Find Myself

Find Myself ~

I find myself drifting in an abandon sea
Adventurous by nature, paralyzed by defeat
Swaying with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in waves that are carried off with the breeze

Thrown against the rocks, jaggered edges of the bloody battle grounds
Waves torturing, demolishing every remaining ounce
Fearless, I carry on, holding onto a strength that is bound
Drifting in and out of conciseness, trembling, tired, I pray to be found

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

Bruised and beaten from this tremendous terrain
I find myself constantly looking for one single gleam
I scurry around to find the source of light
Not knowing if it will ever appear in my fight

Countless hours seem to pass, rain pounding down like shattered glass
Dragged back and forth from the ocean breath, waiting patiently for my one chance
Washed ashore endless times, scared and bruised, mesmerized by the oceans commands
Dragged back out into an abandoned sea, pounding swales trying to rip apart me

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

Only fractures of myself remain, lost in a transition between the ocean and my personal strength
No longer afraid of what of the terrain lies ahead of me, knowing that my faith will always protect me
Mind over matter is all that remains, relentlessly fighting not wanting to give in
Waits for the waves to over take me, I take a breath and sink gentle in

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

I find myself lowered to the depths of this abandon sea
Once adventurous by nature, now paralyzed by it’s defeat
Swaying so very gently with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in currents that run strong beneath the waves, I finally feel safe, I finally feel released


Waits for my last breath to dissipate …


PkS © 2005

Writers note:

Find myself was a very personal piece I actually have worked on and rewritten several times to define my true feelings of what I am experiencing. The nature of this piece is two fold, very complex and with a very deep meaning written within it.

It explains on a daily bases how I feel; trapped and fighting with no floatation device to be able to hold onto, and having to fight something that is much stronger than I am or have given up on the will at times to fight. Though each person has their own idea of how to deal with things, such as cancer, everyone will deal with it in their own way and accept the factors or cards as some people call them, in the best way they can. Defeated is mostly how I feel these days, too tired to continue the fight, but still have the occasional wind that kicks up in me where I will fight like hell.

Secondly, it invites faith and redemption of changes that may or may not have made a difference in my life. Could every action taken, actually have an equal opposite reaction? Was Sir Issac Newton correct in his third law of physics? Could the actions I have taken to withdraw, remove or banish the people I care the most and love in life, be a reaction? Was it easier on myself or them? Was it right? Or was it selfishness trying to protect anyone else from getting hurt along the way.

Though for some it’s easier to read and just see words. For others, they see the meaning and understand what is being said. It’s not easy to write actual feelings down from the depths of your soul and so raw in how you feel, however, since most of you have no clue how it feels, I thought I’d at least give you a taste of what a day feels like to me.

Someone very close to me once said “only if you could walk in my shoes and see things from my perspective”, I always respected that statement, and have tired on several occasions however, I always knew that they never understood my perspective. It’s much easier to look in the mirrored glass, but when it comes time to fully understand, every person who does commit to stand in someone else’s shoes, will choose a different path to see things. That is what makes it so beautiful, is that we all don’t see eye to eye but can at least respect how others feel or see the world.

I wonder sometimes if it’s possible to just put on one of those shoes, let the other person put on the other and you walk together to find the medium; possibility to help each other see, how it feels from each others eyes.

This is for all of you who can not stand in my shoes. But wondered on many occasions how it would be for a day.