Today, I sit and worry, waiting for a sign, if any, to show itself to me. Today, I sit and worry, if this is my last day I’ll have. Today I sit and worry, thinking over everything that has come full circle. I wonder a lot of what life has given me, I think a lot of what I have not given back.
I took a long walk today, by myself, just letting the wind blow on my face. No thought of where I was going, yet every few seconds I would look up and see the lit moon in broad daylight and think of how small a life, any life, really is. Today I fight all my fears that have been building up inside of me, fearing what the future holds, what life is about to unfold and to wonder if, such a small person as myself, can ever light up again in daylight. Today was to be my day, just to think, take in, learn, express and go though all the emotions I needed to, to get myself prepared for what tomorrow brings.
I have to say, that even though I’m not so easily scared with some things in life, I can’t say I’ve never been so scared before till now. It’s come full circle with me, all the emotions, all the blame, all the yelling and crying of not understanding why I’ve had to go through all of this. Facing tomorrow and facing my decisions are harder than I ever thought they would be. Guilt has played a huge part in it also, not reaching out, pushing away and not wanting the comfort of what I may have needed. But those are the choices I decided. That is how I wanted to deal with it all. Even removing my grandparents out of my daily life, out of love and compassion of not watching me decline.
Today, I kept looking at the moon, knowing that anyone could see it at anytime such as I. It put a little smile on my face, just knowing that even though I could not touch it, not pull it towards me, not take it home and wrap it up and keep it, knowing that it will continue to shine, day or night, no matter what the weathers like, it will always be there and it hold a piece of me now. I saw something today in that daylight lit moon, something that gave a warmth in my heart. It was something so small and so inexpressible, that it still just holds me, but I mostly believe that it’s just because it was that one little something I saw in it and knowing that anyone can look up and see it also.
I’m frantic emotionally, stressed physical, trying to place myself in a mental state of just going through the motions to protect myself. Is it working, no, of course not, if it was, I wouldn’t be sitting here having to get all of this out of my head.
Today, above all else, I’ve come to terms with everything and nothing all in the same breath. I over worry, I over react, I take things in the wrong tone and I reject to easily. I can turn myself off, shut down to easily for most, then search for something that doesn’t exist, some sort of guidelines within myself but never yet have found it. I can be the hardest person to deal with but can also melt at the tip of a hat. I can hold my ground for answers, yet give nothing in return. I have looked long and hard at myself and have realize that it’s not easy being me. Over this battle of acceptance, battle of surety, battle of past understanding and now a battle of a fucking disease. Tomorrow, I’m scared. Terrified, of what the outcome is to be. I hold my hands tight and start to wonder if all my years of searching for some higher power, some understanding of my place in the universe, some quest of knowledge of if there may be a person to pray to, isn’t teaching me a lesson. I was asked once from the man I love, if I wasn’t in search or maybe hopping of a God. I quickly said no, but I think he may have been right. I guess, when it comes down to it, I am searching now, for someone to give me an answer, a place I can pray, a person to hold onto and a faith to understand. But yet, my ego and mind both, sit here now and taunt me now, reminding me of my deeper reasoning, that I’m just looking for a place to point the blame.
It all comes down to this. I sit and I wait. Looking back right now, I wish I had done so many things different. So many things I wish I had just done instead of over think them. I wish I could have let go of all my fears, my memories that I blamed so many others for, then took my blame out on others I loved. I wish I had not been so fearful, so unable to accept, so ready to point a finger, so ready to hide and not allow myself to open up. I wish I had taken out the anger, the hate and the punishment, the blame and constant fighting over really nothing. I wish I could have just come to terms with things easier, been more open with my own fears, not hidden them from the ones I loved, who now can easily just blame. I guess my pride has fallen down, feeling vulnerable and alone.
It’s very quiet here. Nothing moving except me and the keys on the board. I can hear the wind outside, blowing and swaying the trees. My biggest fear is that I never get to say the things I think I needed to say. I guess its like a book that someone has written but never really explained a certain persons feelings. And I think that fear in me is that I will never be able to say what I’ve needed to say.
Over the past year, I have fought my toughest battle. One I never thought I would ever go through. I never would have thought in my life I would be faced with something like this. When I found out I had Cancer, I truly thought it was just one of those things. Something that would just go away with the right treatment and medication. As time passed on, and the news kept coming back negative, I started to retreat inwards, slowing moving away from everyone and everything. Treatments came and the went, medication was lowered and raised, a few good words once in awhile, but more negative than anything. Now, it has started to spread, and tomorrow I go in for another surgery. This one cuts deeper, more removal and searches for what else there may be hidden inside of me. When I was told of the results, I really was general with everyone. But when my doctors told me what the truth was, I just couldn’t understand. I blew it off, or I should say I made everyone think I did, when all it did was kill me inside, kill off any feelings I had. I call this my shut down, my lock down, my personal protection. I just kept saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, just one more surgery, nothing big, no worries, nothing to be frighten about, just a little surgery” but all I could do was close myself off and now I chose to face this all alone. This will be the whopper one, as my mom like to say. It’s easier for me, not to see the people I love, feel like they can’t do anything to help. It’s easier on me to have them mad and upset, pissed and anger than let their hearts hurt as mine does. It’s been easier on me to just write in my journal each day of my feels, shame and pain than to express them to anyone. But now, I feel that I may not ever get to say my feels again so I’m expressing them here, so if you or anyone you know has to go though all of this, you know the right thing and the wrong things to do.
I feel the guilt and shame now for running away. I know I’ve let the people I love down and have left them wondering why I’m completely shut off and non sensitive to what they say. Mostly I feel sad that I was never able to open myself up and just express how I truly felt. Why I choice to do what I did instead of just choosing to not care and walk way. I mostly think if I had opened up, would I feel the way I do or would it be the same feelings inside of me. Today, of all days, I have seen myself for who I truly am, for who I’ve become and who I could have been if I had just said I had something to say. But today is almost over, and all I my pride will allow is me to justify this in these short words.
I also can remember a conversation I had recently with a good friend of mine who asked me if I thought I had remorse of my actions or decision of my expressions. They also asked if had to courage to say how I felt to a certain person. I simply said “My courage was displaced over the past year, hidden deep were my feelings of not being able to forgive, pointing a finger of blame easier than myself taking the blame, like being locked in a shell that I could not break. My remorse is that I never broke that shell and opened up to how I truly felt.” I later said “If I was given the chance to change things, I would have and would have learned that love does conquer all.”
So night has fallen now and I’m going to go outside and just sit and watch the moon. Hopping that it will give me something that I can hold onto again. I am terrified, almost destroyed inside of what I am feeling. Mostly afraid that I’m going to just be a broke shell, that one person who is not able to let herself live again. I’m frighten and distraught, worried of what tomorrow brings, wondering if I’m going to be able to go outside and look at the moon again.
I’m a shattered person, more so than I’ve ever been. I’m sorry that I ran, I’m sorry that I just could not find the right words to express. My tears at this point are guiding my words, and I know it’s too late for the “I love’s yous and hugs and xoxo’s.”
