The end is near… Darkness flows closer to my thoughts and memories. Destruction and dissolutions follow me… the end is drawing closer to my every thought. Beware of lucid dreams of time gone by, they are nothing but lies trying to pull you closer in to a dream that will never arise.
PkS 2004
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Saturday, March 27, 2004
Sleep? Whats sleep? Anyone got the answer? Me??? Sleep??? never sleep... Insomnia holds me tight, that and the bed bugs that continually bite!
IF you see one of the men in the Trench coats, that put up signs for lost animals... please tell them I'm waiting for my ride. They are late for their appointment, but who knows, Roland must be keeping them tired up. Anways, I will sit and wait, wait and sit, for the trench coated men to show up at my door.
Sleep well my young preys....
IF you see one of the men in the Trench coats, that put up signs for lost animals... please tell them I'm waiting for my ride. They are late for their appointment, but who knows, Roland must be keeping them tired up. Anways, I will sit and wait, wait and sit, for the trench coated men to show up at my door.
Sleep well my young preys....
Femme Violence
Femme Violence
Find me once lying on the bathroom floor
Find me twice kicked like the trash out the door
Find me a third time wondering down the street
Find me dead as I lay upon your feet
Thinking of me when you had me in your hands
Thinking of me as you beat me to shallow breath none the less
Thinking of me as you tortured my mind
Thinking of me as you slit my throat with a sharpened edge knife
Slap me senseless with marks to show the world
Slap me endlessness to show your power and growth
Slap me violently to the ground soaking in blood
Slap me repeatedly for no certain care, reason or whim
Beat me to deaths beckoned end
Beat me till my blood run thin
Beat me repeatedly till my last breath is gone
Beat me restlessly, continue with your fun
PkS © 2003
Note – These comments are the particular views of the writer, either from personal experience of her own or a way to release aggression, using a format of writing. The comments suggested above are not in anyway stating that violence is acceptable, in any standards. It is the view of the writer that the violence stated above should be read as fiction and should not be portrayed as an actual event(s). The writer holds no responsibilities, nor knowledge of events, if the above statement should coincide with personal experience(s) of the reader.
Find me once lying on the bathroom floor
Find me twice kicked like the trash out the door
Find me a third time wondering down the street
Find me dead as I lay upon your feet
Thinking of me when you had me in your hands
Thinking of me as you beat me to shallow breath none the less
Thinking of me as you tortured my mind
Thinking of me as you slit my throat with a sharpened edge knife
Slap me senseless with marks to show the world
Slap me endlessness to show your power and growth
Slap me violently to the ground soaking in blood
Slap me repeatedly for no certain care, reason or whim
Beat me to deaths beckoned end
Beat me till my blood run thin
Beat me repeatedly till my last breath is gone
Beat me restlessly, continue with your fun
PkS © 2003
Note – These comments are the particular views of the writer, either from personal experience of her own or a way to release aggression, using a format of writing. The comments suggested above are not in anyway stating that violence is acceptable, in any standards. It is the view of the writer that the violence stated above should be read as fiction and should not be portrayed as an actual event(s). The writer holds no responsibilities, nor knowledge of events, if the above statement should coincide with personal experience(s) of the reader.
Bored
~ Bored~
Bitch and moan all you want...... I'm so bored with what you got…
Bored with the rhythm of the afternoon
Bored with the oceans that are blue
Bored with the careless acts
Bored with the threats and attacks
Bored with the answers
More so bored with the questions that repeat the answers
Bored with the notation of things are fair
Bored with the thought that I just don’t care
Bored with the actions of careless ways
Bored with the freedom that people portray
Bored with the problems of the world
Bored with the standards we so adore
Bored with the careful ways we have to act
Bored with the faces that have turned black
Bored with the cries you only hear in the dark
Bored with the “coming of our savor” religion talk
Bored with how it once was
Bored with how it’s turning out
Bored again with the same old song and dance
Bored with roads that take you no where
Bored with the small mindedness that lurks everywhere
Bored with the intelligence that people show
Bored because they are so friggen slow
Bored with how proper you have to be
Bored with the stamp of being approval meat
Bored how we treat each other
Bored with the pathetic games we do onto others
Bored with how careless we have become
Bored even with the rhythm of the sun
Bitch and moan all you want…. I’m so fucking bored with what you’ve shown…
PkS © 2004
Bitch and moan all you want...... I'm so bored with what you got…
Bored with the rhythm of the afternoon
Bored with the oceans that are blue
Bored with the careless acts
Bored with the threats and attacks
Bored with the answers
More so bored with the questions that repeat the answers
Bored with the notation of things are fair
Bored with the thought that I just don’t care
Bored with the actions of careless ways
Bored with the freedom that people portray
Bored with the problems of the world
Bored with the standards we so adore
Bored with the careful ways we have to act
Bored with the faces that have turned black
Bored with the cries you only hear in the dark
Bored with the “coming of our savor” religion talk
Bored with how it once was
Bored with how it’s turning out
Bored again with the same old song and dance
Bored with roads that take you no where
Bored with the small mindedness that lurks everywhere
Bored with the intelligence that people show
Bored because they are so friggen slow
Bored with how proper you have to be
Bored with the stamp of being approval meat
Bored how we treat each other
Bored with the pathetic games we do onto others
Bored with how careless we have become
Bored even with the rhythm of the sun
Bitch and moan all you want…. I’m so fucking bored with what you’ve shown…
PkS © 2004
Friday, March 26, 2004
Flinch
~Flinch~
What, it’s been over a decade since we meet.... It still feels like it was yesterday..... we only knew what was going on between each other.... we only bruised each other but the pain still is floating around in each of us.... you made me run and hide.... you made me retreat to a hidden place in my head.... you bite, you slapped, you fought with your fists, you kicked, you always made sure that the marks were not seen except by you.... proud of your art work, you took so much pride in it..... Bragging to your buddies on what a great man you were.... how long can a girl be tortured by you..... How long can a girl be haunted by you..... How long does it take before all the pain goes away.....you thought by just dropping in every once in a while that all would be forgiven..... You thought that going away as I asked would only make me want you again.... but you were sadly mistaken..... you didn't see it coming...... you didn't see that I learned to shut myself off to you.....even when you still held me down, you could not get close enough to make a difference.....you thought that if you stopped my heart may return, but you were sadly mistaken once again.... you threaten and stalked, you even decided to make good on a promise..... but after all that you did, broke as I am, you still can not get what you want out of me.....the acceptance that you desire, the love that you require, the trust and emotions that you think you need..... you took what should have been memories and turned them all into hate, devastation, boredom, and confusion......I always wanted for you want you wanted for yourself.... but we both knew from the start that neither one of us should be in the place we ended up..... Now the final chapter is closed, but yet the pain still lingers around..... Afraid of stepping out, without looking behind me, not trusting anyone because of what actions my lay ahead..... yes, thank you for breaking me down, for all your wonderful work you have done.... you have left me broken, but you still lost the battle, you still lost the war, you never gained what you always wanted, you never could get into my heart.... and yes thank you for your marks you left, I added a few of my own, but they are there just for me to remember what path not to follow again.....And even though we I sat for months and vacillated, I just took it all in, let you continue and still you are the one you has lost everything.....
~PkS
2002 ©
I wrote this to cleanse myself of the torture I had allowed into my life. The sorrow, the demise, the hate and most of all the insanity of allowing myself to get to a point of becoming hollow inside. The one thing I have learned since I have written the above paragraph is that you have several different paths you can take in life. You can choice your own path, you make your own decisions, but when you continually have your past as your path, you can not direct yourself in the right direction. Time has proven to me that memories may fade but they do not die, the pain will follow you, no matter what you do to forget it. Horror is the factor, pain is the product and destruction of ones self is the ultimate pleasure to gain. You are nothing more than chest piece that is moved from moment to moment until you realize that you are not the one in control. Life allows you to choice, yes, but it also allows you to destroy much more in half the time.
Torture, where I live now, is allowing yourself to continue in ways you can not control. Continuing is destruction if the cycle can not be broken. Destruction is my disease, the ultimate demise of ones soul.
PkS © 2004
What, it’s been over a decade since we meet.... It still feels like it was yesterday..... we only knew what was going on between each other.... we only bruised each other but the pain still is floating around in each of us.... you made me run and hide.... you made me retreat to a hidden place in my head.... you bite, you slapped, you fought with your fists, you kicked, you always made sure that the marks were not seen except by you.... proud of your art work, you took so much pride in it..... Bragging to your buddies on what a great man you were.... how long can a girl be tortured by you..... How long can a girl be haunted by you..... How long does it take before all the pain goes away.....you thought by just dropping in every once in a while that all would be forgiven..... You thought that going away as I asked would only make me want you again.... but you were sadly mistaken..... you didn't see it coming...... you didn't see that I learned to shut myself off to you.....even when you still held me down, you could not get close enough to make a difference.....you thought that if you stopped my heart may return, but you were sadly mistaken once again.... you threaten and stalked, you even decided to make good on a promise..... but after all that you did, broke as I am, you still can not get what you want out of me.....the acceptance that you desire, the love that you require, the trust and emotions that you think you need..... you took what should have been memories and turned them all into hate, devastation, boredom, and confusion......I always wanted for you want you wanted for yourself.... but we both knew from the start that neither one of us should be in the place we ended up..... Now the final chapter is closed, but yet the pain still lingers around..... Afraid of stepping out, without looking behind me, not trusting anyone because of what actions my lay ahead..... yes, thank you for breaking me down, for all your wonderful work you have done.... you have left me broken, but you still lost the battle, you still lost the war, you never gained what you always wanted, you never could get into my heart.... and yes thank you for your marks you left, I added a few of my own, but they are there just for me to remember what path not to follow again.....And even though we I sat for months and vacillated, I just took it all in, let you continue and still you are the one you has lost everything.....
~PkS
2002 ©
I wrote this to cleanse myself of the torture I had allowed into my life. The sorrow, the demise, the hate and most of all the insanity of allowing myself to get to a point of becoming hollow inside. The one thing I have learned since I have written the above paragraph is that you have several different paths you can take in life. You can choice your own path, you make your own decisions, but when you continually have your past as your path, you can not direct yourself in the right direction. Time has proven to me that memories may fade but they do not die, the pain will follow you, no matter what you do to forget it. Horror is the factor, pain is the product and destruction of ones self is the ultimate pleasure to gain. You are nothing more than chest piece that is moved from moment to moment until you realize that you are not the one in control. Life allows you to choice, yes, but it also allows you to destroy much more in half the time.
Torture, where I live now, is allowing yourself to continue in ways you can not control. Continuing is destruction if the cycle can not be broken. Destruction is my disease, the ultimate demise of ones soul.
PkS © 2004
Constellation
Constellation
The earth, the wind, the moon and the stars
For each and everyone…who ever you are
This is my wind that I speak so softly
This is my breath that I give to you gently
For each drop of sand I lay before you
I reach more towards the moon in its glory
Following my heart to the depths of your sea
I sprinkle my warmth on countless evenings
I share my thoughts with you even as we speak
I open my arms for you to reach me
I wait for a signal of your love to bounce back
I follow your movement in the waiting shadows of its past
Each star is a representation of my love I cast
Shining down onto you in a weather beating forecast
Each droplet of water that runs down my face
Is caught in your sweet loving embrace
The moon and the stars have aligned in our favor
The earth and wind speak so freely of our nature
You have grasped my tears that flow like the river
You have taken me out of the shallow water
The earth, the wind, the moon and the stars
The have aligned to show us both who we are
They formed together to draw their strengths
They send us both a sign of our love and inter faiths
PkS © 2004
The earth, the wind, the moon and the stars
For each and everyone…who ever you are
This is my wind that I speak so softly
This is my breath that I give to you gently
For each drop of sand I lay before you
I reach more towards the moon in its glory
Following my heart to the depths of your sea
I sprinkle my warmth on countless evenings
I share my thoughts with you even as we speak
I open my arms for you to reach me
I wait for a signal of your love to bounce back
I follow your movement in the waiting shadows of its past
Each star is a representation of my love I cast
Shining down onto you in a weather beating forecast
Each droplet of water that runs down my face
Is caught in your sweet loving embrace
The moon and the stars have aligned in our favor
The earth and wind speak so freely of our nature
You have grasped my tears that flow like the river
You have taken me out of the shallow water
The earth, the wind, the moon and the stars
The have aligned to show us both who we are
They formed together to draw their strengths
They send us both a sign of our love and inter faiths
PkS © 2004
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Clipped Wings
Clipped Wings
Clip my wings so I can not fly
Clip my spirit so I can not try
Clip my sanity so I can not find
Clip my world so I can not die
Take me away from this god forsaken place
Take me away from theses evils that built up into pain
Take me away so I find who I truly am
Take me away so I find earths beauty in a shielded hand
Bound me from the evils I do upon myself
Bound me from the thoughts that take overwhelm me so well
Bound me from the screams that follow me into sleep
Bound me from the depths of my own mental well being
Let me fly with the wind with no care in the world
Let me fly with the air that is breezes in the clouds
Let me fly with the angles that watch over many of us
Let me fly with the breath that has bound both of us
Let me find my way back from where I am today
Let me find my own way to fight the evils that have risen from my pain
Let me find my own road, my own path as in life
Let me find the demons that haunt me every night
Clip my wings so I can learn to fly again
Clip my wings so I can teach my spirit to at least try again
Clip my wings so I can find the sanity I lost so long ago
Clip my wings so I can let my world begin again with a tolerance and no ego…
PkS © 2004
Clip my wings so I can not fly
Clip my spirit so I can not try
Clip my sanity so I can not find
Clip my world so I can not die
Take me away from this god forsaken place
Take me away from theses evils that built up into pain
Take me away so I find who I truly am
Take me away so I find earths beauty in a shielded hand
Bound me from the evils I do upon myself
Bound me from the thoughts that take overwhelm me so well
Bound me from the screams that follow me into sleep
Bound me from the depths of my own mental well being
Let me fly with the wind with no care in the world
Let me fly with the air that is breezes in the clouds
Let me fly with the angles that watch over many of us
Let me fly with the breath that has bound both of us
Let me find my way back from where I am today
Let me find my own way to fight the evils that have risen from my pain
Let me find my own road, my own path as in life
Let me find the demons that haunt me every night
Clip my wings so I can learn to fly again
Clip my wings so I can teach my spirit to at least try again
Clip my wings so I can find the sanity I lost so long ago
Clip my wings so I can let my world begin again with a tolerance and no ego…
PkS © 2004
30 Seconds
For anyone who might have missed what really happened... The truth has finally been expressed in 30 seconds!
Saturday, February 14, 2004
HAHA
When ever you see danger lurking around… Don’t run, just stop and ask it for directions.
When you feel like your going insane….Take a deep breath, close your eyes and think of Michael Jackson kissing you. (Now you will just be sick to your stomach, not going insane)
When a telemarketer calls you… Tell them that you are interested in listening to them, but you are presently busy taking a shit.
When you want to get someone back… Just call their local pizza place and order 25 large pizzas for delivery. (Make sure you *67 so they don’t have your phone number)
When ever you feel like you are going to puck… Look up, close your eyes and grab your tit and pinch. (Let me know how good it felt later)
When you feel like your going insane….Take a deep breath, close your eyes and think of Michael Jackson kissing you. (Now you will just be sick to your stomach, not going insane)
When a telemarketer calls you… Tell them that you are interested in listening to them, but you are presently busy taking a shit.
When you want to get someone back… Just call their local pizza place and order 25 large pizzas for delivery. (Make sure you *67 so they don’t have your phone number)
When ever you feel like you are going to puck… Look up, close your eyes and grab your tit and pinch. (Let me know how good it felt later)
In Memory of the Lost
In Memory of the Lost~
Lingered whispers from ancient lost city
Ruins still stand where the souls once lived
Footsteps long lost now substituted by a new creation
Standing over the memories of this forgotten time and place
Hearing the echoed chants of words mumbled in confusion
Feeling the breeze of their last wishes gracing past my face
A cool chill of remembering how once it was
Standing in this ancient, lost but not forgotten place
Looking down at this ancient path I stood upon
I find myself wondering how many others once stood on this hard but shallow ground
Finding myself deep in tranquility, purified of how I once had been here before
Finding a longing, an ease in breathing in the stale air
Looking all around, I find myself remembering how this ancient city use to blossom
People bustling, frantic, in a rush to place themselves in a tomb to be forgotten
Praying to the Gods of the day, taking in food that would later dissipate
Building with primitive tools, not knowing their future would soon be lost to the world
I stand, I watch and I listen to the whispers and echo’s that are so faint
I look around this desolated place
Once a vibrant, breathing city of such glory and fame
Now nothing but these desecrated ruins of a god forsaken place
For today is yesterday as tomorrow will also be forgotten
As we lay a path down before us, so we also will not be forgotten
But when we look back, we see only the ruins of our own defeat
Standing full circle, listening to the lingered whispers of our own ancient lost city
PkS ~ 2004 ©
Lingered whispers from ancient lost city
Ruins still stand where the souls once lived
Footsteps long lost now substituted by a new creation
Standing over the memories of this forgotten time and place
Hearing the echoed chants of words mumbled in confusion
Feeling the breeze of their last wishes gracing past my face
A cool chill of remembering how once it was
Standing in this ancient, lost but not forgotten place
Looking down at this ancient path I stood upon
I find myself wondering how many others once stood on this hard but shallow ground
Finding myself deep in tranquility, purified of how I once had been here before
Finding a longing, an ease in breathing in the stale air
Looking all around, I find myself remembering how this ancient city use to blossom
People bustling, frantic, in a rush to place themselves in a tomb to be forgotten
Praying to the Gods of the day, taking in food that would later dissipate
Building with primitive tools, not knowing their future would soon be lost to the world
I stand, I watch and I listen to the whispers and echo’s that are so faint
I look around this desolated place
Once a vibrant, breathing city of such glory and fame
Now nothing but these desecrated ruins of a god forsaken place
For today is yesterday as tomorrow will also be forgotten
As we lay a path down before us, so we also will not be forgotten
But when we look back, we see only the ruins of our own defeat
Standing full circle, listening to the lingered whispers of our own ancient lost city
PkS ~ 2004 ©
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Painted Black
Painted Black
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they are painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see the people turn their head and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it happens every day
I look inside myself, and see my heart is black
I see my red door and its heading into black
Maybe I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea, go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
I want to see it painted, painted black
Black as night
Black as coal
I want to see the sky blocked out
I want to see it painted, painted black
© 1979
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they are painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see the people turn their head and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it happens every day
I look inside myself, and see my heart is black
I see my red door and its heading into black
Maybe I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea, go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
I want to see it painted, painted black
Black as night
Black as coal
I want to see the sky blocked out
I want to see it painted, painted black
© 1979
Bounded to a Time and Place
Bounded to a time and place~
Bounded to a time and place, a never never endless face, a place in time that is surrounded by a wondering mind of a never ending confusion rhyme. To others they see a mouthy being, one who is sharp and sassy with no care or feelings. To those who know and know so well, there is a greater purpose to those spun words of fearless appears. To catch the attention of one so bold, to open their mind to another world, one that is outside of this box that keeps the rhythm of key strokes and word counts so one can continue to peek.
Bounded by a time and place, I sit here pondering who is next to face. To see the world as it once spun by, to watch the faces climb in and out of my eyes. To wonder how the world has moved on, in seconds and milliseconds to a beat that is gone. From my eyes I notice the leaves turned and fallen, a world that has stopped in motion yet is beating outward.
Traveling threw a wire to communicate, traveling to millions who don’t even know your existence or faith. Watching them slowing move past, wondering if they too can feel the motion stop. Fighting to push the time to continue, not broadening your boundaries but yet waiting for some sign that will show me when it is time.
Starry eyed and mind flickering at light speed, I wonder when I can finally release. Release my tension of not moving forward, release my momentum for it is stale and swollen. Release my mind from these thoughts of endlessness, release my position of close-mindedness. Sitting in this chair of release, moving forward in words that help me come to ease. Finding a way to express each of my moods.
Sitting here, watching out the window, I see the world at a stop, no movement, no gleam. It has stopped, no motion, no time, this is my endless blind eye. Bounded in this state of usuries and unknowns, watching the trees loose their leaves and drop slowly to the ground. Dead upon arrival, hitting the ground with easy, I sit and ponder if the leaves are me. Watching them blow with the wind, move slightly an inch but to them, no movement at all.
I watched them dance to their final grave, they looked so innocent, braking off with easy. Gracefully floating to the ground in the wind, they finally look like deaths beckoned end. Time seems to be the only thing that will heal these lost souls of the land, time will take them, bury and move forward with its master plan. The season will change, the tree with grow, branching out a new growth of life and the cycle is reborn.
So, once again I bound to a place and time, endless thoughts run threw my mind. Dancing dreams of when the clock will wine, patiently waiting for the motions to glide.
~ PkS © 2004
Bounded to a time and place, a never never endless face, a place in time that is surrounded by a wondering mind of a never ending confusion rhyme. To others they see a mouthy being, one who is sharp and sassy with no care or feelings. To those who know and know so well, there is a greater purpose to those spun words of fearless appears. To catch the attention of one so bold, to open their mind to another world, one that is outside of this box that keeps the rhythm of key strokes and word counts so one can continue to peek.
Bounded by a time and place, I sit here pondering who is next to face. To see the world as it once spun by, to watch the faces climb in and out of my eyes. To wonder how the world has moved on, in seconds and milliseconds to a beat that is gone. From my eyes I notice the leaves turned and fallen, a world that has stopped in motion yet is beating outward.
Traveling threw a wire to communicate, traveling to millions who don’t even know your existence or faith. Watching them slowing move past, wondering if they too can feel the motion stop. Fighting to push the time to continue, not broadening your boundaries but yet waiting for some sign that will show me when it is time.
Starry eyed and mind flickering at light speed, I wonder when I can finally release. Release my tension of not moving forward, release my momentum for it is stale and swollen. Release my mind from these thoughts of endlessness, release my position of close-mindedness. Sitting in this chair of release, moving forward in words that help me come to ease. Finding a way to express each of my moods.
Sitting here, watching out the window, I see the world at a stop, no movement, no gleam. It has stopped, no motion, no time, this is my endless blind eye. Bounded in this state of usuries and unknowns, watching the trees loose their leaves and drop slowly to the ground. Dead upon arrival, hitting the ground with easy, I sit and ponder if the leaves are me. Watching them blow with the wind, move slightly an inch but to them, no movement at all.
I watched them dance to their final grave, they looked so innocent, braking off with easy. Gracefully floating to the ground in the wind, they finally look like deaths beckoned end. Time seems to be the only thing that will heal these lost souls of the land, time will take them, bury and move forward with its master plan. The season will change, the tree with grow, branching out a new growth of life and the cycle is reborn.
So, once again I bound to a place and time, endless thoughts run threw my mind. Dancing dreams of when the clock will wine, patiently waiting for the motions to glide.
~ PkS © 2004
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Today
Today, I sit and worry, waiting for a sign, if any, to show itself to me. Today, I sit and worry, if this is my last day I’ll have. Today I sit and worry, thinking over everything that has come full circle. I wonder a lot of what life has given me, I think a lot of what I have not given back.
I took a long walk today, by myself, just letting the wind blow on my face. No thought of where I was going, yet every few seconds I would look up and see the lit moon in broad daylight and think of how small a life, any life, really is. Today I fight all my fears that have been building up inside of me, fearing what the future holds, what life is about to unfold and to wonder if, such a small person as myself, can ever light up again in daylight. Today was to be my day, just to think, take in, learn, express and go though all the emotions I needed to, to get myself prepared for what tomorrow brings.
I have to say, that even though I’m not so easily scared with some things in life, I can’t say I’ve never been so scared before till now. It’s come full circle with me, all the emotions, all the blame, all the yelling and crying of not understanding why I’ve had to go through all of this. Facing tomorrow and facing my decisions are harder than I ever thought they would be. Guilt has played a huge part in it also, not reaching out, pushing away and not wanting the comfort of what I may have needed. But those are the choices I decided. That is how I wanted to deal with it all. Even removing my grandparents out of my daily life, out of love and compassion of not watching me decline.
Today, I kept looking at the moon, knowing that anyone could see it at anytime such as I. It put a little smile on my face, just knowing that even though I could not touch it, not pull it towards me, not take it home and wrap it up and keep it, knowing that it will continue to shine, day or night, no matter what the weathers like, it will always be there and it hold a piece of me now. I saw something today in that daylight lit moon, something that gave a warmth in my heart. It was something so small and so inexpressible, that it still just holds me, but I mostly believe that it’s just because it was that one little something I saw in it and knowing that anyone can look up and see it also.
I’m frantic emotionally, stressed physical, trying to place myself in a mental state of just going through the motions to protect myself. Is it working, no, of course not, if it was, I wouldn’t be sitting here having to get all of this out of my head.
Today, above all else, I’ve come to terms with everything and nothing all in the same breath. I over worry, I over react, I take things in the wrong tone and I reject to easily. I can turn myself off, shut down to easily for most, then search for something that doesn’t exist, some sort of guidelines within myself but never yet have found it. I can be the hardest person to deal with but can also melt at the tip of a hat. I can hold my ground for answers, yet give nothing in return. I have looked long and hard at myself and have realize that it’s not easy being me. Over this battle of acceptance, battle of surety, battle of past understanding and now a battle of a fucking disease. Tomorrow, I’m scared. Terrified, of what the outcome is to be. I hold my hands tight and start to wonder if all my years of searching for some higher power, some understanding of my place in the universe, some quest of knowledge of if there may be a person to pray to, isn’t teaching me a lesson. I was asked once from the man I love, if I wasn’t in search or maybe hopping of a God. I quickly said no, but I think he may have been right. I guess, when it comes down to it, I am searching now, for someone to give me an answer, a place I can pray, a person to hold onto and a faith to understand. But yet, my ego and mind both, sit here now and taunt me now, reminding me of my deeper reasoning, that I’m just looking for a place to point the blame.
It all comes down to this. I sit and I wait. Looking back right now, I wish I had done so many things different. So many things I wish I had just done instead of over think them. I wish I could have let go of all my fears, my memories that I blamed so many others for, then took my blame out on others I loved. I wish I had not been so fearful, so unable to accept, so ready to point a finger, so ready to hide and not allow myself to open up. I wish I had taken out the anger, the hate and the punishment, the blame and constant fighting over really nothing. I wish I could have just come to terms with things easier, been more open with my own fears, not hidden them from the ones I loved, who now can easily just blame. I guess my pride has fallen down, feeling vulnerable and alone.
It’s very quiet here. Nothing moving except me and the keys on the board. I can hear the wind outside, blowing and swaying the trees. My biggest fear is that I never get to say the things I think I needed to say. I guess its like a book that someone has written but never really explained a certain persons feelings. And I think that fear in me is that I will never be able to say what I’ve needed to say.
Over the past year, I have fought my toughest battle. One I never thought I would ever go through. I never would have thought in my life I would be faced with something like this. When I found out I had Cancer, I truly thought it was just one of those things. Something that would just go away with the right treatment and medication. As time passed on, and the news kept coming back negative, I started to retreat inwards, slowing moving away from everyone and everything. Treatments came and the went, medication was lowered and raised, a few good words once in awhile, but more negative than anything. Now, it has started to spread, and tomorrow I go in for another surgery. This one cuts deeper, more removal and searches for what else there may be hidden inside of me. When I was told of the results, I really was general with everyone. But when my doctors told me what the truth was, I just couldn’t understand. I blew it off, or I should say I made everyone think I did, when all it did was kill me inside, kill off any feelings I had. I call this my shut down, my lock down, my personal protection. I just kept saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, just one more surgery, nothing big, no worries, nothing to be frighten about, just a little surgery” but all I could do was close myself off and now I chose to face this all alone. This will be the whopper one, as my mom like to say. It’s easier for me, not to see the people I love, feel like they can’t do anything to help. It’s easier on me to have them mad and upset, pissed and anger than let their hearts hurt as mine does. It’s been easier on me to just write in my journal each day of my feels, shame and pain than to express them to anyone. But now, I feel that I may not ever get to say my feels again so I’m expressing them here, so if you or anyone you know has to go though all of this, you know the right thing and the wrong things to do.
I feel the guilt and shame now for running away. I know I’ve let the people I love down and have left them wondering why I’m completely shut off and non sensitive to what they say. Mostly I feel sad that I was never able to open myself up and just express how I truly felt. Why I choice to do what I did instead of just choosing to not care and walk way. I mostly think if I had opened up, would I feel the way I do or would it be the same feelings inside of me. Today, of all days, I have seen myself for who I truly am, for who I’ve become and who I could have been if I had just said I had something to say. But today is almost over, and all I my pride will allow is me to justify this in these short words.
I also can remember a conversation I had recently with a good friend of mine who asked me if I thought I had remorse of my actions or decision of my expressions. They also asked if had to courage to say how I felt to a certain person. I simply said “My courage was displaced over the past year, hidden deep were my feelings of not being able to forgive, pointing a finger of blame easier than myself taking the blame, like being locked in a shell that I could not break. My remorse is that I never broke that shell and opened up to how I truly felt.” I later said “If I was given the chance to change things, I would have and would have learned that love does conquer all.”
So night has fallen now and I’m going to go outside and just sit and watch the moon. Hopping that it will give me something that I can hold onto again. I am terrified, almost destroyed inside of what I am feeling. Mostly afraid that I’m going to just be a broke shell, that one person who is not able to let herself live again. I’m frighten and distraught, worried of what tomorrow brings, wondering if I’m going to be able to go outside and look at the moon again.
I’m a shattered person, more so than I’ve ever been. I’m sorry that I ran, I’m sorry that I just could not find the right words to express. My tears at this point are guiding my words, and I know it’s too late for the “I love’s yous and hugs and xoxo’s.”
I took a long walk today, by myself, just letting the wind blow on my face. No thought of where I was going, yet every few seconds I would look up and see the lit moon in broad daylight and think of how small a life, any life, really is. Today I fight all my fears that have been building up inside of me, fearing what the future holds, what life is about to unfold and to wonder if, such a small person as myself, can ever light up again in daylight. Today was to be my day, just to think, take in, learn, express and go though all the emotions I needed to, to get myself prepared for what tomorrow brings.
I have to say, that even though I’m not so easily scared with some things in life, I can’t say I’ve never been so scared before till now. It’s come full circle with me, all the emotions, all the blame, all the yelling and crying of not understanding why I’ve had to go through all of this. Facing tomorrow and facing my decisions are harder than I ever thought they would be. Guilt has played a huge part in it also, not reaching out, pushing away and not wanting the comfort of what I may have needed. But those are the choices I decided. That is how I wanted to deal with it all. Even removing my grandparents out of my daily life, out of love and compassion of not watching me decline.
Today, I kept looking at the moon, knowing that anyone could see it at anytime such as I. It put a little smile on my face, just knowing that even though I could not touch it, not pull it towards me, not take it home and wrap it up and keep it, knowing that it will continue to shine, day or night, no matter what the weathers like, it will always be there and it hold a piece of me now. I saw something today in that daylight lit moon, something that gave a warmth in my heart. It was something so small and so inexpressible, that it still just holds me, but I mostly believe that it’s just because it was that one little something I saw in it and knowing that anyone can look up and see it also.
I’m frantic emotionally, stressed physical, trying to place myself in a mental state of just going through the motions to protect myself. Is it working, no, of course not, if it was, I wouldn’t be sitting here having to get all of this out of my head.
Today, above all else, I’ve come to terms with everything and nothing all in the same breath. I over worry, I over react, I take things in the wrong tone and I reject to easily. I can turn myself off, shut down to easily for most, then search for something that doesn’t exist, some sort of guidelines within myself but never yet have found it. I can be the hardest person to deal with but can also melt at the tip of a hat. I can hold my ground for answers, yet give nothing in return. I have looked long and hard at myself and have realize that it’s not easy being me. Over this battle of acceptance, battle of surety, battle of past understanding and now a battle of a fucking disease. Tomorrow, I’m scared. Terrified, of what the outcome is to be. I hold my hands tight and start to wonder if all my years of searching for some higher power, some understanding of my place in the universe, some quest of knowledge of if there may be a person to pray to, isn’t teaching me a lesson. I was asked once from the man I love, if I wasn’t in search or maybe hopping of a God. I quickly said no, but I think he may have been right. I guess, when it comes down to it, I am searching now, for someone to give me an answer, a place I can pray, a person to hold onto and a faith to understand. But yet, my ego and mind both, sit here now and taunt me now, reminding me of my deeper reasoning, that I’m just looking for a place to point the blame.
It all comes down to this. I sit and I wait. Looking back right now, I wish I had done so many things different. So many things I wish I had just done instead of over think them. I wish I could have let go of all my fears, my memories that I blamed so many others for, then took my blame out on others I loved. I wish I had not been so fearful, so unable to accept, so ready to point a finger, so ready to hide and not allow myself to open up. I wish I had taken out the anger, the hate and the punishment, the blame and constant fighting over really nothing. I wish I could have just come to terms with things easier, been more open with my own fears, not hidden them from the ones I loved, who now can easily just blame. I guess my pride has fallen down, feeling vulnerable and alone.
It’s very quiet here. Nothing moving except me and the keys on the board. I can hear the wind outside, blowing and swaying the trees. My biggest fear is that I never get to say the things I think I needed to say. I guess its like a book that someone has written but never really explained a certain persons feelings. And I think that fear in me is that I will never be able to say what I’ve needed to say.
Over the past year, I have fought my toughest battle. One I never thought I would ever go through. I never would have thought in my life I would be faced with something like this. When I found out I had Cancer, I truly thought it was just one of those things. Something that would just go away with the right treatment and medication. As time passed on, and the news kept coming back negative, I started to retreat inwards, slowing moving away from everyone and everything. Treatments came and the went, medication was lowered and raised, a few good words once in awhile, but more negative than anything. Now, it has started to spread, and tomorrow I go in for another surgery. This one cuts deeper, more removal and searches for what else there may be hidden inside of me. When I was told of the results, I really was general with everyone. But when my doctors told me what the truth was, I just couldn’t understand. I blew it off, or I should say I made everyone think I did, when all it did was kill me inside, kill off any feelings I had. I call this my shut down, my lock down, my personal protection. I just kept saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, just one more surgery, nothing big, no worries, nothing to be frighten about, just a little surgery” but all I could do was close myself off and now I chose to face this all alone. This will be the whopper one, as my mom like to say. It’s easier for me, not to see the people I love, feel like they can’t do anything to help. It’s easier on me to have them mad and upset, pissed and anger than let their hearts hurt as mine does. It’s been easier on me to just write in my journal each day of my feels, shame and pain than to express them to anyone. But now, I feel that I may not ever get to say my feels again so I’m expressing them here, so if you or anyone you know has to go though all of this, you know the right thing and the wrong things to do.
I feel the guilt and shame now for running away. I know I’ve let the people I love down and have left them wondering why I’m completely shut off and non sensitive to what they say. Mostly I feel sad that I was never able to open myself up and just express how I truly felt. Why I choice to do what I did instead of just choosing to not care and walk way. I mostly think if I had opened up, would I feel the way I do or would it be the same feelings inside of me. Today, of all days, I have seen myself for who I truly am, for who I’ve become and who I could have been if I had just said I had something to say. But today is almost over, and all I my pride will allow is me to justify this in these short words.
I also can remember a conversation I had recently with a good friend of mine who asked me if I thought I had remorse of my actions or decision of my expressions. They also asked if had to courage to say how I felt to a certain person. I simply said “My courage was displaced over the past year, hidden deep were my feelings of not being able to forgive, pointing a finger of blame easier than myself taking the blame, like being locked in a shell that I could not break. My remorse is that I never broke that shell and opened up to how I truly felt.” I later said “If I was given the chance to change things, I would have and would have learned that love does conquer all.”
So night has fallen now and I’m going to go outside and just sit and watch the moon. Hopping that it will give me something that I can hold onto again. I am terrified, almost destroyed inside of what I am feeling. Mostly afraid that I’m going to just be a broke shell, that one person who is not able to let herself live again. I’m frighten and distraught, worried of what tomorrow brings, wondering if I’m going to be able to go outside and look at the moon again.
I’m a shattered person, more so than I’ve ever been. I’m sorry that I ran, I’m sorry that I just could not find the right words to express. My tears at this point are guiding my words, and I know it’s too late for the “I love’s yous and hugs and xoxo’s.”
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Purgatory
Purgatory
I’m damned …. Damned to no end …. Damned to hell ….Damned to Purgatory
Damned to Earth …. Damned to no end….
Does this rock we call home, is it so bad? Is there a meaning deep in the core rocks that tells us our fate? Why do we search for our entire lives for a place that may or may not exist. But we as people are so easy to place blame. For if you don’t believe then off to hell and be shamed.
If we are so quick to sentence a person…“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS” …then why does the question remain of purgatory in my head? Would you damn your mother to a waiting room decorated by hell? Would you damn your father to a place of the dead? Would you sentence your grandparents to a place where all time can do is wait?
Are you truly damned if thinking outside of the box? Are you so caught up in your own life that you are going to be saved just because you’ve read a book? Do you think calling or singing out your holy names, that Christ Your Savior is continuing taking all your pain away? Do you think that life has only one meaning? Do you think that praying to a leather bound book is the only answer?
I’m damned either way I look at it. To hell, to purgatory or to just lay dead. Would it not make sense to think man created god? Would it not make sense to wonder if there was a god who created him?
To hell you first say for my comments that lay on this simple page of paper. You condemned me now for speaking out loud and documenting my behavior. Damned to hell, off I go, and no forgiveness is allowed. I sit on the stones of the murders and thief’s and take no water or rest for my weary bones.
What if I was shackled to purgatory? Rushed off in a hurry so faith doesn’t know I’ve questioned anything. To sit and wait, for a reply of my fate, to ponder and pray for forgiveness. Time has no meaning, just wait and wait, for redemption or damned to hell. While decisions are made, I still have to sit and wait and make out a list of examples of what a terrible person I’ve been for damning thy name.
Damned to Earth for the rest of its life. Roaming around to find the answers I question inside. Search the word in a sphere, round and round I may go, not knowing if any one question I ask may turn into a laughing show. Walk the ends of the earth to find that one true answer that we all are in search of. Damned to a question with no answer to be found. Buried or burned, mummified or scattered, the truth does no lye on this soil that we call earth.
For these three things I question all the time, for hell is nothing more than a purgatory in which lies on earth soil. Wrapped in a tainted view of one’s on perception. Faith is nothing more than a concept to protect our own salvation. We damned ourselves to this eternal flame of questioning who are creator is or was or could be one day. Take life for what it is, nothing more than a purgatory shackled in mixture of earth and hell.
PkS ~ 2003
I’m damned …. Damned to no end …. Damned to hell ….Damned to Purgatory
Damned to Earth …. Damned to no end….
Does this rock we call home, is it so bad? Is there a meaning deep in the core rocks that tells us our fate? Why do we search for our entire lives for a place that may or may not exist. But we as people are so easy to place blame. For if you don’t believe then off to hell and be shamed.
If we are so quick to sentence a person…“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS” …then why does the question remain of purgatory in my head? Would you damn your mother to a waiting room decorated by hell? Would you damn your father to a place of the dead? Would you sentence your grandparents to a place where all time can do is wait?
Are you truly damned if thinking outside of the box? Are you so caught up in your own life that you are going to be saved just because you’ve read a book? Do you think calling or singing out your holy names, that Christ Your Savior is continuing taking all your pain away? Do you think that life has only one meaning? Do you think that praying to a leather bound book is the only answer?
I’m damned either way I look at it. To hell, to purgatory or to just lay dead. Would it not make sense to think man created god? Would it not make sense to wonder if there was a god who created him?
To hell you first say for my comments that lay on this simple page of paper. You condemned me now for speaking out loud and documenting my behavior. Damned to hell, off I go, and no forgiveness is allowed. I sit on the stones of the murders and thief’s and take no water or rest for my weary bones.
What if I was shackled to purgatory? Rushed off in a hurry so faith doesn’t know I’ve questioned anything. To sit and wait, for a reply of my fate, to ponder and pray for forgiveness. Time has no meaning, just wait and wait, for redemption or damned to hell. While decisions are made, I still have to sit and wait and make out a list of examples of what a terrible person I’ve been for damning thy name.
Damned to Earth for the rest of its life. Roaming around to find the answers I question inside. Search the word in a sphere, round and round I may go, not knowing if any one question I ask may turn into a laughing show. Walk the ends of the earth to find that one true answer that we all are in search of. Damned to a question with no answer to be found. Buried or burned, mummified or scattered, the truth does no lye on this soil that we call earth.
For these three things I question all the time, for hell is nothing more than a purgatory in which lies on earth soil. Wrapped in a tainted view of one’s on perception. Faith is nothing more than a concept to protect our own salvation. We damned ourselves to this eternal flame of questioning who are creator is or was or could be one day. Take life for what it is, nothing more than a purgatory shackled in mixture of earth and hell.
PkS ~ 2003
Let Me
Let me…
Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me whispering softly spoken words
That reminds you of my affection
Let me grace the back of you neck
With a whisp of two finger tips
And show you a gentler side of my emotions
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me caress your body slowly
Each ticklish curve and every bend
Let me grace your entire back
With a whisp of my finger tips
Let me show you my erotic side of affections
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
Let me tease and torture you in fetish delights
Let me shower you in a soft moon light
Let me infringe on your privacy
Let me spoil your last whim
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
PkS ~ 2003 ©
Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me whispering softly spoken words
That reminds you of my affection
Let me grace the back of you neck
With a whisp of two finger tips
And show you a gentler side of my emotions
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me caress your body slowly
Each ticklish curve and every bend
Let me grace your entire back
With a whisp of my finger tips
Let me show you my erotic side of affections
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
Let me tease and torture you in fetish delights
Let me shower you in a soft moon light
Let me infringe on your privacy
Let me spoil your last whim
Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace
PkS ~ 2003 ©
Oh Father
Oh Father
So many questions, never enough time
So many unanswered thoughts run threw my mind
Fainted traces of a pleasant childhood
Tortured memories of a non so pleasant parenthood
Were you intentions so much greater than mine
Were your beliefs so gracious and tantalize
Did you ever wonder about your actions that would remain
Did you ever just call out my name
When did you realize that fatherhood was not a blessing in disguise
When did choose to destroy you families entire lives
Who did you think you were in taunting the people you love
Who gave you the right to demolish your only chance at pure love
You birthed and fostered a hatred deep inside
You took away the passion of a little girls cries
You destroyed and ravaged the sanity of one little girl
You broke the bonds of parenthood by flipping off the world
Even though you are gone from here, you still taught me in my dreams
Memories of a burned out man who was nothing but a shame
Even though you have left this world, you left your mark on this little girl
I hold the anger and shame of you within my deepest thoughts that rage and swirl
When I get the chance, I will visit your grave
When I get the courage to be brave
When I get this chance, I will show you what I’ve become
A woman who has grown past your evil and has sir come
Beauty out of evil has branched out of me
Resurrected passions, letting the past overcome me
A chance to finally be free is my only saving grace
Of letting you stay buried, rotting and feasting off your own taste
PkS ~ 2003 ©
So many questions, never enough time
So many unanswered thoughts run threw my mind
Fainted traces of a pleasant childhood
Tortured memories of a non so pleasant parenthood
Were you intentions so much greater than mine
Were your beliefs so gracious and tantalize
Did you ever wonder about your actions that would remain
Did you ever just call out my name
When did you realize that fatherhood was not a blessing in disguise
When did choose to destroy you families entire lives
Who did you think you were in taunting the people you love
Who gave you the right to demolish your only chance at pure love
You birthed and fostered a hatred deep inside
You took away the passion of a little girls cries
You destroyed and ravaged the sanity of one little girl
You broke the bonds of parenthood by flipping off the world
Even though you are gone from here, you still taught me in my dreams
Memories of a burned out man who was nothing but a shame
Even though you have left this world, you left your mark on this little girl
I hold the anger and shame of you within my deepest thoughts that rage and swirl
When I get the chance, I will visit your grave
When I get the courage to be brave
When I get this chance, I will show you what I’ve become
A woman who has grown past your evil and has sir come
Beauty out of evil has branched out of me
Resurrected passions, letting the past overcome me
A chance to finally be free is my only saving grace
Of letting you stay buried, rotting and feasting off your own taste
PkS ~ 2003 ©
Monday, October 20, 2003
Each Day
Each day I sit and wait and watch… I see the hands on the clock… They move east as I move west, I catch myself wondering when they’ll miss…Fruitful thinking of a mind gone mad…. One white jacket ordered…..For me at Last!
PkS 2003 ©
PkS 2003 ©
Forbidden God
Forbidden God
Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
You ask me to surrender my faith and walk with you in the shadows
You ask me to surrender my believes and tend for only your breathless notions
Follow my lead and take my last breath for it is sacred with purity
Swallow my last breath and taste my last wish upon this countless cycle of epiphany
Deemed me to walk with my brothers and sisters who shall take no name
Who talk no name and pray to no name for this is our savor, our damnation, our choice
Take my dreams away as punishment
Take my soul away for it will resurrect
Take my body bleeding for I fight for who I shall name as my God
Take me to temptation and tease me for I choice my God
Continue to walk endlessly threw the patch of darkness
For I shall stand here alone and let you die with no vain of my soul
You are nothing more than a coward who feeds off of ones frenzies
You search the earth for weakness, for this is your true calling
You haunt the will and taunt the name of anyone who walks along your path
You tease for acceptance, knowing one will sub come eventually
For I stand before you and calm now that you are not my God
For I am strong and can see your weakness
For I stand before you and show you how powerless you are
For if you were my God, would you have to thieve and steal purity from within
For if you were my God, would you stand before me and call for my forgiveness
For if you were a God, you would stand before me praying on behave of themselves
For if you were a God, you would stand before us all with sorrow and disbarment
You would not hind behind the lining of a book nor allow a feed of frenzied
You would not hind in words of dislike and torture, death to be taken so easily
Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
I wake to find you have shown yourself face to face to me
I find you have stolen nothing but an identity
I seize you back to where you come
I damned you back to your feral land
PkS © 2003
Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
You ask me to surrender my faith and walk with you in the shadows
You ask me to surrender my believes and tend for only your breathless notions
Follow my lead and take my last breath for it is sacred with purity
Swallow my last breath and taste my last wish upon this countless cycle of epiphany
Deemed me to walk with my brothers and sisters who shall take no name
Who talk no name and pray to no name for this is our savor, our damnation, our choice
Take my dreams away as punishment
Take my soul away for it will resurrect
Take my body bleeding for I fight for who I shall name as my God
Take me to temptation and tease me for I choice my God
Continue to walk endlessly threw the patch of darkness
For I shall stand here alone and let you die with no vain of my soul
You are nothing more than a coward who feeds off of ones frenzies
You search the earth for weakness, for this is your true calling
You haunt the will and taunt the name of anyone who walks along your path
You tease for acceptance, knowing one will sub come eventually
For I stand before you and calm now that you are not my God
For I am strong and can see your weakness
For I stand before you and show you how powerless you are
For if you were my God, would you have to thieve and steal purity from within
For if you were my God, would you stand before me and call for my forgiveness
For if you were a God, you would stand before me praying on behave of themselves
For if you were a God, you would stand before us all with sorrow and disbarment
You would not hind behind the lining of a book nor allow a feed of frenzied
You would not hind in words of dislike and torture, death to be taken so easily
Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
I wake to find you have shown yourself face to face to me
I find you have stolen nothing but an identity
I seize you back to where you come
I damned you back to your feral land
PkS © 2003
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