Just a quick update

Just a quick update…..

I know I have not been around much lately, but as time has passed, my thoughts and writings are still deep within me. I have several pieces of my soul that I will be posting over the next few weeks that I have put much thought and energy in. Though my absence has been noticed from so many of you, I say from the depths of my soul that I do appreciate all the support, energy and love that you have sent to me, in either yahoo, emails, phone calls with the occasional unspoken words not left.

Time is a tricky thing. The body and mind need time to rest, relax and comprehend both current and past situations. Though it may seem as if the door has been shut, locked down or bolted, it has been my intention to re-coop from the world and try to find my perfect path in life. I can not say I have found that perfect path, but I feel I am at least finding my way slowly.

And yes, for those of you who know I have been writing Stop Waking Me Up and have previewed some of it, yes, yes, yes…. I will have the 1st chapter on this blogger soon. I am still making edits to the story!

Thank you again for all the support and love. The past few years have been dark, but yet a place some people need to attend to understand their meaning in life.

Zotty

In my Darkest Hour

In my darkest hour I see him walking away
In my darkest hour I see what could have been tomorrow, even yesterday
I see a woman who is obsessed with thoughts of being hurt
I see a woman whom has locked herself down for no good, too much regret

In my darkest hour, I hear no angels surround
In my darkest hour, I hear no heart beats except my own, beating alone
I see a woman who is driven by fear and tears
I see a woman whom has allowed the man she loves to disappear

PkS © 2005

To the Man I Love

To the man I love~

I leave you with these simple words to express my deepest feelings, my faintest thoughts and the endless love that I feel for you.

You brighten my day each morning I rise. You place a smile on my face each and every moment of that day, even when I sit and think of all that we had to overcome.

You nurture me into taking my first breath each morning I rise, with an endlessness beauty I can see only with my eyes; that holds my heart in the warmth of your loving arms, even though they are thousands of miles apart.

From the depths of my existence, I take each breath to love you, to hold you, to cherish and honor you, no thoughts of envy, no thoughts of worry, just unconditional love.

I stand with both legs, knowing that you will be there to catch me if I should fall. I hold both arms out, knowing that your love will be what returns to me. I feel the warmth of your body when I stand in fear, knowing you will protect me from what may arise, dark or bright, your love settles me.

To the depths of the ocean, to the scorched rays of the sun, I know your love is sheltering me, from endless fears I try to protect myself from. From the darkness of space, the vast unknown galaxy we both share, I know both our souls and love are there to bond us until it should explode, holding each other until the end.

You always have kind words, even in your darkest hour. You can loose your temper, as we all can do from time to time, but yet time heals both you and me, and yet I’m drawn even more to you, each day, each minute, each second that passes. You have blocked the world that I do not want to see, to shelter me in an ancient love that has been between us for an endless amount of time and will continue to follow past this short life.

To the man I love, I leave you these words that can only show you the tinniest bit of what my heart feels for you.

PkS © 2004

“I won’t go, I won’t sleep, I can’t breath, until you are here resting her with me… I won’t leave, I can’t hide, I can not be, until you are resting here with me…”
Dido © 1999

The Little Girl Inside of...

The little girl inside of ....

I’m dossal in decision; lost in transition from something I’ve put away…feelings for what I want to feel another day. Pushed by society, frantic in abandonment, eager to lead myself out of fear, passionate about not allowing anyone else to touch or feel me. Not able to allow anyone near or close, I hide away any thing of value. Behind that closed door lies a scared frighten girl, who has decided to remain in solitude. Far off in her mind, she’s wrapped herself up with divine, pleasant ventures of what could have been. She plans each day with a trip down memory lane, where she relives what she feels is needed to survive in her precarious state of mind, no matter what the horror it brings. She then decides to take a drive, where she likes to spend her quiet time. After awhile, she finds a path, where she swears up and down has never been touched, and walks towards her hidden river bed. As she sits and cries, over tea with a splash of wine, she never yet understands how she arrived to this place in time. For her, she wallows in fear, always remembering her fears, gently allowing them to take over her each day. She can’t step away, not in her fragile state, not even for a minute for a breath of fresh air. Later in the day, she writes out all her pain, praying that no one will ever read it. Reminders of a childhood of unwanted ness and deceit, secret talks in the halls, father behind bars, death loomed even at birth. Later in life, a repeat of the same, shamed by allowing it to reoccur. She finally found love, deep pure willing love, but banished it out of her heart, scared of getting more hurt, not understanding the depths it actually had bound her. As she wipes the tears, she knows writing it all will never end, never stop until she drowns herself of the fear. She writes for hours, sometimes never comprehending a single word written, just allowing her fingers to do what they must. She writes down her thoughts as if they were something she lost, in a transition of anger and hate. She marks certain pages of what reminds her of the pain, and is too afraid to ever look back at them. As she relives, her pain each day, she reminds herself of the different forks in the road she could have taken. She reminds herself of all the paths that lay beneath her. She reminds herself of all the times, she thought she had found a joy or pleasant memory. Yet for everyone she found, she found destruction and pounced on an opportunity to let it pass and be banished or gone, not allowing any joy to continue. She runs like a child back to the corner of her mind and sits and waits for tomorrow. Her fears never controlled, her anger never allowed to unleash, her hate for herself never able to be beaten. One day will come, and sooner I’m afraid than none, that this little girl will walk deep into her favorite river bed, down past the path, the lost path she seeks daily and allow the sorrow to be drowned instead of living a life of horror that reminds. Some things are easier in life, others have to put up a great fight, and some just can’t see a direction. For this little girl, will banish herself to the underworld, rather than allowing anyone to see her fight from inside. So, back to the transition, back to being dossal, back to life as I know it. Back from my mind, rather, in time, I’ll make sure I close it down. For me, as you can see, I will put my feelings away from what I want to feel another day, not because I don’t care, but because I can’t bare, not having you, not loving you, not being accepted by nor carried for by you not feeling your warmth to melt my cold heart, and not ever every allowing her to leave my mind. So, I’ll remain here, static, still, closed down, left in a stand, placing a painted smile on my face, for all the embrace and feel like nothing has changed.

~ PkS 2005 ©

Understand

~Understand~

You’ve never seen the courage I’ve known
Its colors richness, brightness won’t appear within your narrow view
I’ll never glow, the way that you wanted me to glow
Your present’s dominations the judgments made on me, by you

As these single thoughts grow, you and I see in different eyes
I understand, but I am still too proud to mention it, to you
The shades and shadows of my perception, are tainted now with hurtful words and actions
I realize what I am now to scared to mention to you, for I choice now to fly towards the sky

You say you understand, But you don’t understand
You say you’ll never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie
Sadly, we’ll never meet… eye to eye

You’ve never touched, felt or understood these things that I hold
This skin of deepened emotions lies well beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul, the burning urging feelings that I hold, deep within
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown, to you

You’ll say feeling me in your dreams was ever enough
I’ll say it’s easier than it seems, though torture is all I see in my dreams now
You’ll say you’ll never love me again, no matter how far I fly
You’ll never wake up knowing how or why, I’ve tortured myself with so many desires

You say you understand, yet you’ll never understand
I’ll say you’ll never wake up knowing how or why
You’ll say you’ll need peace of mind, knowing and hearing my torn drenched cries
But I’ll never be able to stop the tears from crying, for you


PkS © 2004

Unsurpassable Light

Unsurpassable Light~

Unsurpassable light floods my pale shadowy face
A sense of surety, purity no less takes over my boundless disgrace
Childish thoughts run wildly, happily in my mind tucked away
Frantic visions of what may be tomorrow, the yesterday of today

Stuck in a world of misery and hate
Stuck in a mindless, obscure state
Drenched in agony, filtering each process as it lays still
Birched reality comes open handed with a simple touch or feel

Unsurpassable light floods my darkened hallow face
A sense of fear draws out my tears that causes havoc in this place
Bound by a rhythm of indescribable fear
I run frantic, staring at flooded lights for that one thing to appear

Stuck in a world of misery and hate
Stuck in a mindless, obscure state
Drenched in agony, holding my last breath
Birched reality comes open handed in the valley of death

Unsurpassable light floods my skull formed face
A sense of wonderment, wisdom forgotten with slowing pace
Clipped emotions with a refuge of energy splurged
Frantic feelings of a motion running down a spiraling curve

Stuck in a world of misery and hate
Stuck in a mindless, obscure state
Drenched in agony, pouring crimson regrets and betrayal
Birched reality comes opened handed in madding state of hell

PkS © 2004

Abandoned Hell Hole

Abandoned Hell Hole

Damn me back now to where I come from
Take my mortal sins and wash them clean from my hands
Refrain me from torturing my own unpleasant soul
Send me back to my abandoned hell hole

Tell me again the tales of weathered scorched skies
Fire breathing dragons that fly high and mighty in the sheered sky
Relentless fortunes that grace the birched landscape
A flowing abundance of forgotten souls trying to escape

Drag me back to my birth land
Drive me into my redemption of acceptance of who I am
Keep me awake to stand my trial
Keep me alive to remind those who may follow

Damn me back to where I come from
Take my mortal sins and wash them clean from my hands
Refrain me from torturing my own unpleasant soul
Send me back to my abandoned hell hole

Remind me again of the dismemberment and disease
Pessimistic wizards casting bounded spells of endless grieve
Forceful abandonment of this mind not at ease
Wakened demons to guide me back to my den of endless sleep

Drag me back to my birth place
Drive me back to who I am
Keep me company as I stand and face my trial
Keep me alive to remind all others of what may follow

Damn me back to where I come from
Take my mortal sins and wash them clean from my hands
Refrain me from torturing my own unpleasant soul
Send me back to my abandoned hell hole

PkS ~ 2004 ©

Empire

Welcome to Empire

Empire is website where the topics are as diverse as the people who place them.

We have several different forums such as Science, Odyssey, Politics, Stargate, How To's, Web Design, Computers, and Earth issues, along with a verity of others.

Membership is free.

Please join or visit us at:

Empire

You can check out more of my postings on Empire!

Hope to see you there!

Only Time

~Only time~

Only time is what bounded us
Only time is what called to us
Only time mended our love for each other
Only time understood our needs to become a couple
Only time was our saving grace
Only time was our foolish embrace
Only time will lead us to our first kiss
Only time will let our depths endure
Only time will free our every whims
Only time will let us start the endless cycle again
Only time will give us a day without rain
Only time will carry on after we weather away
Only time will bring us both together
Only time is what makes us forever

Only my love for you, I can say these words are true, for you still hold the key to my scorched darken heart, but our love will never be torn apart.


PkS © 2004


Writers note: This is written while listening to Enya’s: A Day without Rain. This song is especially special to me, both for the lyrics and the meaning behind it I share with the man I love. Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of how easy it is for us (as in people) to get caught up in life and forget to just say thank you for the simplest things. So, in writing this out, I just want to say thank you for knowing that even when the darkness takes flight, I always know where my wings will find their light.

Past Today Future

~Past Today Future~

Take me as I am, broken, barrowed, battered and bleeding. Take me from this desolated place, where I run from sorrow and fractured memories. Take me under your graceful arm; guide me back to where I need not run from. Shelter me from the sins I have condemned, protect me from the flatulent trace of a past that desecrated my existence. Weathering eyes look saddened with tears, from a playful mind of yesteryear. Take me as I am, broken, barrowed, battered and bleeding. Take me now, for I shall hold on, for the grace of your touch to render my heart.

PkS 2004 ©

What's Left

~What’s left~

Sadness wakes inside my bones
Glancing towards my endless moans
I sit and pray that the end will be swift
I sit and beg for what little remains are left
To be wash away without a fight, no more
I past each moment with anger and pain
For this black virus who eats me to just end it’s game
I wait for answers
I hear no remorse
I just sit and wait for darkness to unfold within me
I take pride in what I had
I take more envy in what I could have become
I am barrowing what time is left
Months, weeks, days or even a small click of a watch
Time is of the essence but not for me to judge
Time is barrow, sinned and now just ending
For no more love to be touched by my simple hands
I’ve washed away what was left of me
Let the rest of me blow with the summer breeze
Flying high with the clouds, gleaming over the world below


PkS © 2004

Bounded to a Time and Place

~Bounded to a time and place~

Bounded to a time and place, a never never endless face, a place in time that is surrounded by a wondering mind of a never ending confusion rhyme. To others they see a mouthy being, one who is sharp and sassy with no care or feelings. To those who know and know so well, there is a greater purpose to those spun words of fearless appears. To catch the attention of one so bold, to open their mind to another world, one that is outside of this box that keeps the rhythm of key strokes and word counts so one can continue to peek.
Bounded by a time and place, I sit here pondering who is next to face. To see the world as it once spun by, to watch the faces climb in and out of my eyes. To wonder how the world has moved on, in seconds and milliseconds to a beat that is gone. From my eyes I notice the leaves turned and fallen, a world that has stopped in motion yet is beating outward.
Traveling threw a wire to communicate, traveling to millions who don’t even know your existence or faith. Watching them slowing move past, wondering if they too can feel the motion stop. Fighting to push the time to continue, not broadening your boundaries but yet waiting for some sign that will show me when it is time.
Starry eyed and mind flickering at light speed, I wonder when I can finally release. Release my tension of not moving forward, release my momentum for it is stale and swollen. Release my mind from these thoughts of endlessness, release my position of close-mindedness. Sitting in this chair of release, moving forward in words that help me come to ease. Finding a way to express each of my moods.
Sitting here, watching out the window, I see the world at a stop, no movement, no gleam. It has stopped, no motion, no time, this is my endless blind eye. Bounded in this state of usuries and unknowns, watching the trees loose their leaves and drop slowly to the ground. Dead upon arrival, hitting the ground with easy, I sit and ponder if the leaves are me. Watching them blow with the wind, move slightly an inch but to them, no movement at all.
I watched them dance to their final grave, they looked so innocent, braking off with easy. Gracefully floating to the ground in the wind, they finally look like deaths beckoned end. Time seems to be the only thing that will heal these lost souls of the land, time will take them, bury and move forward with its master plan. The season will change, the tree with grow, branching out a new growth of life and the cycle is reborn.
So, once again I bound to a place and time, endless thoughts run threw my mind. Dancing dreams of when the clock will wine, patiently waiting for the motions to glide.

~ PkS © 2004

Decline

~Decline~

Here is where I show my decent, my decline into a deep psychotic state of mind. Allowing each and every thought to cross where I have been and allowing my transcend state to cross into many several stages of the uncertainty, the unknown, the fruitful playful need that each mind will allow itself to go. Here is decline into a deep enriched place, hidden from within, taught with hidden traces of anger, shallow memories of places taken in, endangering episodes of rarity that transcend into complexity.

Depth of ones soul is scattered with great fear, of uncertainty how it will all end. Ending of what is still unknown but just the unsure, faces not familiar, sounds that have not been experienced, motions with no result, fractions of reality lost in a world structured in my head.

Complexity of building blocks, neurons franticly searching for an understanding of what is to be the future, building confusion, building anxiety, building a web of disinformation that is never to be used. Building the mind into a darken complex state where only I can began to unravel.

I sit and listen to simple sounds of today, wondering if those sounds will lead me to peace of mind or if they will continue to haunt me, desperately trying to place them into a memory file. An understanding within myself if they will bring me some satisfaction to my soul by the simple relation of memory or just a fragment of reality.

Feeling as the world is motionless, feeling as if I’m in a warped state of surpassed reality, much like the Langoliers that roam the earth after life has moved on and passed. Taking the end and wishing it away, I see myself here, lost in this place of torment and rebirth in one swift movement.

Paradox is how I see life; tribulation is fitting for the deceased. Finding where one standing in between is the question most of us urn for. Finishing ones path in life, knowing that is asked and what is certain, what can be expected is all but fitting but yet almost never completed.

Your path is your thoughts, your dreams, your anxiety, your joy, your anger, your hate, your like, your dislikes, your love, your control, your favorite smells, your favorite foods, your favorite everything, including most importantly your ego state of mind is what leads you to decide how each path you take, your comprehension towards that path and the temptation that guides you in and out of your life’s needs.

Tightly stitched thoughts running sporadically, enlightening me; franticly teasing my every whim. Controlling the non motionless state of my decline, loosing the touch of what might be surreal.

Here is where I show my decent, my decline into a deep psychotic state of mind. Flowing cells, rapidly flustering thoughts that decent into the darkness. There to be locked in a vault, trapped until I find use for them again. Find a use for them to accept or reject how I view the world in my psychotic state of mind.


PkS © 2004

Once

Once

Once I was happy to say good bye,
Wash my hands to it all and never think twice
I would just shut my eyes and think of all the hateful pains
You caused my heart to feel inside, beaten, tore down, mentally ashamed

The grief, the sorrow, the shame, the pain
The anguish, the torment, a sinking pitiful game
The destructive words that came so easily
The masterful glee you took from inside of me

I would think about the words said in anger
I would think about the childish behavior
I would remind myself everyday of how much you broke my heart
I felt like I was left to suffer, never to allow myself to restart

I would say things about you to keep me upset
Trashing your name so easily without a care or whim
Cussing you even when I was asleep
Kicking myself in hate at the mention of your name

Once I was happy to feel that way
Never worried about letting my heart get swept away
Once was a long time ago for me
It took years for me to relinquish the pain

As time moved forward, and I still stood still
I could faintly hear those words disappear
As time still marched as a parade took flight
I can now say, Once was another life time

You said those words, you held so dear
You said your peace, as you left my world
But once I realized that time will not stay still
I learned to take flight and rejoin the world

For now I’m glad you have move out of my life
I’m finally at a place where I can sleep at night
I no longer take what you said out of spite
I know now that you did what was right

PkS © 2004

Freedom at a Price

Freedom at a price

Freedom - The ability to choose for ones-self, in both voice and in action; the ability to make rational decisions to voice an opinion without repercussions, without being afraid of a government, church, local civics club or any member of the stated, taking any action against the expressed person who has made such statement(s) or comment(s). The quality or state of being free, the absence of necessity, coercion or constraint in choice or action, the ability to be frank, open, or outspoken and with the ability of conception or execution. The ability to speak what is on your mind, be it justice, be it cruel, be it impartial or foul, but just the ability to say speak what is on your mind.

So with that said, I have a clear statement I am expressing now. If you appose, then you have every right, but as I explained, it is my choice and ability to make this statement.

How easy it is to just take the life of another, innocent or guilty and reinforce our own society and their thoughts by screaming Freedom. Is it freedom? Is it justice to say Freedom, when life(s) has been taken, to better our own beliefs? Is it not an injustice to us all when we demonstrate the ability to kill another human being in the price of freedom? Is that justice to the families, to the friends or to their own beliefs?

Taking the breath of another and saying it was for our own protection, for our own good, for our own right to serve as our fore fathers did before us to protect our land, to kill a man who is doing the same for his own country, is that justice? Is it justice for us to judge another by their choices in their lives such as religion, speech, their ability to act or take function with others, their decision to stand on their beliefs and them have their own thoughts on who or how they would like to be treated?

Do we always follow our own history and do as are fore fathers did before, and if so, is that not going to lead us into more bloody baths that will be endless, with endless life’s taken, with endless results with endless stories of tragedy and endless thoughts reminding us of how we did come about freedom in the first place? Or have we already forgotten that as we stand here in America, we stand united, under HUNDREDS of gods, not just one, but HUNDREDS; have we forgotten who we truly are, how we came about getting to where we are now and now many blood baths we alone had to over come to be where we are today?

Are own history has proven to us that murder, death and killing others for the sake of Freedom has not placed us in any better state of mind that our enemy that we so readily judge on the same principles. We hold each person the same respect but when the ability to grant freedom, we ask they pay a price for it. The price might come in a certificate, a donation, a statement or even the choice to relinquish their own beliefs, their own thoughts and their own decision of what is placed value of Freedom. For if you give your life, give your family ability to give you that life, then so freely a person should take it away, for a decision made my men who have no understanding of what the civilized world means nor has the will to choice to accept and understand each and every one of our differences.

Who are we to decide how others should live or die? Who are we to say prayers for the death or dying who have so laid their lives in front of ours to protect us from evil that fortified our well being? Is it not this evil that we grew ourselves? Is this not our own demise and ALSO our own redemption that we should soundly take notice of and solely without questioning, but accepting and learning from our differences? I ask not to be protected, yet I ask for all to accept and protect their own beliefs, their own visions, their own practices yet with a better understanding who we truly are not in the face of man but who we truly are in the face of brotherhood.

In the United States of America, we are raised to believe that each and every one of us are of protected by our peers, our allies, our parents, our family, our guardians, our friends and most importantly, our government. As a child, you are taught what freedom is by examples of history, events and patterns dating back to the cavemen. You are taught that freedom may come at a price, but that price never has a value. To give ones freedom up is giving up their life. It is a chain of events that we, as in titled the World, have done to ourselves endlessly for a vary of reasons, primarily over religion or land.

When will we stop the cycle of this endless battle within our own selves and insure to each and every person on this planet that Freedom is not a decision someone in made up for it’s spirit of sounding good, but yet truly take the meaning to heart and make the difference. Not just a difference for one, but a difference collectively for all, for all to feel, for all to choose, for all to see and feel.

The endless life’s taken for the word of Freedom. The endless lies we hear about who is threatening our freedom. The endless cries that are unheard because we yet have not listened to our own past, learned from our fore fathers. We stand proud, but we are proud of nothing, and can not be proud with nothing until we learn what freedom is truly about.


PkS ~ 2004 ©

Gilded

Gilded

Gilded once walked beside me. Wrapped in his ego, he lead me to believe in a world of solitude pleasantries. He bronzed my thoughts in fanatics of life, only to destroy them with a blink of light. He forecasted my world in ravens gone wild, he blessed my sins with heavenly clouds, marked his territory with ark shaped notions, draining out the gallons of emotions. For Gilded was a savor if you will, he will visit you in time, if you will, to take upon what he calms is his; give him what he wants and he will forever be pleased.

PkS © 2004

I want to be kidnapped for a week.... Everybody has a Value, Everybody has a price, those that love you or employ you will PAY.... How much are you worth?

If you want to Rant, cramp, framp, bitch, moan, whale, hate, mate or what ever you might be into, just know that your not the only one in life who's got problems! We don't want to hear about your problems anymore! Oh and go ahead and choke on your food too! Or just take the advice of the rat attached!

If it wasn't for life's little corks, we would still be living in the swamp! Register now so you can get a jump start for the upcoming draft we all know is coming!

Silicone

Silicone

So many times I tired to hide behind a painted smile
Portrait of me, sitting still in a framed world for all to see
Brushed images of my world, stroked onto a canvas
Flowing sensation of life painted behind a painted smile

Just a framed piece of art
Hung in a gallery for all to admire
People come and go
Thanking the administrator for the show

You never tired to see behind my painted smile
If you see the stokes, I’d let you into the secret in me
But you only see what you will from me
Letting me continually freeze my image of a painted smile

Smiling while lying to the world
Smiling to convince the world
Smiling to bring ease back into my world
Smiling while lying, hiding, frighten

Repeated the action of my silicone state
So many things the public will take
So many times I’ve tried to make you understand
The painted smile is not all that is of me

So many times I tired to hide behind a painted smile
Silicone state of a portrait
Brushed onto a canvas for the next exhibit
Frozen in a time for the world to admire

Just a framed piece of art
Hung in a gallery for all to admire
People come and go
Thanking the administrator for the show

PkS © 2004