choices in life, actions or choice to not take action leads them to a point in their lives where they stop, look around and say “hey, I’m about to topple over this edge if I get any closer”.

Funny how life just seems to pass daily, we each see the sun rise and fall, thinking that tomorrow may be a better day, sometimes thinking that all those little infractions in life will either just not be there tomorrow or maybe will be resolved over night without having to deal with them.

People walk on the edge daily without even noticing, walking towards a goal as they see it but later realize that the goal they thought they were so intent in making was completely over shot and fumbled. No score!!

Is it better to acknowledge the mistakes or better to just let them stay put away and just walk away from them? Is it better to “show face” and say “what in the hell am I doing, what was I thinking” and apologize to those who you may have hurt? Or is it easier to just keep walking the line, drawn in the sand, drawn by some unknown force that drives you until you get to a point where you can’t find yourself any longer?

Its all relative even if you don’t understand, especially when you don’t understand, It’s easier to just believe, you miss the point, you miss the door, you miss the belief, then fingers get pointed, the all of a sudden you see the edge that you’ve been walking on, without fully understanding how you got that far. Was it something so deep to believe in? Was it right for the day but the wrong decision that will affect you though out life? Does it really even matter any longer and walking on the edge brings relief to some degree since you know at any time it doesn’t matter if you leap. If you do choice to leap, does that necessarily mean you leaped on the wrong side of that edge? Is there actually a right or wrong side?

Walks farther on the edge, questioning every possible move, step by step, no notion of right or wrong, just knowing that walking easies the mind in asking so many questions of right or wrong.

Sometimes walking on that edge leads you to a frame of mind, where you can’t think straight, act insane or even be able to communicate. Hence, the phrase “Has she completely lost her mind” comes into play when thinking this. Could be? Could be not? Maybe it’s just the thoughts that aren’t able to be released or maybe it’s just not where they are all coherently functional and before you know it, and before you can even say anything, you are on that edge, trying so hard to at least get one thing stated but POOF there’s the edge again saying “nope, too close, don’t move or you’ll fall”.

Hell, I’m starting to think that if I bring my bed along, I can live on the edge of that line, since I’ve been hanging around it for so long. (Ponders… maybe a better night of sleep maybe??)

Funny thing too that I realized about walking on the edge, is how there are too many politics in just having a conversation about emotions or things you are feeling because everyone’s is ready to put you down rather than trying to understand how you feel. Everyone’s got a statement to make, but no one got time anymore to listen. Or better yet, the people you felt the safest with, the ones you thought you could talk to, seems to always be the ones who are first in line to stab you right in the back. But how true it is how things always come full circle in life. Things seem bleak, dark and “edgy” (no punt intended) but then something comes along, some times new, sometimes old but no matter what it is, it always seems to be there when you need it the most. Funny how that karma crap really happens!

So going back to what I was originally saying… Walks on the edge, do you sway one direction and face up to what you know you did wrong in the past and at least try to acknowledge it and say what you need to those you may have hurt? Or do you just sway to the other said, wobbling around, and think “eh tomorrow will come, bring something new so forget about the past”… And if that’s the case, when do empathy and acceptance, and admitting your mistakes and acknowledging them come into focus? Or does it ever?

Eh… For me, I have to much sappy crap fluttering around in my jarred head as I walk that edge thinking of right vs. wrong, yesterday, tomorrow, yes or no, left or right. Though I do see things from a much darker side than most, not willing at times, I do try to always lay faith in how people are redeemable in their actions or thoughts and how the past can be corrected to a certain degree even if it’s just from a simple talk.

Yea, I admit I walk that line, have for a while now, tottering back and forth, left to right wondering should I fall or should I just hold still and just wait. Frozen like a deer in headlights. I’m not an easy person (And yes you can insert “yes we know this” here). I think over matters to a point where they scare me off and guess what, I close that door and lock it before anyone ever knew I had one. SLAM right in the face. I know I’m far from perfect, and hell, I make mistakes ever day, but then it comes down to empathy and rectifying at least some of those mistakes that maybe you just regret more than anyone knows.

Yep, walks on that edge, thinks long and hard, not only for the visible but for those little hints that were there all the time that I’m so famous for not noticing. And thinking more and more about it, I don’t think I’m the only one who’s walking on that edge either. I think there are a lot of people thinking the same thing here because I know I’m not the only one with empathy towards situations and can accept that some things have been overblown or taken out of context or maybe just not communicated correctly. Hell, NONE of us are any better than the next person and everyone makes mistakes daily. OMG how maybe edges are we all walking on???

Yea so in closing, I get to walk on my edge a little more here. Things recently in my personal life have come up, dramatic changes have occurred and venting is needed. But as most of you know, I vent, yell, scream, blow smoke and then just take a breath; inhaul and just try to tell myself take it minute by minute and just relax. INHAUL… EXHAUL… yep, that works, then I'm totally over it, had my venting tantrum and then I just move on. All better, EXCEPT for that damn edge….

Ever feel like your walking round and round on that thing?


K, time for some sleep and with that I say something that I use to sign off…


PEACE, LOVE AND ZEN BABY ~~ Zotty OUT!

Ohhh…. Almost forgot so if you read this far down then you must also know I have been writing in a personal blog about my daily info and updates, deeper spur of the moment emotions, quick views and disapprovals of thinks. A few people have asked me if I would make public for them. So at the request I will have that public shortly. (HeHe I had to take out all the hate letters I’ve written to some of you) JUST JOKING!!

Find Myself

Find Myself ~

I find myself drifting in an abandon sea
Adventurous by nature, paralyzed by defeat
Swaying with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in waves that are carried off with the breeze

Thrown against the rocks, jaggered edges of the bloody battle grounds
Waves torturing, demolishing every remaining ounce
Fearless, I carry on, holding onto a strength that is bound
Drifting in and out of conciseness, trembling, tired, I pray to be found

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

Bruised and beaten from this tremendous terrain
I find myself constantly looking for one single gleam
I scurry around to find the source of light
Not knowing if it will ever appear in my fight

Countless hours seem to pass, rain pounding down like shattered glass
Dragged back and forth from the ocean breath, waiting patiently for my one chance
Washed ashore endless times, scared and bruised, mesmerized by the oceans commands
Dragged back out into an abandoned sea, pounding swales trying to rip apart me

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

Only fractures of myself remain, lost in a transition between the ocean and my personal strength
No longer afraid of what of the terrain lies ahead of me, knowing that my faith will always protect me
Mind over matter is all that remains, relentlessly fighting not wanting to give in
Waits for the waves to over take me, I take a breath and sink gentle in

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

I find myself lowered to the depths of this abandon sea
Once adventurous by nature, now paralyzed by it’s defeat
Swaying so very gently with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in currents that run strong beneath the waves, I finally feel safe, I finally feel released


Waits for my last breath to dissipate …


PkS © 2005

Writers note:

Find myself was a very personal piece I actually have worked on and rewritten several times to define my true feelings of what I am experiencing. The nature of this piece is two fold, very complex and with a very deep meaning written within it.

It explains on a daily bases how I feel; trapped and fighting with no floatation device to be able to hold onto, and having to fight something that is much stronger than I am or have given up on the will at times to fight. Though each person has their own idea of how to deal with things, such as cancer, everyone will deal with it in their own way and accept the factors or cards as some people call them, in the best way they can. Defeated is mostly how I feel these days, too tired to continue the fight, but still have the occasional wind that kicks up in me where I will fight like hell.

Secondly, it invites faith and redemption of changes that may or may not have made a difference in my life. Could every action taken, actually have an equal opposite reaction? Was Sir Issac Newton correct in his third law of physics? Could the actions I have taken to withdraw, remove or banish the people I care the most and love in life, be a reaction? Was it easier on myself or them? Was it right? Or was it selfishness trying to protect anyone else from getting hurt along the way.

Though for some it’s easier to read and just see words. For others, they see the meaning and understand what is being said. It’s not easy to write actual feelings down from the depths of your soul and so raw in how you feel, however, since most of you have no clue how it feels, I thought I’d at least give you a taste of what a day feels like to me.

Someone very close to me once said “only if you could walk in my shoes and see things from my perspective”, I always respected that statement, and have tired on several occasions however, I always knew that they never understood my perspective. It’s much easier to look in the mirrored glass, but when it comes time to fully understand, every person who does commit to stand in someone else’s shoes, will choose a different path to see things. That is what makes it so beautiful, is that we all don’t see eye to eye but can at least respect how others feel or see the world.

I wonder sometimes if it’s possible to just put on one of those shoes, let the other person put on the other and you walk together to find the medium; possibility to help each other see, how it feels from each others eyes.

This is for all of you who can not stand in my shoes. But wondered on many occasions how it would be for a day.

"If you're not the One"

If you're not the one~

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings, but I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through…And I hope you are the one I share my life with

Don't want to run away but I can't take it…
I don't understand; If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through; and I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don’t want to run away but I can't take it
I don't understand… If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Cause, I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause, I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it
I don't understand… If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms…

2003(c) Daniel Bedingfield

December 17, 2005 - Little bit of something to remember

Editors Note:
Something special that hits the heart, words written, possibly in the dark. Sometimes words have a way to lend a sight that is blinded by shadows deep within side. A little bit of something to remember was sent to remind me, what is true to ones self and cherish the memories.

Sometimes remembering what is lost, sometimes remembering what holds people in the dark, sometimes remembering how people act, sometimes remembering why things have gone bad. Know that no matter how dark things may seem, there is always a light that is to be found, with the right search beam. Look deep within ones self and know who you are, grant yourself the power to over come the obstacles. And if you want something bad enough, something so pure and true, then fight for what is right and have your wish granted tonight.

This piece is not something I wrote but was sent to me by someone very special. It is something that is deeply special to me on several levels, but for now, it shall be marked, as one of my “treasured” and placed in that jar, I keep close to my heart. No matter what lye’s ahead, no matter how dark each road is, no matter how distance or shallow, no matter the outcome, the treasured jar will never be touched, it’s what holds me bound to those things I love.

Saying Goodbye...

Saying Goodbye…

As a flower blooms, we are blessed enough to enjoy the beauty and solitude of each peddle it shares with us. As all living beings, here on Mother Earth, each must take its first breath and also take its last. The endless cycle continues bring joy and sorrow, mixed within ourselves. Deeper within that mixture, the acceptance of knowing your fate, your own demise, your time to relinquish your own shell, is forthcoming in such a spiritually way, that only few will ever understand.

To my beloved friends, who I have known over the years, I say these simple thoughts to guide you when you are no longer able to see the light… Remember who you are, no matter what tragedy faces you, pull your strength from within and stand strong on your beliefs. Don’t allow yourself to build walls, for in the long run, all these walls can do is damage who you are. Do not allow yourself to take personal attacks from others who can not see themselves for who they truly are. Find comfort in each others compassions, believes and memories for this is what keeps a person alive.

To my closest friends, I say thank you for sharing your thoughts, your beliefs and your strengths with me. Collectively they brought me great joy and the ability to see that no matter if people agree or disagree, we ultimately have one goal in life, and that is to make a change for the better, for future generations. You all truly have been like brothers and sisters to me and my heart is with you all, always.

For today, I am that flower whose time has come, grown and now must pass. In great sorrow comes a beauty of remembrance and solitude knowing that a persons memories will live on with others. I do not sit here today, saying good bye to you all, but saying a greetings of hello, for our paths will meet again one day.

PkS 2005 ©

Writers note: This was originally posted a few weeks ago on this blogger without a writers note attached. I pulled it off the site due to personal conflicts from the readers. Since I have always been an advocate about the ability to express both the beautiful and dark sides of life, I feel the need to repost this with a writers note attached.

Please read this carefully for what you read from word to word is not the over all appearance of this piece. And for those who have read my material over the years, know I write things with hidden meanings attached. This is in no way my eulogy, however, now that a few of you brought that to my attention, I could see these words being said once I kick the bucket. I will not explain this piece to you, I will let you read it for what it is, and let you come to your on conclusion, but let me just say, some times in life, you have to say good bye to people, things and feelings in your life before moving forward or accepting a direction that life takes you.

Abyss

~Abyss

Here alone in my abyss, looking aimlessly for some sort of guide to exist; an exit to survive, a place to hide. Emotions running high, being pulled and pushed from deep within; shame takes over me, how things turned out with no redemption in site for these tired blue eyes. I could have shared so much more, I could have opened the door, rather than just a few small hints; hints are all I was able to say, through the tears and pain that I put away.

In search for that second, third or fourth chance to making things right, make things right in both sets of eyes, but never finding the path that redeems me from the selfishness inside. Quiet moments throughout the day, thoughts of memories that appear from the depths of the mind, shadowing, imitating reality, and when the moments pasts, I place them back in a jar marked “treasured”, knowing they will be safely put back on the shelf of my worried mind.

Solitude is where my mind finds its safe haven. It protects itself from all that is around, closed off to a world that revolves. Emotions are all that I have left to hold on to; it’s all that is left in this dying body. It’s all that is allowed in my fragile mind, it’s all I can share with myself. So many times, I regret closing them off, but knowing that if I allowed anyone else in, it would only lead them into the abyss I find myself lost in. How easy it would be for me to just open up, run free of the ability to express my inter self, to finally let go of all the anger, the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the shame I place on myself. But in allowing that side of me to open up, it would take more courage than I have in myself. It would take an army to pry it out, but time is not on my side. Time would not be so kind.

To protect the ones I love, I had to learn a hard lesson years ago, that even today has taunted and remained, learning to just let go and say the harsh word of no. To some it might seem that I don’t care or have feelings. Maybe not expressed as they wish or maybe have given them that extra kiss, but my feelings are deep; deeper than most anyone can believe and in an unconditional way, I try to protect them by just walking away. The abyss carries me off, to a shelter, to a place of somber; I need for myself to learn to live again.

The abyss is nothing to be afraid of; it’s merely a place that saves me from the thoughts that could and have on several times taken over me. It’s dark, hidden and deep within; it never lets reality seep in. It saves me day after day, though I have started to wish it would go away. If I sit and let the feelings intrude, I just run back to my dark, hiding room. ‘Why’ is what you ask yourself repeatedly; why continue finding shelter in an abyss of selfishness? Why allow all the feelings to be repressed, why allow all the emotions to be placed to rest, why hold back everything you consider dear to your heart, why faultier others for those demons who talk to you at night, why banish those closes, out of your life? Why give up on the hope of life. These questions are reasonable, fair and true, yet questions can be asked repeatedly when you’re not allowed in. To some it’s easier to accept, others question the actions of the one who is not willing to express, however as hard the journey seems to be, time does not allow me to set myself free.

The abyss is almost like my child, taken care of with great pride. Maintained like a growing garden that never needs light, a place where I find comfort, acceptance, non-judgmental cares of what matters most to me. Selfish in nature, I run and hide, deep within a place that takes over me, swallows me, contains me, frozen in time. Repeated memories flash continually in my face, like a puzzle of understanding of why I shatter all in my way. Once able to express all my feelings at hand, now I wrap them up tightly in a jar marked “treasured”. Though I fight for a release, I find an inter-peace sitting in my abyss, glossy eyed, blank waiting the ability one day to be able to finally set myself free. Though it keeps me calm, wayward in thought and helps me identify tranquility; my emotions run back and forth as these thoughts go, acceptance or dismissal of my abyss, but it is my sanctuary, mine alone.

Though it seems dark and bleak, there is a key to release me. It is out in the world that revolves, held by a man who knows me well. Though he may not understand, he knows he holds the key in his hand. This key he holds is much more than just steel, he holds the release of my abyss, though it might not come so easily, with the right guidance and care, nurturing and no blank stares; I might find myself released in short intervals. The abyss took years to over take me, darken my spirit and shadow me. It is my abyss, no others allowed. No welcome sign at the door. Though this man has the grace and intelligence, he could, in time, be my redemption I cry out for. For he is the one, these tired blue eyes have shun away, closed off from yesterday, hints to him were all I could say, tears and fears are what made me run away.

For here I sit in my abyss, darkness and solitude comfort me, pulling out my jar marked “treasured”, painting a smile on this bleak face thinking of memories of what was, what could have been and what future is possible if any with a growing abyss.

PkS 2005 ©

I Followed an Angel

~ I followed an Angel

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to heaven
To the pearly white gates

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to a riverbed gone dry
To watch it bring back missing life

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to the depths of the deepest ocean
To shelter it self from falling grace

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to a playground
To see it’s wings expand and shower it with a brilliant elegance

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to a grave
To see it shed a tear in remorse in utter disgraced

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to heaven
To the pearly white gates

Heaven can not wait forever
Heaven won’t wait forever for me
I can only imagine the angel wings devoured
By empathy, solitude and shame

By following the angel
By following it to a place
By following it to the ends of the earth and back to the pearly white gates
I learned that life is full of remorse, shame and heartache

By following the angel
By following it to a place
By following it across the heavens
I learned each angels forgiveness is a personal redemption in faith

PkS © 2005

Ok just a quick update...

Ok just a quick update.....

Yes, yes I know I promised Stop Waking Me Up earlier this summer and that I haven't forgotten it but I do have several other things over the next few weeks that will be up and on this tired old blogger!

Heres a short list of just a few things that will be out soon (something for you wacko's to read)

~Mountain Ghost - Included a very personal picture close to my heart
~To Miz Jealousy
~Universe
~ I followed an Angel
~ Find Myself
~Abyss
~Yesterdays Tomorrow
~To Say I - Title change will most likey happen

As this particular time, I am currently working on over 125 poems, short stories, thoughts or my lovely novel that seems to be getting a wee bit too long (I HATE EDITS)... And have been really thinking of taking some mental time off from writing so much. As many of you know, I do keep a personal blog journal, and do spend a great time in that writing my daily mental breakdowns!! (aren't you all so lucky you AREN'T READING THAT!!) So my little fingers may take another break unless some power comes over me to continue.

I do want to give a huge thank you to a very close personal friend ~ Mark~ who has been my somewhat editor with a few things... Thanks again Mark for everything and thanks for calming me down when I get on my "bashing kicks"!!

Oh.. one last thing... Just a reminder... I do write from the heart, some things taken from the past, some from the future and some mixed in between. I prefer to write what most people are afraid to say, to express or to feel. I am not afraid of the dark, but more afraid of what happens when the lights are on. I hold nothing against anyone, except myself, and for anyone who truely knows me, they will know what the meaning is of each peice I write. And yes, as several of you have asked or may already know, there is always a meaning, something hidden between each line, some deep dark secret that is shadowed by words that are easlier to place on a peice of paper rather than be locked away never to be said. Take what you want from what I write, it is my legacy that I leave with these words; words with meaning, words with passion and words that define who I am behind the painted smiles.

Till a later time .... Zotty out.....

Woman Scorned

Woman Scorned ~

You said that you loved me
You said you would never leave
You said you never would hurt me
But you got your thrill in deceiving me

You never asked very much of me
You never temped me to go
Instead you let me find the door
To shut and never say more

You walked the walk
You talked your talk
You thrashed your means
To undermine me

You think you have won
You think you have gain
A persona of interests
A fracture of pain

You took your time
You continued on with your life
You were able to write the final chapters in your mind
Not carrying about anyone, or anyone else’s life

But one thing is certain, certain for sure
You misplaced your dignity and respect for anything except yourself
You carefully forgot that it takes two to make this type of mess
You forgot about the trust and all of the respect

You carefully deleted parts of your life
Placing the blame on the absences of selfish gains that came to mind
You bruised and shattered this woman scorn
Who finally got tired, fragile and walked out the door

Place the blame on who you will
Time is the only factor left to remain here
Was it you or was it me
Or was it that we just were to blind to see

PkS 2005 ©

Rita Update 3

Update from Hurricane Rita NON-Central…

Well, 24 hours has passed and Rita blew threw with just a few strong winds and some rain but nothing to even get my panties in a wad for. As most of you know, I’m a huge fan of hurricanes and love these beautiful circular wonders. Reminds me of how no matter how far we advance in technology or engineering, we are still helpless and have to give in to Mother Nature’s glory.

Today has mainly been clean up day, most people outside taking down wood off windows, cleaning the yards up and putting their lives back together. For me, I had to wake up too drunk friends who passed out around 9 p.m. after drinking a bottle and ½ of tequila. I guess since we didn’t get the full wrath of RITA they made their own.

As of right now, the city seems pretty dead; hardly any traffic on the roads and it’s been over all quiet. My cell phone still can’t get a signal and most people in Houston and the surrounding areas are out of power. The news is saying that it could be up to two weeks for these people to get their power back.

But as far as me, I’m still just hunkered down; no place to go… that could be cause NOTHING IS OPEN!! And have been playing clean up all day, putting away stuff, and trying to decide what the hell I’m going to do with all this food.

Honestly, not to sound crazy (ok, yea I know I am), but I really was looking forward to at least some more action. Not in any means or way do I wish any harm to anyone or structure, but I was (in a sick demented way) hoping for something more than what I needed up getting. There were only two times when the winds were heavy and the rain came and went, but really was more like someone’s sprinklers on rather than a hurricane.

So as hurricane season comes to its end, we might see one or two more named however, I think this was the last one to hit any coastal lines for the year. And I yet haven’t heard one person mention on the news or any other media about the 22 year factor that seems to happen to the greater Houston region. If I haven’t told you this, here it goes…. Carla 1961, 22 years later, Alicia 1983, then 22 years later Rita 2005. All these were strong cat. 4 or stronger right before hitting land fall.

I find it interesting how in the 1950’s they started naming the storms. Anything before that, they just called them storms and the state it landed.

Who knows, but this is two years of serious action for hurricanes in the gulf region. I wonder what next season will be like. Maybe next season they will actually name A-W & on to the Greek (or is it Geekness). It’s possible!!

Anywhoooo…. So this concludes my hurricane update for the Houston area, I will now go back to my normal broadcasting schedule. For any other updates or questions, please forward them to http://www.idontgivearatsass.com/

Thanks for watching and Zotty out……

Rita Update 2

6:00 p.m. central and Rita is being felt.... right now I am getting 65 mile an hour winds and the rain is in light but OMG you should see my plants, they are completely bending over to the side. Kinda freaky looking!! I have some flowers that look almost demonic now, like they are bending over to get something out of the ground.... Freaky!!

Will update as more happens.. oh and more lawn chairs and trashcans going down the street. People are trying to catch them. WHAT IDIOTS DIDNT THINK TO PUT UP THIER CRAP?

K... Zotty out....

Rita Update

Howdy all from hurricane Rita central…

Just a quick note for all of you who have been sending emails, off liners and phone messages; all is good here as of 4:30 p.m. central. We haven’t seen anything as of yet except for an increase of winds and a few lawn chairs& trash cans drifting in the middle of the street. We have lost cell service and from what the news is saying it might be a few days or so. Who knows!!

I am highly impressed with my mayor Bill White, who has been on top of things and pretty much has just braced Houston and the surrounding areas for the worst case scenario. So, I’m hunkered down, supplied like a MOFO and have the company of my two closest friends, who have already as of noon today started drinking margaritas, with a little extra Rita added.

As of right now, all hell could break loose, the news just announced that now is when we will all be seeing the start of the tornados which could continue for the next 26-35 hours (even when the hurricane passes). So, I have gotten in the sport of it all, we all decided to dress up in our camouflage gear, including those lovely camouflage boots and take our signs we made (saying BRING ON RITA’S AND DON’T FORGET THE SALT) and go stand outside with all my other dumb ass neighbors and just wait for all hell to break loose.

I will have to make a few jokes here (inserts here)… first, I have to laugh at my sexy neighbor guy who lives across from me. He’s been outside all day in nothing more than a pair of shorts and work boots cutting boards out for his windows. Both my girlfriends staying here are all goo-goo eyed over him and have been in and out of the house running over to his house standing in the yard offering anything, services included I’m assuming, to help him out. I did go over there for a few minutes to just tell him to give both of my girlfriends a hard time (which he laughed at).

Second, there is an elderly couple who live next to me; Mr.& Mrs. gun freaks, who, I think have something really up their sleeves, have been also outside yelling at each other and the wife keeps telling him she’s going to bury his ass in the backyard. I’ve always thought these two were like old mafia or something, cause they BE WACKED! And if he turns up missing, I know the old lady did something!! But on a lighter note, he’s a complete jack ass, so hell, maybe I’ll help her out! JUST JOKING!

Third, both girls will be drunk by 8 no doubt about it, they are already sloshed and it’s been funny to watch both of them ON THE MAN PROWL! I mean we have a hurricane in our face, and both of them just want to get laid. I think I’ll be playing clean up more in house than outside if they both start getting sick as a dog, which I know one of them loves to toss her cookies with Tequila.

Fourth, I actually am pretty happy I decided to stay instead of leave. I am sooooo frigggen happy that I did not even get in that huge traffic mess of 3 million people with a average speed of 1-2 miles per hour. There are still several people stranded on the freeways here and I could not even possibly constipate sitting in a car during an event like this.

This will be my 6th hurricane that I’ve been threw. I think that is why everyone wanted to come stay here cause they all know MY ASS, no matter what, WILL BE PREPARED!!

Anywhoooooo, I got to leave for a bit and go check out the neighbors who are making a ton of noise outside, I can hear a radio blaring some KID ROCK!!

Zotty out……

Forbidden Love

~Forbidden love

Discrete arrangement we both may lye
Shadowed by the emotions of an attraction that will not die
Placed is an array of feelings of endless guilt
We hold each other in a sexual bliss

Taunted with whispers lingering through out the day
Hearing sweet words that were expressed in somber play
Tainted with feelings of a love that grows deep
Swept in an organic breath, as it is blown softly

Forbidden love is what we both desire
Here is our playground, hidden with a passionate admire
For we are two lovers trying to feel our way
Not knowing what may become of our yesterday

Stretching endless hours holding on to each others breathe
We share one moment in forever’s bliss
Forbidden taunts as our emotions run high
Touching each of us in a passionate desire

Distance is what holds both of us apart
Lingering feelings of frustration for the day we actually touch
Holding our selves back for that day we have longed for so long
A beautiful release to compliment our forbidden love


PkS © 2005

Whore

~Whore

You fuck, you scream, you cum, you bleed
You pinch, you bruise, you hump, you tease
You slap, you bite, you moan, you grind
You bump, you taunt, you suck, you fight

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Did you think of me when you fuck her hard?
Did you think of me when she was down on all fours?
Did you scream in ecstasy, begging for more?

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Did you get the chance to scream out her name?
Or did you bite your tongue holding back MY name?
Did you close your eyes thinking of me instead?
Did you pumped her hard, full of lead?

You fuck, you scream, you cum, you bleed
You pinch, you bruise, you hump, you tease
You slap, you bite, you moan, you grind
You bump, you taunt, you suck, you fight

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Did you start fucking, as soon as I was out the door?
Did you look at her the same or didn’t that matter anymore?
Did you think of me when feeling up her thighs?
Or did you just keep on going, time after time?

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
You couldn’t even keep your dick in the drawer
You had to run out, you had to get more
You had to find a replacement to ease your pain
You had to find a fuck who wouldn’t even feel the same

You fuck, you scream, you cum, you bleed
You pinch, you bruise, you hump, you tease
You slap, you bite, you moan, you grind
You bump, you taunt, you suck, you fight

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Do you think I’d come back, after you fucked that whore?
Do you think I’d let it stay in the past and not say a word?
Did you think twice before tasting that prize?
Did you ever once think about taking some time?

PkS © 2005

Numa Numa

I would like to introduce you all to one of my addictions... and let me just say, you might all know him well, but both him and I have enjoyed several long nights together sharing corky dance routines and some very funny laughs!! This poor fellow really doesn't get enough justice, so I would like to just say THANK YOU NOW Mr. Numa Man for all you have done for me and the internet world!!!

To you mr. Numa Man.... You are greatly loved and I bet with that eye brow of yours, you get lots of the ladies knocking on your door!!

Through it All

~Through it all~

Through it all, you were there
Wonderment beyond all repairs
Fragile in your arms I lay deep in serene
Knowing my heart will always be protected in your care

Fighting for the right words to say
No matter how hard I might try with unsuccessful gain
I seem never to be able to pose them with elegance or reframe
To define what is in my heart, to define who I am

To find me here, knowing you were there through it all
Through the fights and misery we both endured
To feel the pain then finally understand what was lost
I have accepted my fate with a heart that is sunk

Back and forth we went round and round
Hurting each other for no explainable reasons found
You were and are still my rock of foundation
You will and have always held the key to my heart no matter the circumstance

Through it all, you were there
Wonderment beyond all repairs
It’s hard to imagine now with all the tears shed over the years
But you captivated me in ways I could never express or explain, my heart grew fonder each and everyday

Looking back I think we both can accept our fate in the attraction and the hate
We both know now the difference between love and love lost
Taking careless jabs of tormented pain, we both sunk into each others hearts for no gain
But we both strongly know we were destined to be
An extremely strong attraction that will always be between us

Soul mates that are intertwined
Threw a universe that is multi dimensioned with space and time
Interlocked with our fated feelings to strong to ever let pass
We are here, then and always… Through it all, long before and after…always soul mates

I will always love you
I will always care for you
I will always hold you close to my heart
I will always shed a tear knowing we are apart
I will always let you be the keeper of my heart, no matter what friction or time is between us now

I will always be half the person I can be, now lost in a world, incomplete
My soul trapped in a time waiting for its next journey to take hold
Now love lost, it seems to be shattered, gone, lost waiting to be reborn
Two souls torn apart, lost in a world of chaos, but not forgotten

But through it all, you were there
Wonderment beyond all repairs
Fragile in your arms I lay deep in serene
Knowing my heart will always be protected in your care

PkS © 2005

Crimson

Crimson ~

Shallow breaths as I fall to the ground…
Lingering hands on my chest…
Feels the crimson pouring out of my body…
Light headed as I fall hard…

Blinded by the tears…
Moronic screams drowning out the sounds…
Coughs for purified air…
No breath able to hold in…

Franticly trying to understand what happened moments before
Here in a lost state of mind, wondering how I ended up on the floor
Bleeding dark crimson blood, shattered, broken in disbelief
Am I broken? Or am I the light passed on from a distant time

Raises my arm to shield my soon embrace …
Not able to feel the motion…
Drops of crimson fall gently on my face…
Covers my eyes with soaking palms…

Flashing bulbs of brilliant white light bouncing around under my lids...
I know I am not sleeping but I’m not awake…
Tries for another breath, unsuccessful of this task…
Hears a voice close to me, whispering…

I’m too lost to be saved; I’d rather just allow myself to die
My mind talks to me as if it’s my friend
Telling me all the secrets I found bound
It speaks to me as if I’m already gone

Why did this happen… happen to me
What happened moments before, before I fell to the floor
Frantic, frantic to understand, trying to remember where I belong
Am I sleeping, dreaming, of something that I fear

Tries to kill the pain from my mind…
Only receives more in return…
I am dying with crimson pouring out of me…
So much regret and betrayal, so much fear…

Will I be remembered once I leave?
Lost for so long, would it really matter now with how things turned out?
Will you be on the other side once I find my light?
Or will you forget me like all the rest?

Thoughts of what just happened keep trying to seep in
Franticly putting together a puzzle of snapshots of what was my life
Was it me who wanted to die or a reality that came to flight
Was it my torment that will not allow me to pass over to the other side
Salvation is now what I seek, my soul cries for deliverance to my rest and peace

Trying to hold on…
Still bleeding, frantic with enslavement bound to the floor…
Screams fill my mind as thoughts pass by…
My mind talking to me so I will not be alone…
Lost here in a crimson tide as the world stops to say good bye…

I take my last breath…
Knowing I will now be at rest…
I exhale in relief, passes the breath to it’s next place…
Closes my lids to a brilliant light…
Darkness takes over me…

Franticly trying to understand why I choice to lie down and die?
Was it me; was it my mind, was it my time?
Could I be trapped in a dream that I can not awake from?
Was it he, who finally damaged me so?
Or was I who took my own life? Was it my suicide?


PkS © 2005

My Redemption

My Redemption~

For each day brings a new beginning. A morning of peace, a place of quietness that allows one self to deal with the particular forces that confront them. For today, I find my peace. I find my place in the world where I can be myself, who I have become, who I am, who I will be. A peace in myself of understanding who I am. A peace of the puzzle that has been misfitted for so long, yet knew it belonged. I have found my beginning, I have found my redemption, a place where I can finally see the outside the realm of all the black and white’s. I can finally see the morning light, the sun has started to spread upon my cheeks as I sit still in front of the rays, feeling it warm my face as I openly embrace it.

I slept for a very long time, forgetting the noise outside in the world and lay still without noticing the world as it moved forward without me. I gave up everything important to me, walked away, ran quickly away, and slept it off, sadly, to help myself find a much needed redemption lost in my universe. I walked away from many things that I still hold deep within my heart. I bruised and abused many, on my journey of selfishness, tucking emotions away so I would not feel them. Not allowing myself to feel, shutting down my functions of being human, not caring who I abused on the way, no caring who was left in the path. A tornado in several regards, tossing and turning round and round on a dangerous path that optimally ended in destruction and a careless regard for anything left. Shut down by emotions that were not able to be controlled, taunted by steel that was so easily available at any care or whim. Careful not to express too much, careful to express too much, careful to shut down when it was not good enough, careful to explode when the pressure was overwhelming.

Purging was the willful thing for me. Purging my thoughts on paper, purging my soul on anything that allowed ink or print, purging my body with any form of steel to explore the depths of the anguish I felt, purging my blood to water as I lay still in the depths of my blue serene state of composition. Questioning each move, questioning each action, questioning each motion that was felt, questioning each word spoken, running for the steel that was so grateful to grace my existence when ever need be. Here I lay sleeping, dormant in a shallow lost state, listening to the world rotate round me, leaving me in a wonderless state of mind, waiting, watching, drowning as the water turned swirls of crimson.

For today is my redemption, I’ve awaken. I’ve taken the first breath in life again, reborn to a world who let me sleep, protecting me from what it knew was a tormented state of mind, not able to escape from. Woken from a somber state of reality, placed back in the world with a beating heart, knowing that as I open my eyes, the world will gently edge me back into what I have known, what I have felt for so long, yet been dormant to. Today I find the cycle of the tornado stirring to its end, dying out, peacefully calming down to a restful end. I find the wolf that barks and howls like no other animal deep within me, had calm down to a restful place. I find the world back in balance; I find my mind waking from the dark edges it became so prone to. I find the light refreshing and absorbing to my pale skin. I found my redemption.

Following what my heart said, following what my mind said, following what my body said, following what the motion of the world said, I followed…I followed wrongfully to a place that I regret, but I followed for the sake of keeping my sanity alive. I followed to allow redemption into my life; I followed to allow the abuse and regret to subside. I followed not to forget, but to remember; remember what it was like before, to remember how it will be afterwards and to remember how to not let the crimson purge creep back in to my mind.

Do not falter as I have done. Bestow your fears, wash away your tears. Take not what has been happened to me, as a form of excuse or non compassion for the actions that have taken place. I ran, I fell, I broke down, I hid, I slept, I tossed, I turned, I woke, I regret, I purged, I found relief in steel, I let the crimson take over…I am of all things, human; Human enough to acknowledge that some things in life happen for reasons, unbeknown to us today, yet when the journey approaches, a brilliance will bestowed to show you a path. The path of which you must decide to either take, or walk away from. I am at the fork of the road, awakened to decide, awakened to accept my fate. Today is my redemption, today I decide…

PkS © 2005