ADELE - 'Cold Shoulder'

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Adele - Someone Like You

Bye Bye Baby

Bye bye baby
Don’t you cry
I don’t know wrong or right

The world’s been upside down
Spinning round and round
And I’m barely standing on solid ground

Don’t shed a tear
Don’t you cry
Just hold on tight
Don’t let the world pass you by

Watch the circle around the sun
Round and Round and round for fun
Spinning out of control
Just as in life
Babe… it will be alright

Bye bye baby
Don’t you cry
I’ll be here on the other side

Arms opened wide
Waiting for you to complete my life
A kiss and a hug
Forever our love

Take the step
Don’t pass it by
Just relax, take a breath
And No saying final good byes

Bye bye baby
Don’t you cry
Hold my heart until I die

The world’s gone sideways
On its crocked shallow path
Turbulence surrounds us
But love will outlast

Bye Bye baby bye bye
Don’t you cry
Don’t you even shed a tear tonight
Hold your arms open
Close your eyes
Know I’m always with you
Kiss kiss bye bye

…Know everything will be alright

PkS 2010 ©

Learning to letting go...

Learning to let go…

One of the hardest things in life to do is to learn how to let someone go. It’s easier said than done, most of the time, you’re taking advice from friends or family members who have shared similar experiences; but bottom line is that you have to learn the experience on your own. Experience the situation at hand with no one leading you there. You and you alone.

When you share years with a person, through the good times and bad, it’s hard to just call it quits, especially when both parties are not in agreement. When one person decides to walk away for what ever the reason may be, it’s truly a face slap to the recipient. Along with the person who decided to walk away, it’s hard on them as well, questioning motive, questioning themselves, their action or actions, the reasoning behind it and always the famous “what if” syndrome.

People come into our lives for a reason, maybe a season or for a lifetime. When you can identify which of the three it may be, you will have a better understanding on how to deal with the situation.

When someone is in your life for a reason, its’ usually an underlined desire to meet a need that you have expressed, verbally or emotionally. The person may have been brought into our life to assist you through a difficult time, or provide you with guidance and support or even to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They are there for the reason you needed them to be. Then, without any warning, quick as it came on; the relationship comes to an end. It could be a death, or a fight or even just someone walking away, forcing you to take a stand. What must be realized is that our need actually has been met, our desire fulfilled and we must move on from the situation.

Some people come into your life for a season. It’s your turn to share, grow and learn. Experience of peace of mind and laugher is what is brought out of it. You may even learn something new or do something that might once have been a fear. This type of person typically brings an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe in it; believe it for it is real; but only for a season.

A lifetime relationship teaches you a lifetime of lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. You must accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to good use in all other relationships or areas in our lives. It is said that love is blind but friendships are clairvoyant.

What makes a person want to quit on a relationship? It could be something as easy as how the person is, something deep rooted within there personality, maybe someone who can’t be with someone very long, to a variety of other things, such as timing, family, friends, culture, past experiences, possible future experiences, behavior, function skills, attitude, overwhelming thoughts or regrets, custom of life style and living, social differences, trust, bond, sex appeal, sexual habits, frustration, religion, believe systems, economic, deep fears of rejection, lost of feelings, lost of love, safety, threatening personalities, right down to the most common, they have just lost the connection between the person.

It takes a strong person to just walk away from it all. Most people are in very comfortable lifestyles, with people who are from their inner circle or most from similar back grounds. But up and walking away from someone, for what ever the reason maybe, is hard for both parties. When one of the parties in the relationship decides it’s time to quit, it’s no easy task. Several situations include having to “tally up” who is getting what material belongs, such as in a divorce situation. For others, it’s breaking the emotional bond they once shared. Even though one person may be leaving, there still is a bond that was formed, mostly made in comfort. Walking away from your comfort level is one hell of a task, but in doing so; you can learn a great deal of yourself, your situation and the environment your surroundings.

For what ever reason the person chooses, in the beginning it seems unbearable. The rush of feelings will over take you at times, making you question the process, making you question if you are doing the right thing. You will go threw all the emotions, love, anger, fear, sorrow, joy, lust, disgust, acceptance, anticipation, surprise, self-pity, hate, envy, anger, regret, sadness, joy, remembrance, frustration, torture, humiliation and questionable doubt to just name a few. However how long these feelings may last, some longer than others, some feelings lingering for years, there is no right or wrong for feeling any of these.

Does taking everyone who you’ve ever known’s advice come into account or is it just polite to nod your head and agree rather than explaining how your personal situation was different. So rather getting into details, just agree to not disclose and move on with the frustration of it all. This is a question that is separated by sexes it seems, since most women have to ‘talk it to death’ and men typically give a short version and hold feelings inward.

I can personally say that I’ve fallen into all of the categories, feelings, emotions, along being the destroyer or demolisher of the relationship more times than I’d personally like to account for. Rarely in my past, have I given any satisfaction of anyone having the “upper hand” on laying clam on ending things. I think most people can account themselves to be the destroyer. It’s a emotional mechanism that is triggered when we feel vulnerable or helpless in a situation.

It takes all emotions to deal with the simplest things, once the decision has been made. And knowing who you are as a person helps you deal with the situation even farther. Now, it’s about continuing to grown as a person, venturing out of our shell, taking the steps to move forward and learn to let go of the past. The ones we cared for in our past, teach us to love again tomorrow.

The question at hand seems to still be left at, do we let go and experience the emotions at hand or do we bend into temptation and continue with the same issues arising knowing that the relationship should have ended. To some, staying is believing things will work out, even if it should be decades away. To others, taking the leap of faith and going through the emotions of letting go, making a choice to weather the storm, knowing in the long run, there is a life after letting go and moving on with your life.

It’s been said to know love is to know one’s self. Love can be inviting, enchanting, alluring but TO BE IN love can be breathtaking, captivating, spectacular and emotional heart wrenching. You may love a million times over, in your life time; but the one you are truly in love with may only come once. And to know one’s self, know the answer to which the person was to you.

Though your time may have come and passed you by for now, remember again if it’s the reason, was it the season or was it a lifetime.

PkS 2009 ©

Guess who's...

Someone is moving…
Far far away…
To escape the routine…
Of my monotonous days…

Moving on with a new chapter that’s fresh
And leaving loving memories of a past
Cleanses my soul for a fresh break
Leaving a tortured soul to haunt the rest of YOUR days

Waves good bye to all who I’ve met
I will think of you often
And know some of you I hold dear
And will remember the good times we shared

Welcoming a warm hello
In a new country
New city
New home

And maybe once I get unpacked
And set up my new flat
I might take a stroll
To someplace unknown

Ahhhhh, new beginnings…. Got to love them!!

Waves Bye Bye!!!!

~The ZotmIster August 2009~

And if you didn’t get a personal phone call regarding this matter, that means you were put on the NO CALL LIST https://www.donotcall.gov/. So go sit in a corner and cry your fake tears, then get a beer and a smoke and GO FUCK YOURSELF!! Peace out  ~~

I think I’m afraid of the dark
That’s when the demons lurk
Trying to find a way
Into my forbidden place
You can see them behind the minds door light
Moving and swaying for just one bite
Watching them stir around
They are waiting patiently for a sound
Hisses and moans, whispers and deep tones
I think I’ll stay here tonight
All alone

Sneaks to the door…
Opens the door slowly
Invites all the demons inside
Blows a kiss
Says good night…












Gobble Gobble

PkS 2009 ©

Oraculum

All that has happened now will happen again, the prophecy writes
What once was a beginning concludes to the end but will be again
What once was believed in, lived for, strived fully, will be forgotten, then reborn again
There will be an angel of death, yet an angel of life shall save what is right
And what has occurred will be counted again

The path we may take will be written time and time again
The path of salvation will be written in transcripts for our future generations to withhold
The truth as we know will be sentenced to question
The unknown will be answered
Our thoughts will be resurrected
Our path walked again

One life may change many
It may change all
It may change those who it has not met yet
It may change all who come in contact with it
It may decipher the lingering questions
It may not answer any; it may not change a thing
Life is precious, pure and innocent
It is our only connection with one another
It’s the one bond we have to our future

Believe in your heart you will find your own
You are the only one who can
You are the salvation of yourself
You are your one true question
You are the one true answer

What has happened now will happened again
The prophecy has been written and will be written again and again
The world as you may know is the world you have come to make
You will be both damned and rewarded for your actions
Your path is that of many, but only yours at freewill

The prophecy writes that all will be
All will have a hand in what will be
All will decided the fate of one
All will anger and rejoice at once
All have the knowledge yet some choose not to use it
All know the roots of answers

These words have been written before
These words will be written again long after I am dust
The prophecy is stubborn
It returns to remind us of the path we select
It haunts us all for a change
All that has happened now will happen again
The prophecy writes
What once was a beginning
Concludes to the end
And shall be willed again
What once was believed in, lived for, strived fully for in live
Will be forgotten, the sands forgotten, everything we have touched
All that have passed and all that will be, shall be reborn again
There IS an angel of death
There IS an angel of life
All that is right will be saved in our world
And what has occurred will be counted again, and again and again.

The prophecy is written
Man will be born, will live and then die
He will turn to dust and be released back to our world
Our only salvation will be written in transcripts
Held for our future generations to withhold
Terra ut terra , cinis cineris ut cinis cineris , pulvis ut pulvis


PkS 2009 ©

Narcissistic Male

Narcissistic Male

You want the universe given to you in the palm of your hand. Narcissistic male with no intentions of understanding his goal or distinction in the master plan. You want so much resolvement to be determined by me, yet I have no answers to what you seek.

You find pleasure in running around; circling the universe looking for any person’s ego to burse; yet you always found comfort in afflicting your pain in my fragile world; you’re nothing more than a narcissistic male with the ability to destroy everyone’s dreams and hope for your own pleasure, of course.

Fabricated truth is what your life is called; always running away from your dreams in search of gaining some sort of power of acceptance or trying to rewriting other people’s beliefs. But you don’t even understand the truth you try to preach. You get caught up in the words you speak. And forget how one word can destroy a life, a feeling or even a passion that others may believe. But being a person who can not stop insisting, you of course can not determine when you’ve hurt another. For this is why your narcissistic ways, will always be a signal for others to stay away.

You’re determined to draw them into your universe, emulating your powerless words. You want them to put you on a pedestal, and pray to you as you look down upon them. You want to play ALL MIGHTY GOD, in the world you’ve created. Narcissistic games you’ve dreamt up and can’t stop playing.

You’ve never had a single person call you out for who you really are; every time someone gets close to your tarnished heart; you run back to the center of your pathetic non circulating universe. You urn for acceptance in this world who has branded you and you’re careless acts towards others. For this, you will remain, in stand off with humanity.

A sorry, small pathetic male with no comprehension of the world you live in. Open your eyes and stop stroking your ego and you might just get a small glimpse of what the outside world see of you. But knowing how you live for the game, the excitement and joy you really love to bring, to invade your world, slowly draw them in without knowing anything else except how to keep your ego lite; and when or where to polish and gloat, stroking, and lurking, and moving about.

What’s that? You ask so dear? Yes, indeed, it’s the world you can not invade, it’s the one’s who see your game; all the people who know how you truly are; sitting and laughing at your want-a-be world.


Karma’s a bitch!

PKS 2008 ©

Said

Said

I’ve said what I needed to say
To release what is in side of me
To rekindle what was meant to be
Thus I can finally be free

But all now is out of my hands
Only time will have what the final word may be
Of what lye’s in the future
Or will be blown away with sand

What is meant to be will be
The universe is known to works in threes
If there is nothing else to say
At least I’ve said my peace today
And know that when I die
That I never held back my feelings inside

PKS ©

थे ब्लोवेर्स दौघतेर

The Blowers Daughter by Damien Rice

This song brings so many emotions to light. It is solely dedicated to a royal pain in the ass, or more like a thorn stuck on your side that you seem not to be able to remove.

She Writes to Write

She Writes to Write

She writes to write
Never an end in site
She writes to justify
The truth she knows
The truth that haunts her mind

She writes in a twisted tangled taunting tongue
Passing the time mystically to un-whine from the childish pawns
Knowing only HE will sees what’s truly written between the lines
For He is the only one who has ever captured her essence and mind

She writes and writes
To ease her mind
Never allowing the words to flow where mortal man can read them so
She tries to cover up the meaning with a twist of words intertwined

She writes in terms that the world will converse
And yet she writes to hide the meaning in each and every word
She knows only one who will decode the secrets that lay beneath
She knows He is the only one who holds the key

She writes to write
To allow her thoughts at ease
She twists the words so only a few can read
She knows if the world reads the truth at what she has to say
The world would sway a very different way

If the world understood what she sees and hears
Then the world would take note of their fears
But writing words in an tangled web
Is only a granted gift given to very few instead
Some may read the words and some may see the jest
But only He will know what the meaning truly is

She writes and writes
Never accepting a belief in time
For she knows nothing will ever equate
To the depths of her imbedded state
For the power of her words will never die in vane
So hence this round about word game
Time is just for the record, around and around it goes
But time is nothing more than a lesson
Of how the story goes


So she writes and writes and writes
Allowing her mind to take flight
Letting her thoughts drone out of her head
She patiently thinks ahead
Wanting to answer the questions that are continually asked of
Who could this He be and what could he be all about

So…she sat and wrote one night
This tangling twisted tongued delight
Of words that in turn explain
A riddle or what some may call a game

She writes and writes and writes….

It’s all in the words
The truth will be told
Of whom this person is
That taunts the depths of my soul

Nothing like intentionally loosing your mind
It’s always taking four steps forward and three steps behind
Taking a skip here and a beat there is nothing new
It’s all in the word you so carefully choose
The key is right in front of you
You just have to read
And know how to understand the corkier side of me

If you know me and know how I think
You will clue in to each word I speak
For each of these phrases has a single word answer
And in each of those words that you’ve thought were so clear
You may discover a name will appear
But only HE will discover the identity once the riddles are complete
For only HE could ever logically comprehend this massive feat

So laid beneath this twisted way of words
Lye’s riddles and jumbled thoughts for you to endure
Twelve twisters with hidden meaning to observe
But only one worded answers will suffice
Meaningful thoughts of how I see me and my life
Then once you think you have all the correct answers
You may try your luck in decoding the letters
For the equation was already mentioned before
You just have to have patience and think about me some more 

Sooooooo…..

She writes and writes and writes….

She speaks often of the key, this key is the key indeed, but where would this key fit and what purpose does it permit? Would this key work a rapid beat or would it just melt in the dying heat; the question still pertains to what lies beneath and what does this key, the key indeed, mean?

Time has no meaning, that’s all I see; but somehow it just seems to continually circle me. A circular motion that never stands still; just like my childhood memories of the carousel. You may also find me neither here nor there, but I still am lingering everywhere.

Look around patiently and wonder where it could be; in search you are, but first you may need to read a little up on me. To know where I am, first know I’m with myself and both hands, floating in an abyss veering off the cliff. But was it my nature to drifter off the beaten path, as I so boldly wrote in the past. Things always seem to go missing, but where do they go? And what do you do to bring them home?

Words whispered softly into a canyon you may hear, louder and louder they may appear. Though most references refer to a lost time, this ancient ritual was the one of the first communications line. Shout as loud as you can and be surprised what’s heard on the other side.

Deep below the oceans blue, lays a world unknown to you. Hidden depth within my fragile mind, lays a sanctuary of darkness and solitude that comforts these weary eyes. For this is a place that I treasure the most, it is where I hold my jar of hope. This place is nothing to be afraid of, if you know how it began, though it has taken me over time and time, I always patiently wait for him.

I may run and I may hide, but I know your arms will always provide a world that keeps me secure; a world in your arms that shelters me from my fears. You do this because you defend the ones you love, guard them from the evils that may arise and sir come.

You may have chosen a certain path to walk in your life, with its twists and turns that might not always seem right. You have a choice to either, turn left or turn right; for what path you may choose maybe not always be right. Which way to go is the question at hand, will it be left or could it be right, or will this choice take all night?

She may write and write, always thinking much of her obsessive passionate flight; to say what needs to be said, no matter what monsters speak in her head. Then there always seems to come a time, where a much needed change unwinds. She may sit back and think a while, pondering what was meant to be spoken, written carefully down but somewhat broken. Words revolve round and round in her head. But which one is correct? Remove one; add another, backspace until you delete the other.

Higher and higher, my love, I place thee, for you are my ecstasy. The angels I invited here float gently around in the air; protecting me from this shallow ground; while I continually sense you all around. Even to the depths of my bones, I embrace you as you stand alone. You came when I needed you the most; you embarrassed my most foolish thoughts as I looked upwards towards the sky, I now can see my lovers eyes standing …

From creation, to birth, to cause, to beginning, we always will search for the source of origin. In a quest to find out our pasts, some place faith in their path. It may be of a strict code of science, which most of us crave, or a biblical book of tales from yesterday. None the less, origin is the source of creation, to birth to cause a beginning.

These are what may never come but we all share them one by one. We each may see our world in different light; some are only in black and white. Others may have colors that shows deep darken reds or beautiful white goose down pillows on every bed. Some might see white wedding bells with some distant mural of a peacock’s feather tails. You could fall or fly, it really doesn’t matter how high. Enjoy each journey that may take you flight, for tomorrow shallow have another night.

Make your stand for what you believe, just don’t feel the need to punish me. Logic or logiest may be ones way to answer this but being overly antagonistic needs a rest. Take what is yours, no need to worry; it’s there for the taking if you are insistent.

She writes and writes
With hopes all the notes are decipher in time
For her heart is completely open with fear
That HE is no longer here
And the love they once shared
Has weltered away with too much pain in the air

So she writes and writes and writes…
Always thinking ahead to the next line
Of what words to put in use
To keep each one of you completely confused

But if you read what was explained above
Then you would have no problem decoding the answers of my love
And know finally who this HE truly is
That taunts the depths of my soul

HE captured my heart and soul a very long time ago
And now I can’t stop the everyday process
Of lingering thoughts and wonder
I feel it’s either him or it’s me
But one of us might needs to be set free

She writes and writes and writes….

So… she sat and wrote one night
This tangling twisted tongued delight
Of words that express an answer to be found
Of her one true love that lingers around

She writes and writes
To free her mind
Of a different time
A different place
A different day
Even a different way

She writes to write
Never an end in site
She writes to justify
The truth she knows
The truth that haunts her mind

She writes in a twisted tangled taunting tongue
Passing the time mystically to un-whine from the childish pawns
Knowing only HE will sees what’s truly written between the lines
For He is the only one who has ever captured her essence and mind

She writes to write
She writes to write
She writes to write
Never an end in site

PkS © 2004-2008

Hola

WOW 1 year to the date... excellent timing oh and LOOK WHOS BACK~~ And this will soon be revised so beware of things to come!!

The Convenient Woman

The Convenient Woman

It’s always convenient for you when she’s around
She always there to entertain you while the clock ticks down
Just a convenience, to pass your time way
She’s your convenient woman who waits around while you have your fun and play

It’s a convenience for you and you alone
No pressure, no questions allowed, just a request of her full attention when you have a few extra hours to bounce around
Allowing her to hold onto a dream, filling her head with thoughts of what might be
Knowing full well she’s not in your long term plans, your attentive attention is based only on what mood you’re in
She’s just a convenience while the world passes each day
She’s your convenient woman, who always waits around, waits for you and prays

Though you know nothing will ever come about
You have your intention preset and no limit is bound
Though your intentions do not include, this woman who scarifies to spend time with you
She’s your convenience, your way to pass the day
She’s your convenient woman, who grows old of your childish ways

You are a master at precisely knowing what words to use
Enticing, inviting, constantly trying to draw her closer to you
Lavishly depicting how you want to be caressed
In this world you’ve created, this world you so desperately want her to believe in
You want a convenient woman to keep you company while you play
You need this convenient woman to fill a void you're afraid to display

You want her to stay constantly wrapped up in your precious little mental games
Always attentive in every motion, every word, every whisper you say
For your games and this fabricated world are the only place you can get this girl
She’s your convenient woman, just there to ease your mind
She’s your convenient woman, wasting her time

PkS © 2006

Je Vous Adore Mon Amour

Je Vous Adore Mon Amour

You and I stand here all alone
Hand in hand watching the world revolve on its own
Looking deeply into each other eyes
All we can see is both our souls collided

Waits to say the words I know you long to hear
As I speak ever so softly in your ear
Wondering how long it will take
Before you devour my sacred place

Waits for your sweet lips to intrude
My world that welcomes you
Wondering how long it will take
Before you engage in my warm embrace

Finally I whisper what you’ve long to hear
Anticipated words caress your ear
I speak them with a gentle breeze
And remind you of how you’ve rapture me

For you are the one I adore, mon amour
For I can not ask for any thing more
For you are the one who makes my heart beat
For you are the one who completely completes me

PkS © 2006

A little side note ~~ Je Vous Adore Mon Amour’s translation is "I adore you, my love", which was written especially for someone special for thier birthday. Before any emotions were expressed, before any feelings were acknowledged, the words “I adore you” were always spoken ever so softly in each others ear.

Zotty's Potty Mouth Rendition of Life

Update~~

Ok all, as promised I have added my little “Zotty's Potty Mouth Rendition of Life” section. Take a look to the right and you will see the link. Now, like most of you know, I write a lot, more so that I would ever admit to and I have as of right now, 37 blogs. All for different things, but that’s just how I keep things separated. So, Insead of opening them all up or boring all of you to death, I have moved around some of the blogs, moved some of the names around and have decided to start a new one since it’s a new year!

Let me say now that anything read is unedited and just purly off the cuff so what ever I’m feeling at that particular moment is what I writen, so if you decide to read it, it’s your own fault. It’s not called “Zotty’s Potty Mouth Rendition of Life” for nothing.

If you see an “edit” marking, it simply means that I have transferred the items to another blogger and NOPE you can’t see it, so don’t even ask!

So…. With that said, have fun, no more asking or begging please, but since some of you are interested in little old me, have fun reading but I can’t say again, I TOLD YOU SO, when my mouth gets away from me!

Peace, Love and Zen ~~Zotty Out~~

Walks on the Edge

~Walks on the Edge ~

It’s not everyday that someone can look up and say “what in the hell am I doing”. It’s not every person’s life goal to acknowledge that maybe their choices in life, actions or choice to not take action leads them to a point in their lives where they stop, look around and say “hey, I’m about to topple over this edge if I get any closer”.

Funny how life just seems to pass daily, we each see the sun rise and fall, thinking that tomorrow may be a better day, sometimes thinking that all those little infractions in life will either just not be there tomorrow or maybe will be resolved over night without having to deal with them.

People walk on the edge daily without even noticing, walking towards a goal as they see it but later realize that the goal they thought they were so intent in making was completely over shot and fumbled. No score!!

Is it better to acknowledge the mistakes or better to just let them stay put away and just walk away from them? Is it better to “show face” and say “what in the hell am I doing, what was I thinking” and apologize to those who you may have hurt? Or is it easier to just keep walking the line, drawn in the sand, drawn by some unknown force that drives you until you get to a point where you can’t find yourself any longer?

Its all relative even if you don’t understand, especially when you don’t understand, It’s easier to just believe, you miss the point, you miss the door, you miss the belief, then fingers get pointed, the all of a sudden you see the edge that you’ve been walking on, without fully understanding how you got that far. Was it something so deep to believe in? Was it right for the day but the wrong decision that will affect you though out life? Does it really even matter any longer and walking on the edge brings relief to some degree since you know at any time it doesn’t matter if you leap. If you do choice to leap, does that necessarily mean you leaped on the wrong side of that edge? Is there actually a right or wrong side?

Walks farther on the edge, questioning every possible move, step by step, no notion of right or wrong, just knowing that walking easies the mind in asking so many questions of right or wrong.

Sometimes walking on that edge leads you to a frame of mind, where you can’t think straight, act insane or even be able to communicate. Hence, the phrase “Has she completely lost her mind” comes into play when thinking this. Could be? Could be not? Maybe it’s just the thoughts that aren’t able to be released or maybe it’s just not where they are all coherently functional and before you know it, and before you can even say anything, you are on that edge, trying so hard to at least get one thing stated but POOF there’s the edge again saying “nope, too close, don’t move or you’ll fall”.

Hell, I’m starting to think that if I bring my bed along, I can live on the edge of that line, since I’ve been hanging around it for so long. (Ponders… maybe a better night of sleep maybe??)

Funny thing too that I realized about walking on the edge, is how there are too many politics in just having a conversation about emotions or things you are feeling because everyone’s is ready to put you down rather than trying to understand how you feel. Everyone’s got a statement to make, but no one got time anymore to listen. Or better yet, the people you felt the safest with, the ones you thought you could talk to, seems to always be the ones who are first in line to stab you right in the back. But how true it is how things always come full circle in life. Things seem bleak, dark and “edgy” (no punt intended) but then something comes along, some times new, sometimes old but no matter what it is, it always seems to be there when you need it the most. Funny how that karma crap really happens!

So going back to what I was originally saying… Walks on the edge, do you sway one direction and face up to what you know you did wrong in the past and at least try to acknowledge it and say what you need to those you may have hurt? Or do you just sway to the other said, wobbling around, and think “eh tomorrow will come, bring something new so forget about the past”… And if that’s the case, when do empathy and acceptance, and admitting your mistakes and acknowledging them come into focus? Or does it ever?

Eh… For me, I have to much sappy crap fluttering around in my jarred head as I walk that edge thinking of right vs. wrong, yesterday, tomorrow, yes or no, left or right. Though I do see things from a much darker side than most, not willing at times, I do try to always lay faith in how people are redeemable in their actions or thoughts and how the past can be corrected to a certain degree even if it’s just from a simple talk.

Yea, I admit I walk that line, have for a while now, tottering back and forth, left to right wondering should I fall or should I just hold still and just wait. Frozen like a deer in headlights. I’m not an easy person (And yes you can insert “yes we know this” here). I think over matters to a point where they scare me off and guess what, I close that door and lock it before anyone ever knew I had one. SLAM right in the face. I know I’m far from perfect, and hell, I make mistakes ever day, but then it comes down to empathy and rectifying at least some of those mistakes that maybe you just regret more than anyone knows.

Yep, walks on that edge, thinks long and hard, not only for the visible but for those little hints that were there all the time that I’m so famous for not noticing. And thinking more and more about it, I don’t think I’m the only one who’s walking on that edge either. I think there are a lot of people thinking the same thing here because I know I’m not the only one with empathy towards situations and can accept that some things have been overblown or taken out of context or maybe just not communicated correctly. Hell, NONE of us are any better than the next person and everyone makes mistakes daily. OMG how maybe edges are we all walking on???

Yea so in closing, I get to walk on my edge a little more here. Things recently in my personal life have come up, dramatic changes have occurred and venting is needed. But as most of you know, I vent, yell, scream, blow smoke and then just take a breath; inhaul and just try to tell myself take it minute by minute and just relax. INHAUL… EXHAUL… yep, that works, then I'm totally over it, had my venting tantrum and then I just move on. All better, EXCEPT for that damn edge….

Ever feel like your walking round and round on that thing?


K, time for some sleep and with that I say something that I use to sign off…


PEACE, LOVE AND ZEN BABY ~~ Zotty OUT!

Ohhh…. Almost forgot so if you read this far down then you must also know I have been writing in a personal blog about my daily info and updates, deeper spur of the moment emotions, quick views and disapprovals of thinks. A few people have asked me if I would make public for them. So at the request I will have that public shortly. (HeHe I had to take out all the hate letters I’ve written to some of you) JUST JOKING!!

Find Myself

Find Myself ~

I find myself drifting in an abandon sea
Adventurous by nature, paralyzed by defeat
Swaying with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in waves that are carried off with the breeze

Thrown against the rocks, jaggered edges of the bloody battle grounds
Waves torturing, demolishing every remaining ounce
Fearless, I carry on, holding onto a strength that is bound
Drifting in and out of conciseness, trembling, tired, I pray to be found

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

Bruised and beaten from this tremendous terrain
I find myself constantly looking for one single gleam
I scurry around to find the source of light
Not knowing if it will ever appear in my fight

Countless hours seem to pass, rain pounding down like shattered glass
Dragged back and forth from the ocean breath, waiting patiently for my one chance
Washed ashore endless times, scared and bruised, mesmerized by the oceans commands
Dragged back out into an abandoned sea, pounding swales trying to rip apart me

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

Only fractures of myself remain, lost in a transition between the ocean and my personal strength
No longer afraid of what of the terrain lies ahead of me, knowing that my faith will always protect me
Mind over matter is all that remains, relentlessly fighting not wanting to give in
Waits for the waves to over take me, I take a breath and sink gentle in

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

I find myself lowered to the depths of this abandon sea
Once adventurous by nature, now paralyzed by it’s defeat
Swaying so very gently with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in currents that run strong beneath the waves, I finally feel safe, I finally feel released


Waits for my last breath to dissipate …


PkS © 2005

Writers note:

Find myself was a very personal piece I actually have worked on and rewritten several times to define my true feelings of what I am experiencing. The nature of this piece is two fold, very complex and with a very deep meaning written within it.

It explains on a daily bases how I feel; trapped and fighting with no floatation device to be able to hold onto, and having to fight something that is much stronger than I am or have given up on the will at times to fight. Though each person has their own idea of how to deal with things, such as cancer, everyone will deal with it in their own way and accept the factors or cards as some people call them, in the best way they can. Defeated is mostly how I feel these days, too tired to continue the fight, but still have the occasional wind that kicks up in me where I will fight like hell.

Secondly, it invites faith and redemption of changes that may or may not have made a difference in my life. Could every action taken, actually have an equal opposite reaction? Was Sir Issac Newton correct in his third law of physics? Could the actions I have taken to withdraw, remove or banish the people I care the most and love in life, be a reaction? Was it easier on myself or them? Was it right? Or was it selfishness trying to protect anyone else from getting hurt along the way.

Though for some it’s easier to read and just see words. For others, they see the meaning and understand what is being said. It’s not easy to write actual feelings down from the depths of your soul and so raw in how you feel, however, since most of you have no clue how it feels, I thought I’d at least give you a taste of what a day feels like to me.

Someone very close to me once said “only if you could walk in my shoes and see things from my perspective”, I always respected that statement, and have tired on several occasions however, I always knew that they never understood my perspective. It’s much easier to look in the mirrored glass, but when it comes time to fully understand, every person who does commit to stand in someone else’s shoes, will choose a different path to see things. That is what makes it so beautiful, is that we all don’t see eye to eye but can at least respect how others feel or see the world.

I wonder sometimes if it’s possible to just put on one of those shoes, let the other person put on the other and you walk together to find the medium; possibility to help each other see, how it feels from each others eyes.

This is for all of you who can not stand in my shoes. But wondered on many occasions how it would be for a day.

"If you're not the One"

If you're not the one~

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings, but I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through…And I hope you are the one I share my life with

Don't want to run away but I can't take it…
I don't understand; If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through; and I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don’t want to run away but I can't take it
I don't understand… If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Cause, I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause, I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it
I don't understand… If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms…

2003(c) Daniel Bedingfield

December 17, 2005 - Little bit of something to remember

Editors Note:
Something special that hits the heart, words written, possibly in the dark. Sometimes words have a way to lend a sight that is blinded by shadows deep within side. A little bit of something to remember was sent to remind me, what is true to ones self and cherish the memories.

Sometimes remembering what is lost, sometimes remembering what holds people in the dark, sometimes remembering how people act, sometimes remembering why things have gone bad. Know that no matter how dark things may seem, there is always a light that is to be found, with the right search beam. Look deep within ones self and know who you are, grant yourself the power to over come the obstacles. And if you want something bad enough, something so pure and true, then fight for what is right and have your wish granted tonight.

This piece is not something I wrote but was sent to me by someone very special. It is something that is deeply special to me on several levels, but for now, it shall be marked, as one of my “treasured” and placed in that jar, I keep close to my heart. No matter what lye’s ahead, no matter how dark each road is, no matter how distance or shallow, no matter the outcome, the treasured jar will never be touched, it’s what holds me bound to those things I love.