Friday, January 27, 2006

Zotty's Potty Mouth Rendition of Life

Update~~

Ok all, as promised I have added my little “Zotty's Potty Mouth Rendition of Life” section. Take a look to the right and you will see the link. Now, like most of you know, I write a lot, more so that I would ever admit to and I have as of right now, 37 blogs. All for different things, but that’s just how I keep things separated. So, Insead of opening them all up or boring all of you to death, I have moved around some of the blogs, moved some of the names around and have decided to start a new one since it’s a new year!

Let me say now that anything read is unedited and just purly off the cuff so what ever I’m feeling at that particular moment is what I writen, so if you decide to read it, it’s your own fault. It’s not called “Zotty’s Potty Mouth Rendition of Life” for nothing.

If you see an “edit” marking, it simply means that I have transferred the items to another blogger and NOPE you can’t see it, so don’t even ask!

So…. With that said, have fun, no more asking or begging please, but since some of you are interested in little old me, have fun reading but I can’t say again, I TOLD YOU SO, when my mouth gets away from me!

Peace, Love and Zen ~~Zotty Out~~

Walks on the Edge


~Walks on the Edge ~

It’s not everyday that someone can look up and say “what in the hell am I doing”. It’s not every person’s life goal to acknowledge that maybe their choices in life, actions or choice to not take action leads them to a point in their lives where they stop, look around and say “hey, I’m about to topple over this edge if I get any closer”.

Funny how life just seems to pass daily, we each see the sun rise and fall, thinking that tomorrow may be a better day, sometimes thinking that all those little infractions in life will either just not be there tomorrow or maybe will be resolved over night without having to deal with them.

People walk on the edge daily without even noticing, walking towards a goal as they see it but later realize that the goal they thought they were so intent in making was completely over shot and fumbled. No score!!

Is it better to acknowledge the mistakes or better to just let them stay put away and just walk away from them? Is it better to “show face” and say “what in the hell am I doing, what was I thinking” and apologize to those who you may have hurt? Or is it easier to just keep walking the line, drawn in the sand, drawn by some unknown force that drives you until you get to a point where you can’t find yourself any longer?

Its all relative even if you don’t understand, especially when you don’t understand, It’s easier to just believe, you miss the point, you miss the door, you miss the belief, then fingers get pointed, the all of a sudden you see the edge that you’ve been walking on, without fully understanding how you got that far. Was it something so deep to believe in? Was it right for the day but the wrong decision that will affect you though out life? Does it really even matter any longer and walking on the edge brings relief to some degree since you know at any time it doesn’t matter if you leap. If you do choice to leap, does that necessarily mean you leaped on the wrong side of that edge? Is there actually a right or wrong side?

Walks farther on the edge, questioning every possible move, step by step, no notion of right or wrong, just knowing that walking easies the mind in asking so many questions of right or wrong.

Sometimes walking on that edge leads you to a frame of mind, where you can’t think straight, act insane or even be able to communicate. Hence, the phrase “Has she completely lost her mind” comes into play when thinking this. Could be? Could be not? Maybe it’s just the thoughts that aren’t able to be released or maybe it’s just not where they are all coherently functional and before you know it, and before you can even say anything, you are on that edge, trying so hard to at least get one thing stated but POOF there’s the edge again saying “nope, too close, don’t move or you’ll fall”.

Hell, I’m starting to think that if I bring my bed along, I can live on the edge of that line, since I’ve been hanging around it for so long. (Ponders… maybe a better night of sleep maybe??)

Funny thing too that I realized about walking on the edge, is how there are too many politics in just having a conversation about emotions or things you are feeling because everyone’s is ready to put you down rather than trying to understand how you feel. Everyone’s got a statement to make, but no one got time anymore to listen. Or better yet, the people you felt the safest with, the ones you thought you could talk to, seems to always be the ones who are first in line to stab you right in the back. But how true it is how things always come full circle in life. Things seem bleak, dark and “edgy” (no punt intended) but then something comes along, some times new, sometimes old but no matter what it is, it always seems to be there when you need it the most. Funny how that karma crap really happens!

So going back to what I was originally saying… Walks on the edge, do you sway one direction and face up to what you know you did wrong in the past and at least try to acknowledge it and say what you need to those you may have hurt? Or do you just sway to the other said, wobbling around, and think “eh tomorrow will come, bring something new so forget about the past”… And if that’s the case, when do empathy and acceptance, and admitting your mistakes and acknowledging them come into focus? Or does it ever?

Eh… For me, I have to much sappy crap fluttering around in my jarred head as I walk that edge thinking of right vs. wrong, yesterday, tomorrow, yes or no, left or right. Though I do see things from a much darker side than most, not willing at times, I do try to always lay faith in how people are redeemable in their actions or thoughts and how the past can be corrected to a certain degree even if it’s just from a simple talk.

Yea, I admit I walk that line, have for a while now, tottering back and forth, left to right wondering should I fall or should I just hold still and just wait. Frozen like a deer in headlights. I’m not an easy person (And yes you can insert “yes we know this” here). I think over matters to a point where they scare me off and guess what, I close that door and lock it before anyone ever knew I had one. SLAM right in the face. I know I’m far from perfect, and hell, I make mistakes ever day, but then it comes down to empathy and rectifying at least some of those mistakes that maybe you just regret more than anyone knows.

Yep, walks on that edge, thinks long and hard, not only for the visible but for those little hints that were there all the time that I’m so famous for not noticing. And thinking more and more about it, I don’t think I’m the only one who’s walking on that edge either. I think there are a lot of people thinking the same thing here because I know I’m not the only one with empathy towards situations and can accept that some things have been overblown or taken out of context or maybe just not communicated correctly. Hell, NONE of us are any better than the next person and everyone makes mistakes daily. OMG how maybe edges are we all walking on???

Yea so in closing, I get to walk on my edge a little more here. Things recently in my personal life have come up, dramatic changes have occurred and venting is needed. But as most of you know, I vent, yell, scream, blow smoke and then just take a breath; inhaul and just try to tell myself take it minute by minute and just relax. INHAUL… EXHAUL… yep, that works, then I'm totally over it, had my venting tantrum and then I just move on. All better, EXCEPT for that damn edge….

Ever feel like your walking round and round on that thing?


K, time for some sleep and with that I say something that I use to sign off…


PEACE, LOVE AND ZEN BABY ~~ Zotty OUT!

Ohhh…. Almost forgot so if you read this far down then you must also know I have been writing in a personal blog about my daily info and updates, deeper spur of the moment emotions, quick views and disapprovals of thinks. A few people have asked me if I would make public for them. So at the request I will have that public shortly. (HeHe I had to take out all the hate letters I’ve written to some of you) JUST JOKING!!


Sunday, January 22, 2006

Find Myself

Find Myself ~

I find myself drifting in an abandon sea
Adventurous by nature, paralyzed by defeat
Swaying with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in waves that are carried off with the breeze

Thrown against the rocks, jaggered edges of the bloody battle grounds
Waves torturing, demolishing every remaining ounce
Fearless, I carry on, holding onto a strength that is bound
Drifting in and out of conciseness, trembling, tired, I pray to be found

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…


Bruised and beaten from this tremendous terrain
I find myself constantly looking for one single gleam
I scurry around to find the source of light
Not knowing if it will ever appear in my fight

Countless hours seem to pass, rain pounding down like shattered glass
Dragged back and forth from the ocean breath, waiting patiently for my one chance
Washed ashore endless times, scared and bruised, mesmerized by the oceans commands
Dragged back out into an abandoned sea, pounding swales trying to rip apart me

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

Only fractures of myself remain, lost in a transition between the ocean and my personal strength
No longer afraid of what of the terrain lies ahead of me, knowing that my faith will always protect me
Mind over matter is all that remains, relentlessly fighting not wanting to give in
Waits for the waves to over take me, I take a breath and sink gentle in

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…


I find myself lowered to the depths of this abandon sea
Once adventurous by nature, now paralyzed by it’s defeat
Swaying so very gently with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in currents that run strong beneath the waves, I finally feel safe, I finally feel released


Waits for my last breath to dissipate …


PkS © 2005

Writers note:

Find myself was a very personal piece I actually have worked on and rewritten several times to define my true feelings of what I am experiencing. The nature of this piece is two fold, very complex and with a very deep meaning written within it.

It explains on a daily bases how I feel; trapped and fighting with no floatation device to be able to hold onto, and having to fight something that is much stronger than I am or have given up on the will at times to fight. Though each person has their own idea of how to deal with things, such as cancer, everyone will deal with it in their own way and accept the factors or cards as some people call them, in the best way they can. Defeated is mostly how I feel these days, too tired to continue the fight, but still have the occasional wind that kicks up in me where I will fight like hell.

Secondly, it invites faith and redemption of changes that may or may not have made a difference in my life. Could every action taken, actually have an equal opposite reaction? Was Sir Issac Newton correct in his third law of physics? Could the actions I have taken to withdraw, remove or banish the people I care the most and love in life, be a reaction? Was it easier on myself or them? Was it right? Or was it selfishness trying to protect anyone else from getting hurt along the way.

Though for some it’s easier to read and just see words. For others, they see the meaning and understand what is being said. It’s not easy to write actual feelings down from the depths of your soul and so raw in how you feel, however, since most of you have no clue how it feels, I thought I’d at least give you a taste of what a day feels like to me.

Someone very close to me once said “only if you could walk in my shoes and see things from my perspective”, I always respected that statement, and have tired on several occasions however, I always knew that they never understood my perspective. It’s much easier to look in the mirrored glass, but when it comes time to fully understand, every person who does commit to stand in someone else’s shoes, will choose a different path to see things. That is what makes it so beautiful, is that we all don’t see eye to eye but can at least respect how others feel or see the world.
I wonder sometimes if it’s possible to just put on one of those shoes, let the other person put on the other and you walk together to find the medium; possibility to help each other see, how it feels from each others eyes.

This is for all of you who can not stand in my shoes. But wondered on many occasions how it would be for a day.