The Dream~~
Standing…staring at the door, terrified, scared and froze. Trembling within, feeling lost and confused. A brown standard door, no unusual markings except a few dents, one peek hole, one door knob and safety lock stopping me from entering. The door is facing North toward a set of stairs that’s railing is painted black. Strangely, a neon black that glows with the moons light that shines down on it.
I can hear someone behind the door, asking a question but still out of my hearing range to understand if they are talking to me. I stand there in a large overcoat, freezing as the rain falls down on me. I feel the urge to knock, raising my hand, pulling my fist together, closing in on the door, then suddenly stop, feeling unsure if I’m doing the right thing. I pull my hand down; then raise it again to wipe a tear away from my face. I’m feeling butterflies in my stomach, twisting and turning, round and round, making me almost want to run down the stair and not look back. I swallow hard; then decide to wipe another tear away from my eyes.
Frighten, of what may become, what may happen, what will never come of. Afraid of all the possible outcomes if I let myself knock on this door. Thinking a million thoughts in one second, letting my mind run with possible answers, no answers, all the answers, all the thoughts rushing my head, feeding off the fear that has over taken me.
I look up towards the sky, noting to myself of how perfect this night could turn out. Noting to myself of what a romantic moon has been allowed to shine down on me and how wonderful the rain feels even though it’s a freezing rain.
I find myself explaining to my inter-being of what it takes to love. To be loved, to love, to finally just let go of all the ambitions that hold me back. To allow the feelings to finally pour out, to let them stand face to face with the man I have loved for so long, yet have ran from. To face my demons and show myself that love is something that I am allowed, not something to pass by.
Taking all the energy I have, I walk close to the door. I lean in towards it, feeling as though the person on the other side can feel me, urn for me, pulling me towards him. I feel the presence of him, pulling me closer, putting aside my fears, anxious in wanting him, needing him, knowing my savor is of my fears is just a few feet away. I shed another tear, whipping it away with the back of my hand, torn in so many directions, yet knowing what my heart feels.
What is it that makes me run so fast from him? Run with the breeze that passes my face, that passes with each breath that I take deep within of me. I taunt myself so, going over each detail of emotion, trying to rationalize it out for someone to understand, but how can I explain the most intimate feelings and ever try to express them when I can not understand the feelings myself.
I pull myself together. Pull back all the tears, pull back all the fears, and allow myself to just take one deep breath. As I relax, I know it’s time to put everything behind me, put the caution to the wind and allow myself to find the courage to knock on the door. I lean inwards on last time, listening for any signs that may arise right before I place my hand on the door.
I knock, once, twice, three times. I pull my hand back down fast then turn around, looking for any person who may have seen me standing there, but no one is present. I turn back around, facing the door and wait for what seems like an entirety. I wait and listen for any sign… waiting, praying, waiting, praying…
I feel all alone, standing at the door, feeling like the world has come to a complete stop. I start to raise my hand, slowly again to bring it back up to the door. Suddenly, a noise, footsteps approach. My heart is beating so hard, my emotions running wild. I feel the warmth of tears running down my face.
The door opens slowly just a crack at first then a shadow appears of a man. I stand frozen in my shoes, not able to move at all. I do not speak a word nothing at all could come out of my mouth at this moment in time. My eyes adjust to the light that has been shined on me. I finally see him, I see the man I so longed for, loved for, lived for, waited for, and urn for. He takes one small step towards me, not speaking a word, looks cautiously at me, then realizes I am there, in the flesh, in front of him.
He looks deep into my eyes, seeing my tears, seeing all the fears that shadowed my face. He moves forward to me, grabbing my hand slowly, then looks down for a very long time. When he raises his head again, he is crying with beautiful tears rolling down is face. He moves my hand around his waist and pulls me in close. He whispers to me in my ear how he’s longed for this day, longed for this moment in time, longed for finally seeing into my eyes. He hugs me tight, afraid I might pull away or fight, but I allow the embraces. I hold onto him tightly, not willing to let him go, thinking if I did, the door would close.
We both stand and stare at each other what seems to be eternity. Pulling back from each other; then grabbing each other again. The pounding of our hearts are heard, both racing in our chests as if we were running a marathon. Finally, after a very long pause in our stare into each others eyes, after realizing, knowing and accepting we are here together in one place, our eyes without words both knew that our love was strong, our feelings could be see in two eyes that are locked into each other, both knowing they will never be apart again.
Finally, without a word being said, we accepted and embarrassed our love that for so long was not able to be seen, only heard. I opened my mouth to speak but was suddenly stopped with a single finger bring brought up to my mouth by his hands. He said “Shhhh, let me speak. I have loved you for so long; I have dreamed of this moment countless times, I have dreamed of you, dreamed of our life, dreamed of us growing old together… I have love you since time has permitted me, since the world was created, and before you say a word, I what you to know that I will love you, love you more than I will ever be able to express to you in simple words”. I stood there shocked, lost in his eyes, wanting to say so much to him but could not find any words that would be right. I continued to look deep into his eyes, nodding my head so he knew I understood.
Holding my hands still at his door, he led me into his world. I stood shocked in disbelief and could only walk with baby steps. I stood right in the door frame between the outside of the old world I knew, and was being led into his world I longed for so many years.
As I walked over the threshold, I stopped, looked deeply into his eyes again and said “I have loved you since the dawn of time. I stood outside so long I thought I had lost my mind, but I stand before you, here face to face, wanting you to know that my world, my soul and each breath I take, has always been interlocked with yours. I love you more than life can explain; I love you more than my words would ever give justice to. I have loved you since I was born; you are my soul mate, my lover, the man I adore. I don’t stand her as a freezing woman reassuring herself if this is the right thing. I stand her in front of you now, allowing all the fears I held back for so long, all my worries, all my torments, all my inter being of what makes me tick, to be left outside of this door. I stand her now opened armed, open to you, wanting you, wanting us and know that when two soul mates collide, reconnect, they are reborn as one. You are my world now”.
As he listens, a small smile comes out on his face, a small twist of his lips turn upward. He understands, leans in and says the words I longed for so long. Without any pause, without any fear, he leans closer to me and says “My soul mate is home, the love I have searched for endlessly, and I am yours as you are mine. We together are bonded by some thing greater than we will ever understand, but we are one, and I love you more than life itself.”
I smile; then we both lean in, his lips approach mine in the softest way. When our lips touched, the bond was forever sealed. He took my hand and led me into his world. I followed, not afraid anymore. Our love was sealed that night for both our eternities. It was pure, raw and passionate but most of all, it was ours and ours alone.
Was it a dream that I write about tonight? Or is it a future event that will happen. Could a dream be so vivid in color and detail? Could a love be so passionate that it could carry over into other realms? Could a dream just be a dream? Could this all be…Or is it a place in time that one’s love calls out in the night.
PkS 2005 ©
Crimson ~
