The Sympathetic Symbols of Ones Lost Soul

NOW I LAY ME

2011-10-01T21:59:00.001-05:00

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the lord my soul to keep

If I should die before I wake

I pray my soul the lord to take

~~~Sleep~~~

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

May angels watch me through the night

And keep me in their pleasant sight

I pray each night For my tortured soul to take flight

And pray for all my thoughts of you

To be firmly and absolutely removed

So your face is no longer able to haunt me

No longer able to stalk me

In my dreams or when I’m awake

I pray this each night

I pray this to sleep

Each night after my prayers

I lay my head down frighten of fear

Confused on what true reality will come

Two separate world I live and for which I have become

One life that is as perfect as a sphere

Another with jagged thorns that appear

One peaceful and surreal

One in turmoil always needing repair

It seems when I’m awake

My eyes must equate

To the current reality I live in

Yet when the somber hours unfolds

And my eye lids choose to close

The other reality begins to take hold

I pray each night

For my tortured soul to take flight

And pray for all my thoughts of you

To be firmly and absolutely removed

So your face is no longer able to haunt me

No longer able to stalk me

In my dreams or when I’m awake

I pray this each night

I pray this to sleep

Not being able to tell the two worlds apart

No longer able to divide my heart

I willingly erase all thoughts of you

And remove any desire to contact you

This is to ensure that no matter which reality is pure

I’m no longer swallowed in a belief

That one day you will rescue me

For when my head lays gently down

And any thought start to cloud around

Feelings that have been suppressed

Thoughts possibly of a gentle caress

Or visions of you may fill my mind

Subsequently I shut my eyes

And remember that the past has a place

No longer in my warm embrace

I pray each night

That my two realities collide

And swallowed all that I feel

Becoming one in this ecstasy world

No longer able to feel a shift

In my divided reality bliss

I welcome all that I’ve become

And allow the past to be gone

I pray each night

For my tortured soul to take flight

And pray for all my thoughts of you

To be firmly and absolutely removed

So your face is no longer able to haunt me

No longer able to stalk me

In my dreams or when I’m awake

I pray this each night

I pray this to sleep

PkS 2011 ©

~~Postlude~~

I regret my mistakes

That may have made you go away

Only I share you with my dreams

For you haunt me there

Forever In despair

For I… will no longer seek you there

“Alone in my shell I sit and wait… for the sun to get closer, to learn my fate”

You sealed your fate long ago

The Sun could not equate your enormous Ego

The lack of respect you shun

Enjoy the lonely journey you’ve begun

Sit And Continue To Wait

Wait…..

Wait….

ADELE - 'Cold Shoulder'

2011-10-01T20:36:00.000-05:00

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

2011-10-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

Adele - Someone Like You

2011-10-01T20:29:00.000-05:00

Bye Bye Baby

2010-08-17T16:57:00.000-05:00

Bye bye baby
Don’t you cry
I don’t know wrong or right

The world’s been upside down
Spinning round and round
And I’m barely standing on solid ground

Don’t shed a tear
Don’t you cry
Just hold on tight
Don’t let the world pass you by

Watch the circle around the sun
Round and Round and round for fun
Spinning out of control
Just as in life
Babe… it will be alright

Bye bye baby
Don’t you cry
I’ll be here on the other side

Arms opened wide
Waiting for you to complete my life
A kiss and a hug
Forever our love

Take the step
Don’t pass it by
Just relax, take a breath
And No saying final good byes

Bye bye baby
Don’t you cry
Hold my heart until I die

The world’s gone sideways
On its crocked shallow path
Turbulence surrounds us
But love will outlast

Bye Bye baby bye bye
Don’t you cry
Don’t you even shed a tear tonight
Hold your arms open
Close your eyes
Know I’m always with you
Kiss kiss bye bye

…Know everything will be alright

PkS 2010 ©

Learning to letting go...

2009-10-19T23:49:00.004-05:00

Learning to let go…

One of the hardest things in life to do is to learn how to let someone go. It’s easier said than done, most of the time, you’re taking advice from friends or family members who have shared similar experiences; but bottom line is that you have to learn the experience on your own. Experience the situation at hand with no one leading you there. You and you alone.

When you share years with a person, through the good times and bad, it’s hard to just call it quits, especially when both parties are not in agreement. When one person decides to walk away for what ever the reason may be, it’s truly a face slap to the recipient. Along with the person who decided to walk away, it’s hard on them as well, questioning motive, questioning themselves, their action or actions, the reasoning behind it and always the famous “what if” syndrome.

People come into our lives for a reason, maybe a season or for a lifetime. When you can identify which of the three it may be, you will have a better understanding on how to deal with the situation.

When someone is in your life for a reason, its’ usually an underlined desire to meet a need that you have expressed, verbally or emotionally. The person may have been brought into our life to assist you through a difficult time, or provide you with guidance and support or even to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They are there for the reason you needed them to be. Then, without any warning, quick as it came on; the relationship comes to an end. It could be a death, or a fight or even just someone walking away, forcing you to take a stand. What must be realized is that our need actually has been met, our desire fulfilled and we must move on from the situation.

Some people come into your life for a season. It’s your turn to share, grow and learn. Experience of peace of mind and laugher is what is brought out of it. You may even learn something new or do something that might once have been a fear. This type of person typically brings an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe in it; believe it for it is real; but only for a season.

A lifetime relationship teaches you a lifetime of lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. You must accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to good use in all other relationships or areas in our lives. It is said that love is blind but friendships are clairvoyant.

What makes a person want to quit on a relationship? It could be something as easy as how the person is, something deep rooted within there personality, maybe someone who can’t be with someone very long, to a variety of other things, such as timing, family, friends, culture, past experiences, possible future experiences, behavior, function skills, attitude, overwhelming thoughts or regrets, custom of life style and living, social differences, trust, bond, sex appeal, sexual habits, frustration, religion, believe systems, economic, deep fears of rejection, lost of feelings, lost of love, safety, threatening personalities, right down to the most common, they have just lost the connection between the person.

It takes a strong person to just walk away from it all. Most people are in very comfortable lifestyles, with people who are from their inner circle or most from similar back grounds. But up and walking away from someone, for what ever the reason maybe, is hard for both parties. When one of the parties in the relationship decides it’s time to quit, it’s no easy task. Several situations include having to “tally up” who is getting what material belongs, such as in a divorce situation. For others, it’s breaking the emotional bond they once shared. Even though one person may be leaving, there still is a bond that was formed, mostly made in comfort. Walking away from your comfort level is one hell of a task, but in doing so; you can learn a great deal of yourself, your situation and the environment your surroundings.

For what ever reason the person chooses, in the beginning it seems unbearable. The rush of feelings will over take you at times, making you question the process, making you question if you are doing the right thing. You will go threw all the emotions, love, anger, fear, sorrow, joy, lust, disgust, acceptance, anticipation, surprise, self-pity, hate, envy, anger, regret, sadness, joy, remembrance, frustration, torture, humiliation and questionable doubt to just name a few. However how long these feelings may last, some longer than others, some feelings lingering for years, there is no right or wrong for feeling any of these.

Does taking everyone who you’ve ever known’s advice come into account or is it just polite to nod your head and agree rather than explaining how your personal situation was different. So rather getting into details, just agree to not disclose and move on with the frustration of it all. This is a question that is separated by sexes it seems, since most women have to ‘talk it to death’ and men typically give a short version and hold feelings inward.

I can personally say that I’ve fallen into all of the categories, feelings, emotions, along being the destroyer or demolisher of the relationship more times than I’d personally like to account for. Rarely in my past, have I given any satisfaction of anyone having the “upper hand” on laying clam on ending things. I think most people can account themselves to be the destroyer. It’s a emotional mechanism that is triggered when we feel vulnerable or helpless in a situation.

It takes all emotions to deal with the simplest things, once the decision has been made. And knowing who you are as a person helps you deal with the situation even farther. Now, it’s about continuing to grown as a person, venturing out of our shell, taking the steps to move forward and learn to let go of the past. The ones we cared for in our past, teach us to love again tomorrow.

The question at hand seems to still be left at, do we let go and experience the emotions at hand or do we bend into temptation and continue with the same issues arising knowing that the relationship should have ended. To some, staying is believing things will work out, even if it should be decades away. To others, taking the leap of faith and going through the emotions of letting go, making a choice to weather the storm, knowing in the long run, there is a life after letting go and moving on with your life.

It’s been said to know love is to know one’s self. Love can be inviting, enchanting, alluring but TO BE IN love can be breathtaking, captivating, spectacular and emotional heart wrenching. You may love a million times over, in your life time; but the one you are truly in love with may only come once. And to know one’s self, know the answer to which the person was to you.

Though your time may have come and passed you by for now, remember again if it’s the reason, was it the season or was it a lifetime.

PkS 2009 ©

Guess who's...

2009-08-20T17:24:00.002-05:00

Someone is moving…
Far far away…
To escape the routine…
Of my monotonous days…

Moving on with a new chapter that’s fresh
And leaving loving memories of a past
Cleanses my soul for a fresh break
Leaving a tortured soul to haunt the rest of YOUR days

Waves good bye to all who I’ve met
I will think of you often
And know some of you I hold dear
And will remember the good times we shared

Welcoming a warm hello
In a new country
New city
New home

And maybe once I get unpacked
And set up my new flat
I might take a stroll
To someplace unknown

Ahhhhh, new beginnings…. Got to love them!!

Waves Bye Bye!!!!

~The ZotmIster August 2009~

And if you didn’t get a personal phone call regarding this matter, that means you were put on the NO CALL LIST https://www.donotcall.gov/. So go sit in a corner and cry your fake tears, then get a beer and a smoke and GO FUCK YOURSELF!! Peace out  ~~

2009-08-20T16:40:00.001-05:00

I think I’m afraid of the dark
That’s when the demons lurk
Trying to find a way
Into my forbidden place
You can see them behind the minds door light
Moving and swaying for just one bite
Watching them stir around
They are waiting patiently for a sound
Hisses and moans, whispers and deep tones
I think I’ll stay here tonight
All alone

Sneaks to the door…
Opens the door slowly
Invites all the demons inside
Blows a kiss
Says good night…

Gobble Gobble

PkS 2009 ©

Oraculum

2009-08-20T16:35:00.001-05:00

All that has happened now will happen again, the prophecy writes
What once was a beginning concludes to the end but will be again
What once was believed in, lived for, strived fully, will be forgotten, then reborn again
There will be an angel of death, yet an angel of life shall save what is right
And what has occurred will be counted again

The path we may take will be written time and time again
The path of salvation will be written in transcripts for our future generations to withhold
The truth as we know will be sentenced to question
The unknown will be answered
Our thoughts will be resurrected
Our path walked again

One life may change many
It may change all
It may change those who it has not met yet
It may change all who come in contact with it
It may decipher the lingering questions
It may not answer any; it may not change a thing
Life is precious, pure and innocent
It is our only connection with one another
It’s the one bond we have to our future

Believe in your heart you will find your own
You are the only one who can
You are the salvation of yourself
You are your one true question
You are the one true answer

What has happened now will happened again
The prophecy has been written and will be written again and again
The world as you may know is the world you have come to make
You will be both damned and rewarded for your actions
Your path is that of many, but only yours at freewill

The prophecy writes that all will be
All will have a hand in what will be
All will decided the fate of one
All will anger and rejoice at once
All have the knowledge yet some choose not to use it
All know the roots of answers

These words have been written before
These words will be written again long after I am dust
The prophecy is stubborn
It returns to remind us of the path we select
It haunts us all for a change
All that has happened now will happen again
The prophecy writes
What once was a beginning
Concludes to the end
And shall be willed again
What once was believed in, lived for, strived fully for in live
Will be forgotten, the sands forgotten, everything we have touched
All that have passed and all that will be, shall be reborn again
There IS an angel of death
There IS an angel of life
All that is right will be saved in our world
And what has occurred will be counted again, and again and again.

The prophecy is written
Man will be born, will live and then die
He will turn to dust and be released back to our world
Our only salvation will be written in transcripts
Held for our future generations to withhold
Terra ut terra , cinis cineris ut cinis cineris , pulvis ut pulvis

PkS 2009 ©

Narcissistic Male

2009-07-13T22:45:00.002-05:00

Narcissistic Male

You want the universe given to you in the palm of your hand. Narcissistic male with no intentions of understanding his goal or distinction in the master plan. You want so much resolvement to be determined by me, yet I have no answers to what you seek.

You find pleasure in running around; circling the universe looking for any person’s ego to burse; yet you always found comfort in afflicting your pain in my fragile world; you’re nothing more than a narcissistic male with the ability to destroy everyone’s dreams and hope for your own pleasure, of course.

Fabricated truth is what your life is called; always running away from your dreams in search of gaining some sort of power of acceptance or trying to rewriting other people’s beliefs. But you don’t even understand the truth you try to preach. You get caught up in the words you speak. And forget how one word can destroy a life, a feeling or even a passion that others may believe. But being a person who can not stop insisting, you of course can not determine when you’ve hurt another. For this is why your narcissistic ways, will always be a signal for others to stay away.

You’re determined to draw them into your universe, emulating your powerless words. You want them to put you on a pedestal, and pray to you as you look down upon them. You want to play ALL MIGHTY GOD, in the world you’ve created. Narcissistic games you’ve dreamt up and can’t stop playing.

You’ve never had a single person call you out for who you really are; every time someone gets close to your tarnished heart; you run back to the center of your pathetic non circulating universe. You urn for acceptance in this world who has branded you and you’re careless acts towards others. For this, you will remain, in stand off with humanity.

A sorry, small pathetic male with no comprehension of the world you live in. Open your eyes and stop stroking your ego and you might just get a small glimpse of what the outside world see of you. But knowing how you live for the game, the excitement and joy you really love to bring, to invade your world, slowly draw them in without knowing anything else except how to keep your ego lite; and when or where to polish and gloat, stroking, and lurking, and moving about.

What’s that? You ask so dear? Yes, indeed, it’s the world you can not invade, it’s the one’s who see your game; all the people who know how you truly are; sitting and laughing at your want-a-be world.

Karma’s a bitch!

PKS 2008 ©

Said

2009-07-13T21:50:00.000-05:00

Said

I’ve said what I needed to say
To release what is in side of me
To rekindle what was meant to be
Thus I can finally be free

But all now is out of my hands
Only time will have what the final word may be
Of what lye’s in the future
Or will be blown away with sand

What is meant to be will be
The universe is known to works in threes
If there is nothing else to say
At least I’ve said my peace today
And know that when I die
That I never held back my feelings inside

PKS ©

थे ब्लोवेर्स दौघतेर

2008-12-29T00:30:00.004-06:00

The Blowers Daughter by Damien Rice

This song brings so many emotions to light. It is solely dedicated to a royal pain in the ass, or more like a thorn stuck on your side that you seem not to be able to remove.

She Writes to Write

2008-11-29T03:09:00.003-06:00

She Writes to Write

She writes to write
Never an end in site
She writes to justify
The truth she knows
The truth that haunts her mind

She writes in a twisted tangled taunting tongue
Passing the time mystically to un-whine from the childish pawns
Knowing only HE will sees what’s truly written between the lines
For He is the only one who has ever captured her essence and mind

She writes and writes
To ease her mind
Never allowing the words to flow where mortal man can read them so
She tries to cover up the meaning with a twist of words intertwined

She writes in terms that the world will converse
And yet she writes to hide the meaning in each and every word
She knows only one who will decode the secrets that lay beneath
She knows He is the only one who holds the key

She writes to write
To allow her thoughts at ease
She twists the words so only a few can read
She knows if the world reads the truth at what she has to say
The world would sway a very different way

If the world understood what she sees and hears
Then the world would take note of their fears
But writing words in an tangled web
Is only a granted gift given to very few instead
Some may read the words and some may see the jest
But only He will know what the meaning truly is

She writes and writes
Never accepting a belief in time
For she knows nothing will ever equate
To the depths of her imbedded state
For the power of her words will never die in vane
So hence this round about word game
Time is just for the record, around and around it goes
But time is nothing more than a lesson
Of how the story goes

So she writes and writes and writes
Allowing her mind to take flight
Letting her thoughts drone out of her head
She patiently thinks ahead
Wanting to answer the questions that are continually asked of
Who could this He be and what could he be all about

So…she sat and wrote one night
This tangling twisted tongued delight
Of words that in turn explain
A riddle or what some may call a game

She writes and writes and writes….

It’s all in the words
The truth will be told
Of whom this person is
That taunts the depths of my soul

Nothing like intentionally loosing your mind
It’s always taking four steps forward and three steps behind
Taking a skip here and a beat there is nothing new
It’s all in the word you so carefully choose
The key is right in front of you
You just have to read
And know how to understand the corkier side of me

If you know me and know how I think
You will clue in to each word I speak
For each of these phrases has a single word answer
And in each of those words that you’ve thought were so clear
You may discover a name will appear
But only HE will discover the identity once the riddles are complete
For only HE could ever logically comprehend this massive feat

So laid beneath this twisted way of words
Lye’s riddles and jumbled thoughts for you to endure
Twelve twisters with hidden meaning to observe
But only one worded answers will suffice
Meaningful thoughts of how I see me and my life
Then once you think you have all the correct answers
You may try your luck in decoding the letters
For the equation was already mentioned before
You just have to have patience and think about me some more 

Sooooooo…..

She writes and writes and writes….

She speaks often of the key, this key is the key indeed, but where would this key fit and what purpose does it permit? Would this key work a rapid beat or would it just melt in the dying heat; the question still pertains to what lies beneath and what does this key, the key indeed, mean?

Time has no meaning, that’s all I see; but somehow it just seems to continually circle me. A circular motion that never stands still; just like my childhood memories of the carousel. You may also find me neither here nor there, but I still am lingering everywhere.

Look around patiently and wonder where it could be; in search you are, but first you may need to read a little up on me. To know where I am, first know I’m with myself and both hands, floating in an abyss veering off the cliff. But was it my nature to drifter off the beaten path, as I so boldly wrote in the past. Things always seem to go missing, but where do they go? And what do you do to bring them home?

Words whispered softly into a canyon you may hear, louder and louder they may appear. Though most references refer to a lost time, this ancient ritual was the one of the first communications line. Shout as loud as you can and be surprised what’s heard on the other side.

Deep below the oceans blue, lays a world unknown to you. Hidden depth within my fragile mind, lays a sanctuary of darkness and solitude that comforts these weary eyes. For this is a place that I treasure the most, it is where I hold my jar of hope. This place is nothing to be afraid of, if you know how it began, though it has taken me over time and time, I always patiently wait for him.

I may run and I may hide, but I know your arms will always provide a world that keeps me secure; a world in your arms that shelters me from my fears. You do this because you defend the ones you love, guard them from the evils that may arise and sir come.

You may have chosen a certain path to walk in your life, with its twists and turns that might not always seem right. You have a choice to either, turn left or turn right; for what path you may choose maybe not always be right. Which way to go is the question at hand, will it be left or could it be right, or will this choice take all night?

She may write and write, always thinking much of her obsessive passionate flight; to say what needs to be said, no matter what monsters speak in her head. Then there always seems to come a time, where a much needed change unwinds. She may sit back and think a while, pondering what was meant to be spoken, written carefully down but somewhat broken. Words revolve round and round in her head. But which one is correct? Remove one; add another, backspace until you delete the other.

Higher and higher, my love, I place thee, for you are my ecstasy. The angels I invited here float gently around in the air; protecting me from this shallow ground; while I continually sense you all around. Even to the depths of my bones, I embrace you as you stand alone. You came when I needed you the most; you embarrassed my most foolish thoughts as I looked upwards towards the sky, I now can see my lovers eyes standing …

From creation, to birth, to cause, to beginning, we always will search for the source of origin. In a quest to find out our pasts, some place faith in their path. It may be of a strict code of science, which most of us crave, or a biblical book of tales from yesterday. None the less, origin is the source of creation, to birth to cause a beginning.

These are what may never come but we all share them one by one. We each may see our world in different light; some are only in black and white. Others may have colors that shows deep darken reds or beautiful white goose down pillows on every bed. Some might see white wedding bells with some distant mural of a peacock’s feather tails. You could fall or fly, it really doesn’t matter how high. Enjoy each journey that may take you flight, for tomorrow shallow have another night.

Make your stand for what you believe, just don’t feel the need to punish me. Logic or logiest may be ones way to answer this but being overly antagonistic needs a rest. Take what is yours, no need to worry; it’s there for the taking if you are insistent.

She writes and writes
With hopes all the notes are decipher in time
For her heart is completely open with fear
That HE is no longer here
And the love they once shared
Has weltered away with too much pain in the air

So she writes and writes and writes…
Always thinking ahead to the next line
Of what words to put in use
To keep each one of you completely confused

But if you read what was explained above
Then you would have no problem decoding the answers of my love
And know finally who this HE truly is
That taunts the depths of my soul

HE captured my heart and soul a very long time ago
And now I can’t stop the everyday process
Of lingering thoughts and wonder
I feel it’s either him or it’s me
But one of us might needs to be set free

She writes and writes and writes….

So… she sat and wrote one night
This tangling twisted tongued delight
Of words that express an answer to be found
Of her one true love that lingers around

She writes and writes
To free her mind
Of a different time
A different place
A different day
Even a different way

She writes to write
Never an end in site
She writes to justify
The truth she knows
The truth that haunts her mind

She writes in a twisted tangled taunting tongue
Passing the time mystically to un-whine from the childish pawns
Knowing only HE will sees what’s truly written between the lines
For He is the only one who has ever captured her essence and mind

She writes to write
She writes to write
She writes to write
Never an end in site

PkS © 2004-2008

2007-11-08T23:44:00.000-06:00

Hola

2007-06-27T21:47:00.000-05:00

WOW 1 year to the date... excellent timing oh and LOOK WHOS BACK~~ And this will soon be revised so beware of things to come!!

The Convenient Woman

2006-06-27T23:38:00.000-05:00

The Convenient Woman

It’s always convenient for you when she’s around
She always there to entertain you while the clock ticks down
Just a convenience, to pass your time way
She’s your convenient woman who waits around while you have your fun and play

It’s a convenience for you and you alone
No pressure, no questions allowed, just a request of her full attention when you have a few extra hours to bounce around
Allowing her to hold onto a dream, filling her head with thoughts of what might be
Knowing full well she’s not in your long term plans, your attentive attention is based only on what mood you’re in
She’s just a convenience while the world passes each day
She’s your convenient woman, who always waits around, waits for you and prays

Though you know nothing will ever come about
You have your intention preset and no limit is bound
Though your intentions do not include, this woman who scarifies to spend time with you
She’s your convenience, your way to pass the day
She’s your convenient woman, who grows old of your childish ways

You are a master at precisely knowing what words to use
Enticing, inviting, constantly trying to draw her closer to you
Lavishly depicting how you want to be caressed
In this world you’ve created, this world you so desperately want her to believe in
You want a convenient woman to keep you company while you play
You need this convenient woman to fill a void you're afraid to display

You want her to stay constantly wrapped up in your precious little mental games
Always attentive in every motion, every word, every whisper you say
For your games and this fabricated world are the only place you can get this girl
She’s your convenient woman, just there to ease your mind
She’s your convenient woman, wasting her time

PkS © 2006

Je Vous Adore Mon Amour

2006-04-03T14:12:00.000-05:00

Je Vous Adore Mon Amour

You and I stand here all alone
Hand in hand watching the world revolve on its own
Looking deeply into each other eyes
All we can see is both our souls collided

Waits to say the words I know you long to hear
As I speak ever so softly in your ear
Wondering how long it will take
Before you devour my sacred place

Waits for your sweet lips to intrude
My world that welcomes you
Wondering how long it will take
Before you engage in my warm embrace

Finally I whisper what you’ve long to hear
Anticipated words caress your ear
I speak them with a gentle breeze
And remind you of how you’ve rapture me

For you are the one I adore, mon amour
For I can not ask for any thing more
For you are the one who makes my heart beat
For you are the one who completely completes me

PkS © 2006

A little side note ~~ Je Vous Adore Mon Amour’s translation is "I adore you, my love", which was written especially for someone special for thier birthday. Before any emotions were expressed, before any feelings were acknowledged, the words “I adore you” were always spoken ever so softly in each others ear.

Zotty's Potty Mouth Rendition of Life

2006-01-27T14:51:00.000-06:00

Update~~

Ok all, as promised I have added my little “Zotty's Potty Mouth Rendition of Life” section. Take a look to the right and you will see the link. Now, like most of you know, I write a lot, more so that I would ever admit to and I have as of right now, 37 blogs. All for different things, but that’s just how I keep things separated. So, Insead of opening them all up or boring all of you to death, I have moved around some of the blogs, moved some of the names around and have decided to start a new one since it’s a new year!

Let me say now that anything read is unedited and just purly off the cuff so what ever I’m feeling at that particular moment is what I writen, so if you decide to read it, it’s your own fault. It’s not called “Zotty’s Potty Mouth Rendition of Life” for nothing.

If you see an “edit” marking, it simply means that I have transferred the items to another blogger and NOPE you can’t see it, so don’t even ask!

So…. With that said, have fun, no more asking or begging please, but since some of you are interested in little old me, have fun reading but I can’t say again, I TOLD YOU SO, when my mouth gets away from me!

Peace, Love and Zen ~~Zotty Out~~

Walks on the Edge

2006-01-27T03:09:00.000-06:00

~Walks on the Edge ~

It’s not everyday that someone can look up and say “what in the hell am I doing”. It’s not every person’s life goal to acknowledge that maybe their choices in life, actions or choice to not take action leads them to a point in their lives where they stop, look around and say “hey, I’m about to topple over this edge if I get any closer”.

Funny how life just seems to pass daily, we each see the sun rise and fall, thinking that tomorrow may be a better day, sometimes thinking that all those little infractions in life will either just not be there tomorrow or maybe will be resolved over night without having to deal with them.

People walk on the edge daily without even noticing, walking towards a goal as they see it but later realize that the goal they thought they were so intent in making was completely over shot and fumbled. No score!!

Is it better to acknowledge the mistakes or better to just let them stay put away and just walk away from them? Is it better to “show face” and say “what in the hell am I doing, what was I thinking” and apologize to those who you may have hurt? Or is it easier to just keep walking the line, drawn in the sand, drawn by some unknown force that drives you until you get to a point where you can’t find yourself any longer?

Its all relative even if you don’t understand, especially when you don’t understand, It’s easier to just believe, you miss the point, you miss the door, you miss the belief, then fingers get pointed, the all of a sudden you see the edge that you’ve been walking on, without fully understanding how you got that far. Was it something so deep to believe in? Was it right for the day but the wrong decision that will affect you though out life? Does it really even matter any longer and walking on the edge brings relief to some degree since you know at any time it doesn’t matter if you leap. If you do choice to leap, does that necessarily mean you leaped on the wrong side of that edge? Is there actually a right or wrong side?

Walks farther on the edge, questioning every possible move, step by step, no notion of right or wrong, just knowing that walking easies the mind in asking so many questions of right or wrong.

Sometimes walking on that edge leads you to a frame of mind, where you can’t think straight, act insane or even be able to communicate. Hence, the phrase “Has she completely lost her mind” comes into play when thinking this. Could be? Could be not? Maybe it’s just the thoughts that aren’t able to be released or maybe it’s just not where they are all coherently functional and before you know it, and before you can even say anything, you are on that edge, trying so hard to at least get one thing stated but POOF there’s the edge again saying “nope, too close, don’t move or you’ll fall”.

Hell, I’m starting to think that if I bring my bed along, I can live on the edge of that line, since I’ve been hanging around it for so long. (Ponders… maybe a better night of sleep maybe??)

Funny thing too that I realized about walking on the edge, is how there are too many politics in just having a conversation about emotions or things you are feeling because everyone’s is ready to put you down rather than trying to understand how you feel. Everyone’s got a statement to make, but no one got time anymore to listen. Or better yet, the people you felt the safest with, the ones you thought you could talk to, seems to always be the ones who are first in line to stab you right in the back. But how true it is how things always come full circle in life. Things seem bleak, dark and “edgy” (no punt intended) but then something comes along, some times new, sometimes old but no matter what it is, it always seems to be there when you need it the most. Funny how that karma crap really happens!

So going back to what I was originally saying… Walks on the edge, do you sway one direction and face up to what you know you did wrong in the past and at least try to acknowledge it and say what you need to those you may have hurt? Or do you just sway to the other said, wobbling around, and think “eh tomorrow will come, bring something new so forget about the past”… And if that’s the case, when do empathy and acceptance, and admitting your mistakes and acknowledging them come into focus? Or does it ever?

Eh… For me, I have to much sappy crap fluttering around in my jarred head as I walk that edge thinking of right vs. wrong, yesterday, tomorrow, yes or no, left or right. Though I do see things from a much darker side than most, not willing at times, I do try to always lay faith in how people are redeemable in their actions or thoughts and how the past can be corrected to a certain degree even if it’s just from a simple talk.

Yea, I admit I walk that line, have for a while now, tottering back and forth, left to right wondering should I fall or should I just hold still and just wait. Frozen like a deer in headlights. I’m not an easy person (And yes you can insert “yes we know this” here). I think over matters to a point where they scare me off and guess what, I close that door and lock it before anyone ever knew I had one. SLAM right in the face. I know I’m far from perfect, and hell, I make mistakes ever day, but then it comes down to empathy and rectifying at least some of those mistakes that maybe you just regret more than anyone knows.

Yep, walks on that edge, thinks long and hard, not only for the visible but for those little hints that were there all the time that I’m so famous for not noticing. And thinking more and more about it, I don’t think I’m the only one who’s walking on that edge either. I think there are a lot of people thinking the same thing here because I know I’m not the only one with empathy towards situations and can accept that some things have been overblown or taken out of context or maybe just not communicated correctly. Hell, NONE of us are any better than the next person and everyone makes mistakes daily. OMG how maybe edges are we all walking on???

Yea so in closing, I get to walk on my edge a little more here. Things recently in my personal life have come up, dramatic changes have occurred and venting is needed. But as most of you know, I vent, yell, scream, blow smoke and then just take a breath; inhaul and just try to tell myself take it minute by minute and just relax. INHAUL… EXHAUL… yep, that works, then I'm totally over it, had my venting tantrum and then I just move on. All better, EXCEPT for that damn edge….

Ever feel like your walking round and round on that thing?

K, time for some sleep and with that I say something that I use to sign off…

PEACE, LOVE AND ZEN BABY ~~ Zotty OUT!

Ohhh…. Almost forgot so if you read this far down then you must also know I have been writing in a personal blog about my daily info and updates, deeper spur of the moment emotions, quick views and disapprovals of thinks. A few people have asked me if I would make public for them. So at the request I will have that public shortly. (HeHe I had to take out all the hate letters I’ve written to some of you) JUST JOKING!!

Find Myself

2006-01-22T03:33:00.000-06:00

Find Myself ~

I find myself drifting in an abandon sea
Adventurous by nature, paralyzed by defeat
Swaying with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in waves that are carried off with the breeze

Thrown against the rocks, jaggered edges of the bloody battle grounds
Waves torturing, demolishing every remaining ounce
Fearless, I carry on, holding onto a strength that is bound
Drifting in and out of conciseness, trembling, tired, I pray to be found

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

Bruised and beaten from this tremendous terrain
I find myself constantly looking for one single gleam
I scurry around to find the source of light
Not knowing if it will ever appear in my fight

Countless hours seem to pass, rain pounding down like shattered glass
Dragged back and forth from the ocean breath, waiting patiently for my one chance
Washed ashore endless times, scared and bruised, mesmerized by the oceans commands
Dragged back out into an abandoned sea, pounding swales trying to rip apart me

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

Only fractures of myself remain, lost in a transition between the ocean and my personal strength
No longer afraid of what of the terrain lies ahead of me, knowing that my faith will always protect me
Mind over matter is all that remains, relentlessly fighting not wanting to give in
Waits for the waves to over take me, I take a breath and sink gentle in

Where have I veered off the path so…
Was it in my nature to loose control…
Was it I who drifted of the beaten path…
Was it by chance I lost my redemption in rescuing my life…

I find myself lowered to the depths of this abandon sea
Once adventurous by nature, now paralyzed by it’s defeat
Swaying so very gently with the motions of this monstrous disease
Lost in currents that run strong beneath the waves, I finally feel safe, I finally feel released

Waits for my last breath to dissipate …

PkS © 2005

Writers note:

Find myself was a very personal piece I actually have worked on and rewritten several times to define my true feelings of what I am experiencing. The nature of this piece is two fold, very complex and with a very deep meaning written within it.

It explains on a daily bases how I feel; trapped and fighting with no floatation device to be able to hold onto, and having to fight something that is much stronger than I am or have given up on the will at times to fight. Though each person has their own idea of how to deal with things, such as cancer, everyone will deal with it in their own way and accept the factors or cards as some people call them, in the best way they can. Defeated is mostly how I feel these days, too tired to continue the fight, but still have the occasional wind that kicks up in me where I will fight like hell.

Secondly, it invites faith and redemption of changes that may or may not have made a difference in my life. Could every action taken, actually have an equal opposite reaction? Was Sir Issac Newton correct in his third law of physics? Could the actions I have taken to withdraw, remove or banish the people I care the most and love in life, be a reaction? Was it easier on myself or them? Was it right? Or was it selfishness trying to protect anyone else from getting hurt along the way.

Though for some it’s easier to read and just see words. For others, they see the meaning and understand what is being said. It’s not easy to write actual feelings down from the depths of your soul and so raw in how you feel, however, since most of you have no clue how it feels, I thought I’d at least give you a taste of what a day feels like to me.

Someone very close to me once said “only if you could walk in my shoes and see things from my perspective”, I always respected that statement, and have tired on several occasions however, I always knew that they never understood my perspective. It’s much easier to look in the mirrored glass, but when it comes time to fully understand, every person who does commit to stand in someone else’s shoes, will choose a different path to see things. That is what makes it so beautiful, is that we all don’t see eye to eye but can at least respect how others feel or see the world.

I wonder sometimes if it’s possible to just put on one of those shoes, let the other person put on the other and you walk together to find the medium; possibility to help each other see, how it feels from each others eyes.

This is for all of you who can not stand in my shoes. But wondered on many occasions how it would be for a day.

"If you're not the One"

2005-12-30T01:32:00.000-06:00

If you're not the one~

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings, but I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through…And I hope you are the one I share my life with

Don't want to run away but I can't take it…
I don't understand; If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through; and I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don’t want to run away but I can't take it
I don't understand… If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Cause, I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause, I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it
I don't understand… If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms…

2003(c) Daniel Bedingfield

December 17, 2005 - Little bit of something to remember

Editors Note:
Something special that hits the heart, words written, possibly in the dark. Sometimes words have a way to lend a sight that is blinded by shadows deep within side. A little bit of something to remember was sent to remind me, what is true to ones self and cherish the memories.

Sometimes remembering what is lost, sometimes remembering what holds people in the dark, sometimes remembering how people act, sometimes remembering why things have gone bad. Know that no matter how dark things may seem, there is always a light that is to be found, with the right search beam. Look deep within ones self and know who you are, grant yourself the power to over come the obstacles. And if you want something bad enough, something so pure and true, then fight for what is right and have your wish granted tonight.

This piece is not something I wrote but was sent to me by someone very special. It is something that is deeply special to me on several levels, but for now, it shall be marked, as one of my “treasured” and placed in that jar, I keep close to my heart. No matter what lye’s ahead, no matter how dark each road is, no matter how distance or shallow, no matter the outcome, the treasured jar will never be touched, it’s what holds me bound to those things I love.

Saying Goodbye...

2005-11-13T23:06:00.000-06:00

Saying Goodbye…

As a flower blooms, we are blessed enough to enjoy the beauty and solitude of each peddle it shares with us. As all living beings, here on Mother Earth, each must take its first breath and also take its last. The endless cycle continues bring joy and sorrow, mixed within ourselves. Deeper within that mixture, the acceptance of knowing your fate, your own demise, your time to relinquish your own shell, is forthcoming in such a spiritually way, that only few will ever understand.

To my beloved friends, who I have known over the years, I say these simple thoughts to guide you when you are no longer able to see the light… Remember who you are, no matter what tragedy faces you, pull your strength from within and stand strong on your beliefs. Don’t allow yourself to build walls, for in the long run, all these walls can do is damage who you are. Do not allow yourself to take personal attacks from others who can not see themselves for who they truly are. Find comfort in each others compassions, believes and memories for this is what keeps a person alive.

To my closest friends, I say thank you for sharing your thoughts, your beliefs and your strengths with me. Collectively they brought me great joy and the ability to see that no matter if people agree or disagree, we ultimately have one goal in life, and that is to make a change for the better, for future generations. You all truly have been like brothers and sisters to me and my heart is with you all, always.

For today, I am that flower whose time has come, grown and now must pass. In great sorrow comes a beauty of remembrance and solitude knowing that a persons memories will live on with others. I do not sit here today, saying good bye to you all, but saying a greetings of hello, for our paths will meet again one day.

PkS 2005 ©

Writers note: This was originally posted a few weeks ago on this blogger without a writers note attached. I pulled it off the site due to personal conflicts from the readers. Since I have always been an advocate about the ability to express both the beautiful and dark sides of life, I feel the need to repost this with a writers note attached.

Please read this carefully for what you read from word to word is not the over all appearance of this piece. And for those who have read my material over the years, know I write things with hidden meanings attached. This is in no way my eulogy, however, now that a few of you brought that to my attention, I could see these words being said once I kick the bucket. I will not explain this piece to you, I will let you read it for what it is, and let you come to your on conclusion, but let me just say, some times in life, you have to say good bye to people, things and feelings in your life before moving forward or accepting a direction that life takes you.

Abyss

2005-10-27T01:50:00.000-05:00

~Abyss

Here alone in my abyss, looking aimlessly for some sort of guide to exist; an exit to survive, a place to hide. Emotions running high, being pulled and pushed from deep within; shame takes over me, how things turned out with no redemption in site for these tired blue eyes. I could have shared so much more, I could have opened the door, rather than just a few small hints; hints are all I was able to say, through the tears and pain that I put away.

In search for that second, third or fourth chance to making things right, make things right in both sets of eyes, but never finding the path that redeems me from the selfishness inside. Quiet moments throughout the day, thoughts of memories that appear from the depths of the mind, shadowing, imitating reality, and when the moments pasts, I place them back in a jar marked “treasured”, knowing they will be safely put back on the shelf of my worried mind.

Solitude is where my mind finds its safe haven. It protects itself from all that is around, closed off to a world that revolves. Emotions are all that I have left to hold on to; it’s all that is left in this dying body. It’s all that is allowed in my fragile mind, it’s all I can share with myself. So many times, I regret closing them off, but knowing that if I allowed anyone else in, it would only lead them into the abyss I find myself lost in. How easy it would be for me to just open up, run free of the ability to express my inter self, to finally let go of all the anger, the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the shame I place on myself. But in allowing that side of me to open up, it would take more courage than I have in myself. It would take an army to pry it out, but time is not on my side. Time would not be so kind.

To protect the ones I love, I had to learn a hard lesson years ago, that even today has taunted and remained, learning to just let go and say the harsh word of no. To some it might seem that I don’t care or have feelings. Maybe not expressed as they wish or maybe have given them that extra kiss, but my feelings are deep; deeper than most anyone can believe and in an unconditional way, I try to protect them by just walking away. The abyss carries me off, to a shelter, to a place of somber; I need for myself to learn to live again.

The abyss is nothing to be afraid of; it’s merely a place that saves me from the thoughts that could and have on several times taken over me. It’s dark, hidden and deep within; it never lets reality seep in. It saves me day after day, though I have started to wish it would go away. If I sit and let the feelings intrude, I just run back to my dark, hiding room. ‘Why’ is what you ask yourself repeatedly; why continue finding shelter in an abyss of selfishness? Why allow all the feelings to be repressed, why allow all the emotions to be placed to rest, why hold back everything you consider dear to your heart, why faultier others for those demons who talk to you at night, why banish those closes, out of your life? Why give up on the hope of life. These questions are reasonable, fair and true, yet questions can be asked repeatedly when you’re not allowed in. To some it’s easier to accept, others question the actions of the one who is not willing to express, however as hard the journey seems to be, time does not allow me to set myself free.

The abyss is almost like my child, taken care of with great pride. Maintained like a growing garden that never needs light, a place where I find comfort, acceptance, non-judgmental cares of what matters most to me. Selfish in nature, I run and hide, deep within a place that takes over me, swallows me, contains me, frozen in time. Repeated memories flash continually in my face, like a puzzle of understanding of why I shatter all in my way. Once able to express all my feelings at hand, now I wrap them up tightly in a jar marked “treasured”. Though I fight for a release, I find an inter-peace sitting in my abyss, glossy eyed, blank waiting the ability one day to be able to finally set myself free. Though it keeps me calm, wayward in thought and helps me identify tranquility; my emotions run back and forth as these thoughts go, acceptance or dismissal of my abyss, but it is my sanctuary, mine alone.

Though it seems dark and bleak, there is a key to release me. It is out in the world that revolves, held by a man who knows me well. Though he may not understand, he knows he holds the key in his hand. This key he holds is much more than just steel, he holds the release of my abyss, though it might not come so easily, with the right guidance and care, nurturing and no blank stares; I might find myself released in short intervals. The abyss took years to over take me, darken my spirit and shadow me. It is my abyss, no others allowed. No welcome sign at the door. Though this man has the grace and intelligence, he could, in time, be my redemption I cry out for. For he is the one, these tired blue eyes have shun away, closed off from yesterday, hints to him were all I could say, tears and fears are what made me run away.

For here I sit in my abyss, darkness and solitude comfort me, pulling out my jar marked “treasured”, painting a smile on this bleak face thinking of memories of what was, what could have been and what future is possible if any with a growing abyss.

PkS 2005 ©

I Followed an Angel

2005-10-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

~ I followed an Angel

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to heaven
To the pearly white gates

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to a riverbed gone dry
To watch it bring back missing life

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to the depths of the deepest ocean
To shelter it self from falling grace

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to a playground
To see it’s wings expand and shower it with a brilliant elegance

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to a grave
To see it shed a tear in remorse in utter disgraced

I followed an angel
I followed it to a place
I followed it to heaven
To the pearly white gates

Heaven can not wait forever
Heaven won’t wait forever for me
I can only imagine the angel wings devoured
By empathy, solitude and shame

By following the angel
By following it to a place
By following it to the ends of the earth and back to the pearly white gates
I learned that life is full of remorse, shame and heartache

By following the angel
By following it to a place
By following it across the heavens
I learned each angels forgiveness is a personal redemption in faith

PkS © 2005

Ok just a quick update...

2005-10-02T03:58:00.000-05:00

Ok just a quick update.....

Yes, yes I know I promised Stop Waking Me Up earlier this summer and that I haven't forgotten it but I do have several other things over the next few weeks that will be up and on this tired old blogger!

Heres a short list of just a few things that will be out soon (something for you wacko's to read)

~Mountain Ghost - Included a very personal picture close to my heart
~To Miz Jealousy
~Universe
~ I followed an Angel
~ Find Myself
~Abyss
~Yesterdays Tomorrow
~To Say I - Title change will most likey happen

As this particular time, I am currently working on over 125 poems, short stories, thoughts or my lovely novel that seems to be getting a wee bit too long (I HATE EDITS)... And have been really thinking of taking some mental time off from writing so much. As many of you know, I do keep a personal blog journal, and do spend a great time in that writing my daily mental breakdowns!! (aren't you all so lucky you AREN'T READING THAT!!) So my little fingers may take another break unless some power comes over me to continue.

I do want to give a huge thank you to a very close personal friend ~ Mark~ who has been my somewhat editor with a few things... Thanks again Mark for everything and thanks for calming me down when I get on my "bashing kicks"!!

Oh.. one last thing... Just a reminder... I do write from the heart, some things taken from the past, some from the future and some mixed in between. I prefer to write what most people are afraid to say, to express or to feel. I am not afraid of the dark, but more afraid of what happens when the lights are on. I hold nothing against anyone, except myself, and for anyone who truely knows me, they will know what the meaning is of each peice I write. And yes, as several of you have asked or may already know, there is always a meaning, something hidden between each line, some deep dark secret that is shadowed by words that are easlier to place on a peice of paper rather than be locked away never to be said. Take what you want from what I write, it is my legacy that I leave with these words; words with meaning, words with passion and words that define who I am behind the painted smiles.

Till a later time .... Zotty out.....

Woman Scorned

2005-10-02T03:41:00.000-05:00

Woman Scorned ~

You said that you loved me
You said you would never leave
You said you never would hurt me
But you got your thrill in deceiving me

You never asked very much of me
You never temped me to go
Instead you let me find the door
To shut and never say more

You walked the walk
You talked your talk
You thrashed your means
To undermine me

You think you have won
You think you have gain
A persona of interests
A fracture of pain

You took your time
You continued on with your life
You were able to write the final chapters in your mind
Not carrying about anyone, or anyone else’s life

But one thing is certain, certain for sure
You misplaced your dignity and respect for anything except yourself
You carefully forgot that it takes two to make this type of mess
You forgot about the trust and all of the respect

You carefully deleted parts of your life
Placing the blame on the absences of selfish gains that came to mind
You bruised and shattered this woman scorn
Who finally got tired, fragile and walked out the door

Place the blame on who you will
Time is the only factor left to remain here
Was it you or was it me
Or was it that we just were to blind to see

PkS 2005 ©

Rita Update 3

2005-09-24T19:20:00.000-05:00

Update from Hurricane Rita NON-Central…

Well, 24 hours has passed and Rita blew threw with just a few strong winds and some rain but nothing to even get my panties in a wad for. As most of you know, I’m a huge fan of hurricanes and love these beautiful circular wonders. Reminds me of how no matter how far we advance in technology or engineering, we are still helpless and have to give in to Mother Nature’s glory.

Today has mainly been clean up day, most people outside taking down wood off windows, cleaning the yards up and putting their lives back together. For me, I had to wake up too drunk friends who passed out around 9 p.m. after drinking a bottle and ½ of tequila. I guess since we didn’t get the full wrath of RITA they made their own.

As of right now, the city seems pretty dead; hardly any traffic on the roads and it’s been over all quiet. My cell phone still can’t get a signal and most people in Houston and the surrounding areas are out of power. The news is saying that it could be up to two weeks for these people to get their power back.

But as far as me, I’m still just hunkered down; no place to go… that could be cause NOTHING IS OPEN!! And have been playing clean up all day, putting away stuff, and trying to decide what the hell I’m going to do with all this food.

Honestly, not to sound crazy (ok, yea I know I am), but I really was looking forward to at least some more action. Not in any means or way do I wish any harm to anyone or structure, but I was (in a sick demented way) hoping for something more than what I needed up getting. There were only two times when the winds were heavy and the rain came and went, but really was more like someone’s sprinklers on rather than a hurricane.

So as hurricane season comes to its end, we might see one or two more named however, I think this was the last one to hit any coastal lines for the year. And I yet haven’t heard one person mention on the news or any other media about the 22 year factor that seems to happen to the greater Houston region. If I haven’t told you this, here it goes…. Carla 1961, 22 years later, Alicia 1983, then 22 years later Rita 2005. All these were strong cat. 4 or stronger right before hitting land fall.

I find it interesting how in the 1950’s they started naming the storms. Anything before that, they just called them storms and the state it landed.

Who knows, but this is two years of serious action for hurricanes in the gulf region. I wonder what next season will be like. Maybe next season they will actually name A-W & on to the Greek (or is it Geekness). It’s possible!!

Anywhoooo…. So this concludes my hurricane update for the Houston area, I will now go back to my normal broadcasting schedule. For any other updates or questions, please forward them to http://www.idontgivearatsass.com/

Thanks for watching and Zotty out……

Rita Update 2

2005-09-23T17:56:00.000-05:00

6:00 p.m. central and Rita is being felt.... right now I am getting 65 mile an hour winds and the rain is in light but OMG you should see my plants, they are completely bending over to the side. Kinda freaky looking!! I have some flowers that look almost demonic now, like they are bending over to get something out of the ground.... Freaky!!

Will update as more happens.. oh and more lawn chairs and trashcans going down the street. People are trying to catch them. WHAT IDIOTS DIDNT THINK TO PUT UP THIER CRAP?

K... Zotty out....

Rita Update

2005-09-23T17:06:00.001-05:00

Howdy all from hurricane Rita central…

Just a quick note for all of you who have been sending emails, off liners and phone messages; all is good here as of 4:30 p.m. central. We haven’t seen anything as of yet except for an increase of winds and a few lawn chairs& trash cans drifting in the middle of the street. We have lost cell service and from what the news is saying it might be a few days or so. Who knows!!

I am highly impressed with my mayor Bill White, who has been on top of things and pretty much has just braced Houston and the surrounding areas for the worst case scenario. So, I’m hunkered down, supplied like a MOFO and have the company of my two closest friends, who have already as of noon today started drinking margaritas, with a little extra Rita added.

As of right now, all hell could break loose, the news just announced that now is when we will all be seeing the start of the tornados which could continue for the next 26-35 hours (even when the hurricane passes). So, I have gotten in the sport of it all, we all decided to dress up in our camouflage gear, including those lovely camouflage boots and take our signs we made (saying BRING ON RITA’S AND DON’T FORGET THE SALT) and go stand outside with all my other dumb ass neighbors and just wait for all hell to break loose.

I will have to make a few jokes here (inserts here)… first, I have to laugh at my sexy neighbor guy who lives across from me. He’s been outside all day in nothing more than a pair of shorts and work boots cutting boards out for his windows. Both my girlfriends staying here are all goo-goo eyed over him and have been in and out of the house running over to his house standing in the yard offering anything, services included I’m assuming, to help him out. I did go over there for a few minutes to just tell him to give both of my girlfriends a hard time (which he laughed at).

Second, there is an elderly couple who live next to me; Mr.& Mrs. gun freaks, who, I think have something really up their sleeves, have been also outside yelling at each other and the wife keeps telling him she’s going to bury his ass in the backyard. I’ve always thought these two were like old mafia or something, cause they BE WACKED! And if he turns up missing, I know the old lady did something!! But on a lighter note, he’s a complete jack ass, so hell, maybe I’ll help her out! JUST JOKING!

Third, both girls will be drunk by 8 no doubt about it, they are already sloshed and it’s been funny to watch both of them ON THE MAN PROWL! I mean we have a hurricane in our face, and both of them just want to get laid. I think I’ll be playing clean up more in house than outside if they both start getting sick as a dog, which I know one of them loves to toss her cookies with Tequila.

Fourth, I actually am pretty happy I decided to stay instead of leave. I am sooooo frigggen happy that I did not even get in that huge traffic mess of 3 million people with a average speed of 1-2 miles per hour. There are still several people stranded on the freeways here and I could not even possibly constipate sitting in a car during an event like this.

This will be my 6th hurricane that I’ve been threw. I think that is why everyone wanted to come stay here cause they all know MY ASS, no matter what, WILL BE PREPARED!!

Anywhoooooo, I got to leave for a bit and go check out the neighbors who are making a ton of noise outside, I can hear a radio blaring some KID ROCK!!

Zotty out……

Forbidden Love

2005-09-18T15:36:00.000-05:00

~Forbidden love

Discrete arrangement we both may lye
Shadowed by the emotions of an attraction that will not die
Placed is an array of feelings of endless guilt
We hold each other in a sexual bliss

Taunted with whispers lingering through out the day
Hearing sweet words that were expressed in somber play
Tainted with feelings of a love that grows deep
Swept in an organic breath, as it is blown softly

Forbidden love is what we both desire
Here is our playground, hidden with a passionate admire
For we are two lovers trying to feel our way
Not knowing what may become of our yesterday

Stretching endless hours holding on to each others breathe
We share one moment in forever’s bliss
Forbidden taunts as our emotions run high
Touching each of us in a passionate desire

Distance is what holds both of us apart
Lingering feelings of frustration for the day we actually touch
Holding our selves back for that day we have longed for so long
A beautiful release to compliment our forbidden love

PkS © 2005

Whore

2005-09-14T01:09:00.000-05:00

~Whore

You fuck, you scream, you cum, you bleed
You pinch, you bruise, you hump, you tease
You slap, you bite, you moan, you grind
You bump, you taunt, you suck, you fight

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Did you think of me when you fuck her hard?
Did you think of me when she was down on all fours?
Did you scream in ecstasy, begging for more?

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Did you get the chance to scream out her name?
Or did you bite your tongue holding back MY name?
Did you close your eyes thinking of me instead?
Did you pumped her hard, full of lead?

You fuck, you scream, you cum, you bleed
You pinch, you bruise, you hump, you tease
You slap, you bite, you moan, you grind
You bump, you taunt, you suck, you fight

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Did you start fucking, as soon as I was out the door?
Did you look at her the same or didn’t that matter anymore?
Did you think of me when feeling up her thighs?
Or did you just keep on going, time after time?

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
You couldn’t even keep your dick in the drawer
You had to run out, you had to get more
You had to find a replacement to ease your pain
You had to find a fuck who wouldn’t even feel the same

You fuck, you scream, you cum, you bleed
You pinch, you bruise, you hump, you tease
You slap, you bite, you moan, you grind
You bump, you taunt, you suck, you fight

You’re the dirty little secret
You’re the dirty little whore
Do you think I’d come back, after you fucked that whore?
Do you think I’d let it stay in the past and not say a word?
Did you think twice before tasting that prize?
Did you ever once think about taking some time?

PkS © 2005

Numa Numa

2005-09-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

I would like to introduce you all to one of my addictions... and let me just say, you might all know him well, but both him and I have enjoyed several long nights together sharing corky dance routines and some very funny laughs!! This poor fellow really doesn't get enough justice, so I would like to just say THANK YOU NOW Mr. Numa Man for all you have done for me and the internet world!!!

To you mr. Numa Man.... You are greatly loved and I bet with that eye brow of yours, you get lots of the ladies knocking on your door!!

Through it All

2005-09-12T00:20:00.000-05:00

~Through it all~

Through it all, you were there
Wonderment beyond all repairs
Fragile in your arms I lay deep in serene
Knowing my heart will always be protected in your care

Fighting for the right words to say
No matter how hard I might try with unsuccessful gain
I seem never to be able to pose them with elegance or reframe
To define what is in my heart, to define who I am

To find me here, knowing you were there through it all
Through the fights and misery we both endured
To feel the pain then finally understand what was lost
I have accepted my fate with a heart that is sunk

Back and forth we went round and round
Hurting each other for no explainable reasons found
You were and are still my rock of foundation
You will and have always held the key to my heart no matter the circumstance

Through it all, you were there
Wonderment beyond all repairs
It’s hard to imagine now with all the tears shed over the years
But you captivated me in ways I could never express or explain, my heart grew fonder each and everyday

Looking back I think we both can accept our fate in the attraction and the hate
We both know now the difference between love and love lost
Taking careless jabs of tormented pain, we both sunk into each others hearts for no gain
But we both strongly know we were destined to be
An extremely strong attraction that will always be between us

Soul mates that are intertwined
Threw a universe that is multi dimensioned with space and time
Interlocked with our fated feelings to strong to ever let pass
We are here, then and always… Through it all, long before and after…always soul mates

I will always love you
I will always care for you
I will always hold you close to my heart
I will always shed a tear knowing we are apart
I will always let you be the keeper of my heart, no matter what friction or time is between us now

I will always be half the person I can be, now lost in a world, incomplete
My soul trapped in a time waiting for its next journey to take hold
Now love lost, it seems to be shattered, gone, lost waiting to be reborn
Two souls torn apart, lost in a world of chaos, but not forgotten

But through it all, you were there
Wonderment beyond all repairs
Fragile in your arms I lay deep in serene
Knowing my heart will always be protected in your care

PkS © 2005

Crimson

2005-08-24T16:14:00.000-05:00

Crimson ~

Shallow breaths as I fall to the ground…
Lingering hands on my chest…
Feels the crimson pouring out of my body…
Light headed as I fall hard…

Blinded by the tears…
Moronic screams drowning out the sounds…
Coughs for purified air…
No breath able to hold in…

Franticly trying to understand what happened moments before
Here in a lost state of mind, wondering how I ended up on the floor
Bleeding dark crimson blood, shattered, broken in disbelief
Am I broken? Or am I the light passed on from a distant time

Raises my arm to shield my soon embrace …
Not able to feel the motion…
Drops of crimson fall gently on my face…
Covers my eyes with soaking palms…

Flashing bulbs of brilliant white light bouncing around under my lids...
I know I am not sleeping but I’m not awake…
Tries for another breath, unsuccessful of this task…
Hears a voice close to me, whispering…

I’m too lost to be saved; I’d rather just allow myself to die
My mind talks to me as if it’s my friend
Telling me all the secrets I found bound
It speaks to me as if I’m already gone

Why did this happen… happen to me
What happened moments before, before I fell to the floor
Frantic, frantic to understand, trying to remember where I belong
Am I sleeping, dreaming, of something that I fear

Tries to kill the pain from my mind…
Only receives more in return…
I am dying with crimson pouring out of me…
So much regret and betrayal, so much fear…

Will I be remembered once I leave?
Lost for so long, would it really matter now with how things turned out?
Will you be on the other side once I find my light?
Or will you forget me like all the rest?

Thoughts of what just happened keep trying to seep in
Franticly putting together a puzzle of snapshots of what was my life
Was it me who wanted to die or a reality that came to flight
Was it my torment that will not allow me to pass over to the other side
Salvation is now what I seek, my soul cries for deliverance to my rest and peace

Trying to hold on…
Still bleeding, frantic with enslavement bound to the floor…
Screams fill my mind as thoughts pass by…
My mind talking to me so I will not be alone…
Lost here in a crimson tide as the world stops to say good bye…

I take my last breath…
Knowing I will now be at rest…
I exhale in relief, passes the breath to it’s next place…
Closes my lids to a brilliant light…
Darkness takes over me…

Franticly trying to understand why I choice to lie down and die?
Was it me; was it my mind, was it my time?
Could I be trapped in a dream that I can not awake from?
Was it he, who finally damaged me so?
Or was I who took my own life? Was it my suicide?

PkS © 2005

My Redemption

2005-08-15T19:47:00.000-05:00

My Redemption~

For each day brings a new beginning. A morning of peace, a place of quietness that allows one self to deal with the particular forces that confront them. For today, I find my peace. I find my place in the world where I can be myself, who I have become, who I am, who I will be. A peace in myself of understanding who I am. A peace of the puzzle that has been misfitted for so long, yet knew it belonged. I have found my beginning, I have found my redemption, a place where I can finally see the outside the realm of all the black and white’s. I can finally see the morning light, the sun has started to spread upon my cheeks as I sit still in front of the rays, feeling it warm my face as I openly embrace it.

I slept for a very long time, forgetting the noise outside in the world and lay still without noticing the world as it moved forward without me. I gave up everything important to me, walked away, ran quickly away, and slept it off, sadly, to help myself find a much needed redemption lost in my universe. I walked away from many things that I still hold deep within my heart. I bruised and abused many, on my journey of selfishness, tucking emotions away so I would not feel them. Not allowing myself to feel, shutting down my functions of being human, not caring who I abused on the way, no caring who was left in the path. A tornado in several regards, tossing and turning round and round on a dangerous path that optimally ended in destruction and a careless regard for anything left. Shut down by emotions that were not able to be controlled, taunted by steel that was so easily available at any care or whim. Careful not to express too much, careful to express too much, careful to shut down when it was not good enough, careful to explode when the pressure was overwhelming.

Purging was the willful thing for me. Purging my thoughts on paper, purging my soul on anything that allowed ink or print, purging my body with any form of steel to explore the depths of the anguish I felt, purging my blood to water as I lay still in the depths of my blue serene state of composition. Questioning each move, questioning each action, questioning each motion that was felt, questioning each word spoken, running for the steel that was so grateful to grace my existence when ever need be. Here I lay sleeping, dormant in a shallow lost state, listening to the world rotate round me, leaving me in a wonderless state of mind, waiting, watching, drowning as the water turned swirls of crimson.

For today is my redemption, I’ve awaken. I’ve taken the first breath in life again, reborn to a world who let me sleep, protecting me from what it knew was a tormented state of mind, not able to escape from. Woken from a somber state of reality, placed back in the world with a beating heart, knowing that as I open my eyes, the world will gently edge me back into what I have known, what I have felt for so long, yet been dormant to. Today I find the cycle of the tornado stirring to its end, dying out, peacefully calming down to a restful end. I find the wolf that barks and howls like no other animal deep within me, had calm down to a restful place. I find the world back in balance; I find my mind waking from the dark edges it became so prone to. I find the light refreshing and absorbing to my pale skin. I found my redemption.

Following what my heart said, following what my mind said, following what my body said, following what the motion of the world said, I followed…I followed wrongfully to a place that I regret, but I followed for the sake of keeping my sanity alive. I followed to allow redemption into my life; I followed to allow the abuse and regret to subside. I followed not to forget, but to remember; remember what it was like before, to remember how it will be afterwards and to remember how to not let the crimson purge creep back in to my mind.

Do not falter as I have done. Bestow your fears, wash away your tears. Take not what has been happened to me, as a form of excuse or non compassion for the actions that have taken place. I ran, I fell, I broke down, I hid, I slept, I tossed, I turned, I woke, I regret, I purged, I found relief in steel, I let the crimson take over…I am of all things, human; Human enough to acknowledge that some things in life happen for reasons, unbeknown to us today, yet when the journey approaches, a brilliance will bestowed to show you a path. The path of which you must decide to either take, or walk away from. I am at the fork of the road, awakened to decide, awakened to accept my fate. Today is my redemption, today I decide…

PkS © 2005

Miss Me

2005-08-06T03:36:00.001-05:00

Miss Me ~

Miss me, miss me not, you had your chance, you fucked it up. You tried to pull to much bull shit in my life, so fuck you, fuck off and fucking die. Leave me alone and rot in hell, you son of a bitch, you knew it all to well. You had your chance, you fucked it up; you kept on pushing, way too much. You never let it rest; you always felt you knew best. You always had to have the last word in, but this time around, you haven’t got a thing, except a sorry little ego that’s not getting shit from me. You always wanted more and more, nothing was good enough, not even the simplest notions were comprehendible in your feeble little pathetic mind frame. Always in a search to find out more, you never let it come all nat-ur-al. Push, push, push for more, more, more, never allowing time to heal what damage had been done. Why don’t you go back to the center of your universe, where you can stoke your narcissistic ego any time you feel the need and allow it to lick your own ass! Go dance your dance with someone else, go play you’re egotistic mind games with someone else who’s up for a transparent jack ass who can’t decipher the difference between reality and the vindictive nature of his own pathetic little world he’s created for himself.

PkS 2005 ©

Writers note – Harsh you may say? Feelings come and go, in all aspects of life however moments in life are what makes a person, some good, and some bad but no matter how harsh it may come out, it’s how I personally felt at the particular moment in time I wrote this. We all know a person like this, male or female, who is egotistic beyond belief at times; who thinks the universe was and is created only for their soul purpose. After writing this, it reminded me of another piece I wrote back in 2002 (Blogger archive 11/9/02) named “The Perfect Narcissus”. Take a good read, take a good laugh, but most of all, and be glad that some people aren’t afraid of saying GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

Sunday, August 7, 2005 -

Writes note update - First let me clear the air for my avid readers who all left me messages threw out the day about this posting. Thank you all for continually reading my blogger first and for most. Secondly, this was not written for any particular person in mind, nor was it written out of anger towards any one person. In fact, it was produced after several months of hashing around words of anger I had written down, out of several different pieces I was and still am working on. To answer your messages, NO, I am not angry or disgruntle at a particular person however, in the grand tradition of me, I write how I feel, write it when I feel it and write it straight from the heart.

For my Best Friend Who I love dearly – For years we have known each other, threw thick and thin, I know you took “Miss Me” to heart more than anyone else. Though your journey has been long, longer than mine, we have always shared a beautiful friendship that has enlightened both of us, threw the good and bad times. You have been one of my best friends for years, too many to count and though the words written down seemed harsh and disturbing, close echo’s to your own personal life, fear not what they directly say, but the empowerment they may lead you towards. Learn to stand up, learn to speak your mind, and learn to say NO when you have had enough. You are a strong, incredible woman who does have a voice, a voice which should have been loud and clear long ago, but though time has pasted, it is never too late to use your voice and scream if you must. Don’t allow yourself to continue down that dark path I took so many times, but find your redemption and faith in which you are. Any decision you make, I will be here for you, as you have always been here for me. I love you girl!!!

Reason

2005-07-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

Reason

I followed my heart
I let it run free
I found it in love
With the man standing in front of me

I allowed all the walls down
I opened my soul to this man
I found a reason to carry on
I found the reason to begin

Though at times the journey is long
I find myself in no harm
The path we take with its whines and turns
Is solid with love, sharing and blissful, a place where we both belong

I willfully give my heart to you
I take no doubt in sharing what is true
I take the pleasure of knowing, knowing the reasons that be
Our love is true, lasting, and warm as we both will be

For this I know is my reason
My reason for being here today
I give you the gift of my heart
I give you the gift of me

PkS 2005 ©

Leave Me Now

2005-07-20T02:41:00.000-05:00

Leave me now ~

Leave me now for it would be wise
Don’t follow my lead for I am blind
Walk away from me now for I will cause you great pain
Let me walk alone in my shallow domain

Stop whispering words in forgiveness and regret
Let me go with no questions asked
Don’t hunt me down, you can not survive
All unpurified thoughts that run threw my mind

Don’t follow me to where I have to go
Don’t send a response for it will not be shown
Don’t temp me into saving myself
Let me falter to where I must bestowed my sins

Leave me now for it would be wise
I walk with the damned, pestilence disguise
I’ve failed in hidden that I truly am
Let me find redemption in Satan’s waste land

PkS 2005 ©

Doesn't Understand

2005-07-18T02:16:00.000-05:00

Doesn’t Understand …

I was young when you decided to leave
I was not understanding the reasons that be
I was not able to grasp the world as you saw fit
I was not able to understand what made you quit

You never wanted me to know
You always thought I was too young, not able to grow
You planned your action out with careful precautions
You left in a day, a minute, not thinking of the repercussions

As time passed and the stories were told
I learned about a different person than I had once known
I learned about the hatred you desired within
I was reminded daily of your lies and all your overabundance sins

I learned a great deal from those who kept the story alive
I use to think that I was the reason you took that flight
I never understood why you could not stand up and be a man
I can only imagine that you were your biggest fan

I can only look back and now say what a pitiful disgrace
Of how you destroyed so many people’s faith
You were nothing more than a selfish desecrated old man
Lost, forgotten to a time in the world which has no end

PkS 2005 ©

For He Walks With Us

2005-07-18T02:03:00.000-05:00

For he walks with us~

For he is walking among us, following us, wandering around each move we make, each path we take. For he is unknown to us, silent to us, forsaken to us. He hides in the darks of our minds in each of us, hides deep inside, lurking around deeper to find something within each of us. For he is who we do not speak of, for he is who we run from. He perceives his wishes upon us; we follow them without knowledge to us. For he is who puts thought into our minds, he is who divides us, who lures us, tempts us, demands us. The valley of self demise is flowing with him, torched flames from him, burning into each of us. He burns a whole deep within us taunting death or sacrifice. He walks in the shadow of each of us, knowing and waiting for the precise time when to take his action in each of us. For he, the divine of the valley of self demise, he will take what he needs, destroy what is left and once that has occurred he will move to the next. He takes all as prisoners, not releasing any souls, but when he has completed his tasks, he will sent each to the valley with all others, who came before you, all that come after you and all who will be in purgatory waiting for you. For he, the divine of the valley of self demise, takes all he wants and leaves nothing behind.

PkS 2005 ©

The Dream

2005-07-15T00:59:00.000-05:00

The Dream~~

Standing…staring at the door, terrified, scared and froze. Trembling within, feeling lost and confused. A brown standard door, no unusual markings except a few dents, one peek hole, one door knob and safety lock stopping me from entering. The door is facing North toward a set of stairs that’s railing is painted black. Strangely, a neon black that glows with the moons light that shines down on it.

I can hear someone behind the door, asking a question but still out of my hearing range to understand if they are talking to me. I stand there in a large overcoat, freezing as the rain falls down on me. I feel the urge to knock, raising my hand, pulling my fist together, closing in on the door, then suddenly stop, feeling unsure if I’m doing the right thing. I pull my hand down; then raise it again to wipe a tear away from my face. I’m feeling butterflies in my stomach, twisting and turning, round and round, making me almost want to run down the stair and not look back. I swallow hard; then decide to wipe another tear away from my eyes.

Frighten, of what may become, what may happen, what will never come of. Afraid of all the possible outcomes if I let myself knock on this door. Thinking a million thoughts in one second, letting my mind run with possible answers, no answers, all the answers, all the thoughts rushing my head, feeding off the fear that has over taken me.

I look up towards the sky, noting to myself of how perfect this night could turn out. Noting to myself of what a romantic moon has been allowed to shine down on me and how wonderful the rain feels even though it’s a freezing rain.

I find myself explaining to my inter-being of what it takes to love. To be loved, to love, to finally just let go of all the ambitions that hold me back. To allow the feelings to finally pour out, to let them stand face to face with the man I have loved for so long, yet have ran from. To face my demons and show myself that love is something that I am allowed, not something to pass by.

Taking all the energy I have, I walk close to the door. I lean in towards it, feeling as though the person on the other side can feel me, urn for me, pulling me towards him. I feel the presence of him, pulling me closer, putting aside my fears, anxious in wanting him, needing him, knowing my savor is of my fears is just a few feet away. I shed another tear, whipping it away with the back of my hand, torn in so many directions, yet knowing what my heart feels.

What is it that makes me run so fast from him? Run with the breeze that passes my face, that passes with each breath that I take deep within of me. I taunt myself so, going over each detail of emotion, trying to rationalize it out for someone to understand, but how can I explain the most intimate feelings and ever try to express them when I can not understand the feelings myself.

I pull myself together. Pull back all the tears, pull back all the fears, and allow myself to just take one deep breath. As I relax, I know it’s time to put everything behind me, put the caution to the wind and allow myself to find the courage to knock on the door. I lean inwards on last time, listening for any signs that may arise right before I place my hand on the door.

I knock, once, twice, three times. I pull my hand back down fast then turn around, looking for any person who may have seen me standing there, but no one is present. I turn back around, facing the door and wait for what seems like an entirety. I wait and listen for any sign… waiting, praying, waiting, praying…

I feel all alone, standing at the door, feeling like the world has come to a complete stop. I start to raise my hand, slowly again to bring it back up to the door. Suddenly, a noise, footsteps approach. My heart is beating so hard, my emotions running wild. I feel the warmth of tears running down my face.

The door opens slowly just a crack at first then a shadow appears of a man. I stand frozen in my shoes, not able to move at all. I do not speak a word nothing at all could come out of my mouth at this moment in time. My eyes adjust to the light that has been shined on me. I finally see him, I see the man I so longed for, loved for, lived for, waited for, and urn for. He takes one small step towards me, not speaking a word, looks cautiously at me, then realizes I am there, in the flesh, in front of him.

He looks deep into my eyes, seeing my tears, seeing all the fears that shadowed my face. He moves forward to me, grabbing my hand slowly, then looks down for a very long time. When he raises his head again, he is crying with beautiful tears rolling down is face. He moves my hand around his waist and pulls me in close. He whispers to me in my ear how he’s longed for this day, longed for this moment in time, longed for finally seeing into my eyes. He hugs me tight, afraid I might pull away or fight, but I allow the embraces. I hold onto him tightly, not willing to let him go, thinking if I did, the door would close.

We both stand and stare at each other what seems to be eternity. Pulling back from each other; then grabbing each other again. The pounding of our hearts are heard, both racing in our chests as if we were running a marathon. Finally, after a very long pause in our stare into each others eyes, after realizing, knowing and accepting we are here together in one place, our eyes without words both knew that our love was strong, our feelings could be see in two eyes that are locked into each other, both knowing they will never be apart again.

Finally, without a word being said, we accepted and embarrassed our love that for so long was not able to be seen, only heard. I opened my mouth to speak but was suddenly stopped with a single finger bring brought up to my mouth by his hands. He said “Shhhh, let me speak. I have loved you for so long; I have dreamed of this moment countless times, I have dreamed of you, dreamed of our life, dreamed of us growing old together… I have love you since time has permitted me, since the world was created, and before you say a word, I what you to know that I will love you, love you more than I will ever be able to express to you in simple words”. I stood there shocked, lost in his eyes, wanting to say so much to him but could not find any words that would be right. I continued to look deep into his eyes, nodding my head so he knew I understood.

Holding my hands still at his door, he led me into his world. I stood shocked in disbelief and could only walk with baby steps. I stood right in the door frame between the outside of the old world I knew, and was being led into his world I longed for so many years.

As I walked over the threshold, I stopped, looked deeply into his eyes again and said “I have loved you since the dawn of time. I stood outside so long I thought I had lost my mind, but I stand before you, here face to face, wanting you to know that my world, my soul and each breath I take, has always been interlocked with yours. I love you more than life can explain; I love you more than my words would ever give justice to. I have loved you since I was born; you are my soul mate, my lover, the man I adore. I don’t stand her as a freezing woman reassuring herself if this is the right thing. I stand her in front of you now, allowing all the fears I held back for so long, all my worries, all my torments, all my inter being of what makes me tick, to be left outside of this door. I stand her now opened armed, open to you, wanting you, wanting us and know that when two soul mates collide, reconnect, they are reborn as one. You are my world now”.

As he listens, a small smile comes out on his face, a small twist of his lips turn upward. He understands, leans in and says the words I longed for so long. Without any pause, without any fear, he leans closer to me and says “My soul mate is home, the love I have searched for endlessly, and I am yours as you are mine. We together are bonded by some thing greater than we will ever understand, but we are one, and I love you more than life itself.”

I smile; then we both lean in, his lips approach mine in the softest way. When our lips touched, the bond was forever sealed. He took my hand and led me into his world. I followed, not afraid anymore. Our love was sealed that night for both our eternities. It was pure, raw and passionate but most of all, it was ours and ours alone.

Was it a dream that I write about tonight? Or is it a future event that will happen. Could a dream be so vivid in color and detail? Could a love be so passionate that it could carry over into other realms? Could a dream just be a dream? Could this all be…Or is it a place in time that one’s love calls out in the night.

PkS 2005 ©

Blue

2005-07-15T00:53:00.000-05:00

Blue ~

I see a world that is full of a color, a color blue
I see a world desecrated in shades of underlined tones and moods
I see a world that is breached close to a realm
I see a world that optimally turns blue, blue pale

I see how each color blends into blue
I see how the world changes hues; softly, gently to blue
I see how far one will go to change what they see
I see how the world will end for you and me

Blue is the color of my soul and being
Blue is where I live with all my meanings
Blue is how far I will take myself with this flight
Blue is where I want to be on this journey called life

Blue is now, then and forever more
Blue is how deep my heart pours
Blue is a template in life’s path
Blue is where I hold my last breath

Blue is how deep my emotions run
Blue is where I hide everyone from
Blue is how I feel today
Blue is how I see life’s taunting ways

Blue is me, myself and I
Blue is where I cry at night
Blue is the depths of my heart
Blue is what I bleed when I tear it apart

I see you there, blue in transition…looking, staring, resolving, refining, disguising, wondering, moving, noticing, and believing. I see you, I see you blue, watching the world move slowly around me, watching my heart pound deep within. I find the elegance in your warmth, your embrace, your brilliance in perception, your drive for a desire in understanding me so, no matter what mistake the world has in place for me now. I see a world full of blue shades of somber, blue skies that fall each day upon me, yet blue is all that remains after the sky has fallen to another day. I see a world that can not hold me back, not a day, an hour, a minute. Blue is the world around me, blue is what holds me in place. Blue is what bounds me to anything and everything like glue. Blue is where my heart is.

I hold dearly the most intimate things you have shown me. I hold you in my palms like a fragile crystal. I hold you blue as if the world was on my shoulders, I hold you deep within. For you hold my secrets, my thoughts, my dreams and visions. For you hold me together, bounded in a time where only you and I can relate. I thank you for holding my thoughts in place; I thank you caring; I thank you for the warmth of your embrace. I see you now blue, blue in transition, blue of beauty and peace. For when I leave, I know what my eyes will bring to my last site in this world. I will see a blue world full of love, life and wonderment more powerful than anything bestowal.

Though my heart pounds for you, thought my heart bleeds for you, though my heart hears your cries, though my heart feels your fight, though my heart is broken inside, missing what once could have been, should have been, though my heart is battered within, I still see the world blue, blue deep within.

Fragile now I lay you still, I take my last breath knowing you will be there and well. Blue is my love for you, blue is the purest of offerings I can present to you.

PkS 2005 ©

STFU

2005-07-13T01:13:00.000-05:00

Ever just want to tell someone to STFU? ehhhh screw it... why say it ... ROFL

Blah Blah

2005-07-13T01:03:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what is the funniest way to get someone back for sending you a crappy website to read, that completely bored and annoyed you to death? Hmmm... Leave it up to me to find the perfect website to send back out to all your friends, which will keep them busy for ahhhhh.... about 8 minutes (giggles) but in those 8 minutes, they will be bitching and screaming your name!! What to name it, hmm? I think I'll just name it idiotwholookedatthiswebsite!

But I warn you all now, don't be cussing my name, hey, I wasn't the creator, I'm just the messenger!!

Runs off laughing..... and pointing fingers!!!

Thongs

2005-07-07T19:48:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen my thongs?

Foamy

2005-07-07T01:03:00.000-05:00

Zotty’s Random thought for the evening….

FOAMY! My lord and master…. FOAMY! Creamy Cheese!!!!

Thank you!

Oh PS –

If you don’t know who the hell FOAMY is…. Walk away from your computer now, shut it off, walk far away….. Ok, looks around, ok their gone. Good, now, I can scream what an IDIOT they are!!

Ah, much better.

This concludes Zotty’s random thought for the day.

Thank you!

Oh double PS - I did add a few of Foamy's famous advice tidbits to the world! Have a fun time watching all three of them... oh and your offended.... as Foamy would say, Shut the fuck up and fucking die! ROFL .... smiles!! TTFN!!

Love Song Unsung

2005-07-06T01:34:00.000-05:00

Love Song Unsung ~

It won’t do any good singing anymore love songs to me
I’ve decided that I’m going away, far from our destiny
Won’t do no good knowing what I’m doing now
Won’t do no good knowing what I have planned

I’ve gone away, running and won’t look back
Won’t do any good singing anymore love romantic crap
Won’t do any good asking any more questions of what it all meant
I’ll just see you on the other side when all of this has come to an end
You won’t ever understand; I’m going away and won’t be back

Won’t do no good singing any more of your love songs
My standards have changed for loving you so
My thoughts and bounds have led me to this point
No sense in asking, because I’m not planning anymore

My actions will speak louder than what time can afford
The dark is bound now for my soul to take back
I’m going away, far far away, I’m gone, running away

Don’t send me any flowers; don’t send me any more love songs
Don’t send me any more love for my heart is dead, just as I am and where it belongs
Don’t worry any more, keep moving along with your life
Don’t send me anymore more memories, for my soul is finally taking a set flight

My fear for you boy, is that you can’t carry any of this out
My fear for you boy, is that you can’t carry on with out me
My fear for you boy, is that you never even listened to what was there
My fear for you boy, is that life moved on, just not with me in it

PkS 2005 ©

My Beating Heart

2005-07-06T00:31:00.000-05:00

My Beating Heart ~

I gave you my heart, handed it to you without concern, without even questioning your intentions or finding reasonable doubt in your words. You had no resistance taking it, no questions ask, you gladly took it and said you would hold it for a lifetime of love and nutriment. You begged for attention, when it got distracted or selfish, you would just remind it when it was being too compulsive, knowing that was not its intention at all. I begged for you to hold it gently and kind, you said it would be yours until the end of time. You always looked for a safe place to keep it propped and secure, you seemed to give it great attention, more than anything else in your world.

You would caress it with gently thought. You would talk to it like it was your own, no matter what. You held it with pride and would shout to the world; this is the heart I love so dear. You held it up for everyone to see, you were addicted to it and could bare it no harm, just glee. You would say the things it needed most to hear; you kept it in a warm place, your sanctuary of endless love, where most people would fear.

But time started to shift, a rift you might say, your interests were not what you wished, anymore for the day. You became incredible addicted to changing how my heart felt. You wanted to defeat it and find some reason why it works in the strange ways it does. You always felt it was not good enough, you always wanted to have more, rather than what it could only bare. You decided to look for another heart to compare, you decided that if you did that, you would understand and be able to repair. You tempted several means, you choosed a path that wasn’t me and quickly you lost grip on what you had.

You kept pushing and pushing for answers of why, but sadly you broke it and the glue wouldn’t comply. You tired to repair it, with all sort of words and means, but in the end, there was no fixing it, it was shattered without repair.

You thought by giving charismatic words to it would make the glue stick, you thought telling it what you thought it wanted was the easy fix. You never took time to understand why, why now, why then; you kept on trying but in the end, it just would sit and be non compliant with your lies. Needless to say, you broke it each and every day when you decided to not pay attend it anymore. You walked away, thinking it would be there another day, when you had finished with your fun and games.

You had your chance, you had it all wrapped up in the palm of your hands, but you threw it out, thinking that in time it would come around, but sadly your mistaken, you no longer have control of what my pounding heart may hold. You lost your way to another day and now you’re alone in your search for answers.

Take this lesson wisely, you never know when temptation may arise, and when it does, you may want to run because you might loose more than you could imagine.

So when you decide to crawl back and want another chance, remember how you had the world in your hands. Hearts are not be tampered with, no action or word can stand alone when a heart feels betrayed and alone.

PkS 2005 ©

2005-07-01T22:59:00.000-05:00

Who did it? Not me!!
Where's Waldo?

This is Kasi... the most spoiled pup in the world. And let's just say SPOIL is an understatement!!

How the World Revolves in an Endless Night

2005-07-01T01:56:00.000-05:00

How the world revolves in an endless night ~

Funny how the world revolves, round and round it goes. To some it might look as though it’s not moved, not in motion or in a complacent tiresome state. How the world keeps going, as some people stay still, no motion, no advancement, no acceptance to the concept of motion. Round and Round it goes, which exit, no body knows. When is it your turn to step off this ride? When is it time for the motion to stop?

Ever see yourself on a carousal ride? Riding the horses, lions and tigers OH MY? Which way to the big top, which way is down? When is this ride ever going to end! This merry-go-around keeps circling around and around, faster and faster with no end in site. Where is the trash can, I think I need to puke!

Funnier even is how we use to love to be spun around as a kid. Never getting enough of it, even if we puked our guts up to no end. Parents would hold our hair back from our head, patting our backs reminding us of what we ate.

I rode that carousal for way to long. Time is of the essence now. Time for the world to pick up speed and move forward for me. It’s been a long day coming, who knows where it will take me.

Round and round we go. Time is at a complete stand, no where to go. Not knowing which way to get off this ride. Round and round I go…. Which way is the exit is completely unknown. Wandering aimlessly in a fogged state of mind, trying to correlate my thoughts before they fall out of me. Round and round, spinning out of control, trying to find any ejection button to release me. I want to run wild, run until the ride stops, but can’t find any end in site.

Looks around for any sign, a sign above all else. Can’t see anything in site, nothing looks right, nothing is correct, nothing is wrong, just something is biting me. Slaps my senses into place, tries to catch even the smallest little thing. Spacing out in time, refracting my mind, to gain control of a inter being that trapped in conjure, trapped in a state of mind that is bound. Not sure of anything now, not sure of whom I really have become… Round and Round, the carousal spins more, but still hasn’t freed me. To many thoughts running wild in my head, too many unknowns gathered, to many regrets.

I can’t breath; too much has taken over my mind, too much thought, too much time, too much spinning, uncontrollable, pain pouring out of me. I can’t run, I can’t hide, I can’t find a place to rest my mind. I can’t rest, I can’t sleep, I can’t find anything, anything at all. Motion is all I see, too fast of a pace, not understanding why it’s so confusing for me.

Finally the world seems to be slowing down in pace, not turning around in a crazy disgrace. Slowing down enough for me, slowing down for me to finally see. Slowing down enough for me to jump, slowing, slowing, slowing and finally off. Completely at a stand still, the ride seems to have let all it’s passengers off. Easing myself off the ride, sliding myself gently off to the side, heads still in a spin, not able to keep my feet on track with the ground. I look back, look to see what I just exited, puzzled in dizziness, influenced by the natural high, feeling like I need to take two baby step backwards, knowing that nothing will make sense and think, how simple it would be if I had just not allowed the ride, round and round it went and goes, to take me off the beaten path, now I have to recluse myself. Don’t even know what direction to take, don’t even know if my feet will be able to walk oh where I need to be, but as I walk away, I keep reminding myself what to and what not to say. Clear the mind of all the thoughts, allow the world to continue on its axel spin around and around. Let my thoughts stay in there, caught up in carousal.

Oh one more thing, ranting or raving is one of my best things. In this rant, deeply lies a very strong feeling, being lost and confused, feeling a sudden spin thrown into my world. Not knowing where or when, I’ll be able to finally admit, that paranoid thoughts have been ramped inside, walls are building for no reason in mind, just feelings of confusing, lost and complacent, trying to understand, why I just didn’t listen to that little voice inside.

~~ Writers note - This was a complete free style write. No edits, corrections, no spellchecks, grammar, or any of that done. Like it or leave it, it's how it came out. Oh and remember, don't take the ride if your not 42 inches tall or have just eatten within 30 minutes. OH and what ever you do... don't breath... your lungs will kill you afterwards!

~ PkS 2005 ©

Addicted Eh?

2005-06-30T01:35:00.000-05:00

Addicting eh? Emmmm Hmmmm.... then addicted you shall be... addicted, to little old me!

Trickled Effect

2005-06-29T13:39:00.000-05:00

Trickled Effect~

Trickling down my face I feel a warmth embrace
Of something pure and innocent that braces me

Trickling down my face I feel the moisture starting to escape
Of the laughter that has subsided, once the wind has sat still beside me

Trickling down my face, I start to feel the straight lines with no grace
Of purity and security twirling deep within myself

Trickling down my face, I find a gentle tear that pours itself downward
Of love and serenity held by a single passing of joy deep from within me

Trickling down my face, I find a passive place where I can find myself
Of feelings and memories that are mine, mine alone

Trickling down my face, I sense a wonderment of arrays that lead me down this path
Of absence grown deep within my heart, founded by a moisture that grows from within mine own

PkS 2005 ©

2005-06-29T13:18:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm... pic's on bloggers now... Now all of you are in for it!

Swimming

2005-06-29T13:02:00.000-05:00

Swimming in a faded washed world of reality... breathless in life, with a beauty that can not be touched, just felt by my warm embrace. Touched by life, touched by grace, touched with an innocence that holds me in place.

PkS 2005 ©

Fallen

2005-06-29T02:24:00.000-05:00

Fallen ~

I’ve fallen….
Fallen for you, fallen for every little move, fallen for every breath you take, fallen in love with where we are today.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen deep within your eyes, fallen giddy for your laughter and smile, fallen even more for who you are, I’ve fallen and fallen hard.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for each word that is said, fallen for each thought that is in your head, fallen for your values in life, fallen in a place that just feels so right.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for your talents and cares, fallen for every corky little detail, fallen for understanding you so, fallen deeper into your soul.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for you, fallen for every little move, fallen for who you opened up to be, fallen in love with what we maybe.

I’ve fallen…
Fallen for a man who brings a smile to my face, fallen for a man who understands my shy quite state, fallen for a man who searches the world aimlessly, fallen for a man who I could love endlessly.

PkS 2005 ©

Sleep well Young Prince

2005-06-27T02:03:00.000-05:00

Sleep well Young Prince ~

Sleep well my young prince...Shall dusty white fairies pass above your bed and give you smooches from my sweet lips! While your dancing dreams are still in flight, just remember, I’m always by your side. If you should sleep you life away, remember how much my love for you is tucked away. For one simple kiss will awake you from your dreams. And if you can’t find me there by your side, you can always find me lying under the sycamore tree; off in my own fairy filled dreams. If you should try to wake me with a kiss, know this one simple thing, all my wishes become your dreams.

PkS 2005 ©

Dark Thoughts

2005-06-27T01:58:00.000-05:00

Dark Thoughts ~

Dark thoughts run through my mind. Shadows sneaking endlessly in each corner trying to find a place to hide. Frighten of the light, betrayed by the dark; running countless hours avoiding what will unavoidably be my depart. Tired of the fight I make myself go through. Bored of the feeling of never being rescued. It’s easier to close and lock all the doors, but the darkness is calling and will be received with open arms.

This scared little girl had come to her end, of not understanding the grand torment plan. Darkness runs wild with lucid thoughts of suicide; dancing around like brushed wildfires. Not willing to accept a belligerent disgrace of man vs. mind on any mental state.

Dark thoughts continue, hidden to the world to see, not caring at damn what people may think. Nothing new to interject, nothing old to hold me back, nothing at all for me to see, just a darkness that has over taken me. When I lie in bed at night and pray that it is my last breath to take, nothing more seems so relaxing; nothing more is there to make me accept it. I have fought an excellent battle, but the more I fight, the more I know, I won’t be coming home with a trophy to flash and show. The battle was fought with dignity and respect, but sadly I did not win.

Dark thoughts run though my mind, finding all the crevices to take up my time. We have sat for several hour with conversation that temp me, yet, I’m still just that scared little girl who hasn’t fled. Once the time has been secured, I will take matters in my own accord. Not allowing the final battle to be lost, but rather just allowing the white flag to be raised high, no more tortured long dragged out nights.

PkS 2005 ©

Just a quick update

2005-06-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update…..

I know I have not been around much lately, but as time has passed, my thoughts and writings are still deep within me. I have several pieces of my soul that I will be posting over the next few weeks that I have put much thought and energy in. Though my absence has been noticed from so many of you, I say from the depths of my soul that I do appreciate all the support, energy and love that you have sent to me, in either yahoo, emails, phone calls with the occasional unspoken words not left.

Time is a tricky thing. The body and mind need time to rest, relax and comprehend both current and past situations. Though it may seem as if the door has been shut, locked down or bolted, it has been my intention to re-coop from the world and try to find my perfect path in life. I can not say I have found that perfect path, but I feel I am at least finding my way slowly.

And yes, for those of you who know I have been writing Stop Waking Me Up and have previewed some of it, yes, yes, yes…. I will have the 1st chapter on this blogger soon. I am still making edits to the story!

Thank you again for all the support and love. The past few years have been dark, but yet a place some people need to attend to understand their meaning in life.

Zotty

In my Darkest Hour

2005-03-09T18:40:00.000-06:00

In my darkest hour I see him walking away
In my darkest hour I see what could have been tomorrow, even yesterday
I see a woman who is obsessed with thoughts of being hurt
I see a woman whom has locked herself down for no good, too much regret

In my darkest hour, I hear no angels surround
In my darkest hour, I hear no heart beats except my own, beating alone
I see a woman who is driven by fear and tears
I see a woman whom has allowed the man she loves to disappear

PkS © 2005

To the Man I Love

2005-03-09T18:33:00.000-06:00

To the man I love~

I leave you with these simple words to express my deepest feelings, my faintest thoughts and the endless love that I feel for you.

You brighten my day each morning I rise. You place a smile on my face each and every moment of that day, even when I sit and think of all that we had to overcome.

You nurture me into taking my first breath each morning I rise, with an endlessness beauty I can see only with my eyes; that holds my heart in the warmth of your loving arms, even though they are thousands of miles apart.

From the depths of my existence, I take each breath to love you, to hold you, to cherish and honor you, no thoughts of envy, no thoughts of worry, just unconditional love.

I stand with both legs, knowing that you will be there to catch me if I should fall. I hold both arms out, knowing that your love will be what returns to me. I feel the warmth of your body when I stand in fear, knowing you will protect me from what may arise, dark or bright, your love settles me.

To the depths of the ocean, to the scorched rays of the sun, I know your love is sheltering me, from endless fears I try to protect myself from. From the darkness of space, the vast unknown galaxy we both share, I know both our souls and love are there to bond us until it should explode, holding each other until the end.

You always have kind words, even in your darkest hour. You can loose your temper, as we all can do from time to time, but yet time heals both you and me, and yet I’m drawn even more to you, each day, each minute, each second that passes. You have blocked the world that I do not want to see, to shelter me in an ancient love that has been between us for an endless amount of time and will continue to follow past this short life.

To the man I love, I leave you these words that can only show you the tinniest bit of what my heart feels for you.

PkS © 2004

“I won’t go, I won’t sleep, I can’t breath, until you are here resting her with me… I won’t leave, I can’t hide, I can not be, until you are resting here with me…”
Dido © 1999

The Little Girl Inside of...

2005-02-06T19:52:00.000-06:00

The little girl inside of ....

I’m dossal in decision; lost in transition from something I’ve put away…feelings for what I want to feel another day. Pushed by society, frantic in abandonment, eager to lead myself out of fear, passionate about not allowing anyone else to touch or feel me. Not able to allow anyone near or close, I hide away any thing of value. Behind that closed door lies a scared frighten girl, who has decided to remain in solitude. Far off in her mind, she’s wrapped herself up with divine, pleasant ventures of what could have been. She plans each day with a trip down memory lane, where she relives what she feels is needed to survive in her precarious state of mind, no matter what the horror it brings. She then decides to take a drive, where she likes to spend her quiet time. After awhile, she finds a path, where she swears up and down has never been touched, and walks towards her hidden river bed. As she sits and cries, over tea with a splash of wine, she never yet understands how she arrived to this place in time. For her, she wallows in fear, always remembering her fears, gently allowing them to take over her each day. She can’t step away, not in her fragile state, not even for a minute for a breath of fresh air. Later in the day, she writes out all her pain, praying that no one will ever read it. Reminders of a childhood of unwanted ness and deceit, secret talks in the halls, father behind bars, death loomed even at birth. Later in life, a repeat of the same, shamed by allowing it to reoccur. She finally found love, deep pure willing love, but banished it out of her heart, scared of getting more hurt, not understanding the depths it actually had bound her. As she wipes the tears, she knows writing it all will never end, never stop until she drowns herself of the fear. She writes for hours, sometimes never comprehending a single word written, just allowing her fingers to do what they must. She writes down her thoughts as if they were something she lost, in a transition of anger and hate. She marks certain pages of what reminds her of the pain, and is too afraid to ever look back at them. As she relives, her pain each day, she reminds herself of the different forks in the road she could have taken. She reminds herself of all the paths that lay beneath her. She reminds herself of all the times, she thought she had found a joy or pleasant memory. Yet for everyone she found, she found destruction and pounced on an opportunity to let it pass and be banished or gone, not allowing any joy to continue. She runs like a child back to the corner of her mind and sits and waits for tomorrow. Her fears never controlled, her anger never allowed to unleash, her hate for herself never able to be beaten. One day will come, and sooner I’m afraid than none, that this little girl will walk deep into her favorite river bed, down past the path, the lost path she seeks daily and allow the sorrow to be drowned instead of living a life of horror that reminds. Some things are easier in life, others have to put up a great fight, and some just can’t see a direction. For this little girl, will banish herself to the underworld, rather than allowing anyone to see her fight from inside. So, back to the transition, back to being dossal, back to life as I know it. Back from my mind, rather, in time, I’ll make sure I close it down. For me, as you can see, I will put my feelings away from what I want to feel another day, not because I don’t care, but because I can’t bare, not having you, not loving you, not being accepted by nor carried for by you not feeling your warmth to melt my cold heart, and not ever every allowing her to leave my mind. So, I’ll remain here, static, still, closed down, left in a stand, placing a painted smile on my face, for all the embrace and feel like nothing has changed.

~ PkS 2005 ©

Understand

2004-11-07T18:47:00.000-06:00

~Understand~

You’ve never seen the courage I’ve known
Its colors richness, brightness won’t appear within your narrow view
I’ll never glow, the way that you wanted me to glow
Your present’s dominations the judgments made on me, by you

As these single thoughts grow, you and I see in different eyes
I understand, but I am still too proud to mention it, to you
The shades and shadows of my perception, are tainted now with hurtful words and actions
I realize what I am now to scared to mention to you, for I choice now to fly towards the sky

You say you understand, But you don’t understand
You say you’ll never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie
Sadly, we’ll never meet… eye to eye

You’ve never touched, felt or understood these things that I hold
This skin of deepened emotions lies well beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul, the burning urging feelings that I hold, deep within
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown, to you

You’ll say feeling me in your dreams was ever enough
I’ll say it’s easier than it seems, though torture is all I see in my dreams now
You’ll say you’ll never love me again, no matter how far I fly
You’ll never wake up knowing how or why, I’ve tortured myself with so many desires

You say you understand, yet you’ll never understand
I’ll say you’ll never wake up knowing how or why
You’ll say you’ll need peace of mind, knowing and hearing my torn drenched cries
But I’ll never be able to stop the tears from crying, for you

PkS © 2004

Unsurpassable Light

2004-11-06T03:57:00.000-06:00

Unsurpassable Light~

Unsurpassable light floods my pale shadowy face
A sense of surety, purity no less takes over my boundless disgrace
Childish thoughts run wildly, happily in my mind tucked away
Frantic visions of what may be tomorrow, the yesterday of today

Stuck in a world of misery and hate
Stuck in a mindless, obscure state
Drenched in agony, filtering each process as it lays still
Birched reality comes open handed with a simple touch or feel

Unsurpassable light floods my darkened hallow face
A sense of fear draws out my tears that causes havoc in this place
Bound by a rhythm of indescribable fear
I run frantic, staring at flooded lights for that one thing to appear

Stuck in a world of misery and hate
Stuck in a mindless, obscure state
Drenched in agony, holding my last breath
Birched reality comes open handed in the valley of death

Unsurpassable light floods my skull formed face
A sense of wonderment, wisdom forgotten with slowing pace
Clipped emotions with a refuge of energy splurged
Frantic feelings of a motion running down a spiraling curve

Stuck in a world of misery and hate
Stuck in a mindless, obscure state
Drenched in agony, pouring crimson regrets and betrayal
Birched reality comes opened handed in madding state of hell

PkS © 2004

Abandoned Hell Hole

2004-10-12T21:22:00.000-05:00

Abandoned Hell Hole

Damn me back now to where I come from
Take my mortal sins and wash them clean from my hands
Refrain me from torturing my own unpleasant soul
Send me back to my abandoned hell hole

Tell me again the tales of weathered scorched skies
Fire breathing dragons that fly high and mighty in the sheered sky
Relentless fortunes that grace the birched landscape
A flowing abundance of forgotten souls trying to escape

Drag me back to my birth land
Drive me into my redemption of acceptance of who I am
Keep me awake to stand my trial
Keep me alive to remind those who may follow

Damn me back to where I come from
Take my mortal sins and wash them clean from my hands
Refrain me from torturing my own unpleasant soul
Send me back to my abandoned hell hole

Remind me again of the dismemberment and disease
Pessimistic wizards casting bounded spells of endless grieve
Forceful abandonment of this mind not at ease
Wakened demons to guide me back to my den of endless sleep

Drag me back to my birth place
Drive me back to who I am
Keep me company as I stand and face my trial
Keep me alive to remind all others of what may follow

Damn me back to where I come from
Take my mortal sins and wash them clean from my hands
Refrain me from torturing my own unpleasant soul
Send me back to my abandoned hell hole

PkS ~ 2004 ©

Empire

2004-08-07T03:34:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Empire

Empire is website where the topics are as diverse as the people who place them.

We have several different forums such as Science, Odyssey, Politics, Stargate, How To's, Web Design, Computers, and Earth issues, along with a verity of others.

Membership is free.

Please join or visit us at:

Empire

You can check out more of my postings on Empire!

Hope to see you there!

Only Time

2004-08-07T03:27:00.000-05:00

~Only time~

Only time is what bounded us
Only time is what called to us
Only time mended our love for each other
Only time understood our needs to become a couple
Only time was our saving grace
Only time was our foolish embrace
Only time will lead us to our first kiss
Only time will let our depths endure
Only time will free our every whims
Only time will let us start the endless cycle again
Only time will give us a day without rain
Only time will carry on after we weather away
Only time will bring us both together
Only time is what makes us forever

Only my love for you, I can say these words are true, for you still hold the key to my scorched darken heart, but our love will never be torn apart.

PkS © 2004

Writers note: This is written while listening to Enya’s: A Day without Rain. This song is especially special to me, both for the lyrics and the meaning behind it I share with the man I love. Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of how easy it is for us (as in people) to get caught up in life and forget to just say thank you for the simplest things. So, in writing this out, I just want to say thank you for knowing that even when the darkness takes flight, I always know where my wings will find their light.

Past Today Future

2004-08-07T03:26:00.001-05:00

~Past Today Future~

Take me as I am, broken, barrowed, battered and bleeding. Take me from this desolated place, where I run from sorrow and fractured memories. Take me under your graceful arm; guide me back to where I need not run from. Shelter me from the sins I have condemned, protect me from the flatulent trace of a past that desecrated my existence. Weathering eyes look saddened with tears, from a playful mind of yesteryear. Take me as I am, broken, barrowed, battered and bleeding. Take me now, for I shall hold on, for the grace of your touch to render my heart.

PkS 2004 ©

What's Left

2004-08-07T03:26:00.000-05:00

~What’s left~

Sadness wakes inside my bones
Glancing towards my endless moans
I sit and pray that the end will be swift
I sit and beg for what little remains are left
To be wash away without a fight, no more
I past each moment with anger and pain
For this black virus who eats me to just end it’s game
I wait for answers
I hear no remorse
I just sit and wait for darkness to unfold within me
I take pride in what I had
I take more envy in what I could have become
I am barrowing what time is left
Months, weeks, days or even a small click of a watch
Time is of the essence but not for me to judge
Time is barrow, sinned and now just ending
For no more love to be touched by my simple hands
I’ve washed away what was left of me
Let the rest of me blow with the summer breeze
Flying high with the clouds, gleaming over the world below

PkS © 2004

Bounded to a Time and Place

2004-08-05T20:18:00.000-05:00

~Bounded to a time and place~

Bounded to a time and place, a never never endless face, a place in time that is surrounded by a wondering mind of a never ending confusion rhyme. To others they see a mouthy being, one who is sharp and sassy with no care or feelings. To those who know and know so well, there is a greater purpose to those spun words of fearless appears. To catch the attention of one so bold, to open their mind to another world, one that is outside of this box that keeps the rhythm of key strokes and word counts so one can continue to peek.
Bounded by a time and place, I sit here pondering who is next to face. To see the world as it once spun by, to watch the faces climb in and out of my eyes. To wonder how the world has moved on, in seconds and milliseconds to a beat that is gone. From my eyes I notice the leaves turned and fallen, a world that has stopped in motion yet is beating outward.
Traveling threw a wire to communicate, traveling to millions who don’t even know your existence or faith. Watching them slowing move past, wondering if they too can feel the motion stop. Fighting to push the time to continue, not broadening your boundaries but yet waiting for some sign that will show me when it is time.
Starry eyed and mind flickering at light speed, I wonder when I can finally release. Release my tension of not moving forward, release my momentum for it is stale and swollen. Release my mind from these thoughts of endlessness, release my position of close-mindedness. Sitting in this chair of release, moving forward in words that help me come to ease. Finding a way to express each of my moods.
Sitting here, watching out the window, I see the world at a stop, no movement, no gleam. It has stopped, no motion, no time, this is my endless blind eye. Bounded in this state of usuries and unknowns, watching the trees loose their leaves and drop slowly to the ground. Dead upon arrival, hitting the ground with easy, I sit and ponder if the leaves are me. Watching them blow with the wind, move slightly an inch but to them, no movement at all.
I watched them dance to their final grave, they looked so innocent, braking off with easy. Gracefully floating to the ground in the wind, they finally look like deaths beckoned end. Time seems to be the only thing that will heal these lost souls of the land, time will take them, bury and move forward with its master plan. The season will change, the tree with grow, branching out a new growth of life and the cycle is reborn.
So, once again I bound to a place and time, endless thoughts run threw my mind. Dancing dreams of when the clock will wine, patiently waiting for the motions to glide.

~ PkS © 2004

Decline

2004-08-02T16:23:00.000-05:00

~Decline~

Here is where I show my decent, my decline into a deep psychotic state of mind. Allowing each and every thought to cross where I have been and allowing my transcend state to cross into many several stages of the uncertainty, the unknown, the fruitful playful need that each mind will allow itself to go. Here is decline into a deep enriched place, hidden from within, taught with hidden traces of anger, shallow memories of places taken in, endangering episodes of rarity that transcend into complexity.

Depth of ones soul is scattered with great fear, of uncertainty how it will all end. Ending of what is still unknown but just the unsure, faces not familiar, sounds that have not been experienced, motions with no result, fractions of reality lost in a world structured in my head.

Complexity of building blocks, neurons franticly searching for an understanding of what is to be the future, building confusion, building anxiety, building a web of disinformation that is never to be used. Building the mind into a darken complex state where only I can began to unravel.

I sit and listen to simple sounds of today, wondering if those sounds will lead me to peace of mind or if they will continue to haunt me, desperately trying to place them into a memory file. An understanding within myself if they will bring me some satisfaction to my soul by the simple relation of memory or just a fragment of reality.

Feeling as the world is motionless, feeling as if I’m in a warped state of surpassed reality, much like the Langoliers that roam the earth after life has moved on and passed. Taking the end and wishing it away, I see myself here, lost in this place of torment and rebirth in one swift movement.

Paradox is how I see life; tribulation is fitting for the deceased. Finding where one standing in between is the question most of us urn for. Finishing ones path in life, knowing that is asked and what is certain, what can be expected is all but fitting but yet almost never completed.

Your path is your thoughts, your dreams, your anxiety, your joy, your anger, your hate, your like, your dislikes, your love, your control, your favorite smells, your favorite foods, your favorite everything, including most importantly your ego state of mind is what leads you to decide how each path you take, your comprehension towards that path and the temptation that guides you in and out of your life’s needs.

Tightly stitched thoughts running sporadically, enlightening me; franticly teasing my every whim. Controlling the non motionless state of my decline, loosing the touch of what might be surreal.

Here is where I show my decent, my decline into a deep psychotic state of mind. Flowing cells, rapidly flustering thoughts that decent into the darkness. There to be locked in a vault, trapped until I find use for them again. Find a use for them to accept or reject how I view the world in my psychotic state of mind.

PkS © 2004

Once

2004-06-15T23:27:00.000-05:00

Once

Once I was happy to say good bye,
Wash my hands to it all and never think twice
I would just shut my eyes and think of all the hateful pains
You caused my heart to feel inside, beaten, tore down, mentally ashamed

The grief, the sorrow, the shame, the pain
The anguish, the torment, a sinking pitiful game
The destructive words that came so easily
The masterful glee you took from inside of me

I would think about the words said in anger
I would think about the childish behavior
I would remind myself everyday of how much you broke my heart
I felt like I was left to suffer, never to allow myself to restart

I would say things about you to keep me upset
Trashing your name so easily without a care or whim
Cussing you even when I was asleep
Kicking myself in hate at the mention of your name

Once I was happy to feel that way
Never worried about letting my heart get swept away
Once was a long time ago for me
It took years for me to relinquish the pain

As time moved forward, and I still stood still
I could faintly hear those words disappear
As time still marched as a parade took flight
I can now say, Once was another life time

You said those words, you held so dear
You said your peace, as you left my world
But once I realized that time will not stay still
I learned to take flight and rejoin the world

For now I’m glad you have move out of my life
I’m finally at a place where I can sleep at night
I no longer take what you said out of spite
I know now that you did what was right

PkS © 2004

Freedom at a Price

2004-06-13T21:36:00.000-05:00

Freedom at a price

Freedom - The ability to choose for ones-self, in both voice and in action; the ability to make rational decisions to voice an opinion without repercussions, without being afraid of a government, church, local civics club or any member of the stated, taking any action against the expressed person who has made such statement(s) or comment(s). The quality or state of being free, the absence of necessity, coercion or constraint in choice or action, the ability to be frank, open, or outspoken and with the ability of conception or execution. The ability to speak what is on your mind, be it justice, be it cruel, be it impartial or foul, but just the ability to say speak what is on your mind.

So with that said, I have a clear statement I am expressing now. If you appose, then you have every right, but as I explained, it is my choice and ability to make this statement.

How easy it is to just take the life of another, innocent or guilty and reinforce our own society and their thoughts by screaming Freedom. Is it freedom? Is it justice to say Freedom, when life(s) has been taken, to better our own beliefs? Is it not an injustice to us all when we demonstrate the ability to kill another human being in the price of freedom? Is that justice to the families, to the friends or to their own beliefs?

Taking the breath of another and saying it was for our own protection, for our own good, for our own right to serve as our fore fathers did before us to protect our land, to kill a man who is doing the same for his own country, is that justice? Is it justice for us to judge another by their choices in their lives such as religion, speech, their ability to act or take function with others, their decision to stand on their beliefs and them have their own thoughts on who or how they would like to be treated?

Do we always follow our own history and do as are fore fathers did before, and if so, is that not going to lead us into more bloody baths that will be endless, with endless life’s taken, with endless results with endless stories of tragedy and endless thoughts reminding us of how we did come about freedom in the first place? Or have we already forgotten that as we stand here in America, we stand united, under HUNDREDS of gods, not just one, but HUNDREDS; have we forgotten who we truly are, how we came about getting to where we are now and now many blood baths we alone had to over come to be where we are today?

Are own history has proven to us that murder, death and killing others for the sake of Freedom has not placed us in any better state of mind that our enemy that we so readily judge on the same principles. We hold each person the same respect but when the ability to grant freedom, we ask they pay a price for it. The price might come in a certificate, a donation, a statement or even the choice to relinquish their own beliefs, their own thoughts and their own decision of what is placed value of Freedom. For if you give your life, give your family ability to give you that life, then so freely a person should take it away, for a decision made my men who have no understanding of what the civilized world means nor has the will to choice to accept and understand each and every one of our differences.

Who are we to decide how others should live or die? Who are we to say prayers for the death or dying who have so laid their lives in front of ours to protect us from evil that fortified our well being? Is it not this evil that we grew ourselves? Is this not our own demise and ALSO our own redemption that we should soundly take notice of and solely without questioning, but accepting and learning from our differences? I ask not to be protected, yet I ask for all to accept and protect their own beliefs, their own visions, their own practices yet with a better understanding who we truly are not in the face of man but who we truly are in the face of brotherhood.

In the United States of America, we are raised to believe that each and every one of us are of protected by our peers, our allies, our parents, our family, our guardians, our friends and most importantly, our government. As a child, you are taught what freedom is by examples of history, events and patterns dating back to the cavemen. You are taught that freedom may come at a price, but that price never has a value. To give ones freedom up is giving up their life. It is a chain of events that we, as in titled the World, have done to ourselves endlessly for a vary of reasons, primarily over religion or land.

When will we stop the cycle of this endless battle within our own selves and insure to each and every person on this planet that Freedom is not a decision someone in made up for it’s spirit of sounding good, but yet truly take the meaning to heart and make the difference. Not just a difference for one, but a difference collectively for all, for all to feel, for all to choose, for all to see and feel.

The endless life’s taken for the word of Freedom. The endless lies we hear about who is threatening our freedom. The endless cries that are unheard because we yet have not listened to our own past, learned from our fore fathers. We stand proud, but we are proud of nothing, and can not be proud with nothing until we learn what freedom is truly about.

PkS ~ 2004 ©

Gilded

2004-05-22T02:50:00.000-05:00

Gilded

Gilded once walked beside me. Wrapped in his ego, he lead me to believe in a world of solitude pleasantries. He bronzed my thoughts in fanatics of life, only to destroy them with a blink of light. He forecasted my world in ravens gone wild, he blessed my sins with heavenly clouds, marked his territory with ark shaped notions, draining out the gallons of emotions. For Gilded was a savor if you will, he will visit you in time, if you will, to take upon what he calms is his; give him what he wants and he will forever be pleased.

PkS © 2004

2004-05-22T02:34:00.000-05:00

I want to be kidnapped for a week.... Everybody has a Value, Everybody has a price, those that love you or employ you will PAY.... How much are you worth?

2004-05-22T02:26:00.000-05:00

If you want to Rant, cramp, framp, bitch, moan, whale, hate, mate or what ever you might be into, just know that your not the only one in life who's got problems! We don't want to hear about your problems anymore! Oh and go ahead and choke on your food too! Or just take the advice of the rat attached!

2004-05-22T02:14:00.000-05:00

If it wasn't for life's little corks, we would still be living in the swamp! Register now so you can get a jump start for the upcoming draft we all know is coming!

Silicone

2004-05-22T01:16:00.000-05:00

Silicone

So many times I tired to hide behind a painted smile
Portrait of me, sitting still in a framed world for all to see
Brushed images of my world, stroked onto a canvas
Flowing sensation of life painted behind a painted smile

Just a framed piece of art
Hung in a gallery for all to admire
People come and go
Thanking the administrator for the show

You never tired to see behind my painted smile
If you see the stokes, I’d let you into the secret in me
But you only see what you will from me
Letting me continually freeze my image of a painted smile

Smiling while lying to the world
Smiling to convince the world
Smiling to bring ease back into my world
Smiling while lying, hiding, frighten

Repeated the action of my silicone state
So many things the public will take
So many times I’ve tried to make you understand
The painted smile is not all that is of me

So many times I tired to hide behind a painted smile
Silicone state of a portrait
Brushed onto a canvas for the next exhibit
Frozen in a time for the world to admire

Just a framed piece of art
Hung in a gallery for all to admire
People come and go
Thanking the administrator for the show

PkS © 2004

The End is Near

2004-03-28T21:18:00.000-06:00

The end is near… Darkness flows closer to my thoughts and memories. Destruction and dissolutions follow me… the end is drawing closer to my every thought. Beware of lucid dreams of time gone by, they are nothing but lies trying to pull you closer in to a dream that will never arise.

PkS 2004

2004-03-27T05:12:00.000-06:00

Please be advised.... this site is now under the flight control of my mind. It's been high jacked for your entertainment. Sit back and enjoy the show.

Sincerely,

Management

2004-03-27T04:50:00.000-06:00

Sleep? Whats sleep? Anyone got the answer? Me??? Sleep??? never sleep... Insomnia holds me tight, that and the bed bugs that continually bite!

IF you see one of the men in the Trench coats, that put up signs for lost animals... please tell them I'm waiting for my ride. They are late for their appointment, but who knows, Roland must be keeping them tired up. Anways, I will sit and wait, wait and sit, for the trench coated men to show up at my door.

Sleep well my young preys....

Femme Violence

2004-03-27T04:37:00.000-06:00

Femme Violence

Find me once lying on the bathroom floor
Find me twice kicked like the trash out the door
Find me a third time wondering down the street
Find me dead as I lay upon your feet

Thinking of me when you had me in your hands
Thinking of me as you beat me to shallow breath none the less
Thinking of me as you tortured my mind
Thinking of me as you slit my throat with a sharpened edge knife

Slap me senseless with marks to show the world
Slap me endlessness to show your power and growth
Slap me violently to the ground soaking in blood
Slap me repeatedly for no certain care, reason or whim

Beat me to deaths beckoned end
Beat me till my blood run thin
Beat me repeatedly till my last breath is gone
Beat me restlessly, continue with your fun

PkS © 2003

Note – These comments are the particular views of the writer, either from personal experience of her own or a way to release aggression, using a format of writing. The comments suggested above are not in anyway stating that violence is acceptable, in any standards. It is the view of the writer that the violence stated above should be read as fiction and should not be portrayed as an actual event(s). The writer holds no responsibilities, nor knowledge of events, if the above statement should coincide with personal experience(s) of the reader.

Bored

2004-03-27T04:08:00.000-06:00

~ Bored~

Bitch and moan all you want...... I'm so bored with what you got…

Bored with the rhythm of the afternoon
Bored with the oceans that are blue
Bored with the careless acts
Bored with the threats and attacks
Bored with the answers
More so bored with the questions that repeat the answers
Bored with the notation of things are fair
Bored with the thought that I just don’t care
Bored with the actions of careless ways
Bored with the freedom that people portray
Bored with the problems of the world
Bored with the standards we so adore
Bored with the careful ways we have to act
Bored with the faces that have turned black
Bored with the cries you only hear in the dark
Bored with the “coming of our savor” religion talk
Bored with how it once was
Bored with how it’s turning out
Bored again with the same old song and dance
Bored with roads that take you no where
Bored with the small mindedness that lurks everywhere
Bored with the intelligence that people show
Bored because they are so friggen slow
Bored with how proper you have to be
Bored with the stamp of being approval meat
Bored how we treat each other
Bored with the pathetic games we do onto others
Bored with how careless we have become
Bored even with the rhythm of the sun

Bitch and moan all you want…. I’m so fucking bored with what you’ve shown…

PkS © 2004

2004-03-26T01:46:00.000-06:00

Purging Time........Have knife? Will travel!

Flinch

2004-03-26T01:25:00.000-06:00

~Flinch~

What, it’s been over a decade since we meet.... It still feels like it was yesterday..... we only knew what was going on between each other.... we only bruised each other but the pain still is floating around in each of us.... you made me run and hide.... you made me retreat to a hidden place in my head.... you bite, you slapped, you fought with your fists, you kicked, you always made sure that the marks were not seen except by you.... proud of your art work, you took so much pride in it..... Bragging to your buddies on what a great man you were.... how long can a girl be tortured by you..... How long can a girl be haunted by you..... How long does it take before all the pain goes away.....you thought by just dropping in every once in a while that all would be forgiven..... You thought that going away as I asked would only make me want you again.... but you were sadly mistaken..... you didn't see it coming...... you didn't see that I learned to shut myself off to you.....even when you still held me down, you could not get close enough to make a difference.....you thought that if you stopped my heart may return, but you were sadly mistaken once again.... you threaten and stalked, you even decided to make good on a promise..... but after all that you did, broke as I am, you still can not get what you want out of me.....the acceptance that you desire, the love that you require, the trust and emotions that you think you need..... you took what should have been memories and turned them all into hate, devastation, boredom, and confusion......I always wanted for you want you wanted for yourself.... but we both knew from the start that neither one of us should be in the place we ended up..... Now the final chapter is closed, but yet the pain still lingers around..... Afraid of stepping out, without looking behind me, not trusting anyone because of what actions my lay ahead..... yes, thank you for breaking me down, for all your wonderful work you have done.... you have left me broken, but you still lost the battle, you still lost the war, you never gained what you always wanted, you never could get into my heart.... and yes thank you for your marks you left, I added a few of my own, but they are there just for me to remember what path not to follow again.....And even though we I sat for months and vacillated, I just took it all in, let you continue and still you are the one you has lost everything.....

~PkS

2002 ©

I wrote this to cleanse myself of the torture I had allowed into my life. The sorrow, the demise, the hate and most of all the insanity of allowing myself to get to a point of becoming hollow inside. The one thing I have learned since I have written the above paragraph is that you have several different paths you can take in life. You can choice your own path, you make your own decisions, but when you continually have your past as your path, you can not direct yourself in the right direction. Time has proven to me that memories may fade but they do not die, the pain will follow you, no matter what you do to forget it. Horror is the factor, pain is the product and destruction of ones self is the ultimate pleasure to gain. You are nothing more than chest piece that is moved from moment to moment until you realize that you are not the one in control. Life allows you to choice, yes, but it also allows you to destroy much more in half the time.

Torture, where I live now, is allowing yourself to continue in ways you can not control. Continuing is destruction if the cycle can not be broken. Destruction is my disease, the ultimate demise of ones soul.

PkS © 2004

Constellation

2004-03-26T00:56:00.000-06:00

Constellation

The earth, the wind, the moon and the stars
For each and everyone…who ever you are
This is my wind that I speak so softly
This is my breath that I give to you gently

For each drop of sand I lay before you
I reach more towards the moon in its glory
Following my heart to the depths of your sea
I sprinkle my warmth on countless evenings

I share my thoughts with you even as we speak
I open my arms for you to reach me
I wait for a signal of your love to bounce back
I follow your movement in the waiting shadows of its past

Each star is a representation of my love I cast
Shining down onto you in a weather beating forecast
Each droplet of water that runs down my face
Is caught in your sweet loving embrace

The moon and the stars have aligned in our favor
The earth and wind speak so freely of our nature
You have grasped my tears that flow like the river
You have taken me out of the shallow water

The earth, the wind, the moon and the stars
The have aligned to show us both who we are
They formed together to draw their strengths
They send us both a sign of our love and inter faiths

PkS © 2004

Clipped Wings

2004-03-18T21:54:00.000-06:00

Clipped Wings

Clip my wings so I can not fly
Clip my spirit so I can not try
Clip my sanity so I can not find
Clip my world so I can not die

Take me away from this god forsaken place
Take me away from theses evils that built up into pain
Take me away so I find who I truly am
Take me away so I find earths beauty in a shielded hand

Bound me from the evils I do upon myself
Bound me from the thoughts that take overwhelm me so well
Bound me from the screams that follow me into sleep
Bound me from the depths of my own mental well being

Let me fly with the wind with no care in the world
Let me fly with the air that is breezes in the clouds
Let me fly with the angles that watch over many of us
Let me fly with the breath that has bound both of us

Let me find my way back from where I am today
Let me find my own way to fight the evils that have risen from my pain
Let me find my own road, my own path as in life
Let me find the demons that haunt me every night

Clip my wings so I can learn to fly again
Clip my wings so I can teach my spirit to at least try again
Clip my wings so I can find the sanity I lost so long ago
Clip my wings so I can let my world begin again with a tolerance and no ego…

PkS © 2004

30 Seconds

2004-03-18T21:48:00.000-06:00

For anyone who might have missed what really happened... The truth has finally been expressed in 30 seconds!

HAHA

2004-02-14T22:24:00.000-06:00

When ever you see danger lurking around… Don’t run, just stop and ask it for directions.

When you feel like your going insane….Take a deep breath, close your eyes and think of Michael Jackson kissing you. (Now you will just be sick to your stomach, not going insane)

When a telemarketer calls you… Tell them that you are interested in listening to them, but you are presently busy taking a shit.

When you want to get someone back… Just call their local pizza place and order 25 large pizzas for delivery. (Make sure you *67 so they don’t have your phone number)

When ever you feel like you are going to puck… Look up, close your eyes and grab your tit and pinch. (Let me know how good it felt later)

In Memory of the Lost

2004-02-14T22:13:00.000-06:00

In Memory of the Lost~

Lingered whispers from ancient lost city
Ruins still stand where the souls once lived
Footsteps long lost now substituted by a new creation
Standing over the memories of this forgotten time and place

Hearing the echoed chants of words mumbled in confusion
Feeling the breeze of their last wishes gracing past my face
A cool chill of remembering how once it was
Standing in this ancient, lost but not forgotten place

Looking down at this ancient path I stood upon
I find myself wondering how many others once stood on this hard but shallow ground
Finding myself deep in tranquility, purified of how I once had been here before
Finding a longing, an ease in breathing in the stale air

Looking all around, I find myself remembering how this ancient city use to blossom
People bustling, frantic, in a rush to place themselves in a tomb to be forgotten
Praying to the Gods of the day, taking in food that would later dissipate
Building with primitive tools, not knowing their future would soon be lost to the world

I stand, I watch and I listen to the whispers and echo’s that are so faint
I look around this desolated place
Once a vibrant, breathing city of such glory and fame
Now nothing but these desecrated ruins of a god forsaken place

For today is yesterday as tomorrow will also be forgotten
As we lay a path down before us, so we also will not be forgotten
But when we look back, we see only the ruins of our own defeat
Standing full circle, listening to the lingered whispers of our own ancient lost city

PkS ~ 2004 ©

Painted Black

2004-01-18T22:09:00.000-06:00

Painted Black

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black

I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they are painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back

I see the people turn their head and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it happens every day

I look inside myself, and see my heart is black
I see my red door and its heading into black

Maybe I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea, go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you

I want to see it painted, painted black
Black as night
Black as coal
I want to see the sky blocked out
I want to see it painted, painted black

© 1979

Bounded to a Time and Place

2004-01-18T21:19:00.000-06:00

Bounded to a time and place~

Bounded to a time and place, a never never endless face, a place in time that is surrounded by a wondering mind of a never ending confusion rhyme. To others they see a mouthy being, one who is sharp and sassy with no care or feelings. To those who know and know so well, there is a greater purpose to those spun words of fearless appears. To catch the attention of one so bold, to open their mind to another world, one that is outside of this box that keeps the rhythm of key strokes and word counts so one can continue to peek.
Bounded by a time and place, I sit here pondering who is next to face. To see the world as it once spun by, to watch the faces climb in and out of my eyes. To wonder how the world has moved on, in seconds and milliseconds to a beat that is gone. From my eyes I notice the leaves turned and fallen, a world that has stopped in motion yet is beating outward.
Traveling threw a wire to communicate, traveling to millions who don’t even know your existence or faith. Watching them slowing move past, wondering if they too can feel the motion stop. Fighting to push the time to continue, not broadening your boundaries but yet waiting for some sign that will show me when it is time.
Starry eyed and mind flickering at light speed, I wonder when I can finally release. Release my tension of not moving forward, release my momentum for it is stale and swollen. Release my mind from these thoughts of endlessness, release my position of close-mindedness. Sitting in this chair of release, moving forward in words that help me come to ease. Finding a way to express each of my moods.
Sitting here, watching out the window, I see the world at a stop, no movement, no gleam. It has stopped, no motion, no time, this is my endless blind eye. Bounded in this state of usuries and unknowns, watching the trees loose their leaves and drop slowly to the ground. Dead upon arrival, hitting the ground with easy, I sit and ponder if the leaves are me. Watching them blow with the wind, move slightly an inch but to them, no movement at all.
I watched them dance to their final grave, they looked so innocent, braking off with easy. Gracefully floating to the ground in the wind, they finally look like deaths beckoned end. Time seems to be the only thing that will heal these lost souls of the land, time will take them, bury and move forward with its master plan. The season will change, the tree with grow, branching out a new growth of life and the cycle is reborn.
So, once again I bound to a place and time, endless thoughts run threw my mind. Dancing dreams of when the clock will wine, patiently waiting for the motions to glide.

~ PkS © 2004

Today

2003-12-16T18:54:00.000-06:00

Today, I sit and worry, waiting for a sign, if any, to show itself to me. Today, I sit and worry, if this is my last day I’ll have. Today I sit and worry, thinking over everything that has come full circle. I wonder a lot of what life has given me, I think a lot of what I have not given back.

I took a long walk today, by myself, just letting the wind blow on my face. No thought of where I was going, yet every few seconds I would look up and see the lit moon in broad daylight and think of how small a life, any life, really is. Today I fight all my fears that have been building up inside of me, fearing what the future holds, what life is about to unfold and to wonder if, such a small person as myself, can ever light up again in daylight. Today was to be my day, just to think, take in, learn, express and go though all the emotions I needed to, to get myself prepared for what tomorrow brings.

I have to say, that even though I’m not so easily scared with some things in life, I can’t say I’ve never been so scared before till now. It’s come full circle with me, all the emotions, all the blame, all the yelling and crying of not understanding why I’ve had to go through all of this. Facing tomorrow and facing my decisions are harder than I ever thought they would be. Guilt has played a huge part in it also, not reaching out, pushing away and not wanting the comfort of what I may have needed. But those are the choices I decided. That is how I wanted to deal with it all. Even removing my grandparents out of my daily life, out of love and compassion of not watching me decline.

Today, I kept looking at the moon, knowing that anyone could see it at anytime such as I. It put a little smile on my face, just knowing that even though I could not touch it, not pull it towards me, not take it home and wrap it up and keep it, knowing that it will continue to shine, day or night, no matter what the weathers like, it will always be there and it hold a piece of me now. I saw something today in that daylight lit moon, something that gave a warmth in my heart. It was something so small and so inexpressible, that it still just holds me, but I mostly believe that it’s just because it was that one little something I saw in it and knowing that anyone can look up and see it also.

I’m frantic emotionally, stressed physical, trying to place myself in a mental state of just going through the motions to protect myself. Is it working, no, of course not, if it was, I wouldn’t be sitting here having to get all of this out of my head.

Today, above all else, I’ve come to terms with everything and nothing all in the same breath. I over worry, I over react, I take things in the wrong tone and I reject to easily. I can turn myself off, shut down to easily for most, then search for something that doesn’t exist, some sort of guidelines within myself but never yet have found it. I can be the hardest person to deal with but can also melt at the tip of a hat. I can hold my ground for answers, yet give nothing in return. I have looked long and hard at myself and have realize that it’s not easy being me. Over this battle of acceptance, battle of surety, battle of past understanding and now a battle of a fucking disease. Tomorrow, I’m scared. Terrified, of what the outcome is to be. I hold my hands tight and start to wonder if all my years of searching for some higher power, some understanding of my place in the universe, some quest of knowledge of if there may be a person to pray to, isn’t teaching me a lesson. I was asked once from the man I love, if I wasn’t in search or maybe hopping of a God. I quickly said no, but I think he may have been right. I guess, when it comes down to it, I am searching now, for someone to give me an answer, a place I can pray, a person to hold onto and a faith to understand. But yet, my ego and mind both, sit here now and taunt me now, reminding me of my deeper reasoning, that I’m just looking for a place to point the blame.

It all comes down to this. I sit and I wait. Looking back right now, I wish I had done so many things different. So many things I wish I had just done instead of over think them. I wish I could have let go of all my fears, my memories that I blamed so many others for, then took my blame out on others I loved. I wish I had not been so fearful, so unable to accept, so ready to point a finger, so ready to hide and not allow myself to open up. I wish I had taken out the anger, the hate and the punishment, the blame and constant fighting over really nothing. I wish I could have just come to terms with things easier, been more open with my own fears, not hidden them from the ones I loved, who now can easily just blame. I guess my pride has fallen down, feeling vulnerable and alone.

It’s very quiet here. Nothing moving except me and the keys on the board. I can hear the wind outside, blowing and swaying the trees. My biggest fear is that I never get to say the things I think I needed to say. I guess its like a book that someone has written but never really explained a certain persons feelings. And I think that fear in me is that I will never be able to say what I’ve needed to say.

Over the past year, I have fought my toughest battle. One I never thought I would ever go through. I never would have thought in my life I would be faced with something like this. When I found out I had Cancer, I truly thought it was just one of those things. Something that would just go away with the right treatment and medication. As time passed on, and the news kept coming back negative, I started to retreat inwards, slowing moving away from everyone and everything. Treatments came and the went, medication was lowered and raised, a few good words once in awhile, but more negative than anything. Now, it has started to spread, and tomorrow I go in for another surgery. This one cuts deeper, more removal and searches for what else there may be hidden inside of me. When I was told of the results, I really was general with everyone. But when my doctors told me what the truth was, I just couldn’t understand. I blew it off, or I should say I made everyone think I did, when all it did was kill me inside, kill off any feelings I had. I call this my shut down, my lock down, my personal protection. I just kept saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, just one more surgery, nothing big, no worries, nothing to be frighten about, just a little surgery” but all I could do was close myself off and now I chose to face this all alone. This will be the whopper one, as my mom like to say. It’s easier for me, not to see the people I love, feel like they can’t do anything to help. It’s easier on me to have them mad and upset, pissed and anger than let their hearts hurt as mine does. It’s been easier on me to just write in my journal each day of my feels, shame and pain than to express them to anyone. But now, I feel that I may not ever get to say my feels again so I’m expressing them here, so if you or anyone you know has to go though all of this, you know the right thing and the wrong things to do.

I feel the guilt and shame now for running away. I know I’ve let the people I love down and have left them wondering why I’m completely shut off and non sensitive to what they say. Mostly I feel sad that I was never able to open myself up and just express how I truly felt. Why I choice to do what I did instead of just choosing to not care and walk way. I mostly think if I had opened up, would I feel the way I do or would it be the same feelings inside of me. Today, of all days, I have seen myself for who I truly am, for who I’ve become and who I could have been if I had just said I had something to say. But today is almost over, and all I my pride will allow is me to justify this in these short words.

I also can remember a conversation I had recently with a good friend of mine who asked me if I thought I had remorse of my actions or decision of my expressions. They also asked if had to courage to say how I felt to a certain person. I simply said “My courage was displaced over the past year, hidden deep were my feelings of not being able to forgive, pointing a finger of blame easier than myself taking the blame, like being locked in a shell that I could not break. My remorse is that I never broke that shell and opened up to how I truly felt.” I later said “If I was given the chance to change things, I would have and would have learned that love does conquer all.”

So night has fallen now and I’m going to go outside and just sit and watch the moon. Hopping that it will give me something that I can hold onto again. I am terrified, almost destroyed inside of what I am feeling. Mostly afraid that I’m going to just be a broke shell, that one person who is not able to let herself live again. I’m frighten and distraught, worried of what tomorrow brings, wondering if I’m going to be able to go outside and look at the moon again.

I’m a shattered person, more so than I’ve ever been. I’m sorry that I ran, I’m sorry that I just could not find the right words to express. My tears at this point are guiding my words, and I know it’s too late for the “I love’s yous and hugs and xoxo’s.”

Purgatory

2003-10-25T04:27:00.000-05:00

Purgatory

I’m damned …. Damned to no end …. Damned to hell ….Damned to Purgatory
Damned to Earth …. Damned to no end….

Does this rock we call home, is it so bad? Is there a meaning deep in the core rocks that tells us our fate? Why do we search for our entire lives for a place that may or may not exist. But we as people are so easy to place blame. For if you don’t believe then off to hell and be shamed.

If we are so quick to sentence a person…“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS” …then why does the question remain of purgatory in my head? Would you damn your mother to a waiting room decorated by hell? Would you damn your father to a place of the dead? Would you sentence your grandparents to a place where all time can do is wait?

Are you truly damned if thinking outside of the box? Are you so caught up in your own life that you are going to be saved just because you’ve read a book? Do you think calling or singing out your holy names, that Christ Your Savior is continuing taking all your pain away? Do you think that life has only one meaning? Do you think that praying to a leather bound book is the only answer?

I’m damned either way I look at it. To hell, to purgatory or to just lay dead. Would it not make sense to think man created god? Would it not make sense to wonder if there was a god who created him?

To hell you first say for my comments that lay on this simple page of paper. You condemned me now for speaking out loud and documenting my behavior. Damned to hell, off I go, and no forgiveness is allowed. I sit on the stones of the murders and thief’s and take no water or rest for my weary bones.

What if I was shackled to purgatory? Rushed off in a hurry so faith doesn’t know I’ve questioned anything. To sit and wait, for a reply of my fate, to ponder and pray for forgiveness. Time has no meaning, just wait and wait, for redemption or damned to hell. While decisions are made, I still have to sit and wait and make out a list of examples of what a terrible person I’ve been for damning thy name.

Damned to Earth for the rest of its life. Roaming around to find the answers I question inside. Search the word in a sphere, round and round I may go, not knowing if any one question I ask may turn into a laughing show. Walk the ends of the earth to find that one true answer that we all are in search of. Damned to a question with no answer to be found. Buried or burned, mummified or scattered, the truth does no lye on this soil that we call earth.

For these three things I question all the time, for hell is nothing more than a purgatory in which lies on earth soil. Wrapped in a tainted view of one’s on perception. Faith is nothing more than a concept to protect our own salvation. We damned ourselves to this eternal flame of questioning who are creator is or was or could be one day. Take life for what it is, nothing more than a purgatory shackled in mixture of earth and hell.

PkS ~ 2003

Let Me

2003-10-25T03:52:00.000-05:00

Let me…

Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me whispering softly spoken words
That reminds you of my affection

Let me grace the back of you neck
With a whisp of two finger tips
And show you a gentler side of my emotions

Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace

Let me take you by your hand
Lead you gently towards my direction
Let me caress your body slowly
Each ticklish curve and every bend

Let me grace your entire back
With a whisp of my finger tips
Let me show you my erotic side of affections

Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace

Let me tease and torture you in fetish delights
Let me shower you in a soft moon light
Let me infringe on your privacy
Let me spoil your last whim

Let’s run away from it all
Forgetting where we are
Let’s run from this place
Just run and embrace

PkS ~ 2003 ©

Oh Father

2003-10-25T00:16:00.000-05:00

Oh Father

So many questions, never enough time
So many unanswered thoughts run threw my mind
Fainted traces of a pleasant childhood
Tortured memories of a non so pleasant parenthood

Were you intentions so much greater than mine
Were your beliefs so gracious and tantalize
Did you ever wonder about your actions that would remain
Did you ever just call out my name

When did you realize that fatherhood was not a blessing in disguise
When did choose to destroy you families entire lives
Who did you think you were in taunting the people you love
Who gave you the right to demolish your only chance at pure love

You birthed and fostered a hatred deep inside
You took away the passion of a little girls cries
You destroyed and ravaged the sanity of one little girl
You broke the bonds of parenthood by flipping off the world

Even though you are gone from here, you still taught me in my dreams
Memories of a burned out man who was nothing but a shame
Even though you have left this world, you left your mark on this little girl
I hold the anger and shame of you within my deepest thoughts that rage and swirl

When I get the chance, I will visit your grave
When I get the courage to be brave
When I get this chance, I will show you what I’ve become
A woman who has grown past your evil and has sir come

Beauty out of evil has branched out of me
Resurrected passions, letting the past overcome me
A chance to finally be free is my only saving grace
Of letting you stay buried, rotting and feasting off your own taste

PkS ~ 2003 ©

Each Day

2003-10-20T22:18:00.000-05:00

Each day I sit and wait and watch… I see the hands on the clock… They move east as I move west, I catch myself wondering when they’ll miss…Fruitful thinking of a mind gone mad…. One white jacket ordered…..For me at Last!

PkS 2003 ©

Forbidden God

2003-10-20T22:06:00.001-05:00

Forbidden God

Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness

You ask me to surrender my faith and walk with you in the shadows
You ask me to surrender my believes and tend for only your breathless notions

Follow my lead and take my last breath for it is sacred with purity
Swallow my last breath and taste my last wish upon this countless cycle of epiphany

Deemed me to walk with my brothers and sisters who shall take no name
Who talk no name and pray to no name for this is our savor, our damnation, our choice

Take my dreams away as punishment
Take my soul away for it will resurrect
Take my body bleeding for I fight for who I shall name as my God
Take me to temptation and tease me for I choice my God

Continue to walk endlessly threw the patch of darkness
For I shall stand here alone and let you die with no vain of my soul

You are nothing more than a coward who feeds off of ones frenzies
You search the earth for weakness, for this is your true calling
You haunt the will and taunt the name of anyone who walks along your path
You tease for acceptance, knowing one will sub come eventually

For I stand before you and calm now that you are not my God
For I am strong and can see your weakness
For I stand before you and show you how powerless you are
For if you were my God, would you have to thieve and steal purity from within
For if you were my God, would you stand before me and call for my forgiveness

For if you were a God, you would stand before me praying on behave of themselves
For if you were a God, you would stand before us all with sorrow and disbarment
You would not hind behind the lining of a book nor allow a feed of frenzied
You would not hind in words of dislike and torture, death to be taken so easily

Creature of the night lay holdth of my mind
Wondering endlessly threw the patch of darkness
I wake to find you have shown yourself face to face to me
I find you have stolen nothing but an identity
I seize you back to where you come
I damned you back to your feral land

PkS © 2003

Subsequently Life

2003-10-20T22:06:00.000-05:00

Subsequently Life

Always later it seemed to be
Time just walked away from me
Staring at the bedroom wall
I see my reflection begin to fall

Here is where I needed to be
There is where I lead my belief
Where is now the time has escaped me
Time is just a release of being free

Wide eyed and open to the world
This subsequently life is of a bore
Legacies pasted down from generations to generations
Forgotten secrets of ones own past and damnation

Walk with me for a while as I tell me tale
Of a life of persecution I know so well
Tempt me to tell my story of a child lost at sea
Tortured my inter being and let her go free

Always later it seemed to be
Time just walked away from me
Staring threw my eyes with shame
This subsequently life goes up in flames

PkS~ 2003 ©

Treasured Illusion

2003-10-19T01:21:00.000-05:00

Treasured Illusion

Shattered memories of a forgotten pain
Lost in limbo trapped in an eternal flame
Darken dreams of endless flights
Perched legacies that seem so bright

Drifting off slowly into a deeper sleep
Trying to navigate where I want to be
Chasing the shadows that frighten me so
Finding my redemption to gain control

Running with the towering falls
Faithless fairies juggling whimsical balls
White clouds of angel dusted sands
Swept off to my never never land

Singing with the elegance of light
Hearing the humming birds wings take flight
Daisy grown pastures of motionless breeze
Smelling the apricots before the winters freeze

Watching the stars shooting across the orange lit sky
Catching weeping tears that fall softly to the ground as I lye
Seeing a glimpse of ancient cities that lay beneath
Running my hands across their ruins shacking in disbelief

Here is where I relinquish myself
Lost in a treasured illusion beyond all else
Dreaming of this peaceful majestic place
Countless times for me to run away

PkS ~ 2003

Shake me with Guilty Hands

2003-10-19T01:09:00.000-05:00

Shake me with guilty hands
Chill from yester year with ponder look
Fast the sleepless night aproaches
Yet you are still with demons in thought.

Follow the sled to forgotten times,
This maybe your only demise.

~ PKS