Abyss

~Abyss

Here alone in my abyss, looking aimlessly for some sort of guide to exist; an exit to survive, a place to hide. Emotions running high, being pulled and pushed from deep within; shame takes over me, how things turned out with no redemption in site for these tired blue eyes. I could have shared so much more, I could have opened the door, rather than just a few small hints; hints are all I was able to say, through the tears and pain that I put away.

In search for that second, third or fourth chance to making things right, make things right in both sets of eyes, but never finding the path that redeems me from the selfishness inside. Quiet moments throughout the day, thoughts of memories that appear from the depths of the mind, shadowing, imitating reality, and when the moments pasts, I place them back in a jar marked “treasured”, knowing they will be safely put back on the shelf of my worried mind.

Solitude is where my mind finds its safe haven. It protects itself from all that is around, closed off to a world that revolves. Emotions are all that I have left to hold on to; it’s all that is left in this dying body. It’s all that is allowed in my fragile mind, it’s all I can share with myself. So many times, I regret closing them off, but knowing that if I allowed anyone else in, it would only lead them into the abyss I find myself lost in. How easy it would be for me to just open up, run free of the ability to express my inter self, to finally let go of all the anger, the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the shame I place on myself. But in allowing that side of me to open up, it would take more courage than I have in myself. It would take an army to pry it out, but time is not on my side. Time would not be so kind.

To protect the ones I love, I had to learn a hard lesson years ago, that even today has taunted and remained, learning to just let go and say the harsh word of no. To some it might seem that I don’t care or have feelings. Maybe not expressed as they wish or maybe have given them that extra kiss, but my feelings are deep; deeper than most anyone can believe and in an unconditional way, I try to protect them by just walking away. The abyss carries me off, to a shelter, to a place of somber; I need for myself to learn to live again.

The abyss is nothing to be afraid of; it’s merely a place that saves me from the thoughts that could and have on several times taken over me. It’s dark, hidden and deep within; it never lets reality seep in. It saves me day after day, though I have started to wish it would go away. If I sit and let the feelings intrude, I just run back to my dark, hiding room. ‘Why’ is what you ask yourself repeatedly; why continue finding shelter in an abyss of selfishness? Why allow all the feelings to be repressed, why allow all the emotions to be placed to rest, why hold back everything you consider dear to your heart, why faultier others for those demons who talk to you at night, why banish those closes, out of your life? Why give up on the hope of life. These questions are reasonable, fair and true, yet questions can be asked repeatedly when you’re not allowed in. To some it’s easier to accept, others question the actions of the one who is not willing to express, however as hard the journey seems to be, time does not allow me to set myself free.

The abyss is almost like my child, taken care of with great pride. Maintained like a growing garden that never needs light, a place where I find comfort, acceptance, non-judgmental cares of what matters most to me. Selfish in nature, I run and hide, deep within a place that takes over me, swallows me, contains me, frozen in time. Repeated memories flash continually in my face, like a puzzle of understanding of why I shatter all in my way. Once able to express all my feelings at hand, now I wrap them up tightly in a jar marked “treasured”. Though I fight for a release, I find an inter-peace sitting in my abyss, glossy eyed, blank waiting the ability one day to be able to finally set myself free. Though it keeps me calm, wayward in thought and helps me identify tranquility; my emotions run back and forth as these thoughts go, acceptance or dismissal of my abyss, but it is my sanctuary, mine alone.

Though it seems dark and bleak, there is a key to release me. It is out in the world that revolves, held by a man who knows me well. Though he may not understand, he knows he holds the key in his hand. This key he holds is much more than just steel, he holds the release of my abyss, though it might not come so easily, with the right guidance and care, nurturing and no blank stares; I might find myself released in short intervals. The abyss took years to over take me, darken my spirit and shadow me. It is my abyss, no others allowed. No welcome sign at the door. Though this man has the grace and intelligence, he could, in time, be my redemption I cry out for. For he is the one, these tired blue eyes have shun away, closed off from yesterday, hints to him were all I could say, tears and fears are what made me run away.

For here I sit in my abyss, darkness and solitude comfort me, pulling out my jar marked “treasured”, painting a smile on this bleak face thinking of memories of what was, what could have been and what future is possible if any with a growing abyss.

PkS 2005 ©