Today, I sit and worry, waiting for a sign, if any, to show itself to me. Today, I sit and worry, if this is my last day I’ll have. Today I sit and worry, thinking over everything that has come full circle. I wonder a lot of what life has given me, I think a lot of what I have not given back.
I took a long walk today, by myself, just letting the wind blow on my face. No thought of where I was going, yet every few seconds I would look up and see the lit moon in broad daylight and think of how small a life, any life, really is. Today I fight all my fears that have been building up inside of me, fearing what the future holds, what life is about to unfold and to wonder if, such a small person as myself, can ever light up again in daylight. Today was to be my day, just to think, take in, learn, express and go though all the emotions I needed to, to get myself prepared for what tomorrow brings.
I have to say, that even though I’m not so easily scared with some things in life, I can’t say I’ve never been so scared before till now. It’s come full circle with me, all the emotions, all the blame, all the yelling and crying of not understanding why I’ve had to go through all of this. Facing tomorrow and facing my decisions are harder than I ever thought they would be. Guilt has played a huge part in it also, not reaching out, pushing away and not wanting the comfort of what I may have needed. But those are the choices I decided. That is how I wanted to deal with it all. Even removing my grandparents out of my daily life, out of love and compassion of not watching me decline.
Today, I kept looking at the moon, knowing that anyone could see it at anytime such as I. It put a little smile on my face, just knowing that even though I could not touch it, not pull it towards me, not take it home and wrap it up and keep it, knowing that it will continue to shine, day or night, no matter what the weathers like, it will always be there and it hold a piece of me now. I saw something today in that daylight lit moon, something that gave a warmth in my heart. It was something so small and so inexpressible, that it still just holds me, but I mostly believe that it’s just because it was that one little something I saw in it and knowing that anyone can look up and see it also.
I’m frantic emotionally, stressed physical, trying to place myself in a mental state of just going through the motions to protect myself. Is it working, no, of course not, if it was, I wouldn’t be sitting here having to get all of this out of my head.
Today, above all else, I’ve come to terms with everything and nothing all in the same breath. I over worry, I over react, I take things in the wrong tone and I reject to easily. I can turn myself off, shut down to easily for most, then search for something that doesn’t exist, some sort of guidelines within myself but never yet have found it. I can be the hardest person to deal with but can also melt at the tip of a hat. I can hold my ground for answers, yet give nothing in return. I have looked long and hard at myself and have realize that it’s not easy being me. Over this battle of acceptance, battle of surety, battle of past understanding and now a battle of a fucking disease. Tomorrow, I’m scared. Terrified, of what the outcome is to be. I hold my hands tight and start to wonder if all my years of searching for some higher power, some understanding of my place in the universe, some quest of knowledge of if there may be a person to pray to, isn’t teaching me a lesson. I was asked once from the man I love, if I wasn’t in search or maybe hopping of a God. I quickly said no, but I think he may have been right. I guess, when it comes down to it, I am searching now, for someone to give me an answer, a place I can pray, a person to hold onto and a faith to understand. But yet, my ego and mind both, sit here now and taunt me now, reminding me of my deeper reasoning, that I’m just looking for a place to point the blame.
It all comes down to this. I sit and I wait. Looking back right now, I wish I had done so many things different. So many things I wish I had just done instead of over think them. I wish I could have let go of all my fears, my memories that I blamed so many others for, then took my blame out on others I loved. I wish I had not been so fearful, so unable to accept, so ready to point a finger, so ready to hide and not allow myself to open up. I wish I had taken out the anger, the hate and the punishment, the blame and constant fighting over really nothing. I wish I could have just come to terms with things easier, been more open with my own fears, not hidden them from the ones I loved, who now can easily just blame. I guess my pride has fallen down, feeling vulnerable and alone.
It’s very quiet here. Nothing moving except me and the keys on the board. I can hear the wind outside, blowing and swaying the trees. My biggest fear is that I never get to say the things I think I needed to say. I guess its like a book that someone has written but never really explained a certain persons feelings. And I think that fear in me is that I will never be able to say what I’ve needed to say.
Over the past year, I have fought my toughest battle. One I never thought I would ever go through. I never would have thought in my life I would be faced with something like this. When I found out I had Cancer, I truly thought it was just one of those things. Something that would just go away with the right treatment and medication. As time passed on, and the news kept coming back negative, I started to retreat inwards, slowing moving away from everyone and everything. Treatments came and the went, medication was lowered and raised, a few good words once in awhile, but more negative than anything. Now, it has started to spread, and tomorrow I go in for another surgery. This one cuts deeper, more removal and searches for what else there may be hidden inside of me. When I was told of the results, I really was general with everyone. But when my doctors told me what the truth was, I just couldn’t understand. I blew it off, or I should say I made everyone think I did, when all it did was kill me inside, kill off any feelings I had. I call this my shut down, my lock down, my personal protection. I just kept saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, just one more surgery, nothing big, no worries, nothing to be frighten about, just a little surgery” but all I could do was close myself off and now I chose to face this all alone. This will be the whopper one, as my mom like to say. It’s easier for me, not to see the people I love, feel like they can’t do anything to help. It’s easier on me to have them mad and upset, pissed and anger than let their hearts hurt as mine does. It’s been easier on me to just write in my journal each day of my feels, shame and pain than to express them to anyone. But now, I feel that I may not ever get to say my feels again so I’m expressing them here, so if you or anyone you know has to go though all of this, you know the right thing and the wrong things to do.
I feel the guilt and shame now for running away. I know I’ve let the people I love down and have left them wondering why I’m completely shut off and non sensitive to what they say. Mostly I feel sad that I was never able to open myself up and just express how I truly felt. Why I choice to do what I did instead of just choosing to not care and walk way. I mostly think if I had opened up, would I feel the way I do or would it be the same feelings inside of me. Today, of all days, I have seen myself for who I truly am, for who I’ve become and who I could have been if I had just said I had something to say. But today is almost over, and all I my pride will allow is me to justify this in these short words.
I also can remember a conversation I had recently with a good friend of mine who asked me if I thought I had remorse of my actions or decision of my expressions. They also asked if had to courage to say how I felt to a certain person. I simply said “My courage was displaced over the past year, hidden deep were my feelings of not being able to forgive, pointing a finger of blame easier than myself taking the blame, like being locked in a shell that I could not break. My remorse is that I never broke that shell and opened up to how I truly felt.” I later said “If I was given the chance to change things, I would have and would have learned that love does conquer all.”
So night has fallen now and I’m going to go outside and just sit and watch the moon. Hopping that it will give me something that I can hold onto again. I am terrified, almost destroyed inside of what I am feeling. Mostly afraid that I’m going to just be a broke shell, that one person who is not able to let herself live again. I’m frighten and distraught, worried of what tomorrow brings, wondering if I’m going to be able to go outside and look at the moon again.
I’m a shattered person, more so than I’ve ever been. I’m sorry that I ran, I’m sorry that I just could not find the right words to express. My tears at this point are guiding my words, and I know it’s too late for the “I love’s yous and hugs and xoxo’s.”
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Purgatory
Purgatory
I’m damned …. Damned to no end …. Damned to hell ….Damned to Purgatory
Damned to Earth …. Damned to no end….
Does this rock we call home, is it so bad? Is there a meaning deep in the core rocks that tells us our fate? Why do we search for our entire lives for a place that may or may not exist. But we as people are so easy to place blame. For if you don’t believe then off to hell and be shamed.
If we are so quick to sentence a person…“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS” …then why does the question remain of purgatory in my head? Would you damn your mother to a waiting room decorated by hell? Would you damn your father to a place of the dead? Would you sentence your grandparents to a place where all time can do is wait?
Are you truly damned if thinking outside of the box? Are you so caught up in your own life that you are going to be saved just because you’ve read a book? Do you think calling or singing out your holy names, that Christ Your Savior is continuing taking all your pain away? Do you think that life has only one meaning? Do you think that praying to a leather bound book is the only answer?
I’m damned either way I look at it. To hell, to purgatory or to just lay dead. Would it not make sense to think man created god? Would it not make sense to wonder if there was a god who created him?
To hell you first say for my comments that lay on this simple page of paper. You condemned me now for speaking out loud and documenting my behavior. Damned to hell, off I go, and no forgiveness is allowed. I sit on the stones of the murders and thief’s and take no water or rest for my weary bones.
What if I was shackled to purgatory? Rushed off in a hurry so faith doesn’t know I’ve questioned anything. To sit and wait, for a reply of my fate, to ponder and pray for forgiveness. Time has no meaning, just wait and wait, for redemption or damned to hell. While decisions are made, I still have to sit and wait and make out a list of examples of what a terrible person I’ve been for damning thy name.
Damned to Earth for the rest of its life. Roaming around to find the answers I question inside. Search the word in a sphere, round and round I may go, not knowing if any one question I ask may turn into a laughing show. Walk the ends of the earth to find that one true answer that we all are in search of. Damned to a question with no answer to be found. Buried or burned, mummified or scattered, the truth does no lye on this soil that we call earth.
For these three things I question all the time, for hell is nothing more than a purgatory in which lies on earth soil. Wrapped in a tainted view of one’s on perception. Faith is nothing more than a concept to protect our own salvation. We damned ourselves to this eternal flame of questioning who are creator is or was or could be one day. Take life for what it is, nothing more than a purgatory shackled in mixture of earth and hell.
PkS ~ 2003
I’m damned …. Damned to no end …. Damned to hell ….Damned to Purgatory
Damned to Earth …. Damned to no end….
Does this rock we call home, is it so bad? Is there a meaning deep in the core rocks that tells us our fate? Why do we search for our entire lives for a place that may or may not exist. But we as people are so easy to place blame. For if you don’t believe then off to hell and be shamed.
If we are so quick to sentence a person…“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS” …then why does the question remain of purgatory in my head? Would you damn your mother to a waiting room decorated by hell? Would you damn your father to a place of the dead? Would you sentence your grandparents to a place where all time can do is wait?
Are you truly damned if thinking outside of the box? Are you so caught up in your own life that you are going to be saved just because you’ve read a book? Do you think calling or singing out your holy names, that Christ Your Savior is continuing taking all your pain away? Do you think that life has only one meaning? Do you think that praying to a leather bound book is the only answer?
I’m damned either way I look at it. To hell, to purgatory or to just lay dead. Would it not make sense to think man created god? Would it not make sense to wonder if there was a god who created him?
To hell you first say for my comments that lay on this simple page of paper. You condemned me now for speaking out loud and documenting my behavior. Damned to hell, off I go, and no forgiveness is allowed. I sit on the stones of the murders and thief’s and take no water or rest for my weary bones.
What if I was shackled to purgatory? Rushed off in a hurry so faith doesn’t know I’ve questioned anything. To sit and wait, for a reply of my fate, to ponder and pray for forgiveness. Time has no meaning, just wait and wait, for redemption or damned to hell. While decisions are made, I still have to sit and wait and make out a list of examples of what a terrible person I’ve been for damning thy name.
Damned to Earth for the rest of its life. Roaming around to find the answers I question inside. Search the word in a sphere, round and round I may go, not knowing if any one question I ask may turn into a laughing show. Walk the ends of the earth to find that one true answer that we all are in search of. Damned to a question with no answer to be found. Buried or burned, mummified or scattered, the truth does no lye on this soil that we call earth.
For these three things I question all the time, for hell is nothing more than a purgatory in which lies on earth soil. Wrapped in a tainted view of one’s on perception. Faith is nothing more than a concept to protect our own salvation. We damned ourselves to this eternal flame of questioning who are creator is or was or could be one day. Take life for what it is, nothing more than a purgatory shackled in mixture of earth and hell.
PkS ~ 2003
Let Me
Let me…
Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me whispering softly spoken words
That reminds you of my affection
Let me grace the back of you neck
With a whisp of two finger tips
And show you a gentler side of my emotions
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me caress your body slowly
Each ticklish curve and every bend
Let me grace your entire back
With a whisp of my finger tips
Let me show you my erotic side of affections
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
Let me tease and torture you in fetish delights
Let me shower you in a soft moon light
Let me infringe on your privacy
Let me spoil your last whim
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
PkS ~ 2003 ©
Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me whispering softly spoken words
That reminds you of my affection
Let me grace the back of you neck
With a whisp of two finger tips
And show you a gentler side of my emotions
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me caress your body slowly
Each ticklish curve and every bend
Let me grace your entire back
With a whisp of my finger tips
Let me show you my erotic side of affections
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
Let me tease and torture you in fetish delights
Let me shower you in a soft moon light
Let me infringe on your privacy
Let me spoil your last whim
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
PkS ~ 2003 ©
Oh Father
Oh Father
So many questions, never enough time
So many unanswered thoughts run threw my mind
Fainted traces of a pleasant childhood
Tortured memories of a non so pleasant parenthood
Were you intentions so much greater than mine
Were your beliefs so gracious and tantalize
Did you ever wonder about your actions that would remain
Did you ever just call out my name
When did you realize that fatherhood was not a blessing in disguise
When did choose to destroy you families entire lives
Who did you think you were in taunting the people you love
Who gave you the right to demolish your only chance at pure love
You birthed and fostered a hatred deep inside
You took away the passion of a little girls cries
You destroyed and ravaged the sanity of one little girl
You broke the bonds of parenthood by flipping off the world
Even though you are gone from here, you still taught me in my dreams
Memories of a burned out man who was nothing but a shame
Even though you have left this world, you left your mark on this little girl
I hold the anger and shame of you within my deepest thoughts that rage and swirl
When I get the chance, I will visit your grave
When I get the courage to be brave
When I get this chance, I will show you what I’ve become
A woman who has grown past your evil and has sir come
Beauty out of evil has branched out of me
Resurrected passions, letting the past overcome me
A chance to finally be free is my only saving grace
Of letting you stay buried, rotting and feasting off your own taste
PkS ~ 2003 ©
So many questions, never enough time
So many unanswered thoughts run threw my mind
Fainted traces of a pleasant childhood
Tortured memories of a non so pleasant parenthood
Were you intentions so much greater than mine
Were your beliefs so gracious and tantalize
Did you ever wonder about your actions that would remain
Did you ever just call out my name
When did you realize that fatherhood was not a blessing in disguise
When did choose to destroy you families entire lives
Who did you think you were in taunting the people you love
Who gave you the right to demolish your only chance at pure love
You birthed and fostered a hatred deep inside
You took away the passion of a little girls cries
You destroyed and ravaged the sanity of one little girl
You broke the bonds of parenthood by flipping off the world
Even though you are gone from here, you still taught me in my dreams
Memories of a burned out man who was nothing but a shame
Even though you have left this world, you left your mark on this little girl
I hold the anger and shame of you within my deepest thoughts that rage and swirl
When I get the chance, I will visit your grave
When I get the courage to be brave
When I get this chance, I will show you what I’ve become
A woman who has grown past your evil and has sir come
Beauty out of evil has branched out of me
Resurrected passions, letting the past overcome me
A chance to finally be free is my only saving grace
Of letting you stay buried, rotting and feasting off your own taste
PkS ~ 2003 ©
Monday, October 20, 2003
Each Day
Each day I sit and wait and watch… I see the hands on the clock… They move east as I move west, I catch myself wondering when they’ll miss…Fruitful thinking of a mind gone mad…. One white jacket ordered…..For me at Last!
PkS 2003 ©
PkS 2003 ©
Forbidden God
Forbidden God
Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
You ask me to surrender my faith and walk with you in the shadows
You ask me to surrender my believes and tend for only your breathless notions
Follow my lead and take my last breath for it is sacred with purity
Swallow my last breath and taste my last wish upon this countless cycle of epiphany
Deemed me to walk with my brothers and sisters who shall take no name
Who talk no name and pray to no name for this is our savor, our damnation, our choice
Take my dreams away as punishment
Take my soul away for it will resurrect
Take my body bleeding for I fight for who I shall name as my God
Take me to temptation and tease me for I choice my God
Continue to walk endlessly threw the patch of darkness
For I shall stand here alone and let you die with no vain of my soul
You are nothing more than a coward who feeds off of ones frenzies
You search the earth for weakness, for this is your true calling
You haunt the will and taunt the name of anyone who walks along your path
You tease for acceptance, knowing one will sub come eventually
For I stand before you and calm now that you are not my God
For I am strong and can see your weakness
For I stand before you and show you how powerless you are
For if you were my God, would you have to thieve and steal purity from within
For if you were my God, would you stand before me and call for my forgiveness
For if you were a God, you would stand before me praying on behave of themselves
For if you were a God, you would stand before us all with sorrow and disbarment
You would not hind behind the lining of a book nor allow a feed of frenzied
You would not hind in words of dislike and torture, death to be taken so easily
Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
I wake to find you have shown yourself face to face to me
I find you have stolen nothing but an identity
I seize you back to where you come
I damned you back to your feral land
PkS © 2003
Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
You ask me to surrender my faith and walk with you in the shadows
You ask me to surrender my believes and tend for only your breathless notions
Follow my lead and take my last breath for it is sacred with purity
Swallow my last breath and taste my last wish upon this countless cycle of epiphany
Deemed me to walk with my brothers and sisters who shall take no name
Who talk no name and pray to no name for this is our savor, our damnation, our choice
Take my dreams away as punishment
Take my soul away for it will resurrect
Take my body bleeding for I fight for who I shall name as my God
Take me to temptation and tease me for I choice my God
Continue to walk endlessly threw the patch of darkness
For I shall stand here alone and let you die with no vain of my soul
You are nothing more than a coward who feeds off of ones frenzies
You search the earth for weakness, for this is your true calling
You haunt the will and taunt the name of anyone who walks along your path
You tease for acceptance, knowing one will sub come eventually
For I stand before you and calm now that you are not my God
For I am strong and can see your weakness
For I stand before you and show you how powerless you are
For if you were my God, would you have to thieve and steal purity from within
For if you were my God, would you stand before me and call for my forgiveness
For if you were a God, you would stand before me praying on behave of themselves
For if you were a God, you would stand before us all with sorrow and disbarment
You would not hind behind the lining of a book nor allow a feed of frenzied
You would not hind in words of dislike and torture, death to be taken so easily
Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
I wake to find you have shown yourself face to face to me
I find you have stolen nothing but an identity
I seize you back to where you come
I damned you back to your feral land
PkS © 2003
Subsequently Life
Subsequently Life
Always later it seemed to be
Time just walked away from me
Staring at the bedroom wall
I see my reflection begin to fall
Here is where I needed to be
There is where I lead my belief
Where is now the time has escaped me
Time is just a release of being free
Wide eyed and open to the world
This subsequently life is of a bore
Legacies pasted down from generations to generations
Forgotten secrets of ones own past and damnation
Walk with me for a while as I tell me tale
Of a life of persecution I know so well
Tempt me to tell my story of a child lost at sea
Tortured my inter being and let her go free
Always later it seemed to be
Time just walked away from me
Staring threw my eyes with shame
This subsequently life goes up in flames
PkS~ 2003 ©
Always later it seemed to be
Time just walked away from me
Staring at the bedroom wall
I see my reflection begin to fall
Here is where I needed to be
There is where I lead my belief
Where is now the time has escaped me
Time is just a release of being free
Wide eyed and open to the world
This subsequently life is of a bore
Legacies pasted down from generations to generations
Forgotten secrets of ones own past and damnation
Walk with me for a while as I tell me tale
Of a life of persecution I know so well
Tempt me to tell my story of a child lost at sea
Tortured my inter being and let her go free
Always later it seemed to be
Time just walked away from me
Staring threw my eyes with shame
This subsequently life goes up in flames
PkS~ 2003 ©
Sunday, October 19, 2003
Treasured Illusion
Treasured Illusion
Shattered memories of a forgotten pain
Lost in limbo trapped in an eternal flame
Darken dreams of endless flights
Perched legacies that seem so bright
Drifting off slowly into a deeper sleep
Trying to navigate where I want to be
Chasing the shadows that frighten me so
Finding my redemption to gain control
Running with the towering falls
Faithless fairies juggling whimsical balls
White clouds of angel dusted sands
Swept off to my never never land
Singing with the elegance of light
Hearing the humming birds wings take flight
Daisy grown pastures of motionless breeze
Smelling the apricots before the winters freeze
Watching the stars shooting across the orange lit sky
Catching weeping tears that fall softly to the ground as I lye
Seeing a glimpse of ancient cities that lay beneath
Running my hands across their ruins shacking in disbelief
Here is where I relinquish myself
Lost in a treasured illusion beyond all else
Dreaming of this peaceful majestic place
Countless times for me to run away
PkS ~ 2003
Shattered memories of a forgotten pain
Lost in limbo trapped in an eternal flame
Darken dreams of endless flights
Perched legacies that seem so bright
Drifting off slowly into a deeper sleep
Trying to navigate where I want to be
Chasing the shadows that frighten me so
Finding my redemption to gain control
Running with the towering falls
Faithless fairies juggling whimsical balls
White clouds of angel dusted sands
Swept off to my never never land
Singing with the elegance of light
Hearing the humming birds wings take flight
Daisy grown pastures of motionless breeze
Smelling the apricots before the winters freeze
Watching the stars shooting across the orange lit sky
Catching weeping tears that fall softly to the ground as I lye
Seeing a glimpse of ancient cities that lay beneath
Running my hands across their ruins shacking in disbelief
Here is where I relinquish myself
Lost in a treasured illusion beyond all else
Dreaming of this peaceful majestic place
Countless times for me to run away
PkS ~ 2003
Shake me with Guilty Hands
Shake me with guilty hands
Chill from yester year with ponder look
Fast the sleepless night aproaches
Yet you are still with demons in thought.
Follow the sled to forgotten times,
This maybe your only demise.
~ PKS
Chill from yester year with ponder look
Fast the sleepless night aproaches
Yet you are still with demons in thought.
Follow the sled to forgotten times,
This maybe your only demise.
~ PKS
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing will be like it was
Nothing could be like it is
Nothing can change the distance between us
Nothing can persist
Sorrowed by the anger
Saddened by the pain
Sympathy for unspoken words
Sickened by it all with the little bull shit games
Remembrance for the suffering
Remembrance for the gain
Shallow minded both we were
Both ignorant of the pain
You are both friend and foe
You wear both masks and scarves
We are both guilty
Hiding our true feelings of who we are
Is it appropriate to love each other?
Is it appropriate to justify the emotions?
Is it appropriate to do anything?
Or is it better to let sleeping dogs’ lye?
Nothing would be a hard thing to forget for nothing would be like it was
Nothing would run away from you for nothing could be like it is
Nothing would be frighten for nothing is between us except a small distance of land
Nothing could scare me away from the persistence of love that I have to give
PkS 2003
Nothing will be like it was
Nothing could be like it is
Nothing can change the distance between us
Nothing can persist
Sorrowed by the anger
Saddened by the pain
Sympathy for unspoken words
Sickened by it all with the little bull shit games
Remembrance for the suffering
Remembrance for the gain
Shallow minded both we were
Both ignorant of the pain
You are both friend and foe
You wear both masks and scarves
We are both guilty
Hiding our true feelings of who we are
Is it appropriate to love each other?
Is it appropriate to justify the emotions?
Is it appropriate to do anything?
Or is it better to let sleeping dogs’ lye?
Nothing would be a hard thing to forget for nothing would be like it was
Nothing would run away from you for nothing could be like it is
Nothing would be frighten for nothing is between us except a small distance of land
Nothing could scare me away from the persistence of love that I have to give
PkS 2003
Thinking of You
Thinking of you…
I think of you every now or then. Remembering the times we shared and laughed without a care or whim. I remember the softness you so graciously instrumented; like a beautiful orchestra at midnight playing a song we both would remember.
I think of you still from time to time. I remember your solid words of encouragement; the feelings and thoughts that always made me crumb inside. I would lose my fear, lose my intentions of waiting; I would run wildly in thought for a passionate grasp of you’re reality.
I remember how you use to care for me, always asking the right questions; waiting for that once spoken word that brought you enjoyment with a mix of complexity. You seemed fearless of my answers, knowing some deepened understanding. You waited so gently for that last breath to be whispered, like a whisping willow gracing the shadows of a lost world sleeping.
You were my sounding board for life’s little corks. You kept me grounded and surrounded with feelings of love and positive thoughts. You were my best friend, my buddy, the one I could see. You were my soul, my thought, you were my everything.
I think of you every now or then, truthfully it’s more like each moment I’m awake from the deadness I live in. Even when I’m dreaming, I still think of you as it was real, not willing to wake from the dream that has become my surreal.
Sometimes you are in the corner of that dream, mouth shut and quiet. Other times you are with me, hand in hand, face to face, expressing how you truly feel, not holding onto our mistakes. I wake from the dream, not knowing if I’m able to grasp, wondering if it meant something or if it’s going to disappear into the past.
Though I think of you from time to time, I have moved into a clearer state of mind. I see the past as it once stood still, knowing now that your were never real. I think of what could have been, where the fork in the road made its bend. I wonder if I was ready and willing or could it be a path of conciseness that I’m finally quitting.
PkS 2002 ©
I think of you every now or then. Remembering the times we shared and laughed without a care or whim. I remember the softness you so graciously instrumented; like a beautiful orchestra at midnight playing a song we both would remember.
I think of you still from time to time. I remember your solid words of encouragement; the feelings and thoughts that always made me crumb inside. I would lose my fear, lose my intentions of waiting; I would run wildly in thought for a passionate grasp of you’re reality.
I remember how you use to care for me, always asking the right questions; waiting for that once spoken word that brought you enjoyment with a mix of complexity. You seemed fearless of my answers, knowing some deepened understanding. You waited so gently for that last breath to be whispered, like a whisping willow gracing the shadows of a lost world sleeping.
You were my sounding board for life’s little corks. You kept me grounded and surrounded with feelings of love and positive thoughts. You were my best friend, my buddy, the one I could see. You were my soul, my thought, you were my everything.
I think of you every now or then, truthfully it’s more like each moment I’m awake from the deadness I live in. Even when I’m dreaming, I still think of you as it was real, not willing to wake from the dream that has become my surreal.
Sometimes you are in the corner of that dream, mouth shut and quiet. Other times you are with me, hand in hand, face to face, expressing how you truly feel, not holding onto our mistakes. I wake from the dream, not knowing if I’m able to grasp, wondering if it meant something or if it’s going to disappear into the past.
Though I think of you from time to time, I have moved into a clearer state of mind. I see the past as it once stood still, knowing now that your were never real. I think of what could have been, where the fork in the road made its bend. I wonder if I was ready and willing or could it be a path of conciseness that I’m finally quitting.
PkS 2002 ©
Love is a Gamble
Love is a Gamble
Love is a gamble
Kissing is the game
Boys do the screwing
Girls get the blame
One night of pleasure
Nice months of pain
Three days in the hospital
A little boy or girl to name
It all started when a boy
Gets a girl against the wall
Pulls down her reputation
Sticks in his education
Adds to a new population
Of a younger generation
The boys are the BASTARDS
The girls are the WHORES
The stupid little fucker wouldn’t be here
If the little rubber didn’t tore
PkS~1988 ©
Love is a gamble
Kissing is the game
Boys do the screwing
Girls get the blame
One night of pleasure
Nice months of pain
Three days in the hospital
A little boy or girl to name
It all started when a boy
Gets a girl against the wall
Pulls down her reputation
Sticks in his education
Adds to a new population
Of a younger generation
The boys are the BASTARDS
The girls are the WHORES
The stupid little fucker wouldn’t be here
If the little rubber didn’t tore
PkS~1988 ©
Valley of Self Demise
Valley of self demise
A selfless act, a wondering path, a child runs to her mother for protection once more, a woman begs her spouse to end the violence, a man rolls his sleeves to get one more hit in before he realizes what act he as commenced, an employee throws herself into her work to stop countless acts of wrath hands, a gentle hand brushes along the bowed back to caress the pain that has generated, a trapped state of coherences, forgotten places, trouble signs, screams running threw my mind… these are all the views of my self demise.
Waking in a cold sweat, shaking hands and a feverish head, twitching at the smallest beats, washing out the hate before touching a living thing, reviewing the bruises and scars before each daybreak, checking for blood spats against the wall, hand prints in the sand to wash way the memories, applying make-up to hide the marks, paranoia at every turn, closing myself off to resist anymore… these are all the views of my self demise.
Kicking and screaming in anger to stop, hearing the countless sessions of mouthing off, lay on the cement praying it will end, waiting for rescue as the fists belt down again, watching the booze be grossly consumed, covering my eyes for shattered pieces of glass as they fly by, letting the blood drip slowly off my face, counting the drops as they hit the ground in a rhythm pace, watching the evil pounce yet for another blow… these are the views of my self demise.
Watching the time pass each day, wondering when I will be able to walk away, looking at the past, recognizing the anger I hold within for the carelessness I allowed myself to guide in, slowly taking control of my life again, still hiding behind the chill of silences when alone at night, praying for the answer of how to return, deciding which direction to lead myself, following my screams in the dark, dreaming of a peace within my heart, knowing it will come eventually as I continue to wonder down the valley of my self demise.
A selfless act, a wondering path, a child runs to her mother for protection once more, a woman begs her spouse to end the violence, a man rolls his sleeves to get one more hit in before he realizes what act he as commenced, an employee throws herself into her work to stop countless acts of wrath hands, a gentle hand brushes along the bowed back to caress the pain that has generated, a trapped state of coherences, forgotten places, trouble signs, screams running threw my mind… these are all the views of my self demise.
Waking in a cold sweat, shaking hands and a feverish head, twitching at the smallest beats, washing out the hate before touching a living thing, reviewing the bruises and scars before each daybreak, checking for blood spats against the wall, hand prints in the sand to wash way the memories, applying make-up to hide the marks, paranoia at every turn, closing myself off to resist anymore… these are all the views of my self demise.
Kicking and screaming in anger to stop, hearing the countless sessions of mouthing off, lay on the cement praying it will end, waiting for rescue as the fists belt down again, watching the booze be grossly consumed, covering my eyes for shattered pieces of glass as they fly by, letting the blood drip slowly off my face, counting the drops as they hit the ground in a rhythm pace, watching the evil pounce yet for another blow… these are the views of my self demise.
Watching the time pass each day, wondering when I will be able to walk away, looking at the past, recognizing the anger I hold within for the carelessness I allowed myself to guide in, slowly taking control of my life again, still hiding behind the chill of silences when alone at night, praying for the answer of how to return, deciding which direction to lead myself, following my screams in the dark, dreaming of a peace within my heart, knowing it will come eventually as I continue to wonder down the valley of my self demise.
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
OMG
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG (thats all I had to say).... Once again for the hearing impaired.... OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
Experience
Experience ~
Blog me this.... I know your dying to know.... what dirty little secrets I will show.... Find the hidden arrow.... that opens my mind... there you will find..... a sexual experience unlike any other kind…
Find the dancing rabbit behind the glass house…. There you will see a white sheet with clouds all around… Lay down on the bed and fall fast asleep…. Wait for me there…. To find a pleasure that can’t be beat….
Getting aroused from this game of words??? I bet you are… wondering where my thoughts are as I twist my long blonde hair??? Wonder if I slowly caressed my legs before I glided my hands towards my garden??? Wonder if I arched my back to bring myself more pleasure???
Find the dancing rabbit behind the glass house…. There you will see a peek of my pleasure any time, anywhere…. Touch me softly in a rhythm that we both can enjoy… Hold onto my thoughts as I take a deep dive….
Getting aroused yet??? I should hope you are…. I’m tempted to stop here to experience my own thrill… But when I return I will finish you off…. Sticky fingers are a pleasure…. Rock hardness is a must!!!!!!
Blog me this.... I know your dying to know.... what dirty little secrets I will show.... Find the hidden arrow.... that opens my mind... there you will find..... a sexual experience unlike any other kind…
Find the dancing rabbit behind the glass house…. There you will see a white sheet with clouds all around… Lay down on the bed and fall fast asleep…. Wait for me there…. To find a pleasure that can’t be beat….
Getting aroused from this game of words??? I bet you are… wondering where my thoughts are as I twist my long blonde hair??? Wonder if I slowly caressed my legs before I glided my hands towards my garden??? Wonder if I arched my back to bring myself more pleasure???
Find the dancing rabbit behind the glass house…. There you will see a peek of my pleasure any time, anywhere…. Touch me softly in a rhythm that we both can enjoy… Hold onto my thoughts as I take a deep dive….
Getting aroused yet??? I should hope you are…. I’m tempted to stop here to experience my own thrill… But when I return I will finish you off…. Sticky fingers are a pleasure…. Rock hardness is a must!!!!!!
Tomorrow
Tomorrow ~
Tomorrow you will ask me the same question as today, as the day before this and the day before that. You seem to state a belittling means to undermine my answer of tomorrow’s gain. Yet you are bound to find no clarity in my words so the question will remain asked again in a tomorrow tone.
~ PkS 2003 ©
Tomorrow you will ask me the same question as today, as the day before this and the day before that. You seem to state a belittling means to undermine my answer of tomorrow’s gain. Yet you are bound to find no clarity in my words so the question will remain asked again in a tomorrow tone.
~ PkS 2003 ©
Why
Why~
Who am I to question why…
The world may seem so bizarre
Who am I to question why…
The sky turns so poetic at night
Who am I to question why…
Life is nothing more than it seems
Who am I to question why…
The sun will rise to wake me one more time
Thousands of questions ponder my mind
Scattered remnants frantic to find
A single answer to my search of understanding
Why oh why does it take so much time
Five more times I am question my reasoning of why
Four more tells of trying to hide the answers that are bound to find a meaning inside
Two hinder your beliefs and runs full swing
Three mornings of drizzling ring out to sing
But who am I to wonder why…
The world is what it is, at least tonight
Spoke in tongue, Fiery in words
Why oh why not just explain the world in my eyes
Who am I to question why…
The sky is forbidden to touch at any site
Who am I to question why…
The ground is solid, hard yet so easy to glide
Who am I to question why…
The gentle breeze that swept me off my feet is just a beckon calm of inter peace
Why to question is why to speak
Forgotten questions, forgotten peaks
Twisted circles, frail cracks in the equations
Whispered answers to my pondering behavior
Why oh why does it take so much time
Why oh why do I have to ask why
Who am I to question why
Why oh why brotherly why
~ PkS 2003 ©
Who am I to question why…
The world may seem so bizarre
Who am I to question why…
The sky turns so poetic at night
Who am I to question why…
Life is nothing more than it seems
Who am I to question why…
The sun will rise to wake me one more time
Thousands of questions ponder my mind
Scattered remnants frantic to find
A single answer to my search of understanding
Why oh why does it take so much time
Five more times I am question my reasoning of why
Four more tells of trying to hide the answers that are bound to find a meaning inside
Two hinder your beliefs and runs full swing
Three mornings of drizzling ring out to sing
But who am I to wonder why…
The world is what it is, at least tonight
Spoke in tongue, Fiery in words
Why oh why not just explain the world in my eyes
Who am I to question why…
The sky is forbidden to touch at any site
Who am I to question why…
The ground is solid, hard yet so easy to glide
Who am I to question why…
The gentle breeze that swept me off my feet is just a beckon calm of inter peace
Why to question is why to speak
Forgotten questions, forgotten peaks
Twisted circles, frail cracks in the equations
Whispered answers to my pondering behavior
Why oh why does it take so much time
Why oh why do I have to ask why
Who am I to question why
Why oh why brotherly why
~ PkS 2003 ©
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Hidden
Hidden ~
Hidden in the dark corners of my mind
Shadows lurk around trying to fine
That single place to land and develop
A feast frenzy of darkness not attracted to light
Take me to shallow ground
Place me in a the earth as I lay bound
Let the dirt be thrown over my casket of pine
Let the maggots feast and dine
Let me spoil and rot
Skin falls off
Hair elapse
Nothing more left than a pine box
Hidden in the dark corners of my mind
Shadows lurk around trying to fine
A single entrance to sanity
Jolted to life from a depth of tragedy
Tainted memories of a woman once know
Broken legacy of a time withdrawn
Lynched and burned for inter peace
Destruction surrounded tranquility
Spoiled remains
Piercing reframe
Pathetic freedom
Nothing more to remain
~ PkS 2003©
Hidden in the dark corners of my mind
Shadows lurk around trying to fine
That single place to land and develop
A feast frenzy of darkness not attracted to light
Take me to shallow ground
Place me in a the earth as I lay bound
Let the dirt be thrown over my casket of pine
Let the maggots feast and dine
Let me spoil and rot
Skin falls off
Hair elapse
Nothing more left than a pine box
Hidden in the dark corners of my mind
Shadows lurk around trying to fine
A single entrance to sanity
Jolted to life from a depth of tragedy
Tainted memories of a woman once know
Broken legacy of a time withdrawn
Lynched and burned for inter peace
Destruction surrounded tranquility
Spoiled remains
Piercing reframe
Pathetic freedom
Nothing more to remain
~ PkS 2003©
Monday, May 12, 2003
Bird
Woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head....
I'm not a morning person, get the picture
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head....
I'm not a morning person, get the picture
Today Beyond
Today beyond others you share one gift that others do not understand. You can take the breath that was given to you at birth, you can breath in and yet you have the choose to destroy yourself with one small action you do not treasure
~PkS
2002©
~PkS
2002©
Matter of Time
Matter of time:
It’s been the longest time since you were around
You’re always still on my mind
You have not escaped me, no, not in deed
You are still the kind loving person that I will always need
You knew me from my shell
You watched me grow
You watched me share all my feelings and thoughts
Even my wonders and ponders of the universe
You sat back and listened
You listened so well
You were always there, maybe not in body, but defiantly in soul
I have not forgotten your sweet, lavish touch
I always remembered how kind it was
Your silky palm touching my golden blonde hair
Your fingers so soft, always gently brushing the rim of my face
With all the care in the world, you did it with such grace
You always knew the perfect thing to say
You never liked that old stupid word game
You said it with meaning
You let everyone know
You never lead me down the slippery non-understanding road
The simplest words, the fact that you meant them, was the most I loved
The freedom of your discussion is what I admired most
And the fact that you always thought of me first
I miss you as you can see
What happened to our strange wonderful thing
Where did the time pass
I wonder if you still see me as you walk down the street
I wonder if you can still smell the sweetness of my breath
I wonder if you still think of me as each day has flown
I ponder if you still want to feel me, caress me, or even so lightly just kiss me
I can only say that this is what I want
It’s just a wish, a dream, a little selfish fetish
But the only thing I know for certain
Is if it’s possible, even so slightly
It’s just a matter…
… A matter of time
~PkS
2002 ©
It’s been the longest time since you were around
You’re always still on my mind
You have not escaped me, no, not in deed
You are still the kind loving person that I will always need
You knew me from my shell
You watched me grow
You watched me share all my feelings and thoughts
Even my wonders and ponders of the universe
You sat back and listened
You listened so well
You were always there, maybe not in body, but defiantly in soul
I have not forgotten your sweet, lavish touch
I always remembered how kind it was
Your silky palm touching my golden blonde hair
Your fingers so soft, always gently brushing the rim of my face
With all the care in the world, you did it with such grace
You always knew the perfect thing to say
You never liked that old stupid word game
You said it with meaning
You let everyone know
You never lead me down the slippery non-understanding road
The simplest words, the fact that you meant them, was the most I loved
The freedom of your discussion is what I admired most
And the fact that you always thought of me first
I miss you as you can see
What happened to our strange wonderful thing
Where did the time pass
I wonder if you still see me as you walk down the street
I wonder if you can still smell the sweetness of my breath
I wonder if you still think of me as each day has flown
I ponder if you still want to feel me, caress me, or even so lightly just kiss me
I can only say that this is what I want
It’s just a wish, a dream, a little selfish fetish
But the only thing I know for certain
Is if it’s possible, even so slightly
It’s just a matter…
… A matter of time
~PkS
2002 ©
Flinch
~Flinch~
What, it’s been over a decade since we meet.... It still feels like it was yesterday..... we only knew what was going on between each other.... we only bruised each other but the pain still is floating around in each of us.... you made me run and hide.... you made me retreat to a hidden place in my head.... you bite, you slapped, you fought with your fists, you kicked, you always made sure that the marks were not seen except by you.... proud of your art work, you took so much pride in it..... Bragging to your buddies on what a great man you were.... how long can a girl be tortured by you..... How long can a girl be haunted by you..... How long does it take before all the pain goes away.....you thought by just dropping in every once in a while that all would be forgiven..... You thought that going away as I asked would only make me want you again.... but you were sadly mistaken..... you didn't see it coming...... you didn't see that I learned to shut myself off to you.....even when you still held me down, you could not get close enough to make a difference.....you thought that if you stopped my heart may return, but you were sadly mistaken once again.... you threaten and stalked, you even decided to make good on a promise..... but after all that you did, broke as I am, you still can not get what you want out of me.....the acceptance that you desire, the love that you require, the trust and emotions that you think you need..... you took what should have been memories and turned them all into hate, devastation, boredom, and confusion......I always wanted for you want you wanted for yourself.... but we both knew from the start that neither one of us should be in the place we ended up..... Now the final chapter is closed, but yet the pain still lingers around..... Afraid of stepping out, without looking behind me, not trusting anyone because of what actions my lay ahead..... yes, thank you for breaking me down, for all your wonderful work you have done.... you have left me broken, but you still lost the battle, you still lost the war, you never gained what you always wanted, you never could get into my heart.... and yes thank you for your marks you left, I added a few of my own, but they are there just for me to remember what path not to follow again.....And even though we I sat for months and vacillated, I just took it all in, let you continue and still you are the one you has lost everything.....
~PkS
2002 ©
What, it’s been over a decade since we meet.... It still feels like it was yesterday..... we only knew what was going on between each other.... we only bruised each other but the pain still is floating around in each of us.... you made me run and hide.... you made me retreat to a hidden place in my head.... you bite, you slapped, you fought with your fists, you kicked, you always made sure that the marks were not seen except by you.... proud of your art work, you took so much pride in it..... Bragging to your buddies on what a great man you were.... how long can a girl be tortured by you..... How long can a girl be haunted by you..... How long does it take before all the pain goes away.....you thought by just dropping in every once in a while that all would be forgiven..... You thought that going away as I asked would only make me want you again.... but you were sadly mistaken..... you didn't see it coming...... you didn't see that I learned to shut myself off to you.....even when you still held me down, you could not get close enough to make a difference.....you thought that if you stopped my heart may return, but you were sadly mistaken once again.... you threaten and stalked, you even decided to make good on a promise..... but after all that you did, broke as I am, you still can not get what you want out of me.....the acceptance that you desire, the love that you require, the trust and emotions that you think you need..... you took what should have been memories and turned them all into hate, devastation, boredom, and confusion......I always wanted for you want you wanted for yourself.... but we both knew from the start that neither one of us should be in the place we ended up..... Now the final chapter is closed, but yet the pain still lingers around..... Afraid of stepping out, without looking behind me, not trusting anyone because of what actions my lay ahead..... yes, thank you for breaking me down, for all your wonderful work you have done.... you have left me broken, but you still lost the battle, you still lost the war, you never gained what you always wanted, you never could get into my heart.... and yes thank you for your marks you left, I added a few of my own, but they are there just for me to remember what path not to follow again.....And even though we I sat for months and vacillated, I just took it all in, let you continue and still you are the one you has lost everything.....
~PkS
2002 ©
Each Path
Each path I lay before myself, the decision is mine and mine alone. Determination and Will walk along with me as I make those decisions. If I should dismiss one or the other, then I have lost my way. But neither has dismissed me nor has forgotten to remind me that each decision I may make will later be a reflection, such as a mirror, into my soul.
~PkS
2002©
~PkS
2002©
Your Life is Closed Off
Your life is closed off, your touch is unreal, you feel nothing, you accept the impossible as truth, you care for nothing living, and you feed off of destruction and pain. You are my nightmare. Wake before the whispers of ones lost soul take the advantage of seeing you not in your true form, but as a master of savors…
~PkS
2002 ©
~PkS
2002 ©
Touch Me
Touch me as you once did. Take me now and show me pleasure mixed with the anger that you so gratified me with. Move the direction of your this rugged touch closer to me for a better look at the face of destruction in my mind. This will be your last touch, the last breath, and your last hour before I divide your simplest views and shut you out of my life…
~PkS
2002 ©
~PkS
2002 ©
Follow me to the Underworld
Follow me to the underworld; for I see what deep forgotten hearts you have tramped on. You will be taken not for your bold persistence, but for your knowledge of spearing hearts of young lives within ones soul…
~PkS
2002 ©
~PkS
2002 ©
Friday, March 14, 2003
Secret
Secret
I want to tell you a secret about me
One that may throw you into disbelief
It’s something that’s been on my mind
I just feel this is the precise time
I don’t want you to worry about me
I just feel that you need to see
That what I have to say is from my heart
So please don’t tier it all apart
You have always been there for me
Guiding me with your warmth, your love and energy
You have taken me out of my harms way
Praying for each caring moment that keep me awake
For my secret is nothing to worry about
Its just time I let it out
I want you to know and please never forget
That you are my love, my faith and the keeper of my heart
PkS ~ 2003 ©
I want to tell you a secret about me
One that may throw you into disbelief
It’s something that’s been on my mind
I just feel this is the precise time
I don’t want you to worry about me
I just feel that you need to see
That what I have to say is from my heart
So please don’t tier it all apart
You have always been there for me
Guiding me with your warmth, your love and energy
You have taken me out of my harms way
Praying for each caring moment that keep me awake
For my secret is nothing to worry about
Its just time I let it out
I want you to know and please never forget
That you are my love, my faith and the keeper of my heart
PkS ~ 2003 ©
Steel
Steel
Steel blade pressed against my skin
Shackled grin sickened by distress from within
Beginning to end, life takes what it must
It continues its pathetic little game to the end with every push
Push of steel against the cold softness of skin
Feeling your worries fall into a higher plane of conciseness
Moving with the motions of what life throws at you
Finding relief in your steel bladed friend you’ve adopted so soon
You can almost find yourself in ecstasy
Knowing that you will soon find relief to the endless pain
Reading the marks of redness slip into a surreal state of drowning
Your heart pounding in excitement with a sigh of pleasures bleeding
Living in a dream of uncertainty
Not knowing what is real or what is just fantasy
Late into the night you lock your doors knowing you are all alone
Just to live in a dream, waking an inevitable motion
Shredded tears as you met your defeat
Finding a sexual sense of excitement as your skin flies open in relief
Catch the drenching flow of sorrow finally leave your side
Watching the steel blade take it’s finally run to a lesser pain inside
PkS ~ 2003©
This was written to release pressure of anger towards what I fight each day right now. Nothing more than words that are written down on a peice of paper. For one person may thing this made be a state of mind, to another it might remind them of the pain we are afraid to open ourselves up with others.
Steel blade pressed against my skin
Shackled grin sickened by distress from within
Beginning to end, life takes what it must
It continues its pathetic little game to the end with every push
Push of steel against the cold softness of skin
Feeling your worries fall into a higher plane of conciseness
Moving with the motions of what life throws at you
Finding relief in your steel bladed friend you’ve adopted so soon
You can almost find yourself in ecstasy
Knowing that you will soon find relief to the endless pain
Reading the marks of redness slip into a surreal state of drowning
Your heart pounding in excitement with a sigh of pleasures bleeding
Living in a dream of uncertainty
Not knowing what is real or what is just fantasy
Late into the night you lock your doors knowing you are all alone
Just to live in a dream, waking an inevitable motion
Shredded tears as you met your defeat
Finding a sexual sense of excitement as your skin flies open in relief
Catch the drenching flow of sorrow finally leave your side
Watching the steel blade take it’s finally run to a lesser pain inside
PkS ~ 2003©
This was written to release pressure of anger towards what I fight each day right now. Nothing more than words that are written down on a peice of paper. For one person may thing this made be a state of mind, to another it might remind them of the pain we are afraid to open ourselves up with others.
Monday, February 24, 2003
Don't Know Why
Don't Know Why
I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don’t know why I didn’t come
When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you’ll be on my mind
Forever
Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I’ll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone
My heart is drenched in wine
But you’ll be on my mind
Forever
Something had to make you run
I don’t know why I didn’t come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don’t know why I didn’t come
I don’t know why I didn’t come
I don’t know why I didn’t come
~ Norah Jones 2002
I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don’t know why I didn’t come
When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you’ll be on my mind
Forever
Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I’ll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone
My heart is drenched in wine
But you’ll be on my mind
Forever
Something had to make you run
I don’t know why I didn’t come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don’t know why I didn’t come
I don’t know why I didn’t come
I don’t know why I didn’t come
~ Norah Jones 2002
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Treasured Illusion
Treasured Illusion
Shattered memories of a forgotten pain
Lost in limbo trapped in an eternal flame
Darken dreams of endless flights
Perched legacies that seem so bright
Drifting off slowly into a deeper sleep
Trying to navigate where I want to be
Chasing the shadows that frighten me so
Finding my redemption to gain control
Running with the towering falls
Faithless fairies juggling whimsical balls
White clouds of angel dusted sands
Swept off to my never never land
Singing with the elegance of light
Hearing the humming birds wings take flight
Daisy grown pastures of motionless breeze
Smelling the apricots before the winters freeze
Watching the stars shooting across the orange lit sky
Catching weeping tears that fall softly to the ground as I lye
Seeing a glimpse of ancient cities that lay beneath
Running my hands across their ruins shacking in disbelief
Here is where I relinquish myself
Lost in a treasured illusion beyond all else
Dreaming of this peaceful majestic place
Countless times for me to run away
PkS ~ 2003
Shattered memories of a forgotten pain
Lost in limbo trapped in an eternal flame
Darken dreams of endless flights
Perched legacies that seem so bright
Drifting off slowly into a deeper sleep
Trying to navigate where I want to be
Chasing the shadows that frighten me so
Finding my redemption to gain control
Running with the towering falls
Faithless fairies juggling whimsical balls
White clouds of angel dusted sands
Swept off to my never never land
Singing with the elegance of light
Hearing the humming birds wings take flight
Daisy grown pastures of motionless breeze
Smelling the apricots before the winters freeze
Watching the stars shooting across the orange lit sky
Catching weeping tears that fall softly to the ground as I lye
Seeing a glimpse of ancient cities that lay beneath
Running my hands across their ruins shacking in disbelief
Here is where I relinquish myself
Lost in a treasured illusion beyond all else
Dreaming of this peaceful majestic place
Countless times for me to run away
PkS ~ 2003
Monday, January 27, 2003
Finer Things
It seems as though the finer things are far too easy to spawn their wings.
Gold and diamond rings, to some, comprise the finer things.
Gold will shine in weathered time, far less bright when you’re in sight.
A diamond will cease to be, long before the love between you and me.
Far too simple are these tokens if never true words for Two are spoken.
It seems as though the finer things are always the things you bring to me.
EaB~2003
Gold and diamond rings, to some, comprise the finer things.
Gold will shine in weathered time, far less bright when you’re in sight.
A diamond will cease to be, long before the love between you and me.
Far too simple are these tokens if never true words for Two are spoken.
It seems as though the finer things are always the things you bring to me.
EaB~2003
Sunday, January 26, 2003
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing will be like it was
Nothing could be like it is
Nothing can change the distance between us
Nothing can persist
Sorrowed by the anger
Saddened by the pain
Sympathy for unspoken words
Sickened by it all with the little bull shit games
Remembrance for the suffering
Remembrance for the gain
Shallow minded both we were
Both ignorant of the pain
You are both friend and foe
You wear both masks and scarves
We are both guilty
Hiding our true feelings of who we are
Is it appropriate to love each other?
Is it appropriate to justify the emotions?
Is it appropriate to do anything?
Or is it better to let sleeping dogs’ lye?
Nothing would be a hard thing to forget for nothing would be like it was
Nothing would run away from you for nothing could be like it is
Nothing would be frighten for nothing is between us except a small distance of land
Nothing could scare me away from the persistence of love that I have to give
PkS 2003
Nothing will be like it was
Nothing could be like it is
Nothing can change the distance between us
Nothing can persist
Sorrowed by the anger
Saddened by the pain
Sympathy for unspoken words
Sickened by it all with the little bull shit games
Remembrance for the suffering
Remembrance for the gain
Shallow minded both we were
Both ignorant of the pain
You are both friend and foe
You wear both masks and scarves
We are both guilty
Hiding our true feelings of who we are
Is it appropriate to love each other?
Is it appropriate to justify the emotions?
Is it appropriate to do anything?
Or is it better to let sleeping dogs’ lye?
Nothing would be a hard thing to forget for nothing would be like it was
Nothing would run away from you for nothing could be like it is
Nothing would be frighten for nothing is between us except a small distance of land
Nothing could scare me away from the persistence of love that I have to give
PkS 2003
Saturday, January 04, 2003
Shake me with Guilty Hands
Shake me with guilty hands
Chill from yester year with ponder look
Fast the sleepless night aproaches
Yet you are still with demons in thought.
Follow the sled to forgotten times,
This maybe your only demise.
~ PKS
Chill from yester year with ponder look
Fast the sleepless night aproaches
Yet you are still with demons in thought.
Follow the sled to forgotten times,
This maybe your only demise.
~ PKS
Old Friend
Old Friend, what are you looking for?
After those many years abroad you come
With images you tended
Under foreign skies
Far away from your own land.
~ George Seferis
After those many years abroad you come
With images you tended
Under foreign skies
Far away from your own land.
~ George Seferis
Friday, January 03, 2003
The Emperor of Ice Cream
The Emperor of Ice Cream
Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in suck dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in the last month’s newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream.
Take from the dresser of deal,
Lacking the tree glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered three fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream.
~ Wallace Stevens
Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in suck dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in the last month’s newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream.
Take from the dresser of deal,
Lacking the tree glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered three fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream.
~ Wallace Stevens
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