~Flinch~
What, it’s been over a decade since we meet.... It still feels like it was yesterday..... we only knew what was going on between each other.... we only bruised each other but the pain still is floating around in each of us.... you made me run and hide.... you made me retreat to a hidden place in my head.... you bite, you slapped, you fought with your fists, you kicked, you always made sure that the marks were not seen except by you.... proud of your art work, you took so much pride in it..... Bragging to your buddies on what a great man you were.... how long can a girl be tortured by you..... How long can a girl be haunted by you..... How long does it take before all the pain goes away.....you thought by just dropping in every once in a while that all would be forgiven..... You thought that going away as I asked would only make me want you again.... but you were sadly mistaken..... you didn't see it coming...... you didn't see that I learned to shut myself off to you.....even when you still held me down, you could not get close enough to make a difference.....you thought that if you stopped my heart may return, but you were sadly mistaken once again.... you threaten and stalked, you even decided to make good on a promise..... but after all that you did, broke as I am, you still can not get what you want out of me.....the acceptance that you desire, the love that you require, the trust and emotions that you think you need..... you took what should have been memories and turned them all into hate, devastation, boredom, and confusion......I always wanted for you want you wanted for yourself.... but we both knew from the start that neither one of us should be in the place we ended up..... Now the final chapter is closed, but yet the pain still lingers around..... Afraid of stepping out, without looking behind me, not trusting anyone because of what actions my lay ahead..... yes, thank you for breaking me down, for all your wonderful work you have done.... you have left me broken, but you still lost the battle, you still lost the war, you never gained what you always wanted, you never could get into my heart.... and yes thank you for your marks you left, I added a few of my own, but they are there just for me to remember what path not to follow again.....And even though we I sat for months and vacillated, I just took it all in, let you continue and still you are the one you has lost everything.....
~PkS
2002 ©
I wrote this to cleanse myself of the torture I had allowed into my life. The sorrow, the demise, the hate and most of all the insanity of allowing myself to get to a point of becoming hollow inside. The one thing I have learned since I have written the above paragraph is that you have several different paths you can take in life. You can choice your own path, you make your own decisions, but when you continually have your past as your path, you can not direct yourself in the right direction. Time has proven to me that memories may fade but they do not die, the pain will follow you, no matter what you do to forget it. Horror is the factor, pain is the product and destruction of ones self is the ultimate pleasure to gain. You are nothing more than chest piece that is moved from moment to moment until you realize that you are not the one in control. Life allows you to choice, yes, but it also allows you to destroy much more in half the time.
Torture, where I live now, is allowing yourself to continue in ways you can not control. Continuing is destruction if the cycle can not be broken. Destruction is my disease, the ultimate demise of ones soul.
PkS © 2004
